Do you ever stop loving someone?

Hey Kimmysue,

Before my current OH I had a boyfriend. We were together for a year and a half. I still think about him now and again. I loved the time we had together and i'll obviously always remember him, but i know he isnt the person I loved anymore.

If i compare the love i had (or thought i had) with him, to my OH i doesnt compare one bit.

Obviously in your case, its much more than just a BF. He is the father of your children and you were together for so long.

I imagine you will always hold a place in your heart for him, but that as you will no longer be in love with him, that you'll be able to move on.

How are things between you?

It will fade with time, but may never go away completely.

Kimmysue, I was with someone for three years (no children though) and I was madly in love with him. Our life was 'perfect' for the first couple of years but then i realised that he wasn't who i thought he was.
He was mean to me, he made me feel bad about myself, like i was stupid. He didn't consider my feelings or interests when making decisions about us both and didn't seem to care about hurting me over and over. He never hit me but did push me around a few times and made me scared that he would hit me. From what i've read of your posts, you're no stranger to this kind of thing.

For months i felt exactly like you. I hated myself for still loving him but i felt like the more he pushed me away (and started seeing other women) the more i wanted him. The actual break up was bad but it felt like the 2/3 months afterwards were worse. I couldn't get him out of my mind. There were times i felt i was doing well and moving on a bit then suddenly i'd hear from him or be reminded of something and i'd fall back down. I was absolutely convinced that nothing would make me stop loving him (even though i was also furious at him). People kept telling me 'It just takes time' but i couldn't believe that at all. I'd given it time and it wasn't working!

But, actually, they were right. It's over 3 years on and those feeling are just a distant memory (although i recall just how bad they were!). The tough thing for you is that you can't cut him right out of your life because of the children but that doesn't mean you can't get over it, it just means that you have to work harder. Go easy on yourself about wanting him back. It doesn't mean that you want him and his behaviour back but just that you maybe miss the security of having your life the way you were used to it, having him there for you (even when he wasn't) having someone care for you (even when he didn't). Change is scary and your head will be upside down right now.

You were very brave to post the list of reasons you shouldn't go back to him and i think you need to remind yourself of those sometimes. You are worth much much more than how he treated you or how he ever cuold treat you. It won't get better with him, you can't change him. You are strong and you are the role model to two little boys who look up to your every movement. You have to show them how to be independent and be proud and value themselves. You have to do that for you too.

I really really hope everythign works out for you. You're doing so well.

Thanks,

Things with us are ok. We talk most days. Altho have huge rows sometimes. The last being Sunday over the children. TBH he is rather nasty when he isnt getting his own way - which obviously upsets me. Basically regarding children, asked him to have them two days/nights a week, he refused and said no one night (2 nights for him totally doable) because I wouldnt give in a got called a c unt etc then he stormed off like a child. I eventually gave in as cant be asked with rowing so now he is fine with me.

Still confused tho.

Oh well

He is my first love - was with him since i was 14 - so not loving him is gonna be hard!!

Oh yes- you can stop loving someone. Most certainly you can.

Sorry crossed posts, but are you me?

Everything you have written I can totally relate to.

I have had so many good days then come crashing down with a hard bump. Gah.

Thanks for your reply x

It all depends on you i guess.

I was head over heels with my first love, umpten years ago, i only realised i did not really love him when i split with my first husband (yup, i married someone whilst thinking i was in love with someone else, classy) and went out with him for a night, i just liked and lusted him, but actually, it was my memories that i loved, not him.

And, you are not stupid to say you would have him back in a shot, people can change for the better, i know that from first hand experience, and despite very good advice from others, i took my husband back. It has been horrid and difficult at times, but it is now good, and like you, i just could not stop loving him.

I also think it may be harder when the split is not your choice.

It is a cliche i know, but, time really is a great healer.

Blimey, yes. Of course. I can't really remember what I loved about my first husband. That said, I still adore my first love. He was, and is, absolutely lovely, if completely wrong for me.

