Devastated. :'(

Don't mean to go OT but I'm so very sorry for your loss Soon_To_Be_Mrs... truly awful thing to have to go through. ☹️ I'm really sorry if my comment upset you....

Hi soon to be Mrs, just wanted to give you my condolences for the loss of your friend. Good thoughts going out to all. X

Without sounding awful is this the girl that's a size 22? She may feel uncomfy about getting in a dress so soon after a baby.

personally I think u should be happy for her, don't forget your wedding is the centre of your world and right now her being a mum is the centre of her world! When we are teenagers we have a different outlook on life. She will still be at the wedding but not as your teenage best mate as a mum, and also a 5 month old baby is a lot to look after and she might want to leave early etc. no one can predict a pregnancy or how a baby will be once it's born. I think she has done a mature honest thing rather than going along with it and dropping you at the last minute when it all gets to much.

I'd give her the option but don't push her to do something she doesn't feel comfy with, a friendship is worth a lot more than 1 day of being a BM!

xx

No. What you said is true!

Just wanted to send you virtual hugs and best wishes to you and her family. So, so sorry for your loss...

One of my BMs (I only have two!) is now 5 months pregnant and already has a 2 young kids. She wanted to step down as she thought I wouldn't want her in the photos! Hahaha! I told her not to be so silly and that it really didn't matter to me - I was more about whether she would handle the stress of being there on the morning, etc. I haven't really given my BMs much to do other than organising the hen (the majority of which was sorted before she found out she was pregnant) and then a few decoration bits. I just need them in the run up to stop me from worrying - I'm pretty laid back about everything else.

She was really pleased that I still wanted her as a BM and I've just made sure that she doesn't have anything to do that will be too stressful or strenuous. To be honest, I think she is looking forward to having bits and bobs to do as she knows that once the baby is here - that will be it for her! Definitely have a chat with your BM and ask her if she does still want to be a BM and if she does, put her mind at rest and not give her too much to do but maybe do "little" things or simply being there for you when you need a chat.

I do think being "devastated" is a little over the top - I was a bit shocked at first, but it was more that I was worried about her managing on the day and I didn't want to add to her stress. Your friend can still defo be a BM, if that's what she wants and you may just have to be a bit more flexible of your expectations of her.

Oh and with the dress - I've let her see if the one we have already still fits and if not, she's going to find one that will be comfortable for her but still match with the other BM/theme.

Agree with all of this!

I was in a similar situation - my oldest friend said no to being Maid of Honour as she hoped to be pg or have a baby. I was gutted, still am to be honest, and wished she'd said yes but known that I'd not expect a lot of her given either of those situations. Turns out she is neither, sadly, but she's still been an amazing support to me regardless of not being official. So if she's not a BM - she's not going to fall of the radar!

On the other side - I've also been on a bridal party with a BFing BM and it was fine. Her husband helped out, brought baby to places it needed to be and she did all other BM functions fine. Just breast fed her in a quiet spot as she would at any other place?!

One of my bridesmaids (step sister) will have a 5 month old and my other has 2 small children. It doesn't mean they can't still be bridesmaids though, all I really want from them is to wear the dress and walk down the aisle! And I've got their girls dresses to be flower girls.. this is probably how I've ended up with 10 bridesmaids! Xx

I can understand you may feel a little disappointed, as your plans have had to change. But she can still come to your wedding, perhaps just in a different setting.

One of my BMs (my sister) is currently trying for a baby. I know if she gets pregnant any time between now and December she won't be able to come to our wedding at all (she lives in NZ, and is unlikely to be able to travel being anything between 6 and 9 months pregnant). While she isn't pregnant yet, I will be disappointed if she can't come. BUT, I know that doesn't change how she feels about me, or her support of me. If it happens, it's just how it was meant to be.

I'm sure the "devastation" was just the initial surprise to you. But once you have had time to put it all into perspective, I'm sure you'll realise that it's not so bad afterall and she will still be there to support you on your big day - just with a cute little bundle in her arms!

There are a couple of trains of thought here.

1) BM wants to step down because she will feel frumpy/in the way/unsure how to cope/scared of dresses/duties etc etc etc - in this scenario, support and kindness from you as opposed to drama is best foot forward. If she is a first time mum, it is beyond overwhelming and emotional. There is zero room for much else in your life for the last 3 months of pregnancy and the first 6 months of having a baby.
Unless you're superhuman, in which case I bow down to you.

