daddy issues ...

I know exactly what you mean, so much so that when my Dad said he would take our wedding pictures (he's a photographer) I still hired one!

I have no suggestion but if you are going to worry all the way through then I wouldn't rely on him and put the money away yourselves.

A couple of thoughts:

1. Relying on parental contributions, especially from such a flaky parent, is a bad idea. You will cause yourself no end of stress. Start saving or cut your out-of-budget fantasies.

2. You seem to think it right that your joint families would be hostile to him if he doesn't contribute. Is this only in the case of him promising then bailing? Or if he doesn't really commit in the first place? If the latter, I find this baffling.

I don't understand why it's expected that parents will pay for anything.

If I had that kind of relationship with my Dad I wouldn't want any money from him, even if it was offered.

We budgeted to what we could afford, with no financial help from either side. My parents (also divorced) have paid for a few little things which has been very much appreciated but not expected.

I wouldn't have ever asked him for anything, and if he offered I wouldn't book anything unless he'd sent all the money already. But then I'm not one to expect anyone to contribute to my wedding (my mum's giving us a little bit, but only as a xmas present on the condition we don't get other presents from her). If he's treated you like that in the past I don't think he deserves to feel like the big man saving the day, he's lucky to be invited!

I agree you need to act like you don't have the money because you don't, although I don't really understand why OH's parents aren't offering if they're pushing you to book it and saying they'll cover if it goes wrong.

I wouldn't ask or expect anything from him? You have painted a bleak picture of this man and his role as a father yet you are asking him to put his hand in his pocket to fund your wedding? I would just budget for what you can afford yourself.

I dont think its right for the hostility is any case, afterall he's still my dad. were just very estranged. the only reason i asked him was because of pressure from both my mother and OH parents. yeah, he's flakey. he hasn't bailed yet on want he promised but heres my troubling worry. he's in a america and self employed with two kids on the way, so no health care. thats expensive. Im an old life remnant, he's got a new one now. I starting to think that it might be unfair to ask anything of him anyway. and god will my mother hate that conclusion. i already know what she'll say because she says it every time a take one of lifes milestones.

Did you ask your Mum or did she offer? If she offered then just remind her of that. To the suggest your dad gets asked to match that generosity is wrong and he shouldn't be judged for that by any of the other family members.

Elixia, you are already in a very hard position (I know because I am in a very similar situation with my dad living in Budapest etc etc.), however, I do not think your mother is being overly fair. You didn't ask to be put in this situation where your parents divorced and he never showed much responsibility. Therefore, it is not up to you to have to ask him for money now. It certainly sounds like you are being pressured. Perhaps a word with your mother explaining how you understand her point of view (in that your dad ought to step up and help out), but equally, she needs to realise that isn't realistic, and you're finding it hard enough as it is, without this added pressure.

I feel for you in a big way.

thats kinda my thoughts too >.>

i put off asking for as long as possible, but i cracked under the pressure of the other contributing families. Both of these are looking at it with a rather traditional view of parents help funding the wedding. its kinda like 'well i'm helping out, why isnt he?'

you know what? i wouldn't care if he didn't pay a thing, i'd invite him anyway because he's my father. he wouldn't give me away, i feel thats hypocritical. he a different person to who he was when i was born (or 5) in his old age he become a family man but i feel he more like a distant uncle of family friend than my dad. I feel so out of sorts asking him for money, i hate doing that, i hated asking my mum when i was teenager. everyone else has offered to help fund and i'm thankful, very very thankful.

I'm happy for his new life, and i'm a happy to get on with mine ...

she offered, i tried to get her to scale down her offer but she ain't budging! too proud and too stubborn. OH's parents also offered, infact its a nest egg fund they set a side decades ago.

I'd mention that to them next time they go on at you lovely. Just say I didn't ask you and I won't be asking him. If he offers then great!

This is exactly what I would say.

oh no, thats an assumption from my OH to try and calm my worries.

I may well be shot for my response, but here goes. I would budget and plan based on your own money, not what he says he will offer. Given the image you painted and that you barely speak, let alone see each other, I don't know how you dared ask him for hundreds, or more, pounds to your wedding. I don't think I could have done that, to me it seems rude. It would be like me asking an aunt I barely see or speak to to help me pay for it.

If he has made it clear he won't/can't be the kind of dad you want, why on earth would you use him for money? Surely it would be better for him to use that money to fund visiting to actually attend your day?

Find the money yourselves and then if he pays nothing, it won't matter

I agree with the advice already given. And I think you had it right with the last line of your first post.

We set our budget and since his Mum has said she would like to buy our cake- brilliant but we didn't expect it and we are still going to keep the budget the same- doubtful that she will change her mind so the money we had budgeted will either go on something else or stay in the bank ?

Strongly worded POV but yes, i agree with you. i wish i never asked. i wish i told my mother and my OH's parent that no i don't want his involvement. but i guess i need to share some more info.

my dad, though we hardly speak, brags about his 'very talented daughter*' I've been asked to design his new company logo among other thing for his business and have done so without asking for money because he's family, he's my dad and self employment is hard and i wanted to help. and i know when it comes to the wedding, he'll be there smirking and bragging about how proud he is of me ... and that will wind up my mother (and OH's parent)

sorry, i started ranting there ^^; but the matter is my dad THINKS he is a great dad despite the contrary, like he wears rosetinted specs. this is now becoming a minefield.

It felt dirty asking him for money, i regret it and i think i'll tell him that he doesn't have to contribute, for my sanity and his future.

