Does True Love Exist?

Is there such thing as perfect love? Well in short 'Yes, definitely'.

Now the hard bit, 'What IS' perfect love?

I think all relationships mellow over the years and the very best ones turn into a feeling of great friendship, the sexual spark thing is a related but different concept, one of lust! Lust is more temporary than love, it's usually strongest at the beginning and then fades over time. Love tends to do the opposite, it starts out mellow then grows stronger as time progresses.

I think love is a feeling of friendship, of respect and of trust. What I think you may feel is missing is excitement, that 'spark' of a new relationship and sexual attractiveness, basically excitement and lust.

Excitement comes from doing new things together and sometimes doing things apart, if a relationship has mellowed it's not a sign there is no love, it's a sign that the relationship has matured. To keep that excitement alive or even regain it you need to work at it and do things together, go out to the pub, a club, bowling, white water rafting...basically play, couples that play together stay together.

Lust tends to come from the other two, but it's also a biological concept. Love is from the heart and mind, lust is basically natures way of ensuring we continue the species. Lust is exciting, but it's just chemical reactions in the brain caused by the physical properties of our partner based on either how fertile their bodies suggest they are in the case of men or how good a provider/protector they are likely to be in the case of women. As we get older we lose these physical signallers, muscle tone slackens, phermones and hormones reduce, cell damage in skin and tissue becomes apparent. That's why generally fit and healthy 18-24 year olds are generally more attractive than overweight or frail 60-70 year olds. A big part is just genetic coding and impulse, plus a little bit of socialisation. What I'm trying to say is Lust is basically transient, and it usually fades with time.

Attractiveness is a bit different, after 12 years a child and pregnant with our second I lust after my wife less than I did, but I find her more attractive than I ever have. She's grown from a pretty (hot!) girl into a beautiful women. At 21 she had abs and impossible muscle tone, at 33 she has stretch marks and the odd feint wrinkle, her skin isn't so vibrant, her hair not so shiny but she's more attractive to me than ever. Each little wrinkle is part of our story together, the laughter lines from the joy we've shared, the little wrinkles around her eyes from the hard times we've supported each other and the stretch marks from the gorgeous little girl she's given me. I respect her, cherish her and think more highly of her more now than I ever have. She is a more attractive person than the inexperienced carefree girl I first met.

What I'm trying to say is if it's lust you want, go have lots of short term relationships, if it's love, find somebody you truly respect that you can build a great friendship with becuase that's what love really IS. The fun and the excitement you have to work at to keep alive but it's worth it.

Lust is just lust. It's short, it's transient and it's basically just a physical reaction.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to this Brian. You talk a lot of sense and i know exactly what you mean. I do know that perhaps what i am missing is excitement. I realise things will mellow with time, but i suppose as we never had lust as such at the beginning - although i have incongruously always found him objectively attractive - i have nothing to compare things to. No memories of that closeness to sustain me. Although I love him very much, we are effectively platonic. I know i need to put more work into things, but at the moment I am so unhappy I try to find excuses to stay out of the house (working long hours etc). I have been trying to encourage more things together but I just can't shake the feeling that there is something else out there for me. More importantly for him too. I don't think he can be very happy with how our relationship is. He deserves a wife who shows him that he loved all of the time.

I am so so pleased that you have found your one though. That gives me hope. I do know that emotions change but it sounds to me that, despite this, you are very secure in your love. I think that is where our situation differs. I'm so unsure. We got together very young so i have nothing to compare my situation to. On the other hand i worry that i will leave, and realise that this is the best that can be hoped for. I would do anything not to hurt him. Oh dear! I just keep going around in circles don't I? Thank you so much again for taking the time to give me your thoughts. You have given me lots to think about. I don't think it is just something physical that i want, i just think, i suppose, that should be part of it somehow. I suppose i am scared of letting go of the dream of true love. A part of me wants to fight for it and take the consequences. The thought of this being all there is, for the rest of my life, is heartbreaking.

You keep saying how wonderful your H is, but you're also unhappy and more like brother and sister. Are you sure he's as wonderful as you say. Does he pay you attention, does he make it clear that he finds you attractive?

Maybe it's way off beam, but a friend of mine thought she had the perfect husband, but couldn't shake off a feeling that there was something wrong. She felt very guilty because he was such a lovely person, good father. Then he came out as gay. That's when she realised what was missing in the marriage - he loved her but never fancied her.

Instead of beating yourself up so much maybe you need to have a closer look at the actual relationship you have; if you are really unhappy you don't owe him the rest of your life.

One thing I do see more and more often is that if something is not working a lot of people seem to think it's easier to give up and start again with somebody new than working hard at the existing relationship.

Once you split it's pretty much final. It kind of makes a lot of sense to give it absolutely everything to try and make things work before you go down that route. The option of splitting is always open to you later if you try that, but the option of making things work isn't if you split.