You can do, but I think it's a lot harder when you have to maintain contact with them. When my ex ended our relationship after 8 years I remember feeling like I didn't ever want to find anyone else and like I would never feel happy again. Luckily I had (and have) great people around me who helped me through it and four years later I'm happily married and never think of him at all.

As I said, I'm not sure how much more difficult it would have been if I had not been able to move on cleanly with no contact once we had sold our house.

As Pieman said, it may never go away but the feeling will fade.

I didn't think I would ever stop loving my ex H, I was so in love with him I would have killed for him. He ruled my thoughts for months & even years after we split up.

I can honestly put my hand on heart and say that I don't love him anymore. I still get teary every now and again, but I don't love him.

You will get over him, I promise you will, one day.

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The questons isn't really 'do you....' but 'can you'? The answer to the latter is definitely 'yes'. A lot of it's up to you though. You're doing bloody well love- try to keep that chin up. You're far too good for him and once you honestly believe that, you'll find it a damn sight easier to stop loving him.

I think you can. I had some pretty intense relationships before I met my H and each time, I could never imagine not loving them, but, all it took was time in the end. I still care for both of them because they shared some big experiences in my life and am still friends with one of them, but I am not in love with them anymore and haven't been for a long time.

I also think you're doing so well. He doesn't deserve you at all, it will also take time for you to believe it, but you will move on and you will be happy again.

Thanks for your replies.

Id like to think im doing well most days.

Well im out tonight, tomorrow night and friday night, so its not all bad. Wouldnt be doing that is I wasnt single ?

In my case, yes. In yours, who knows?

I loved someone entirely, but the fact that towards the end he was abusive and violent helped me heal much quicker. Which sounds weird, but it was easier to stop loving someone who was so cruel.

Obviously your H is also violent and abusive, so I hope, for your and the boys' sakes, that you do get over him and he doesn't worm his way back in to your lives. ?

Kimmysue I'm going through exactly the same as you (spoke to you on BT)

I too would take my H back like a shot, but that is probably becuase it is all so recent. I love him so much and yet I hate him at the same time. Its a fine line as they say....

How are you doing? ?

I have good days and bad days tbh. I've enrolled myself in an evening course at college and got a job 2 days a week so tryig to throw myself into other stuff. Luckily my Mum can have the twins for me while I work

As for him, he is playing head games with me. He phones me telling me that it wont last between him and his new "girlfriend" and that who knows what will happen in the future between us. Its just so unfair, he knows what he's done to me yet hes still hinting that he loves me etc.

He has gone abroad to work today for a week so Ive told him not to contact me. Hopefully it will help me move on if I dont see/speak to him. But right now I'm missing him like crazy as he still pops round to see the boys most evenings....its all so screwed up. But you're not alone matey ?

Angel, that sounds horrid, like he is keeping you on the back burner for second best if the new girlfriend does not work out. Horrid man.

It must be so difficult for you with children as you have to have the contact still.

I have the exact same of my Ex, the who knows what will happen card. I get texts saying good night, love you or that he misses me. Crap hey.

Good for you with the course and your job! You sound stronger then me.

You know I am always here if you want to chat xx

Angel and Kimmysue, it makes me really cross to read that your H's are stringing you along like that. What a pair of cowards, they don't even have the balls to finish with you properly.

You really are better off without them. And yes, love can and does fade, hang in there.

The ex OH and I have been split for just about a year now. i thought the bottom had fallen out of my world the evening I came home and he told me he was leaving. For a long time prior to the split I had begun to realise that I was no longer in love him, but did love/care for him in a completely different way. Even now, I know that I do love him, but that mad passionate love is no more.

I don't beat myself up about it now, just accept it for what it is. The love I now feel for him is really completely entwined with the good memories and we did have some good times. He is still very much in my thoughts but is no longer the first thing I think about every day. Truly, Kimmysue and Angel (I've been following your stories a little bit on here), although it is one hellva cliche, time is a great healer and has been incredibly true in my case.

?'s to you both.

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Kimmysue please email me if you ever want to chat too ?, where abouts are you? x