Falling apart.

I'm so sorry to read this. I'm afraid I don't have any practical advice but I didn't want to read and run. A lot of it does sound linked to the bereavement so it's positive that he has agreed to seek medical advice. Sending lots of hugs your way x

Lots of virtual hugs on their way to you firstly!

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this and yes, a lot of it could be based on bereavement and depression but you're right, you need to protect yourself.

How would he feel about some couples counselling alongside the bereavement counselling? My feeling is that both would be appropriate and may even complement each other to give you both some time to talk things out.

One thing I want to say though. Never feel obligated to lose weight for anyone. If you choose to lose weight for yourself, then that's great but losing it for someone else is not only wrong but will also not work. As you say, he found you pretty when you walked up that aisle and certainly he didn't seem to have any complaints about you during your nine years together!

It sounds to me as if he is trying to hurt your feelings in the hope that he will push you so far away that it will allow him to feel the guilt and anger he already feels. He needs to connect those feelings with the bereavement and not with you. At the moment, that is pushing down on the way he really feels about you so if you can hold it together and stick with him, there will hopefully be a future for both of you x

I'm so sorry to hear that all of this has happened to you. ?

I have lived through many people in my family suffering depression, and even one of my sisters, who at the time picked me as one of the people to blame, despite me living almost 300 miles away and very rarely seeing her at that time. Sometimes the way the mind of someone who is depressed works doesn't make sense, and maybe not even to themselves. They can feel numb and emotionless to other peoples feelings, even those they love the most. They don't mean to be this way. It's a horrible thing to experience both for the sufferer and their loved ones.

It's good that you have been able to write out your worries. This will definitely help you personally, because your OH will not be the right person right now to take these feeling too.

You need to step back and let him organise his thoughts, but you also need to be there for him. Maybe you could give him his space, but if you know of something that used to make him smile, like a particular chocolate? or similar, then you could put it somewhere for him to find with a little note to remind him that you're still there caring for him.

You also need to think of yourself. It might be worth finding a friend or family member you trust for you to speak to face to face. It will be hard to say this out loud at first, but you will feel so much better when you do. ❤️

I really hope this works out for you. x

*hugs*

I agree with AuntieBJ.

My sister-in-law was in a similar situation. She was living with her partner for 7 years before they were engaged. They had a 2 year engagement, and shortly after their honeymoon, their marriage was in trouble and she moved out before their 6 month mark. He couldn't decide if he wanted to be with her and if he wanted kids with her. About two years later, they finally called it a day - and it has taken an incredible toll on her, our family, etc.

My SIL put her life on hold for him for 2 years, and it was incredibly painful to watch and support her through.

My best advice is to get him into counselling, go to counselling yourself, and if possible, try couple counselling. Try to figure out if there is something that can be resolved. If it can then work through it. If it can't then cut your losses and move on.

First of all - have a massive squeeze and cuddle. You've written such a heartfelt post. Well done to you - that must have taken some guts to write.

I agree with Auntie BJ and think it might well be worth getting some counselling for yourself and if possibly couples counselling.

I wonder if you can go away for a few days to get your own head in order? He seems to be lashing out and i, personally, think you should try and protect yourself and give him space.

Obviously he might have a mental health issue but that does not mean you need to just take things lying down and wait for him to get his act together. Look after yourself and speak to those who can provide you with support and love. If he's willing to be supported that's fantastic news, but don't make talking to someone dependent on him.

Oh I am really so sorry to read this.

You've had some great advice from Auntie BJ and Ash, please look after yourself and don't feel pressured to change because of this. It really does sound like he's lashing out, you losing weight isn't going to solve his problems, and it's not going to make you happy feeling pressured into it!

Reach out to family, maybe take a few days away.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs and we're here if you need us xxx

I have nothing more to add to what the lovely, wise ladies above me have said... but I couldn't just R&R.

Hugs to you. Anytime you need to talk, we are here xx

Oh sweetie - I too didn't want to read and run. I can only echo what the lovely ladies up above have said. Lots of hugs and please do look after yourself.

