Drowning & loosing our identity in the planning

I'm unsure as to how a dress can change an entire day. It is a beautiful dress, but that is all. Tell your mum how you feel, surely all she wants is for you to be happy. You have a year to change things and sort everything out, so plenty of time. Have the day that you and your OH want, don't let anyone else pressure you into anything, and wear the dress that you love, simple.

Agree with IndieFluff!

The dress doesn't make the day; it's you and your OH becoming husband and wife

My dress is going to be bigger than that and I have 3 bridesmaids and 3 flower girls - sod it all and do what YOU want. Have your wedding up a tree with everyone in Tarzan outfits and you in that dress if you want to!

It's *your* day, not your mum's; maybe you need to have a chat with her about it? She's probably only trying to help and doesn't realise she's making it worse.

Stick to your guns, my dear; don't feel pushed into anything you don't want to do - including giving up your big dress

Hope you get it resolved soon x

I couldn't see the link but regardless of what the dress looks like. The only thing it might change is the bridesmaid dresses as they may not match. And depending on how formal your dad was dressing before I can understand he might want to be in a suit, but morning suits aren't necessary. I don't understand why this means a smaller bridal party or cutting the cake, that's ridiculous. just speak to your mum tell her what plans your set on and tell her that's final. She may think she's just helping and not realise its upsetting you.

Forget what 'should' be done and rock it how ever you want.

If YOU think something needs to be changed then change it, if not, leave as is.

If you want 20 bridesmaids, have 20 bridesmaids. And to be honest I think cutting the cake at the church sounds like a lovely idea.

I've had these problems, mainly from the groomzilla! Coming to a compromise with him though is more important since its OUR wedding. Which brings me to my point, its your and your partners wedding NOT your parents! (either of them) they can make suggestions but thats it!

a piece of advise i read at offbeat bride was 'be willing to start the puzzle over.' That and stand your ground. Heres the article in full! https://offbeatwed.com/if-i-could-start-all-over/

It sounds like your parents weren't overjoyed at your original plans and are using 'the dress' as a tool to get what they want.

Who has been telling you that you can't have this and that - your parents?

Like others have said, I think you need to have a chat with them and explain how YOU feel and what YOU want! I think you need to speak up a bit and not be such a "door mat" sorry if that is harsh but you are letting others dictate things. You mentioned that you are on anti-depressants and as a sufferer of depression myself, I know how important it is to say how you really feel and to voice your upset.

Perhaps show your mum some wedding mags to make her see how different weddings can be now? There is a real trend for being "different" and less informal, and maybe your parents just find this hard to envisage as its not something they've seen done before. So yes, show them pics/websites of the kind of weddings YOU like. It might make them relax a bit when they see how weddings can actually be.

Fabulous dress! OK, so you might not want to have all your bridesmaids in white if you are wearing a big white dress so put them in coloured swing dresses with lots of white petticoats (will go with the tulle on your dress). Then carry on with your lovely, fun wedding as you planned. You and your H2B didn't want formal, so don't have it.

I'm haviong a ceilidh and over 100 guests, so if that's what you want, then just have it.

I agree with Footlong; the dress sounds like an excuse for your Mum to have her idea of a wedding, rather than yours, no matter how well meant, she is ignoring your wishes. Some compromise can definitely be found.

This. If you want it to be your day, you'll need to man up and just do your own thing, I'm afraid. the dress excuse is cr*p; I had a dress and H had a beautiful suit and we had no guests at all. That was what we wanted.

COMPLETELY agree with what everyone here has said - the dress shouldn't change anything. This is your wedding so do it how you want. I do understand how you can get carried along with everyone else's opinions, I think a lot of us have had the same issues over one thing or another. The other night my Mum questioned our favours saying that not everyone might want them, and I pointed out that I bloody hate sugared almonds, which I've been given as a favour at several weddings I've been to, and no one asked me about it when I was a guest! (I appreciate that's a small example compared with yours!)

I really like this blog: http://www.rocknrollbride.com/ It's full of examples of people doing weddings THEIR way. Some are traditional, a lot less so. You might find some inspiration and strength from them

Hi,

Your dress is absolutely beautiful. I agree with everything everyone else has said this is your wedding and it should be how you want it, it's your big day. I totally appreciate the trying to please everyone (*parents*) situation. Originally I was very focussed on having a tea-length dress with everything homemade and informal however as planning has progressed (and my mum and dad have given their opinions!) things have become a bit more formal and traditional. I think the way we're approaching it is to pick our battles and retain the informal elements and handmade parts that mean the most to us.