*his words not mine as seen in a forwarded email to his printer in the states.

I really feel for you - what a horrible position to be put in.

I would budget as if you weren't getting the money from him though. If he does pay something - great, you can upgrade something.

I hope you resolve it though!

Firstly, my POV: I don't think it's ever right to ask for money for something that's not absolutely necessary (i.e. food, rent, bills when something unexpected happens, like unexpected loss of a job or some such).. and weddings don't fall under that. If any family members wish to contribute to the wedding, that's fine, but then it's offered, not asked for, and treated like a gift. My mum and Ant's parents have both offered to give us a gift of a lump sum to put towards the wedding, and my mum often asks me if I've asked my dad for money, and I have to keep telling her no, I would never ask for money, but I'm extremely grateful that she wants to help.

Now, by the sounds of things you feel somewhat the same way, as you say you wish you'd never asked. Perhaps apologise to him for asking for the money and say that you understand that his situation might be changing with the twins coming, but that if he wants and is able to help, he can. It will get rid of the 'dirty' feeling you have from asking. Then just budget as if he's not giving anything, and explain to your mother and OH's parents that you feel uncomfortable asking for money and will not do it.

My dad is very similar to yours, thinks he's an amazing father when he's really just a bit of an ass. I totally get the inappropriate present thing - for my 12th birthday he got me a bag of potpourri.. that I was allergic to!!

Venart: Yeah i'm the same way. TBH the reason why I've been engaged for 5 years is because I've not had the money to fund it myself, plus priorities of house first, then wedding. one of the reason i dislike wedding gift lists or registry's, i find them rude. plus i either wanted a limited edition collectible of star wars figurines or a hd freesat box or a smart tv. all of those are luxuries and waaaay to expensive to even consider asking for especially for a wedding and especially since i have a house and kitted out with everything i need to survive! seems a greedy.

I've spoken to my mum about this now and she, like me, saw this coming and regrets egging me on to ask. I'll cover the expense, i'll fight her to stop HER covering the expense, she's giving too much already in my opinion. the budget is rather trim as it is. every trick in the book and i'm planning or have already used it (M&S Cake, no cars, free flowers etc etc) I'll turn to my side freelancing and all my birthday/christmas gift money. I'm smart, i'll manage.

I have to agree with alot of the other POVs on here. You shouldn't have asked in the first place (even if others we're pressuring you) It's nothing to do with anyone else how much money other people are contributing. You've said yourself he's not giving you away anyway so why have him contribute at all. It's also a long time until your wedding. (Perhaps your dad wouldn't have expected to have to come up with the money so soon?)

If I was you and had that relationship with a parent I would look at it it as a good thing that he's going to attend your wedding (which will cost him alot in travel). If you can't afford the TOG you want you'll have to change it. If he offers to contribute, see it as a bonus and spend it on whatever you want.

Focus on your relationship with him & not on the money. That's what matters in the long run.

The TOG was only £850, any cheaper and ... well. doesn't matter, i'll get the money together somehow.

This might be an inappropriate observation but you talk about how 'you'll' get the money somehow, that all the pressure is on you to sort the finances. I hope your OH is supporting this financially?

Tbh footlong, mrmini diddnt contribute one penny to our wedding. My dad gave us a few grand and apart from that was all me.

yeah,

he's paying off a car til jan then he's setting that money a side for the wedding, also praying he gets his 10% back on his salary that was reduced since April. On paper i earn more, but does more overtime up the wazoo to beat my annual salary. together we earn around £27,000 before tax. the thing is with my job is no overtime so i have to freelance to get extra income. its hard going, a lot of self marketing, and taking ridiculous price cuts to win jobs.

plus between the two of us, i'm the one with 'impulse control' he's a bit of a spend thrive when it comes to money and can get suckered into bad deals (like the time i yelled at an insurance saleman who sold him 'volcano' insurance and made him cancel it) but he's getting better and more shopper savvy of the past 2 years we've lived together to the point he become the the show stopper when shooting down cold callers.

I've done a lot of the research for the wedding and been able to cut most of the fat out where as he would go nuts on extras!

Totally agree, , ,

So sorry. I havent time to read yours or others responses but I read your original post as I got up this morning and been mulling it over all day so felt I should reply.

I feel that other ppl may have given you unrealistic expectations. For example, your OH's dad saying that's what dads are for when getting a place. Umm not really their defined role just an extra thing some dads or others might do. Both our dads have the money but certainly have not helped us financially in houses etc and tbh other than the wedding I prefer it that way.

I also have a dad who has offerred to contribute to the wedding but has a situation that makes me think he might not be able to put forward the gift he has offerred, even though he has reassured me he can. Therefore, I have budgeted to just about be able to afford without his contribution, and my FI and I arent booking a honeymoon just in case. I certainly would not de-invite him if he doesn't follow through. Dads are humans and make mistakes (I am totally not excusing yours and obv dont know anything about your situation) but just saying how I view my less than perfect dad. I know that even if he doesnt follow through on what he offerred I will invite him on the day despite what others say (/are saying) as I'll only punish myself not having him there. Jsut some food for thought.

Hope it all works out xxx

Just 1 little thing now that I was unable to resist temptation and re-read your post a bit more awake. That is to just listen to yourself on how to handle your dad. Ppl with less tricky family dynamics often put their views across with your best interests at heart. However, unless they are in the same position as you it is very hard for ppl to understand the situation and how to deal with it. Sounds like you had the answer from the start and others confused you, even if they had good intentions xx