2) BM wants to step down because her baby trumps your wedding and she hasn't got the time/energy/inclination to focus on your day. This sounds cruel - it isn't intended to be - it's just that I know when I was pregnant/had a newborn last Summer you wouldn't have got me to be a bridesmaid if you were my own sister. Nu-uh, not happening.

My daughter is going to be an 18month old flower girl at my friend's wedding this Winter. I'm partially dreading it. I feel like I will miss out on the fun stuff because I have to be a mum to a little devil first and foremost (making sure she isnt sick on anyone, doesn't have an accident, doesnt melt down in the ceremony) AND I won't be able to be a good mum because I have to deal with Bridal ***. TBF I tried to wriggle out of bringing darling daughter but the bride is adamant she is coming so I have to lump it and put best foot forward I would much rather be a guest and fade into the background. What I wouldn't give for a baby free stay in a hotel with my husband...*sighs*

I often think we are all guilty of "bestowing" BM duties upon someone like its a privilege and an honour. I hate being a bridesmaid. I wish I could spend every wedding in a fancy hat and frock I chose myself at the back of the room guzzling free drinks and nibbling free canapes without a photocall in sight. That doesn't make me a bad friend - it makes me human.

**Takes cover**

I totally agree with this! My brother got married a few years ago and I became so worried about finding a dress to wear and getting my hair right and whatnot that I had a crop of zits on the bridge of my nose for MONTHS before. They disappeared straight after the wedding. And I'm childfree and knew objectively that nobody there would care how I looked, weddings just bring out my terrible social anxieties. I completely understand a woman who's just had a baby not wanting to do it.

This.

I hated being a bridesmaid. I hated all the fuss and getting ready in the morning. I hated my hair and the dress I had to wear. I hated having to walk down the aisle while everyone stared at me. I hated having to stand in the blistering heat having the same photo taken for hours while trying to keep a smile on my face till my jaw ached. And I hated having to run around after the bride all day when all I wanted was to sit down with a large drink and actually enjoy the day.

And I didn't have a new born to worry about.

Well, following advice here and having a chat with H2B last night it's all gone pear shaped :'( I'm only letting off steam here so that a) i dont make things worse and b) I dont end up b*tch*ng to my other BMs about her.

But..... I/we decided that it would be nice to have her as a witness as per some suggestions above as that way she's still very important and giving us her blessing without the rigmarole of dress wearing/hotel stopping/duties/etc, and instead have my sister as the BM instead of witness which is something I toyed with for 6 months before deciding .

Anyway, I dropped her a watsapp last night to contact the BM who's thinking of backing out with a long text saying I understand her concerns what with travel, costs, and a new addition to the family yaa de yaa, however said i must have her as an important role in the wedding somehow as she is too important to me to just "be a guest". I ended it with, my idea only involves you for 10 minutes on the day but is massivly important so give me a call or drop me a text when you're free and we can talk about it I immediately got back "it depends what it is". I replied with "We would like you to be a legal witness instead " and i got back "oh so just signing a peice of paper at the end of the service? I dont see it being a problem ill let you know". I really felt like i'm jsut not that important (YES I KNOW SHE HAS MORE TO THINK ABOUT NOW" but roles reveresed I'd of been so chuffed I'd be considered and still wanted to be kept highly invovled. i repled with "well its a little more than just signing a piece of paper, its giving us your blessing and legally confirming you agree we can marry, rather important" to which she said "well i wouldnt know that would i!!!!! I'll think about it and let you know". I said forget it. and it stopped there :'( :'(

My H2B wasnt too pleased as it upset me, and hes usualy very understanding and fair - doesnt stick up for me just cuz i'm his mrs, but he said pregnant or not, that was out of order and we should have someone witness for us who actually wants to. My sister and his sister were overjoyed when we asked them, and my sister only said this morning how proud she is to be involved in the wedding (randomly!).

Like i say, i'm only letting it out here so i dont end up b*tch*ng to other friends :'( pregnancy hormones or not I am so gutted.

I am NOT devasted by her being pregnant!!!! How many times do I have to say this???? Quite the opposite!!!

I am devesated that my lifelong friend, the one person who knows me inside and out, doesnt want to be a part of my wedding in any way other than a guest anymore!!!! I am allowed to feel my emotions.

