dont know what to do sorry for anon

OK. I can't possibly know how you're feeling right now. But I have suffered from severe depression in the past so have some ideas of how horrible and serious the way you feel is. The only thing I can say is to try and stop if you're considering doing something stupid.

Have you been to the doctor at all? Have you ever sought professional help? Have you got anyone to talk to? The Samaritans are trained to listen impartially, don't forget that they are there.

Don't apologise, the way you feel is serious and you are most certainly not pathetic. But you do need to take some steps and action, and telling us how you feel here is the first step. Well done.

I saw the doctor four years ago and was given 25 weeks of counselling. but i refused medication. it made me vomit.

I told my friends i am struggling after they sat me down and asked me why i was being so hard to live with. making them feel guilty for going out without me and being nasty to them when they upset me. i felt so ambushed. but i must be such a horrible person to live with.

i dont want to admit everything ive done to the doctor, i think i must have some sort of mental episodes. i've attacked my sister before, as well as mum, and my husband. and when i do i go completely mad, hitting, kicking, punching. i've thrown things and i even ripped up my sisters work. im scared they will lock me away.

im scared you'll all think im a complete nutter

I think you've just taken your first step towards getting better. Talk to the Samaritans or talk to your Doctor. That's what they're there for, they won't judge but just try to help you.

And we're always just here....

I don't think you're a nutter.I think you're brave to say what you've said.

You're articulate and you are able to understand what you've done that isn't good or to be proud of. You're still able to think clearly and I reckon that can be one of the hardest things to deal with because you can beat yourself up because you analyse where you fall short. But don't forget that your sister acted out-of-line to say what she did. Your housemates seem like they didn't quite understand the situation.

Acting out physically is hard because you push people away and (rightly) have to feel guilty and apologetic for what you have done. It's a horrible part of the self-sabotage that depressed people sometimes do - to hurt the people closest to them. How have your husband and mum reacted?

I'm glad you had some talking therapy - did you find it helpful back then?

As for 'admitting' to the doctor. Trust me, they will have heard worse. It might be worth going back to them. It can take a few goes to get the right medicine. It took me three different kinds. The medicine won't cure anything, but it will snatch you back from the darkest places and help you to start making changes so things improve. Keep pushing, keep being determined because you can change the situation but you have to act now before you start to harm relationships or undermine your self worth.

I think depression often happens when what you have to cope with outweighs your ability to cope with it. People out there can help you cope again, but you need to ask them for help. Xx

I know what i do is wrong. and i know some people will think im lying but i cant help what i do. it just explodes out of me. I'm such a horrible horrible nasty person for being this way.

my mum seems to deal with it, but she often says things that snipe at things ive done in the past. When we visited at christmas she warned me she wouldnt have any nasty behaviour from me. which really hurt me. i don't mean to be nasty but it just snaps inside me and i cant help it.

when i attacked my husband he physically restrained me until i stopped hitting him. and then sat wth me till i fell asleep. i'm so evil for what i did to him. he didnt deserve it.

the therapy worked at the time. it left me in a far better place

i suspect you might have worked out who i am fancy free but please don't out me if you can.

You need to make an appointment with your GP. you do. and if you don't feel you can say what you have done and the way you are feeling, you should print this thread out and show him. that way you don't need to say it.

thinking of you x

Honestly don't have a clue who you are, but wouldn't out you even if I did.

Your mum sounds tolerant, but it must be difficult for her too and so try and not blame her for bringing things up. It sounds like you have some really good support from your husband (I also assume he was with you last time you were down?). It sounds like he would be completely supportive of you going to the doctor again. He has really shown that he loves you.

Do you drink, or do anything else to get wound up before you lash out? If so you need to stop doing what winds you up, immediately. Is there anything major going on in your life that's causing a lot of stress (you don't have to say) because that could be making things hard to cope with. If there is, ask other people to help you deal with it.

I think your next step is to tell your husband you're worried about how you feel and then get to the doctor for further advice.

I think you need to go back to the doctor and try some different medication. As fancy free said, it can take a few tries to find one that works with you. It can also take you a few weeks to get used to the medication so stick with it if possible. After two / three weeks, it will get better. I am speaking as someone who has seen people very close to me go through this themselves.

It's important for you to realise that you lashing out is not you but part of the depression. I hope you realise that and hopefully, in time, so will your family and friends. But in order for you to change this you do need to get some outside help from a doctor and maybe a counsellor again as you said that had helped you in the past.