I do think perhaps a little distance might be good fighting could push him further away. Make sure he knows you love him but do protect yourself. xx

I'm so sorry to hear this, many hugs coming your way. From what you've said it sounds like he may be suffering from depression, or at least something related to it or the bereavement. It's so hard to know what to say, there is no quick fix to this unfortunately. I just hope you can get past it together. Try not to beat yourself up, particularly about your weight. A lot of us get a little heavier after the wedding (myself included!) but it's not the end of the world. Truly, if this was the reason he doesn't find you attractive at the moment I'd be telling you to cut your losses! But I'm sure there's more to it than that. Depression is tough on the sufferer, and on their nearest and dearest. I hope he'll seek some help, and I would suggest you do too, so you have coping mechanisms for yourself, and so you can help him.

We're all here for you to vent/cry/laugh and not feel guilty, whatever you need. x

You've had some excellent advice here, and there's not much I can add, but sending you big virtual hugs. We're always here if you need a venting platform. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but counselling, individually and together, would be a wise first step. Much love xx ❤️

I'm rubbish with advice but wanted to offer lots of virtual hugs. I hope you can sort this together.

Please feel free to post as often as you want, there will always be someone here to listen x

Not much to add but you sound like the most wonderful and supportive wife. Some of your husband's actions and words sound incredibly hurtful. There may be a reason behind them (depression, working through bereavement) but you are not the one to blame. Do not for one minute think that if you changed how you looked or how you act the problem will be sorted.

It sounds like your husband needs to work through his issues either with or without the help of a professional. Please don't try and take this on alone. Even if not being alone is just sharing on here. I am so gutted for you. This should be the happiest time of your life but I suppose the problem with reality is we can't pick and chose when these things happen.

Take care of yourself & Internet hugs.

Sending you a hug and you have been given some great advice, us ladies on hitched are here for you Xx

I can't add to what's already been said by aunty BJ et al. So sorry you're struggling. Weirdy internet hug on its way to you.

Hello Throwawayaccount.

I hope opening up on here and writing about your situation has helped. A while back I opened up about some stuff my OH was going through - depression and mental illness - that had a massive impact on me. I found the Otters to be a wonderful support not only in that thread, but ever since. I completely understand why you would use an anonymous account, I considered doing it too, but now I'm glad I didn't becasue the Otters knew who I was and would check in on me from time to time to see how I was going, even if I wasn't posting about my problems. I'm not trying to pressure you, but this is a safe space to be yourself and if you wanted to post under your original name, you might find you get longer term support. Totally up to you and respect your decision, but i just wanted to share my experience on that.

Also, I just wanted to say that grief, depression and mental illness are very selfish illnesses. I was lucky that my H never actively pushed me away or suggested that we break up, but he could be pretty horrible at times. I had to have some very frank conversations with myself about how much of his behaviour was 'him' and how much was his illness and his grief - and then beyond that, even if I could attribute it to illness, still how much I could tolerate to remain healthy and safe myself. I recommend that you do the same. It is very easy to not notice that things are declining and suddenly you don't know how you let things get as far as they did. Have a safety plan (I'm not saying you're in physical danger, a safety plan can be used to ensure you maintain your emotional health in tough times), have someone you can talk to, and if there's noone you trust IRL, use here. Have a safe place to go to if you need space away from him, even if it's just for a couple of hours. I also kept a diary which allowed me space to vent my emotions, but also I was able to look back at the facts and be objective(so not just, 'I feel like it's getting worse' but being able to look back and say, yes the episode on this date was more severe than the episode on that date. I know that those are horrible things to have to think about at any time when you love someone, but they seem amplified when you are wedding planning/recently married and this is supposed to be a happy time.

Sadly the bottom line is that you can't make up his mind for him, you can't tell him what to think or feel, you can't force him to want to be with you. You can't force him to accept he has a problem with his grief or depression and you can't make him get help, although you can suggest all these tihngs gently. It would be up to him to respond. Couples counselling as suggested by the others is a great idea if he is willing, (my H wouldn't have been). I applaud anyone who stands by and supports a partner through this, because it isn't easy, but sadly in the end saving this relationship may not be your choice if he is determined to go down this path. The best tihng you can do is keep yourself safe strong and healthy to be there if and when he is ready for that.

I'm sorry if this all sounds negative I don't mean to be, just trying to be genuine, being good to yourself is the best thing you can do for both of you.

Take care and have lots and lots of otter hugs, they are like magic - believe me, I know!

Everything has been said already just wanted to echo the otters though and say the ladies in this group have been through lots of different horrible circumstances so there's always somebody here to talk and if there not I offer awesome vertual hugs and tissues to keep you going into somebody else comes along with some decent advise.

