Divorce - money related!

Depends on your frame of mind - you sound as if you could take a bit more of a fight at this stage now that the raw emotions are calmed a bit. Doing it through solicitors will cost, but will keep you away from direct contact with ex. It certainly sounds as though you were pressurised into accepting a lump sum figure. I think the judge is indicating that you should be entitled to more & therefore should try to get more. You need to think about securing your own future. Why not find out from Solicitor estimated cost to chase this up?

Thanks for your reply - I don't really want to open up the fight again, particularly as my husband and I had buried all our bad feeling and even went for a drink recently. If I take him to court for more money, he will hate me again.

But he didn't seem to care what I thought of him when he was making threats against me. It's not like we are going to stay friends in the future, so my 'business head' tells me to go for more money so that I am able to get a decent deposit for a flat. I don't see why I should be struggling, when he is living comfortably, particularly when a judge thinks the split is unfair.

Confused!!!

Can you not talk to your ex? call him up/go for a drink and explain the situation. Tell him that you don't want to go to court and cost him more in legal fees, but that you can't start again on what you have left, and even the judge thinks it is unfair.

He may suprise you as it will be in his interests to settle it directly with you, and it sounds like he is not an idiot, just trying his luck....

It's at least worth a try before you do anything else?

Plus if you have buried bad feeling that should be on both sides so he shouldn't want more rows either.

Good luck ?

Thanks Bubbly. My husband is not one who understands reason and unfortunately if I try to argue my case directly to him, he will just go back to his aggressive bullish ways! Which is what got me in this situation in the first place, because he wore me down! But thanks for the suggestion! I think it's one for the lawyers!

I would suggest asking yourself these questions:

How important is it to your future life and wellbeing to have your ex as a friend?

Can you *really* truly bury the hatchet and forget the bad stuff he did or will there always be that little niggling urge to throw it back in his face?

is this 'amicable' state you are now in really going to last when you/he find new partners?

is being on good terms with him less/more important that having security for yourself for the future?

Personally, I think this does need your business head on and maybe a flak jacket :¬)

? firstly... IMO you need to make sure that YOU can live once the divorce comes through, I know it will be very hard and very draining but to be left with so little and him so much seems unfair. If you will struggle to get on with life (ie house, car etc) then you could end up resenting him a lot and that inturn wearing you down even more, you want to be able to walk away and move on with your life iykwim.

I could be totally wrong but I would have thought you would have been entitled to some of the pension fund? My friend was able to get some of her ex's when they split after a few years marriage. (though it could be diff from case to case)

I hope that makes some sense without being harsh ?

Well I will resent him if I walk away with the capital sum as we origially agreed. Because now I know a judge is saying it's unfair, that will eat away at me for years. To think I let my husband get away with it and he is so comfortably off, and I am struggling. It's true that he is only amicable if he is getting his way. I can't see us being friends in the future, and my security is incredibly important to me.

Apparently after a short marriage, I am not entitled to his pension in normal circumstances. But he earnt a lot of money, so decided to put his bonuses into his pension because we could afford that. But we could only afford that, if I paid 50% of my salary towards the mortgage each month, which left me so skint that I could only pay a minimal contribution to my own pension. He paid around 40% of his salary to the mortgage. This split wasn't really fair at the time because his salary was 4 times mine!

I'm really not sure what to do now!

Barsteward - that's how they get away with it. Get yourself some proper legal advice and get what you deserve. Be strong and have a ?

I think you've answered your own question. Now, here's a bucketful of courage for you to help you make that next step. Go to your solicitor arned with the figures that relate to the pension contribs that you were able to make versus the ones that he was able to make. They speak for themselves.

Good luck! You CAN do it.

Rx

I think you have answered your own q too! So heres yet more courage ? (a drinkie lol) It doesnt matter what he earns the assetts should be split fairly and I would get more advice on the pension query too.

Good Luck!

Thank you for your messages of support! I don't know why but I feel sorry for him that he has to give up some of his money to me, which is ridiculous I know!

My solicitor is confident we'd get more money if I want it, but it would mean court action (what I really wanted to avoid). It's now down to me to weigh up whether I want to go through with it all. A few good long thinking sessions I think!

thanks for the tips ?

Sorry, but you gave up some of your money when you were married. You're not doing anything wrong.

I am in a very similar position to you and have decided to go for it. Good luck and be strong.

Oh Good for you soph. I've been meaning to catch up with you about that for ages.

Agree with the others RB- Go for it. It sounds really hard but the split of expenses when you were married sounds very unfair.

that's interesting Sophie M - did you get a consent order refused or are you just going the court route straight away?

Neither, yet. When we split up I accpeted a sum of money in settlement for my share of the property, but for various reasons two years down the line when I gotthe divorce in train, I decided this wasn't good enough. We've not had the decree nisi granted yet nor really entered into financial negotiations so I can't tell you what the court/we will decide.

It is so horrid isn't it? Puts me off getting married again that's for sure! This part is so blo*dy stressful!

It's sh1t. Our split was more acrimonious than an acrimonious thing as well...

I think the key here is that you aren't "going after his money" you are just looking to get what is fair. You went short and paid more than you could afford towards the mortgage so that you could safeguard for your future as a couple. He's now going to reap those rewards!

I hope that we will never divorce but like you, I have very much supported my H in his career and worked hard during the hard times to help towards what will hopefully be a fruitful retirement. If we split then I would be looking to be compensated for that and not let him sit back and enjoy it on his own. You were a team and as such you deserve your share.

As the others have said, your H is being nice because he knows he's getting a good deal. I think you need to find some big hairy b0llocks and get a much fairer settlement. Good luck!

Hi Poochanna

I love what you said! And it makes perfect sense. I didn't exactly go without, but I certainly didn't have much to myself and certainly was not able to save anything or make anything other than minimum pension payments whilst he bolstered his own. I encouraged that believing we would benefit as a couple later down the line. So yes, I should look at it that way I guess. I am going to be strong and go for it I think, even though I want an easy life. I do feel I have been ripped off slightly and I don't want that feeling to cloud me for my future, always looking back with regret.

Thanks to everyone for helping me see that what I am doing is fair. I have been struggling with it to be honest, but being too nice in the past is why I have been walked over several times! I need to get some of those big hairy things!!

By being strong and going for it - you will get an easier life - think of it that way.... Good luck, we're all behind you!

thanks everybody - I will let you know how it goes ?

Good luck RedBerries (and SophieM).

RB - it sounds like he bullied you into the initial agreement and that he's taken advantage of your nature to do so. Nice!

It sounds like you're not being vindictive or greedy, just looking not to come out of this worse off than when you started, and not feeling resentment years later.

Loving what Pooch said re big hairy bollocks, I am sure they will suit you wonderfully ?

I think the fact that the judge finds it unfair is all you need to know that you need to sort this out. Correct me if I'm wrong but don't you both just need to put your financial affairs down on paper, and the split is then decided based on those facts? You've sold yourself short and that needs to be readdressed. In the short term it might be a battle in terms of legal fees, but in the long term you will be much much better off. Keep your emotions out of it as best you can and go for it. Mwah xxx

You should definitely fight for more RB ?