Did you promise to Obey?

It does all rather assume that husband and wife are (a) not mentalists and (b) talk to each other.

Whatever your vows, someone can abuse them. How many people vow to forsake all others then find their husband having a fling? Just because it's possible doesn't mean you don't make that decision, knowing your partner as you do and with your ideals set high.

But isn't that just normal concluesion to come to? If you have no money don't go on holiday. Could you please give me an example of when/where/how you would need obey your husbnd? What would you consider obeying your husband????

I'm not sure in that case what the point of saying you will obey is - as you are assuming he will only ever make decisions that are in the best interests of your family and that you will agree with him. MrSC and I have openly discussed how we will parent, for example, for most of our relationship, and yet as we haven't actually have a child yet I'm assuming we WILL disagree on some stuff. I think I would find it hard to put my vows to my husband over what I believe is best for my child. If it's just about respect for each other then why aren't those the only words used? If you agreed to respect and cherish each other that covers it really doesn't it?

It just feels like the word 'obey' is there as an archaic hang-up from a time when women's opinions didn't really matter and that the relationship you are describing (both of you) could be 'vowed' with very different words which are the same for both partners.

Yes it is but i used the example given. I would obey my H in everything so one example does not come to mind. I can't think of one example where my H has even asked me to obey him. I trust my H to make the best decisions for me and my future family if needed and he respects me enough to listen to my input first before making a decision if needed. Majority of decisions are made together anyway!

But this is a very formal way of talking about it and i don't walk around my house saying 'yes H i obey you' ?

I'm embarrassed to say that I have no idea. I can't remember ?

I suspect I didn't, but quite honestly my view is (and was) that whether I said it or not wouldn't have any bearing on my committment to the success of my marriage.

Not the only ones to debate this:

http://www.weddingguideuk.com

This is the thing neither do I, for me I think of it as mutual respect. I mean the word cherish makes me cringe and makes me think of him sitting with me stroking my hair and feeding me strawberries (best not to ask me why ? )

Had we married in a church I might have done actually. I'm a shocking romantic where the basic construct of mine and Mr JK's marriage is concerned; quite old-fashioned really. It goes hand in hand with my deep love of Cary Grant. In similar vein, I'm a bit of a low-level perve on the side <cough>, so obeying rings those bells too.

Sadly I am a dyed-in-the-wool atheist, so we had a rigorously secular ceremony with no mention of any such thing.

No report, no pics.

No I didn't.

Obey wasn't mentioned when we went to see the vicar - the vow said love and cherish for both of us. If it had been suggested though, I wouldn't have said it. I think it's a very old fashioned word that can have inappropriate conertations.

I've only recently joined Hitched therefore wasn't on here at the time of my wedding - might be if I have another one though!! (I am in the process of getting divorced BTW)

I didn't promise to obey, I wanted to mean my vows and there is no way I would mean that ?

My H is crap with money and (not being big headed) but I am far more intelligent, even he admits this, it would make no sense whatsoever for him to have final say over stuff he doesn't really "get". He does however have far far more knowledge when it comes to practical stuff and I, out of common sense, wouldn't question him on this. The way I see it we are a partnership and my strengths are his weaknesses and vice versa, obviously this is not true of every couple but for us it works and as such neither of us are "head" of our household, we both have our areas of expertise and anything in between is discussed between us - usually at great length ?

I wanted to have obey but they didn't have the order of service available

My husband respects me in the way that I do him. Our partnership has always been equal. Give and take between us both. But I would listen to him and take his sound advice. To obey sounds like you have to agree with everything he says.....which I'm lucky because we both have the same ideas anyway! So we don't fall out.

The thing I don't get here is why H would be making decisions for me and the family. We're a partnership. We take important decisions together. He's not the "head of the household" (why do I want to sing "you're not the boss of me" at this point?), we both are. Given that we're an equal partnership, it'd be utterly wrongity-wrong-wrong for me to "obey" him.

Anyway, to answer the OP, no obey, no report, no pics here!