We're going for a bbq, however guests will still be seated at traditional tables, are you able to do something like that with your hog roast? My dad has been really pushing for a receiving line and as we had our hearts set on a dessert buffet we're incorporating both ideas and are going to cut the cake and then serve it to our guests at the buffet table. I think cutting the cake and having a kind of afternoon tea idea after the ceremony at the church sounds lovely if you're able to accommodate it, its a lovely way to break up the time before going to your reception venue.

With regards to your bridesmaids you should have as many or as few as you wish. The little flower girls can be as formal or as informal as you wish and little fluffy tutu kind of dresses in white with coloured layers would look gorgeous alongside your dress. Like others have said you might not want to go down the white route for your older bridesmaids, although it's quite popular now to have all your bridesmaids in ivory/white (I think that was actually the traditional way of doing things)

My brother and sister in law went down the route of not discussing things with the parents when they were planning their wedding because they got fed up with being pushed in directions they didn't really want to go down. However I think as other people have said having a chat with your parents and giving them an idea of what you want and reaching compromises together has worked really well for us.

Good luck with everything, try not to worry too much I'm sure everything with be wonderful when you get to your special day.

PS We're date twins!

Not being rude but your first wedding ideas sound like you where trying far too hard to be 'different' or 'alt' which usually makes me cringe

the dress is gorgeous btw and of course you can still have all 6 bridesmaids... no idea why that would change ?

your bridesmaids could still wear the dress, personally I wouldn't have bridesmaids in white but I have seen it done before (or you could put your bridesmaids in green therefore keeping the original color theme you liked)

no idea why you would cut the cake at the church... is that even allowed?

if you want 1 reception then just have one... either tell OH to cut down his guest list or try and find something bigger

unfortunately I dont think you can change what other people wear so you may just have to talk to your dad and see if you can compromise

good luck

Yeah, completely agree with these 2! You have what you want and like, not what you think it should be like or what your parents do.

Hi!

Thank you for all your thoughts and advice. I had a good chat with a friend who's in the wedding industry & we've now got a plan of action to face the Rentals now

JJKCB, as far as our wedding ideas go, this is who we are. We're not trying too hard to be different or alternative we just want something fun & low key that is representative of us.

Thanks again,

Sian

Agree with FTLOMB and Panj, sounds like your parents are using the dress as a reason to change your plans.

My dress did not go with the 'feel' of our day at all. It was a huge princess dress for a very informal relaxed wedding and although I panicked about it, it didn't make any difference at all! Your dress does not have to match anything.

I don't see why the dress makes it unsuitable to have 4 bridesmaids and 2 flower girls. That's a bit lost on me. Has your mum given a reason? Guest list numbers are always a pain when it comes to giving places to extended family you probably don't know so well. I would try and keep the structure of the day to what you originally planned. We are having the traditional 2 part wedding because the venue we want has certain clauses in its package prices, and because we can't afford for 120 people to sit down to a 3 course dinner and have the evening do with all the trimmings we've gone for that. You can still have short bridesmaid dresses if you wanted. The fact yours is long doesn't matter I don't think. With regard to grooms wear, does OH want traditional suits? If so then yeah dads etc should be the same. If he doesn't then they shouldn't. My OH wants suit hire (not tails just suits) so all our groomsmen are doing that, even the usher who wanted to turn up in his military gear which is fine if he was the groom perhaps but I'd quite like the guests to know who the ushers are.

The dress needn't change anything else. It's your wedding, have it exactly now you want.

I think that you are going to be a very entertaining new member: you just go from thread to thread saying 'not being rude but...' and then being rude don't you?

OP: I don't think swing dresses or a hog roast are 'trying too hard to be alt' but they are definitely more relaxed than a three course meal so if you want the more relaxed vibe then you are going to have to tough it out with you Mum. Difficult I know. Maybe show her some websites/magazines with this type of wedding in so she doesn't think it's as 'out there' as JJKBC does?

Ive used the phrase twice on 20 or so threads, people getting married in odd colors and rejigging the whole days layout is trying to be 'alt' as its not tradition in anyway - and the use of the phrase shows that its not MEANT rudely same as using LOL... if you jumped to a conclusion that it was meant rudely then either you cant read or are over sensitive and thats your problem

i also said that the dress should change much such as bridesmaids etc... at the end of the day though i dont give a rats what you think of me - people ask for opinions and mine are as valid as yours

p.s. ive seen far, far ruder things posted on here

I think, JJBCK, that it's your use of the word 'trying' that comes off as rude. It makes it sound like OP has some kind of agenda or is try hard, when all she's doing is having the wedding she wants, rather than the wedding that her family, and society, seems to expect her to have.

