Do you have a plan B?

No, and maybe I should know better, considering that this is my third marriage. ? However, from bitter experience, when the worst happens all plans etc fall by the wayside and you end up living day to day for several months. I'm not sure you can reliably plan for it.

No as I feel I would be tempting fate by doing it.

I guess it all depends on your history as to how you plan for things - have you been let down before etc?

No, not at all - that said, I don't have children and my finances aren't really that bound up with H's since we don't own property together.

I think there's a difference between a "worst case scenario" plan (in case something terrible happens) and a "plan B", though.

No, I don't, and I'd feel mortified and betrayed if H did. I'd be wondering what he was doing that would require him to have that plan in place.

Nope, can't say I do.

Nor me.

In moments of idle speculation I've wondered whether either of us could buy out the others share of the flat we both love, but nothing approaching a plan.

We have no children and are financially independent so there's nothing really to consider.

No, there's nothing to plan really ? it would be "lose house, argue over children, live on benefits for the rest of my life" in my position, so - meh.

No. I've never considered that our marriage wouldn't work out. If something terrible happened I'd just do whatever felt right - probably move to India initially and practice yoga in Mysore everyday for the rest of my life. But i hadn't thought about it until right this second.

No. I am more determined about remaining married and happy with my H than I am about anything else or anything in my life. Divorce is absolutely not an option for me.

I don't have a detailed plan, but I have certainly thought through what i would do and worked out that splitting up would be viable, in spite of the two businesses/house. I kind of needed to do it to know I wasn't trapped in the relationship. Therefore we're together because we want to be, not because we have to be.

Part of that I think stems from the break up of my first marriage, I have a real need not to feel trapped. (Not that I was trapped in that one, obviously, as I left him, so perhaps I am just odd)

L
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No, it hadn't even occurred to me to be honest.

No, haven't even thought about it. But, we don't have children or own property together and our finances are reasonably separate - we pay for things jointly but from our own salaries iyswim so maybe it's less of an issue at the moment. I do have things planned for and covered in case one of us dies though.

I've never thought about it much. I suppose I'd go to my parents, sell the house as it's in both our names and um then do something else ? Ooo like get a job!

I can completely relate to this. This is my second marriage too, so maybe that's why I have looked into viability (or disaster management, perhaps 'plan B' is a little too flippant). As you know, I am also self employed so the house / business thing is also relevant for me. Being made unexpectedly single with a small child was a huge shock, so maybe preventing something similar is part of my psyche. It's the not feeling trapped thing that is important to me too.

I have mixed feelings as to whether I think it is disloyal. Thinking about it, I don't think I would be hurt to know that H had thought through what he would do if we split up, and we would both assume I'd be the one with full time care for the children. If we assumed he would be the one to have the children full time, I think I would be reassured that he had thought through how he would cope.

Would it be wrong to also say I have considered how I would cope if he died too?

Towards the end of my relationship with Mr R, yes, I did have a plan as I knew sooner or later we would split and I needed to reassure myself that I would be financially ok. Looking back I'm glad I did, as I made the concious decision very early on in the split to walk away to ensure it was as amicable as possible and the added stress of working our finances wasnt something I wanted to entertain at that time.

Any new relationship I wouldn't hesitate to do the same thing again, which probably sounds horrifically cold and calculating but having learnt how bitter these things could and can become I would only be protecting myself.

I don't think it is disloyal. Personally think it is practical to plan for eventualities. Much as I would love to think our marriage is forever, lots of marriages fail, I have a poor track record, and I find it reassuring to have worked things thorugh in my head.
However, I can see that H would probably find it odd or disturbing so I wouldn't explain to him 'hey, I have worked out that if we split up we can do x, y, z and all would be fine' because I think he would think I was genuinely considering whether or not we SHOULD split up.

Likewise, to me figuring out what you'd do if you're other half died is simialrly practical

L
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No. it just hadn't occurred to me. Which i odd, I suppose as I do like to plan for every eventuality.

I even have a Man B ?

Seriously though, I did work out when we bought a house together (which was a year after we married) that I'd be able to afford it on my own if things didn't work out.

My parents lived separately since I was 8 in their little houses, and I kind of just wanted to check I wouldn't be financially reliant on H; that I could pay for the place on my own if I had to. I didn't want to have to stay with him IYSWIM. I can't think of anything worse than being one of those women whose husband pays for stuff and they're trapped as they don't earn a decent wage to support themselves. That sounds awful written down but that would be a nightmare to me.