My H and and I are also a partnership and just because I said obey doesn't make it any less of one. I used an example given, as I went on to say on a later post. We also take decisions together.

Nope, civil ceremony so ne obeying here.

No report, no pics- I was never a WPer anyway and am not sure OT would have appreciated me rocking up and posting it on here ?

I am not sure if I really envy people wh say "my husband will never ask me to do something I don't want" or, TBH find them a bit niave. How do you deal with situations like:

your husband changes, or is not the man you thought you married?

your husband becomes ill with mental health problems and expects you to live a life you don't want as a result of that?

Your husband changes upon becoming a father (the smacking thing is a good example) and you had never seen this side before marraige?

Your husband takes advantage of your willingness to comly with his wishes by doing something he wants more than you (emigrating for example)

all of these things have a pretty good chance of happening in the course a marriage.

We had a civil ceremony, so no 'obey' for me.

My brother and his wife are born-again Christians and during their wedding vows, his wife not only promised to obey, but also said something along the lines of 'I bow to you my master', or something similar. Her father was terribly upset about it, saying that he didn't bring his daughter up to bow to any man.

I'm sorry to bump this thread but I wanted to point out that SC's post really hit the nail on the head for me. The people explaining their being ok with the saying of the "obey" vow since "it doesn't really mean to OBEY like you'd automatically assume" (or whatever) kinda seems beside the point.

Didn't obey. Had a civil anyway, but H didn't want me to obey if it had been an option. He said he wouldn't have felt comfortable with it.

I did do a wedding report. I posted pretty much equally on WP and OT before the wedding, but had a lot of support from people on WP in the difficult run up and knew there were a lot of people who wanted to know how it had gone (i.e. did my Dad make it or not?). There were some wonderful people on WP at the time (some of whom are still around) and the emotional support I received before the wedding and after Dad's death was amzing and so appreciated.

This was what I should have written. ?

Anyway, on the plus side, I seem to have livened things up a bit.

P&AP that is a perfect way of putting it!

that made me laugh so hard!

We had no imput on our vows at all (didn't even think to tbh) and I don't think I did say obey. I think it was to love, honour and cherish? We were married by a very liberal family friend who is a retired RC priest and he's probably more pro-feminism than I am. ?

I've just read my wedding report and I'm ? ? at myself. Dearie me.

We had a church wedding and obey wasn't even mentioned, our vicar was very much of the opinion of marriage being a partnership, he's part of the reason we chose that church

Mum chose not to obey when she got married, there was no way she'd agree to obey my dad and he wouldn't want her to (well he probably would sometimes just so he could get his own way once in a while)

I am certain we promised to obey!

We married in Italy and the vows are very different to over here. A lot was about me agreeing to take on his family (like hell!) ? H speaks Italian and I don't so anytime we have conflict he'll always say "but it was in the vows", cheeky bugger!

Waaah, I've still got my hen night report and copy of my speech too. ?

Mrs Magic, I think we need to see those reports for our... um... records. Yes, definitely.

? It's hilariously wanky.

Saturday 22nd May 2004
Traquair House, Innerleithen, Scottish Borders - www.traquair.co.uk


Friday

I was supposed to be having a relaxing week in the run up to the wedding in an attempt to be as well as possible for the big day and honeymoon (as I don’t keep in the best of health) but this couldn’t have been further from the truth – it was manic! Friday was the culmination of the busiest week I think I’ve ever had!

Friday was a miserable day, it rained on an off for all of it, it got me a bit worried!

I was up early trying to get things like shoes, jewellery, favours and OOS packed to take with me, which I didn’t in the end! The phone just didn’t stop ringing, at one point I had 3 people trying to speak to me at once on different phones! I left at 11am for the 50 minute drive from Musselburgh to Peebles (near venue) to go to the Registrar to collect Marriage Schedule then waited at the nearby hotel for H and his family to arrive. They were coming by minibus from Liverpool, and as H and I didn’t live together (or anywhere near each other!) this was the first time I’d seen him in 2 weeks. We spent some time with people there then disappeared for a bar lunch!