Hope everything works out in the end for you x

Didn't want to read and run but don't really have any further advice to offer other than what the lovely otters have already said.

Please keep us updated with how things are going, lets us be your shoulder to lean on.

The love and support evident in all of your replies for an internet stranger has just been overwhelming, it made me emotional to say the least. I started the day I wrote that post feeling incredibly loney and isolated because it's something I know he doesn't want shared with family of friends which is the reason I don't want to reveal my usual username in case I have previously posted anything that could identify either of us. I found writing the post extremely cathartic but never expected such a response, in fact, too many to reply to individually.

Collectively you have offered some great advice and I found the insights offered from both the partner and the sufferers' perspectives very helpful. As it currently stands, he has seen his GP and has agreed to arrange counselling. I myself have already spoken to a counsellor and it did provide comfort to hear from them that a lot of the things he has said and done can be attributed to depression. Yesterday he seemed to have a good day but today was a different story entirely. I genuinely have no idea what I am walking into every day when I come home. I took my vows seriously and as a result plan unequivocally to stand by him and support him, I just hope I am not forcing my presence on him. It's certainly going to be a long road.

Thank you all for the internet hugs and for making me feel that little bit less alone xx

Its wonderful to hear that things are moving forward for you, I'm glad he was responsive enough to go and see the Dr, that's a great start. This is what the otters are for, come and see us any time if you need an ear x

I really hope it all works out for you and you can keep moving forwards like this. We'll be thinking of you. ❤️

You will have good days and bad days for quite some time but eventually the good days will start to outweigh the bad. You may never go back to how things were, but you will have a new relationship with each other which may even be stronger as a result.

Hopefully you will be able to talk to your family about this soon because you will need outside support and there is nothing better than good family support but in the meantime, feel free to come here and have a rant, a moan or even a cry.

Plenty of hugs and understanding here xxx

This.

I've been through depression and to be honest for me it can be an ongoing (and sometimes monumental) task to keep seeing the positive even when everything seems bleak. Now I know when I am entering a depressive state of mind because nothing around me seems to feel positive or make sense.

I was in a relationship years ago which looking back I completely sabotaged because I was depressed. I felt like an awful person from the inside out, full of guilt about myself for reasons not really to do with him or our relationship, and carrying round lifelong issues that I needed to resolve. It might be that your OH is feeling worthless and thinking he doesn't deserve you so as someone else suggested he is trying to push you away.

Now I've had a few years of practice, when I feel myself being pulled into a negative state of mind I can do gentle things that make me feel better about myself and more comfortable (these things will be individual to the person and he might need to spend some time thinking about things that make him feel relaxed etc). It is incredibly persuasive and difficult to get out of that mindset once it has set in, and in the early days when I realised I had a problem it was nearing impossible to stop the negative train of thought without the help of my therapist and a few close friends.

I am really glad that he is seeking help and that you are being so wonderful and understanding about it because support and consistency is so important (even when it might seem like he doesn't appreciate it). This is the first step towards a more manageable life for him and I hope he continues with it. It is worth the effort because my way of thinking and life has improved beyond my wildest dreams since I sought help.

Also, I recommend these books to anyone who'll listen. They are incredibly simple but powerful and accurate for sufferers of depression and their families.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/good-to-share/10568933/How-to-deal-with-the-black-dog-of-depression.html

Matthew Johnstone has written several books about it, all fantastic.

Take care x x

Hi, I too wanted to show you support and give virtual hugs even tho I think the best advise has already been posted.so I will just reiterate that number one you have to take care of YOU because you can't help anyone else if you don't look after you.

bereavement and couples counselling are good ideas. I hope he will go and if he does then that's a positive sign.

i hope you're confiding in someone and getting some real support in your non virtual life, if not, please do. The best advise here I can give is ask that people don't take sides. All the harder when you do have yourselves sorted.

as regards your weight we all get a bit bigger over time and more wrinkles and more grey hairs. I don't think this is his real issue and like was said he's lashing out and pushing you awAy. It's surprising how many people Lash out like this so YOU have to take responsibility for wanting them to leave. Make it clear you love him, don't regret it and want things to work but if it needs some time apart to sort things out then you will still be there for him.

take care and I hope you manage to sort out your problems. Look how much support you have here and we don't even know you so think how much support there is for you in your family and friend circle! Take all the love and support you have to help you and your partner through it. You're definately not alone. Xx

Yes to this too! I meant to say - that old cliché about when you're on an aeroplane you put your own oxygen mask on first because looking after you and knowing how much there is to love about you is even more important than recognising what anyone else is going through. That could be what sustains you and gets you through.