I'm in no way religeous, to be honest I'm surprised I don't burst into flame everytime I cross the threshold to attend a church wedding but there are two readings I hear a lot at church which I think might really help you here, foget the divine bit if you are not religeous, the message is really very poignent on it's own.

Corinthians 13:4-13

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

To me this is all about how love is an act of giving, it's a subserviant act and one that is it's own reward, it's not about what you can get out of it, but what you can put in.

The second I don't think is relegeous, but I think it's really beautiful and extremely practical. It's almost like a manual.

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In marriage the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

I think this is all important, particulalry the last bit, are YOU doing enough to make this work? Are YOU being exciting and fulfilling for your husband? If he finds you exciting and fun, he'll treat you as exciting and fun, you get out what you put in if you see what I mean.

I think in your position the very very last resort would be to split up. I would even suggest relationship councilling before you split, but it's amazing how you can kick start a relationship just by putting in the same sort of effort you would put into a new one. Go out, make an effort to look nice, go on a 'date'.

Hope htat makes sense and good luck.

That's very interesting. Thank you Tumbleweed. I don't think he is gay, but he is, i think, pretty happy with the relationship as it stands. He is very much swayed by his parents marriage and they are very insular. That is another thing that worries me. They are obviously happy, and it works for them, but they just don't see anyone else and i think find it quite odd that i want to continue to go out with friends etc after marriage. I've tried to encourage my husband to come out too, but he works very hard and would prefer to stay at home over the weekend. Like i say, he is very tolerant and doesn't make me feel guilty that i go out, but i can see our relationship inexorably moving towards their model, and in the future i feel i will be quite isolated. Either that, or we will continue to lead very seperate lives, as we do to some extent now. I do know that he loves me, but he is very traditonal and not at all demonstrative. I don't expect flower or gifts, but a bit of romance would be nice sometimes. I need to put in some very serious thought as to what i think are the priorities in a relationship and see if i can achieve those with him. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It has been so helpful to get this out. ?

Thank you again Brian. Some very thought provoking comments there. I know you are right, and i need to put in a lot of effort too. It's just got to a stage where it is quite difficult to put back together. I don't need to rush things though do I? Just little steps. I do not want to give up on the marriage, and i actually am quite religious so those quotes make a lot of sense. I need to sort out what i see as actually wrong in my relationship and take some steps to make that right. He isn't the sort who would talk about things easily, i have tried but he sort of brushes things off, so i will put things in action, like you say, dates etc, and see if i can capture (as i suppose it was never there to recapture) what i feel is missing. At least then i won't have any regrets, whatever the final decision. Thank you again. It is very much appreciated. ?

I think when love hits you it knocks you for six. We were together for 3 and 1/2 weeks before we decided to get married and recently celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary - by sailing to New York on the Queen Mary 2 and spending 6 nights there. Relationships change, you become more comfortable and used to each other. Things can become repetitive and boring so you both have to work at putting the excitement and fun back in. If he won't go out could you invite friends around for drinks and a bite to eat? Could you buy theatre tickets as a suprise and go for a meal beforehand? How about a drive in the countryside and take a picnic? If he really won't do any of the things you enjoy then you either need to have a long talk with him or put all your concerns on paper, but wait until the following day before you give it to him in case you write anything you want to change.

You sound like a really caring person and I hope you manage to work things out between you

I'm so sorry to read that you're going through this and toying with your feelings and potential decisions.

Reading the first half of your post was as though I'd written it myself - hence the reply.

I met my soon to be ex-husband and thought I had found 'The One' - he was sweet, attractive, romantic, stable - everything previous boyfriends had lacked in one way or another and I thought perfect, this is the man I could see spending the rest of my life with. We were married for 4 years when I realised, over a period of a few months, that I wasn't happy and what was stable had become stale and boring. Communication was strained, our love life was non-existant (I moved into the spare bedroom a year before we officially separated), he was keeping things from me and things just felt wrong.

In a nutshell, we became like brother and sister - every effort I made to put the spark back into our marriage was met with lack of interest and effort on his part. I was gutted. It was very difficult to accept that maybe this wasn't the fairytale I'd hoped for and that I could possibly have to face separation and starting over (scary stuff at 34 years old).

But I did it...........it was bloody hard, the hardest thing I've ever done......but over 2 years on I know I did the right thing. I've grown as a person, have rediscovered the real me and am currently very happy in a relationship with someone who I can talk to about anything, makes me laugh, treats me like a princess and who I could never imagine feeling anything other than love for. I'll be honest, I'm very much a realist and am under no illusions that no-one can predict the future or know what's around the corner but I know right now, I'm happier than I've been in a decade and am loving every minute of it.

I wish you all the luck in the world - I echo what others have said, do try but I also say, don't try and flog a dead horse and respect your dignity. I married for life but unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. It was hard but I've come through the other side happier than I thought I was capable for being.

Take care

x