Like I said, your wedding isn't the top of her to do list right now, and I doubt she can be a*rs*d with it BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT, if you are a good friend, or even a good person, you still have the ability to be polite. Even if it's politely declining the invitation in the first place.

We all have a duty to be kind and fair, and not hurt other people's feelings.

I would step back and enjoy the process, instead of hopping around trying to force other people to enjoy it with you. Sounds to me like you have family who are over the moon about it, rejoice with them and leave her to nest/post on forums about nappy bags and other such things. She will resurface in time

Ok, have read your update and that is a bit odd.

Just to play devil's advocate - might she have been expecting you to respond with 'I would love you to still be a bridesmaid if you would like to be. I promise you won't have to do anything but turn up, walk down the aisle and look your lovely self'? So when you accepted her BM 'resignation' she was a bit put out?

TALK TO HER. Stop sending texts/Whatsapp messages, meet up and have a proper chat.

And remember that your wedding is still a year away, and things can change a lot between now and then.

This was my first thought too.

So much can get lost in translation through texts/the written word. I would talk to her face to face and see what she is really feeling.

I just want to start out and say i'm really sorry that all of this is upsetting to you, however. Whatsapp/texting/facebook are very dangerous ways of communicating, especailly when you are already upset over a situation. You can read things in the wrong tone and take things in a way they weren't meant when they were written.

Your friends reply "depends what it is" for example- in my mind this is because it genuinely depends what you are thinking - if she thought you were going to ask her to do a reading/speach and she's terrified of public speaking - then she may not of been comfortable with it (i wouldn't be comfortable no matter how much i love the person!)

The responses "oh so just signing a piece of paper" message, could have been relief, i personally don't think she meant it as dismissively as it might have come across to you (being that you're already feeling sensitive about it)

Personally - and this is just my opinion, the texts on their own aren't that offensive, but because you are emotionally sensitive you have taken them more personally than intened. But i'm detached from the situation so could be wrong!

Also on a side note, i though there was only space for two people to be witnesses? You already have two.... again i could be wrong!

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, as i know its really upsetting when family/friends let you down, but in this case i think she has genuine concerns and is not doing it because she doesn't care about you/your wedding.

No, initially (earlier in the day) I had responded to that effect and she had simply said "what if im breastfeeding? i cant just leave it. I'll talk with partner at the next scan next month and let you know what I decide". She had been dropping subtle things the last few weeks anyway so i cant say i was 100% surprised......

So, she knows im gutted and I said I'd only want her to 1 dress fitting and to turn up on the day.

We live 80 miles apart and she works night shifts so we rarely get to talk on phone and meet up only 3 - 4 times a year these days

belbs - thanks that all does make sense and you are absolutely right.
I think i'm just going to let the dust settle. She is meant to be coming to stay at mine for a weekend in 4 weeks....... if no contact week before, I'll drop her a text without mentioning anything and if all goes well and she comes, not mention the wedding.
Yes we have 2 witnesses (sisters) but was going to swap witness and BM over. I had toyed with my sister being BM anyway and made the decision to chose the way i had.

Ok I will get shot down in flames but I am sorry this all sounds very childish! Remember this is YOUR wedding, you cant force anyone to be part of it if they don't want to, right now she is pregnant and like any newly pregnant women will be worried about the 1st scan and getting past the 12 week mark, step back and see this from the outside!! Yes she is your best friend and you want her by you side but don't force her to do something she doesn't want to! Not everyone is in to weddings, just be happy she is willing to make the trip over for the wedding with a new born baby!

Sounds like a good idea. Maybe you should take a week or two away from plannng. In the early days its really easy to get caught up in the planning and totally losing sight of everything else.

Give your friend some time to get used to the idea of being pregnant. Maybe leave it a few days before speaking again, but it's not worth falling out with her over, 15 years of friendship is worth a lot. I would actively encourage her to come down and stay - after 5 mins i'm sure you'll be back to your usual selves and you'll come up with a solution that works well for both of you!

I wonder whether it would have been good to wait until the scan like she asked you to. I'm not sure what the scan has to do with it, but is it possible that she wanted to ask some questions about breast feeding etc before making a decision...

She might now be disappointed that you are not willing to wait for a couple of weeks?

Lots of people have said this to you, but your wedding is not as important to other people. The sooner you accept that the better as it will save you a lot of disappointment.

