Does anyone have experience of suicidal thoughts? Sorry to go anon.

PS, I'm sorry if my name isn't appropiate. I feel like a loopster, hence the name but I have tried to change it and it won't let me. I don't want to offend.

Write yourself a note and put it with your tablets. Write something like "Do not take these tablets. Phone for help" Have a list of number of people you can phone so that if the first person doesn't answer you can try the next straightaway. I can PM you my mobile and am more than happy to go on the list.

If you feel any kind of deterioration in your mood speak to someone straightaway.

((((Loopster))))

I cant answer the q but can you give the pills to your OH to dish out so you dont have access to too many. That takes a way the worry that you would do something?

? and don't worry about being anon. I wont out you.

Have you discussed this urge to sleep with your doctor?

The thing that would worry me about this is that's it's an "overwhielming" urge. I would also worry that this urge is likely to overpower the urge to not hurt your family IYSWIM so as such would definitely seek help with this asap.

I have some varying experiences of suicidal thoughts and while most have been from people with no other outward signs of depression to me, they seem to have the thoughts only occasionally when feeling very down and wnating to "give up" suddenly - not so much a prolonged urge to die/sleep if that makes sense. Then again these people are people who I wouldn't believe would actually end up doing anything about it.

Edited to add - I don't think you're a loopster at all. I do think it would be best to get help before the thoughts become worse. I do think it is a good sign that you can recognise these thoughts are not healthy ?

Sorry, I can offer no experience but just wanted to wish you well and to echo what everyone else has said

?

I don't have experience of depression myself, other than my MIL has bipolar disorder, but I work for a clinical psychologist . You mention that you are on medication, but are you taking part in any form of talking therapy? That's where a clinical psychologist could possible help you, especially with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT).

Neffi's suggestion of a note by the tablets is a clever idea. Can you approach your doc to be referred for therapy? it's my understanding that CBT attempts to change negative thoughts into positive actions.

I'm aware of this BBC website that might be worth a look:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/mental_health/about_headroom.shtml

Im not in quite the same place as you, but not far off to be honest. I get the sleep thing too, I slept all day tuesday and am constantly tired and wanting to sleep to run away from the world. For me it gets worse and goes on to suicidal thoughts after a few days of constant sleep. I feel that I can no longer cope with feeling the way I do and that my H would be much better off without me. I think about how I can kill myself. I have tried a few times but H has been there to stop me. The other main thing that stops me is that I can't cause pain to myself. I get pretty manic and will cry and cry for hours. Once a neighbour called the police after hearing me crying as they thought that H had beaten me or something!

If you want to talk please PM me, I wouldnt ever pass on any information to hitched or anyone else.

Do you have a mental health team keyworker type person? Or good GP? I see people weekly if they're so poorly; mental health people often see patients more often.

But for a crisis, there are a few options. Firstly, the Samaritans. 24/7 at the end of a phone or email: 08457 90 90 90, **@**********.***

Secondly, your GP or the out of hours co-operative. Ask to be seen as an emergency.

Thirdly, you can just turn up in A&E.

Fourthly, have a list of people who you can call.

Write this all down, or print it out and keep it on you, and another copy by your bed or by the phone.

The urge is "normal" when depressed. Obviously I don't mean that it's normal normal but it's a symptom of a good-going depression. It's not you, really. It feels like it is but it isn't.

FWIW it was thoughts like these that took me to my doctor initially when I had depression for the first time last year. The only thing stopping me from running away and "doing something stupid" was knowing how devastated my family would be. Even though a part of me, the irrational part, was telling me that I was such a worthless person I'd actually be doing them a favour by getting out of their lives.

Mail me if you want. You can stay anon, I don't mind.

can i just send you a ? please don't apologise to me for posting - i wish my daughter had opened up to people as sympathetic as hitchers before she took the overdose/cut herself cos i honestly think it would have helped her.

i agree with the idea of a note on the tablets or giving them to your H or someone to dish out - but please please please talk to the doctor and stress how you are feeling ? because so many people would miss you if you weren't here iyswim.

thinking of you with a lot of sympathy ?

Thank you everyone. ?

There are some good ideas here, perhaps a note would be a reality check as would letting my OH keep my ADs.