Your opinons are valid - this is a discussion forum after all - but you might want to re-evaluate your wording in some posts.

That's impressive- you've only been a member for 3 days.

It's a troll. Normally seen on baby forums trolling name threads.

when will they learn just to change thier names? Schoolgirl error.

OP - if your original plans are you, then stick with them. It's not a dress which makes the day, it is the bride and groom.

JJKCB, you're an absolute delight. Come join us on OT.

Sorry but why does a wedding have to keep to tradition? It used to be tradition that women would stay at home, look after the children and not work, should we all still keep to this tradition?

Love a good troll. Come and join in with OT.

This is the second quote from you that I've seen today that starts with I'm not being rude. If you need to say I'm not being rude then you probabily are and its best to keep it to yourself.

People can be as traditional or as different as they want. Its not cringy in any way shape or form. If someone wants a boho or a big princess wedding it doesn't matter as long as they are getting what they want.

Cut the cake at the church if you want, I think its a good way of giving hungry guests something to tide them over without spending a fortune.

As for the outfits, try out some different combinations on the bridesmaids and see what works. Things will begin to pull together.

x

Don't feel like you have to reshape your wedding around a dress, it's a dress! Wear the dress and say boooo to the rest of the things which you don't want. You can wear white and still have your dad and the structure of the day as non-trad

I was chatting with my husband (will I ever get used to that?) tonight after being on my phone with my Mum for half an hour as it was as if my Mum had no memory at all of our conversations and emails during my wedding planning. Several things that she has raved about ever since the wedding, she totally objected in the run up. Do what you want to do as it is the only way to create something personal that will make you happy. It's the positive vibes the 'happy couple' give off that make a wedding. No one will remember that any other suggestion was ever made in the end

BEFORE: She found some floor length satin dresses online and emailed me the link, after I told her I was long at various knee length dresses. I emailed her back with the links for the dresses I liked and she insisted hers were better.

AFTER: "What you did with the bridesmaid dresses, having the different styles in the same colour, when you think about it, that's what you should do with adult bridesmaids. The all looked like individual ladies with their own sense of style but matched so much together."

BEFORE: When she found out how much I paid for the band she said she hoped I knew what I was doing but she thought I'd spent far too much money.

AFTER: The band were excellent, they really made it. They worked so hard

BEFORE: Thought I was insane embroidering all the place settings. AND: When my Aunt and Uncle were too sick to come to the day and my cousin asked to come instead (even though she hadn't even invited us to her evening do) and she couldn't believe how 'unreasonable' I was being when I questioned why.

AFTER: The place settings were so beautiful and personal. I can see why you panicked when [........] wanted to come though.

BEFORE: When I said I wasn't ranking my Bridesmaids she said, very emphatically, I think you should have a Maid of Honour and I think it should be your sister.

AT THE WEDDING: Proudly introduced my best friend to guests as my MoH. A little bit cringy the first time, as best friend said "Am I?" and looked really surprised and I had to say again that I wasn't having a Maid or Matron of Honour

Stick to your guns and people will wonder why everyone doesn't do it your way!

If it helps i was in in a similar position

wanted :- barn wedding, very rustic, small with everything hand made, sage green bridesmaids, soft pink flowers - paper lanterns handing everywhere and like a village fete with hay bales etc.

having :- wedding in an old quirky manor house hotel which is like a modern boutique hotel inside, still small and everything handmade, bridesmaids in emerald green - no paper lanterns as we now have candleabras and its more like a glamourous vintage hollywood affair than the rustic earthy vintage village fete i had in my head to start with

it's very different to what i imagined ....and for a while i wondered if i was losing myself like you have been feeling...

then i realised i was actually very happy with what i was planning. for starters it is a winter wedding and what i initially dreamed was a summer wedding. uk summers are unpredictable and i did not want the stress of worrying if it would be raining or not so we bit the bullet and chose a winter wedding in december and if it's dry it's a bonus. whilst the barn was beautiful, photo opprtunities were very limited. the weather in the uk does not lend itself to hanging paper lanterns from trees like it would if we were in the US or somewhere hot. we are marrying in winter... so pastle green would look washed out in the harsh winter light whereas emerald green looks stunning

I realised that my changes were not me copping out or selling out - or losing myself - it was just not the dream i initally thought of (for many good reasons) and i was still choosing things i liked.

it's ok and normal for things to evolve and for you to change your mind, - change your ideas and change your plans - you're not losing who you are, you're just evolving your plans.

i think its really about keeping the 'feel' for the day that you originally wanted, its not about the clothes or any of that stuff.

my wedding will still have the vintagey feel i wanted from the start - just a more upmarket one!