Things have come to a head with my brother and I'm flying back to the UK tonight. I've called the crisis team at his surgery and the Doctor has been out to see him. I fear for his life - he just wants 'to go to sleep and not wake up'
I'll be in the UK tomorrow morning, but in the meantime I'm panicking he's going to be ok.
Not quite sure why I'm posting, other than you've been a rock to me when I've posted about this before.
I feel so helpless from here - especially when he's calling day and night in such a state ?
Update ...
Well I'm here, and he is worse than I thought. I can't be long as he's just popped out and then we're going to the solicitors. He's not eaten in days. Mum brought him a dinner round last night but he won't touch it. I've caught him drinking. He doesn't want to see the counsellor (which is tough as I'm taking him). He's skinny again. His house is filthy - tidy, but filthy. And so much more I don't have time to write about. Mum found him on the floor last night huddled over his coffee table sobbing his heart out.
I really hope I'm strong enough to deal with this. I really don't know that I am. I need the counsellor for me, never mind him!
Have to dash ...
Small progress ...
The change in my brother since Tuesday when I arrived is huge. Yesterday he ate the lunch I made, and a full dinner last night. It was wonderful to see, and he openly said that only 2 days previously he couldn't have contemplated looking at it.
He is on the ADs and also Diazepam 3 times a day and they seem to be helping. He is much calmer and can actually sit still now, although not for too long. He even has had the odd moment when he has smiled and laughed at some funny videos he was emailed. Good news on that front.
As for the drinking - his cheeks are not as red which is a sure indication of a heavy drinker. In fact, yesterday looking at him I felt I had my brother back. But I'm under no illusion this is over. I'm going to be going home, and when I'm not here he will be alone again. I'm afraid he will turn back to the drink. Yesterday I found an empty water bottle in his office which smelt of scotch, so I threw it away. And also threw away the glass of wine I found in his fridge. My/his counsellor has said to not confront him about it as it will only get him to hide more, so I've not mentioned it again other than reading his medication packets where they say to not operate machinery, not to drive if sleepy and avoid alcohol. Didn't say any more.
Last night he sat and wrote a long email to his wife. She has said she wants an end to the relationship as she feels he is in such dire straits it will impact on her and her home. After sitting with the accountant yesterday it's very obvious that that is not the case. Once the property is sold he will be very solvent. Far less so than if he had sold all the years ago when we said he should have (seeing it killing him emotionally, physically and financially).
But we are where we are and he will be able to buy them both a house when this is all done. Or himself if she is adament.
Reading his letter to her last night made me cry. He is at last opening up and admitting his mistakes. He has made many along the way - keeping things from her, but to protect her. Which was wrong. And he knows that now.
He's told her about the Dr. The tablets. The counsellor. The fact that he isn't well. This in itself is a huge admission I think.
Anyway, we're about to get ready to go out for the day to the Cotswolds. We both love it there and the change of scene will do him the world of good.
And next week we'll put in place all the contacts he needs should he get ill again. Or should I say worse, as he is still ill. It's not all over by any chalk.
Thank you again for all your support, FB messages, emails and posts on here. It really, really did help last week. I still can't talk to family/friends about this. It's still early days.
I'm going to see the counsellor for myself too on Tuesday as it's been very, very hard dealing with this. Watching someone you love like this is, well, you can imagine. Brother found me on my bed crying on Wednesday. I think seeing me upset actually made me realise he was cared for and that it does affect the rest of us.
Anyway, out into the cold and drizzle we go!
FINAL UPDATE - GOING HOME
Hi everyone
Just wanted to give you a quick update on my brother before I crash out.
We have been to hell and back this past week. Both of us. But without going into all the nitty gritties, and by-passing all the tears, the lows and the very lows, he is now on the road to recovery. Thank. God.
I've done what I can and I've told him the choices are his. He has a very, very (and rare, I think) good Doctor who doesn't collude with him, is straight with him, but also empathic. She is there for him to go to when he is feeling ill. And she is prescribing anti-depressants, some other calming tablets and sleeping tablets. She has said that if he doesn't go and see her regularly, she will stop the prescriptions which will mean he will get ill again. She will then go and see him, and if he is anywhere near the state he was in when I called from the US, she will make a judgement call at that moment, but very likely she will section him. He didn't come with me to see her on Monday (understandably as he had just had a call from his wife confirming that she definitely wanted the relationship to end). He was distraught, but she gave me the prescription anyway. We are going tomorrow morning and he wants to thank her for all she did for him last week, and her follow up too. Considering how much we can slate the NHS sometimes, she was pure gold, and if I hadn't been able to get on the first plane over here, he would have been dealt with by all the professionals. They were/are amazing.
He also has an excellent counsellor. We both went to see him together last Tuesday. Brother was restless, couldn't sit still, didn't want to be there ...
He wasn't going to go today, but I asked him to go for me. He went, and had a great session. As he is on the ADs and Diazepam he was calmer, able to rationalise and see that this 'shrink' was doing some good. So that's his 'head' help (my words, not his)
And on Thursday we are going to meet with his new advocate. I worked with this guy when I was advocating for people with learning disabilities. All the time I was there I thought 'X would be able to do so much good for my brother ... ', but the time wasn't right back then. Brother would never have admitted he needed help. X was an accountant for a very prestigious firm, so he knows his stuff on that side. But more than anything, he will be able to help him regarding his mental health as X too suffered from depression. So much so he was sectioned himself twice. We had a good 2 hour chat this morning and I know he will be able to help my brother immensely. X also has a drink problem (although he doesn't drink now, but still says it's a problem - I guess it never goes away). I've talked to my brother about X and he is very happy to know that he will go with him to meetings with the solicitor regarding the sale of his business, help him with any financial stuff, legal stuff, business stuff. Even the mundane stuff like opening letters with him if it all gets too much and he puts them in a pile (as he has done, and I guess we all do when things get on top of us).
So, it's time for me to go home now.
I have given him my all. I'm am physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I need to sleep (not been sleeping, even with OTC pills). I need my husband terribly. And I need my cats.
Thank you all for your kind, kind words and your advice and wisdom last week when I had no-one else to turn to. I cried many tears, and there will still be more to come, but we're getting there.
Oh, and as for Mum. We have set boundaries with her now. And we will reaffirm those on Thursday afternoon when we (brother and me) meet up with her. We are going to tell her he has his GP, his counsellor and his Advocate. All he wants and needs her to be is a Mum. And nothing more.
And he has Mr P and I too. At the end of the phone.
We'll be ok. I hope ?