I haven't gone any further than that though, no actual plans on paper or anything. It's been 5 years now and we seem to be getting on OK ?

I completely understand where you're coming from Clairy, and though I haven't sat down with a spreadsheet I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it relatively carefully. Having had an awful split from my ex fiance there's no way I'd leave myself open to that again. Also my OH earns a lot more than I do so how we split house deposits, car finance etc is always thought about (at least from my point of view) in terms of what would happen if things went wrong.

With my ex, I did feel very trapped and it was dreadful. I am completely, totally happy with my OH and know that we're in it for the long haul, though I don't think I'm being disloyal to him to know that I will always be ok on my own now if I have to be.

I have a fair idea of where I'd be financially if I found myself alone with the children. Having been left up the creek without a paddle when my elder children's father died unexpectedly I do have certain things to safeguard myself. Although the main one is easy access to cash and I've made sure my husband has the same should anything happen to me. Mainly though it's incase anything horrible happens to Gray, but I suppose it'd be the same kinda of plan if we split.

No, not really. Probably move home and back with my mum, I guess. Financially? I haven't the foggiest idea. Apart from my £184 a month DLA and motability car, I really do have nothing.

I actually think everyone should have a plan B and it's nothing at all to do with thinking your marriage will fail or not caring enough about it, it's just practical!

One of the main reasons I have always worked is so that I am never 100% reliant on my H. Even if he was Simon Cowell rich I would always have my own income. I know this stems from my Mom being left totally in the sh!t by my Dad leaving and I would never want to be in that situation. I also know that whilst I adore my husband nothing is ever a guarantee and just as likely as anyone else we could split up.

When my parents split up, my Mum moved out, Dad kept the house (he didn't work) and she had to start off on her own again as a first time buyer, even though she'd paid the mortgage pretty much on her own in the old house. I've always made sure I could sort myself out. So many women seem to end up in the situation that they rely financially on their husband and are then stuffed if anything happens. To me, it's sensible to make sure you could survive on your own.

obviously my plan b is 'go bankrupt, move in with a parent', still, it's a plan, right??

L
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No, although it does go through my mid when we have a really bad argument (which doesn't happen very often tbh).

It's a plan! ?

The other plan is that you, pooch and I meet a Bill, we can be sister wives but in our own houses and only have to sleep in the same bed as him 2 nights a week. Bliss. ?

Can I get him the two nights he doesn't want sex, please?

L
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I don't think this is wrong - that's why people have wills, life insurance etc surely? H and I have both of these so in that sense I suppose we have thought/planned for how we would cope, financially at least. I don't really think about it more than I can help it though, and I haven't given any consideration as to what I'd do if we split up. I guess I would muddle through somehow, given that most people do, but planning for it would feel awful in a way that planning for death somehow doesn't.

I don't have any idea what we'd do if we broke up as i just don't think it's something either of us would ever 'let' happen.

I have thought about what i'd do if he died though which basically involves me renting out our flat and running away to south east asia to live in a beach hut for years until I've calmed down!

Clairy I totally have a plan B. For everything. Job, career, relationship split, death (Mr JK, and the children).... Everything.

No plan B and I slide into depression, terrified of the corner I've painted myself into.

I'm genuinely surprised it's so uncommon. Having a viable alternative makes your choice more of a choice to my mind, and alleviates anxiety.

How on earth could it "tempt fate"?

I am one of those women. Except I don't feel trapped, I feel sort of lucky. And I could always get another job if I needed to, although admittedly, I wouldn't be able to keep this house/mortgage without WTP.

I have no Plan B. Ridiculously, because we are being a right pair of ostriches about who would have our children, we haven't got wills made either.

I have a shifting plan b - there have been times i have carefully thought out the options - i am sure he has too - we have had peaks and troughs - actually working out the plan bs was so horrible and real that i think it is one of the things that has made me realise how much i/we have together (not just in a material way)

however - i do also know that i would and could manage

the plan bs change with circumstances so i have probably got plans c, d and e too ?

i find it really odd that people dont really - but while i got married with all the best intentions i also went into it with the feeling that if it didnt all go tits up at some point i wouldnt be shocked