Do I tell him?

Personally i would say in passing that you are getting married and see what his response is. Do you want to invite your Dad? I know you say he doesnt like your OH, but do you want him there?

I would tell him, but if you really don't want him there then you also have to tell him so that he doesn't assume he will be there.

Not particularly.. I know that may sound heartless but he's a miserable sod who likes nothing better to be negative about anything or anyone... He's never really been a massive role model in my life (being an alcoholic) and he was very self absorbed for all those years. He just winds me up.

I think you are very... what's the word... brave? Strong? Ballsy?! Knowing that you wont invite him. If he's acted like a git all these years (my Dad was a terrible alcoholic and I loved him so much but good grief he was hard work) then dont invite him. Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

I think you know what you want - but even tho' it might be hard, I'd tell him your news. I can't imagine what it would be like to then follow up with 'but we don't think it appropriate that you come to the day' but it might be easier than it seems given your relationship with him. In some ways you having contact and speaking every week might make it harder than if you only had infrequent contact with him, but you know your relationship better than anyone else - and it sounds like you know you don't want him there. But given you do have regular contact I think it would be tough on him to not know at all until after the event. But thats just me...! Its almost an impossible situation to comment on!

You defo have my respect for dealing with this situation in the strong manner you are - I was a mess when I had to tell my family I was getting married, but it was abroad and it would just be the two of us!...

Yes, we do speak every week but its on a Sunday morning for approx 3 minutes and most of that he's whining on about Mum and asking if she has "another" man... my god they have divorced for 40 years!!! Even if she did have another man (which she doesnt) it would have nothing to do with him.

Then he goes on and moans about Rich (he has his own business) and asks whether I am HAVING to pay all the bills which he knows I dont anyway as Richs business is going very well, it just totally grates on me how much negativity can come from one person.

Take yesterday for instance, the ONLY day Rich and I had together for about 2 weeks so we went to a wedding fayre in the morning and had a great time, as soon as we got in the phone rang and it was Dad, he bellowed at me, where have you been I have been ringing all morning to which I replied we have been out and thereafter he was in a total strop and hung up. Just because I wasnt there when HE wanted me to be he went and threw his dummy out.

Oh KBS - thats terrible ... He sounds like a very bitter, unhappy chappy as far as his own life is concerned. What a shame.

Do you want him to know you're getting married - having read your last post I'm now rethinking if he does deserve to know! But what would you gain/lose with either telling him or not? I guess by telling him you remove any 'guilt' or him having anything to throw at you in the future - which might happen if you don't tell him. If you feel you can be very stong and make sure he knows hes not welcome, then I'd still tell him.

But I get why he'd not be welcome. I think you're pretty good even having him call every week if thats how he acts! I think I'd be knocking that on the head and making it once a month or less!

Once a week pales into comparison with how often he phones Mum, every day!!

He's bored, thats all it is... He volunteered at charity shops and I think he's the only person I know to get sacked from them! He is so abusive and incredibly rascist and vocal about it much to everyones embarrassment.

Hi KBS

I have no experience of what you're going through with your dad, but my partner does...and have asked him what he would do.

he's of the same opinion as you and your mum....don't tell your dad. He doesn't sound like he's been a good father figure so why does he have the right to know?

also, if you did tell him beforehand, would he turn up and spoil your day?

I'd be inclined to tell him your news after you get married.....

Jayne

xx

To be honest I think I agree with you when it comes down to telling him after as I know if I do tell him, he will badger Mum mercilessly until she tells him where and when and I dont want to put her in that very awkward position. Its her who has been there for me not him so of course my loyalties will lie with her.

Hmmm - I hadnt thought of that ... that he might turn up or become a problem (more so!) for your Mum .... maybe you're right ... it should be after....

I would suggest you didn't say anything until it's all over. Can understand where you're coming from - OH's father is also an alcoholic and even without that, isn't nice to be around. OH made the decision not to invite him and we're not telling him we're getting married. We're even putting a false trail down, just in case he hears about it from someone else in the family, that the wedding is 1 month later than it is.

Our situation is slightly easier in that we don't speak to OH's father much - he only ever phones when he wants something.