H's mum made my dress (you may remember the panic!) and as I had lost quite a bit of weight, it had to be taken in – the first chance we got to do this was the day before, so she came to with sewing machine in tow! In between doing this we had to go to the rehearsal, my mum, L (bridesmaid), D (Best Man), H and I got into car and drove to the venue to meet George (our priest) and to run through things.

When we got back, I tried on dress one last time and then we had a drink in the bar. L, my mum and I left at 6.30pm to drive back to Musselburgh. The night was spent packing and finishing men’s favours! We got to sleep about midnight!


The big day

I woke up early but didn’t get up, I just lay enjoying the peace and quiet, reflecting on what was to come. L came into my room and we decided to look outside – it was glorious!! The sun was blazing at 7am, I could have danced in the street. L went to buy croissants and we stood outside having breakfast, some neighbours heard our voices and came out to wish us well. My mum was more nervous than me at this point!

The three of us went to the hairdressers at 9am and I felt like a celebrity, all the juniors stood watching us getting our hair done – getting peeved if anyone asked them to do anything, they just wanted to watch me! After this we picked up our flowers which completely overwhelmed me, they were beautiful! Much bigger and better than we’d ever imagined.

After this, we drove back down to Peebles, it hit us that the moment was really coming!

We had to sneak into the hotel (so not to be seen by H) to collect my dress from H’s mum then drive to Traquair House. When we went in the gate at midday, it was looking more beautiful than it ever had before. The sunlight was catching it and it was breath taking!

We got into the room that was to be our first night room too, to get ready. Zoë, the make-up girl arrived and worked through the 3 of us. H and I managed to sit on a bench outside for a little while and enjoy the tranquillity. George arrived and sat beside us for a while, and laughed at me when he heard I didn’t want to see H until I walked up the aisle (superstitious crap, apparently – and that is from a priest!)

It was time to get dressed! I couldn’t quite believe I was putting on MY wedding dress, the moment every girl dreams of had arrived!

The photographer came in and took some pictures of us and then we made the short walk across the courtyard to the chapel. The House was still open to the public and all the staff and visitors plus a few people we knew came to watch, I was in a daze but saw all the faces smiling at me, it was wonderful.

My mum was giving me away so we walked in first, followed by H and I only noticed about 2 people (although there were 20!) all I could see was H. He was too scared to look round in case it started him off, knowing that would start me off! It was a very small aisle, there are only 5 pews so I took the tiniest steps possible! I heard one person say “isn’t she gorgeous” and that made me tingle all over, it was me they were talking about.

The service was beautiful, George made everyone smile. It all went by so fast but we can remember it vividly. We had classical music as well as 2 hymns and very personal readings. George got has to face our guests, rather than have our back to them during the main ceremony which was lovely. The unity candle part was really meaningful too. A good few tissues were used during the service although I managed not to cry!

After the service we went back out to the courtyard for our champagne reception and canapés, where we mingled to speak to everyone instead of having a line up. This was one of the main reasons for having such a small guest list, we wanted to be able to speak to everyone. This was followed by photos, which in the blazing sun seemed to take quite a while!

It was about 4.45pm by now, so people spent the next hour or so wandering round the grounds (they were warned not to get lost in the maze!) or just sitting enjoying the sunshine. It was exactly how we imagined it, all very relaxed.

The meal was at 6pm, it was absolutely delicious! We had local smoked salmon, chicken in a dill and white wine sauce then cranachan, everyone spoke very highly of the meal! We had an un-top table with 11 immediate family and wedding party round it at 2 tables of 6, so everyone could speak to each other.

After the meal we went to the ‘Upper Drawing Room’ for speeches, followed by cutting the cake. 4 of us made a speech - my mum, H, D and then me. I wanted to make the absent friends toast as it was very special to me that I did and although I made everyone cry it was worth doing. We had some champagne, then coffee and cake and everyone just sat and chatted, it was very, very relaxed. A few glassed of wine were spilt but luckily not straight on the 300 year old floors!