I have a medication review with a psychiatrist in a few days and think my ADs will be changed, my main goal at the moment is to get to that appt and I'm hoping after that, I will feel more in control. In about 4 weeks, I should be starting CBT and anxiety managament, plus probably in depth therapy too. It all seems so far away. I desperately don't want to be admitted to a psychiatric unit and this, along with my fear of leaving my family should hopefully get me through.

I'm sorry some of you are or have been here too, it's not a nice place, is it?

Its not nice, but you will get out of it, even if its only a small improvement it will be better.

I forgot to also add that my H takes all the meds and other things I could use away when Im really bad.

I think it helps a lot to write things down

Thank you so much Rache, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I have a great GP, funnily enough I hadn't even met her before my initial depression appt a few weeks ago but she is fantastic. I am seeing her weekly at the moment, plus I've spoken to her on the phone a few times too. It feels good to be taken seriously and have such a lovely doctor who I know is there for me. I met someone from the mental health team last week, he told me to get in touch any time but when I did call on Monday, he had gone on annual leave. ☹️

I will write that list down, thank you. I'm sorry you were in the place too. I thought about phoning the samaritans a few nights ago but didn't in the end as I felt I would be wasting their time and taking up a line for someone who did actually want to die. Perhaps I will email them if I need to, I hadn't thought about that.

? Swampy.

I wish i knew how to be Anon, but hey i dont but what you have said i can echo, the only thing that stops me doing anything to myself is my children and the fear that my ex will take my son 1 away from his brother and sister and the only life he has only ever known.

how sad is that that it isnt for me, but it is for my babies,

i can only echo what every one else has said,

we are always here to help, and if ever you want to chat feel free to pm me and chat i am a good listener

??

I have personal experience of this, and a few days seems like forever doesn't it?

I used to say to myself, if tomorrow's as bad I'll take an overdose then, and somehow that got me through. However, if it's not helping, then contact your doctor. There may be a crisis team in your area that will visit, if not they should refer you to the emergency psychiatrist who is probably at your local hospital.

I know when I feel really bad I put off contacting anyone because I feel like I'm making a fuss, but really you're not. You're poorly and deserve help.

If you want to talk or want some support, please, please PM me.

Em

? Thank you for being honest and I'm sorry there is another lovely hitcher in this dark place.

The guy I spoke to last week said that family is one of the main preventers for suicide, that the need to protect our family actually protects us too, I guess we just need to be as strong as we can in the meantime, until things start to get better.

Take care x

Sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment.

I notice you've mentioned that you have an appointment with your psychiatrist in a few days. It might be useful to write down exactly how your feeling and give the note to your psychiatrist. I know it can sometimes be difficult to truely open up when sitting opposite someone.

Hopefully a change in medication will make a huge difference to you ?

I've sat in on a number of appointments my Mum has had with her psychiatrist over the years and i've always remembered something the psychiatrist told my mum to think about if she was feeling at her lowest and hearing voices.

She told my mum to try to separate herself from the depression. Depression is the illness, not who my mum is, the thoughts are caused by the depression - not her own thoughts, my mum controls her body, not the depression.

I know my Mum now uses the above as a kind of mantra to help her when she is exceptionally low. I'm no expert whatsoever, so I hope you don't mind me posting this.

I can't imagine what it must be like to feel like this, but from reading your posts i think you are doing very well.

You are talking, you are seeking help and are thinking about others as well as yourself, this is good.

I won't add anymore as Rache and others have already given you very good advice, but take care LA and i hope this passes for you very very soon.

?

You sound strong, though you're very ill. I can't offer any other advice either - just come on here and talk if you feel you need to get things out. No one will judge you, you can say whatever you need to here. ?

I agree that you shoud give the meds to you OH; it just puts up one more barrier to you having a bad moment and going for it.

Your mental health person on holiday must surely have someone covering him/her?

TBH I valued my own life very little when I was on my own. Having a husband and little one have given me huge happiness and meaning. I don't think there's anything wrong with your family being the reason you choose to live.

? to you

Oh love. I have had experience of suicidal thoughts with depression recently. It is extremely frightening and isolating so I am happy to share with you if you think it will help you feel less alone.