Again, as someone else said, why not print this page out and show it to your H rather than speaking to him? Or email him the link to here. He sounds like he's trying to help you with what you typed about him restraining you and then staying with you whilst you fell asleep so I am positive if you showed him this he would want to do anything he could to help you.

Keep talking to us if you need to. There's always someone here with a sympathetic ear.

Thank you girls. fancy free i didnt mean for it to sound like i was accusing you, sorry if i offended you at all x

i don't drink often (it just sends me to sleep so its pointless waste of money getting drunk) i have never done drugs and i don't smoke. thats why it worries me so much. i've calmed down a bit now and am not as upset.

my husband wasn't with me at the time when it got really bad. i met him when i was about half way through my treatment just so he knows a bit about it. he's never really seen me like this before. its been slowly getting worse since september though and now i've taken it out on him twice. the first time wasn't even anger i don't know what happened. this time i know its no justification but we had been arguing.

i am going to go to the doctors. but i dont know how long it will take me to get an appointment, its sometimes weeks before they will see you. i dont feel justified in asking for an emergency appointment. i feel like i would be wasting peoples time.

i feel like im wasting your guys time at the moment. im sorry

thank you for listening to me.

Sorry I can't offer some better advice, but I just wanted to say, I think it's a huge thing that you recognise this is happening and want to speak to someone.

I also think it does justify an emergency appointment at the Doc's, you can't leave yourself feeling like this and while your recognising what's going on, this is the best time to go and speak to your Doctor, they won't think your wasting their time and neither will we, please please don't think like that.

I have a friend who was suffering with depression really badly last year and I know what she went through and how she felt and the way she acted with other people, especially the ones she was close to, so I can tell you, your not alone in feeling this way and it's nothing to do with you personally, hundreds of people will have gone through it too.

Please call and ask for an emergency app tomorrow and we are here if you need to talk x

Thank you missdeedee. sometimes i feel like i must be the only person in the world who is this irrational and crazy. in fact a lot of the time i feel like im the only person this irrational and crazy. the way people treat me when im like this makes it worse. my friends told me they thought it was unreasonable of me to be upset i couldnt go on a night out with them and then avoided them the next day because i was still upset. my mum has told me i am dramatic and hysterical. i dont know what to think.

I really wish I had a mgic wand I could wave for you, I really do.

My heart really goes out to you.

Depression runs in my family so I know how hard it is.

It sounds like you r husband is very understanding and loves you very much - you have to hold onto that when you are feeling down.

I would definietly agree with going to your doctors - if not for a different medication then they may be offer alternative treatments or support.

I hope things works out for - please keep posting as I'm sure everyone who has replied wuold like to here how you are doing.

Big hug x

Thank you louisianna.

im just really scared about what the doctor will say. shes really lovely and has seen me for loads of other stuff. but im scared she'll just think im mental

Well I'm not a doctor but I don't think you're mental!

I can understand why you feel like that but trust me your doctor will have seen and heard it all - it is their job to help.

I know it's big leap of faith x

NearlyMrsJ, I second that.

Please let us know x

Please go and see your doctor, they wont think you're wasting their time at all. my doctor is an absolute saint, she's seen me at my worst when i broke down in tears in the consulting room and when ive been at my best. unfortunately i have had a relapse and needed to go back on meds after not having to take them for a year but when i went to see her she was really sympathetic and completely non judgmental, praising my efforts that for the past year i had done so well.

good luck

I have just spoken to my husband about what happened this evening. he wasnt here when it happened. i told him i need to see the doctor and he said he doesnt understand why just because i fought with my sister. but i showed him this thread. i think he gets it now.

thank you all for your support. you're so lovely. i dont know what i would have done tonight without being able to write this all down and hear some other peoples perspectives. i still feel like im crazy and horrible and evil for being the way i am. but thank you for helping me see that maybe its not just me.

Really sorry to hear how you are feeling. Im going through depression too at the moment, so sympthathise with how it makes you feel. If you want to message me anytime please do. I also had depression a few years ago, and its reared it ugly head again recently. It can be really tough because not everyone understands it, or knows how best to deal with it. The ladies on hitched have been great & very understanding & a big support to me.

It may be an idea to sit them down and talk to them, but firstly I would recommend seeing your GP, mine has been very supportive. Its not an easy time for us, but it helps having support.

Take care XX