Don't take this the wrong way please - it's nice that you're so excited and want to get things done straight away. BUT please keep your expectations of other people realistic. If someone has asked you for time to think then give them that time unless their request is unreasonable.

Your friend is having her scan in a couple of weeks. That's more than sorting out who's BM when you've got a whole year to plan.

Relax and enjoy instead of stressing out about things. You're going to be in a right state before the wedding if you carry on like this.

Your friend has asked for some time. Its more than 12 months until the wedding so give her some space and take a breather about everything. There could be lots of things about the baby that she is worried about - especially given how newly pregnant she is. Maybe twins run in the family, maybe she has been spotting, maybe they have certain genes on OH side that need to be tested for. Speak to her when she comes down but let her have some space.

I have to say this too. Having read your other threads about the dress kerfuffle and how upset you were, I am wondering what other all consuming dramas are around the corner in the WP life cycle.

Very good point you both have made. I do feel a bit of a donkey for jumping on it like I did. But.... that's a trait of mine I don't think i'll ever shake I'm afraid :'( Also, I know her history and there are probably thousands of worries in her head atm re. this baby and the future. I should of been more considerate and stepped back..... accept that she doesnt want to be in it and I cant force her.

I am still down about her not being involved like I wanted her to be, but hey, she will be there at the wedding (I hope!!)

This sounds really sensible. Try getting excited about the new baby for her if (no let's be positive) when she does come down, that will lighten the mood no end I bet!

As for the stress thing, at least you've always got us lot to talk you into stepping away from the Nut Hat (which is what my friends and I call such irrational worrying).

To be honest it's sounds to me like there's more to it. I'm being bridesmaid for someone next month and I have a breastfeeding 5 month old. Me and the bride are by no means close and it is a pain in the arse as my H is also best man but I'm sucking it up and doing it because I agreed to do it.

My advice is to stop pushing her. If she doesn't want to tell you the real issues there's nothing you can do. Pushing her will only end up with arguments.

I wasn't aware being a witness involved her giving her blessing and legally confirming she agrees you can marry...

At the end of the day she is right - it is just signing the register after the ceremony.

I think if she's been dropping hints for ages and has now actually told you she doesn't want the BM responsibility anymore you're just going to have to accept it. IMHO I think what she has done is very noble. Perhaps she knows that her world will be all consumed with this tiny being growing inside of her and she'll no longer have the time to give you the support you so obviously need/want. If you allow her to just come as a guest she can enjoy your wedding but still be 100% involved with her baby because as someone else has said, in her world - this trumps your wedding. When she said she was stepping down she was maybe a little miffed that you didn't accept her decision, instead you came back at her saying you 'must' have her as an important role in your wedding.

I think once you've gotten over your initial disappointment you may be able to see things more clearly from her point of view - she still wants to be your friend and she wants to bring her family to your wedding. These are two wonderful things that will make your day just as special! And your best friend will be there feeling happy and relaxed.

(NB - when I got engaged one of my best friends said 'Please don't ask me to be a bridesmaid - I've done it 9 times already' (I'm not surprised by this as she is one of the best people I know - EVER!) I thought she was joking so when we booked our wedding and we started organising the bridal party I did ask her. She said NO - apparently she wasn't joking! I wasn't devastated though because she still wants to come to my wedding. She'd just rather be a guest. That's fine by me because as others have said - it's an invite to be a part of the wedding -not a demand!! She's at the end of the phone when I want to ask her advice, she's excited about seeing photos of anything I want to share with her and she's happy for me. That's enough for me and I don't think any less of her or our friendship because of it. I hope this might help you a little) xx

Well things have now took a turn for the better. She left the watsapp group the BMs have all been a part of and followed it with a nice text to say sorry if she's been short with me but theres a lot on her mind atm and would rather we just semi-ish said she isnt going to be one. she put a sad face followed by "baby hormones". I replied and said i understand, i've had time to react properly, and so long as shes there I get it. But that i'd rather she be an actual" part of the wedding somehow. She replied and said its for the best and hopes we have no bad feelings. i said course not, see you in a few weeks !

So, i've had time to calm down about it and she also probably knows she handled it a bit insensitively......... i hope she does agree to witness for me..... either way im glad I had somewhere to get this off my chest!!

Also, i thught signing the reg was a legal declaration that you know of no legal reason why the marriage should not go ahead and also that you give your blessing?