Oh God I'm so sorry he is treating you this way. An ex of mine did this, saying that I was too fat for him to love anymore. I've never been so hurt. My honest to god advice is bin him. He doesn't feel anything when you cry? How awful. My Hs Mum and Dad passed away within 4 years of each other and he is horribly depressed but it never made him feel like that towards me. We are stronger than ever.

Sending you big hugs and again I'm so sorry he's been so horrible. Make him move out and decide if YOU want to be with HIM. Don't let him hold all the cards, it isn't his decision alone.

Dump him, just like that? Are you serious? Make someone who is clearly struggling move out of the only place that they probably feel comfortable, and with the one person who is supposed to love and care for them no matter what...how is that going to help?

As much as depression doesn't give anyone the right to act like a c**t, it is a very selfish condition. It makes you say and do things that you would never normally do, usually to the people closest to you. It makes you shut down to the point where you can't feel anything, it makes you neglect the people around you, and the absolute hardest part is when you know exactly what you are doing to the person that you love but you just can't stop it.

To the OP - all you can do is just be there. Be as strong as you can, try not to take it personally when he says hurtful things to you, and make sure that you are looking after yourself as well. My GF is going through a particularly bad depressive episode right now and it is hard work - she says hurtful things, she is argumentative...but no matter how hard it is for me to deal with, it is nothing compared to what she feels every day. She tells me that she thinks every day about running away and leaving because it is too hard to handle, but we just have to take it a day at a time.

The fact that he is talking to you so openly about it and is willing to get help is a massive start, that's usually the hardest part of the battle. He may well feel like he has no idea what he wants, angry, scared, isolated...or sometimes just nothing at all.

As long as you can look after yourself too, then just try and stick with it. Confide in a friend or family member if you can, speak to a counsellor if you need it, and come back to us whenever you need to. Feel free to message me - I've been on both sides if you need any advice.

Hi Throwaway,

Thanks for coming back and letting us know how you are getting on. What you said about one day things being better and not the next really resonated with me, and not knowing what you were coming home to really resonated with me. I can only repeat what so many others have said, and urge you to lòok after yourself. I didn't do it soon enough and became very withdrawn, hyper vigilant and almost ill myself. It sound like you are taking steps in the right direction.

I would also like to repeat what I said in my first post in response to Listers comment - we do not know your Husband the way you do, but please take time to have some honest thought with youself. How much of your husbands behaviour is illness, outside of his control, and how much is just unkindness? Your comment about him feeling nothing when he heard you crying was awful. I know every case is different, but in our case while my H could say some horrible things, and sometimes not even be aware of it (he had episodes of psychosis at times), but he was ALWAYS sorry if he became aware of the impact he had on me......please dont let depression become an excuse for aĺlowing yourself to be treated badly. If your husband is ill of course you should support him, but even ill people have to take some responsibility for their behaviour, and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

It sounds like you are working hard to get things on track, bit so much of this will rely on your H.

Come back here as often as you need or want to, and while I am in no way an expert feel free to contact me directly if you ever want to talk.

Wow aren't you a ray of sunshine. . May I refer you you to the traditional wedding vow for richer for poorer in sickness and in health in good times and bad.

Dear op I respect you for trying your hardest in the bad times to take it back to the good for looking after him in the sickness to get back to the health please look after yourself and take some of your own time for your own mental health you need to look after yourself so your able to look after him

Please pop back if you feel able and give us updates x

So it appears to be the beginning of the end.

I went to see my GP yesterday. I had been making small mistakes at work over the past week or so and there just isn't room for mistakes in my role. I had to ask to be signed off work. My GP asked if I had thought about hurting myself, I lied and said no. Before people start panicking, it's not currently in my thoughts but the other day it briefly entered my mind and I did sit in the car and google painless ways to end it all.