H and I went out with the photographer at 9pm to get some shots in the different sunlight and we went to some lovely places in the grounds including the rose garden and by the river. We were so pleased we did as the light in them is lovely.

We decided to leave around 10.45pm as were both exhausted and everyone else left within the next half an hour, all back to the hotel in Peebles, except us who had the most beautiful room in the house. There was a few screams from outside though as the house has bats who were very excited – apparently if you throw a tea towel at them they will play with it but I didn’t try it!!


Sunday

It was all over, we truly had the most amazing day. H and I went to the hotel in Peebles (me in my just married t shirt) to see everyone. H gave me white gold watch while we were there and we also opened a few presents people had given us there. We had a bar lunch with the stragglers then headed back to Musselburgh, trying to take everything that had just happened in! We went to visit my terminally ill Auntie who couldn’t make it to the wedding and had some more champagne and cake with her, having our first chance to talk about what happened.

In the evening we walked to the cemetery to leave my bouquet at my sister and grandparent’s graveside.

We spent the 36 hours packing to go on the most amazing cruise around the Mediterranean for 2 weeks. Since getting home on Tuesday, I have moved house for the first time in my life, I’ve moved to Liverpool to be with H.I hope I haven’t sent you to sleep, apologies for the length of the report – for such a small wedding there is so much to say!

Thank you to everyone who has helped me over the last 6 months, you guys have been a rock and I look forward to all out chats as an old married!!

Mrs (and Mr) Magic (MagicMoments)!!

Waaaaaaaaah Mrs M, that's brilliant! So very WP of you!

I can't search far back enough to find my report but I might try to write out some of the key bits just so I don't forget in the future. I can remember more than I think though, as I was reading along yours I was remembering this and that bit from mine. Perhaps I'll treat OT to a report after 2 and a bit years?!

It's very WP and takes me back!

I'm glad I've still got all the stuff actually, it's nice to read back.

This is my speech...

I bet you weren’t expecting me to stand up today, Contrary to popular belief, I can keep a secret! I know it’s the best man who is meant to be last but I would like to start my marriage as I mean to go on – with the last word!


I’d to thank a few people –

Mum – you’ve put up with me for the last 24 years, so many things have happened but we’re both still a team, here to tell the tale. Thank you for being there for me through everything and thanks for all your support for today. Even if I’m in Liverpool, I’m still always here and I’ll still love you!

L– My gorgeous bridesmaid and fabulous friend, thank you for being there. You’ve been a great help to me today and over the last few months (since we met 5 years ago for that matter!) you’ve listened to me wittering about this and that and probably sick of the sound of me. I’m also probably due you quite a bit of petrol money for all those journeys up and down the M90 lately!

Also to D, thanks from me too for being a great Best Man and for all you’ve done.

MiL and FiL – what can I say… you’ve given me this man and made him what he is today. For that I will always be grateful. Also, I hope you know what you’ve let yourself in for, when the Jock comes to live in Huyton!

George - Thank you, you're a star.

Auntie and Uncle – thank you so much, from both of us.

Cousins – My big and Dean’s little cousin, thank you for reading today, we really appreciate you doing that for us.

I’d like to mention someone very special to us - Veronica, I think everyone knows why she isn’t here today, her presence is very much missed and all our love and thoughts are with her. I'd also like to send our love to C and her tiny baby S who was born last week, she is missed by us too.

There are also so many people who are no longer with us but who would have loved to have been here today. They wouldn’t want us to be sad that they are not here. I’m sure they are all with us in spirit, watching over us and probably hoping we have a drink for them. So, can I ask you to be upstanding and to have that drink…To all our ABSENT FRIENDS…


I am standing here as the luckiest woman in the world, next to the man of my dreams. I truly have found my soul mate and my life long best friend, someone to share my life with, someone who will love me when I’m old and wrinkly. Thank you for today and for becoming my future.

I would like to finish with words from a much wiser woman than myself:

“I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I’m with you
I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you have made of me
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.” (Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

To my new husband - Thank you for being you and for loving me.

?