When my baby was about 10 weeks old I wanted to throw myself in front of a tube or lie down in the traffic. In one sense I didn't think I would do it, but not because I wasn't feeling absolutely awful but because I couldn't work out a failsafe way of doing it which wouldn't involve leaving my baby on the pavement or platform and I was scared someone would take him before he was found and identified as mine. I ended up wearing him in my sling to stop myself doing it and had panic attacks on the street some days as I couldn't really see how I could get home without walking into the traffic and just lying down. I had similar feelings in that I could see it as the only way of stopping everything and going to sleep.

I then became very obsessed with throwing myself out of windows - this is when H made me go back to the doctors as I realised I couldn't be trusted on my own. Again it wasn't exactly that I wanted to kill or obliterate myself, but that I just wanted everything to stop.

I agree about giving your meds to someone else, and perhaps with contacting your local mental health team/doctor again. I also agree that loving your family and staying alive for them isn't a terrible reason, it is a good start as somewhere inside you a rational part of your brain knows that you are responsible for being part of a loving relationship and family, so it is a roundabout way of knowing somewhere deep insdie you love your self. x

? I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree that it might be helpful to try giving the pills to your H to dish out and see if that helps you for now. I have no direct experience of this but want to add my support for you.

This is a good place and we are all here for you whenever you want to talk. xx

?

Thank you all so much for your replies, I appreciate you all taking the time to reply to me. If you don't mind, I'll reply properly in the morning as I'm so tired and struggling to read everything. I've taken my pills for tonight and haven't had an urge to take to many. I think perhaps writing it all out today helped me a lot and as long as I can get through today hey?

xx

? One day at a time. I think you should be very proud of yourself. I've never been where you are, so I can't advise as to that, but I can empathise completely as to how unutterably bleak things must seem when you're that ill. Keep strong- you are a fine example of a fighter. ?

LA, if you are who I think you might be, and you need anything that you think I can help with, please do say.

Hi again, thank you again for all your replies yesterday. They certainly gave me food for thought. I'm coping today so far, I have a hitcher coming to visit in a couple of hours which will be nice. It's making me have a bath and wash my hair, which can only be a good thing, it's been a few days and I ming. <wry smile>

Today's other task is to compile a list of phone numbers, I have had a few volunteers stem from this thread. I'll also write down the other advice and give my AD's to my OH.

Emmali - a few days really does feel like forever. I definitely empathise with not making a fuss, I don't want fuss, I just want this to go away. I'm sorry you have been here too.

Maxi - I like that mantra, I must write it down.

Ellebee - You poor thing, thank you for sharing. I hope you on the up now. ?

Nick - I'm probably not who you think I am but thank you.

To everyone I haven't mentioned, thank you. ?

? Hello Loopster. Add me to your list - pm me if you haven't got my number. In fact pm me anyway if you want to. xx

Im also happy to go on that list if you ever want to chat,you know where I am and I hope you enjoy your day with a Hitcher today.xx

Only just seen this.

I hope you're feeling a tiny bit better today. Do PM/text/whatever if you feel you can. I have broad shoulders.

?

Haven't got any advice, but did ant to send you some vibes.

I suffer with depression also, my anti depressants don't really make me sleepy though, so haven't ever had the urge to take too many to get some sleep, although I did nearly develop an unhealthy addiction to night nurse due to the fact it knocked me out so well.

If you are worried about your feelings, talk to your GP about them.

Can I just say first of all that you have taken an extremely brave and positive step in acknowledging how you feel, writing it down and opening up to other people. I have taken an overdose and looking back on it now, the scary thing about that period of time was that it seemed like the most logical step to take. Unlike you, I had detached myself from everyone around me so that I didn't have to think about how it would affect them, so I would say please, please, please keep in touch with people, via Hitched, email, texts, whatever - it doesn't matter as long as you keep in touch. Your friends and loved ones will help to keep you grounded until the medical help for your illness starts working and keep speaking/ writing about your thoughts so that you can take this to your psychiatrist too. You will get through this xx

This is only a personal perspective - not medical advice, so if any medical peeps have a different viewpoint, please correct me.