My husband last night went out drinking after work and didn't come home. He saw that I had called him during the night but says he didn't care enough to put me out of worrying by calling to let me know where he was and that he was okay until the morning. He came home today exhausted after work and wanted just to go straight to sleep. I wanted to talk. I can't keep my life on hold like this forever whilst he makes a decision that is out of my hands. People have said to me that I was brave sticking in there but that I should only do so until I reached my personal limit and sadly I think I am there now. He confessed that we should never have gotten married, that for 9 years he has never loved me and that he only told me he loved me the first time because he thought not saying it would upset me. He feels we moved too fast back then and shouldn't have moved in together so soon. He seems to have so many regrets from so long ago. He thinks he missed out on a life of partying and women in his youth, because of me. I tried to explain that decisions he made when younger were made because at that time, it was exactly what he wanted, regardless of how he feels now. His head has been turned by someone at work and it seems to be mutual - I think this is playing a factor in everything. He denies anything having happened between him and her and for the most part I believe him. Although he is being incredibly cagey at the moment and has changed passwords to his phone etc.

With some discussion we managed to formulate a provisional plan. He is going for counselling later this week. He seems to hold a belief that a counsellor can wave a magic wand or that they will tell him what to do, but I'm fairly sure that neither of those are how it works. He says he is going to make a decision after that counselling session but I also said it was okay if he felt he needed more sessions before reaching a conclusion. The plan is either to stay together and work at this (which I find highly unlikely to be what he chooses) or we separate and someone moves out; either going our separate ways permanently or to have some space with a view to potentially rescuing the relationship at a later date (which I also find unlikely that he will choose this option).

I am starting to feel numb about the whole thing and feel that some sort of decision will be better than living my life in limbo with a constant knot in my stomach. I am trying to suppress my anger and not make this harder for either of us than it needs to be. I feel like I am giving up the fight...I can't make him find me attractive, love me or care about me. I am losing my husband and best friend and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. A month ago I was getting married and looking forward to spending the rest of my life with a person who meant the world to me, now I am looking for somewhere to live on my own and considering how and when we will get divorced. I will do whatever will be best for him and if that means me losing everything then so be it. I feel empty and broken hearted to be probably losing everything I have had and made for myself over the last 9 years. My life is crumbling around me and I just don't know what to do.

Oh Sweetheart, your last description sounds like you no longer think his behaviour is linked to grief or depression. If that is the case, then he is being phenominally cruel and the safest thing you can do is remove yourself from this toxic environment, especially if it is having such an impact on your own health that you are looking up ways to end your own life.

Please, please get the support you need now....whether your marriage lasts or doesn't, whether our husband is ill and in need of support or not you need to be strong enough to deal with it. It's great that you went to the doctors, but I hope that you will soon build up enough trust to tell them the truth. My H spent a long time lying to the doctor about the severity of his feelings - the only outcome of that was that he was delayed in getting the appropriate treatment and support.

I know that you said you came here because you are both private people and you didn't want to tell friends or family yet, but is now the time that you open up? There will always be someone on the forum here for you, and you'll have more virtual hugs sent your way that you can handle, but the truth is that nothing compares to having someone right at your side who will support you unconditionally, please find a family member or friend you can trust and let them know what you are going through.

I would also recommend some time apart from your Husband. Based on your last post I would be requesting that he be the one to leave, but if all else fails can you get out and stay with friends or family? even for a night or two to give yourself some space to breathe and think about your next steps.

I am truly truly sorry that this is happening for you, and along with my tuppence worth of advice, I send you as many hugs as you need. Please take care, and let us know how you are doing and if you need anything. You are often in my thoughts.

I told my mum yesterday. I figured that after being signed off work for a week that I just couldn't keep lying to her, despite the fact that in a way I had only done it to protect her. She came and spent yesterday with me until I fell asleep on the sofa. My best friend also knows, she came and spent today with me and plans to do the same tomorrow although she is going away after that and won't be back until after the weekend. I don't feel like telling either of them has helped me, it has only spread the misery. It's weird, I actually wish I was working because then atleast I'd be doing something productive with my time rather than just wishing the days away.

I'm glad they know. I understand what you mean about feeling that all you've done is share the misery, but their response shows me that they are glad they know and are able to support you in some small way. Please take that support and use it, and try not to feel like you are a burden.

As for wanting to feel useful and occupied I completely understand that, but if all you have the strength for is snuggling up under a duvet eating ice cream and watching movies (my comfort mode of choice) then it's ok to do that. If you want to be active are there any non-stressful tasks you could do? A project you've been meaning to get to for a while, a place you've been wanting to visit to get you out of the house, or simply a walk to get some fresh air and exercise.

There aren't any rights or wrongs here, just try to trust your feelings and where possible follow them.