Family feud over giving me away!

Hello stranger.

I can see why your cousin would be upset about it, the same as i can see why you're upset. There are two sides to every story, and i think its only fair that your cousin might be a bit upset about her father giving someone else away first. It is supposed to be special and it may be making her feel like her dad doesn't value her as much, or perhaps that she is second best to you. As for her having turned down the marriage proposals, its not very fair to say it shouldn't matter because she isn't engaged. Thats her choice and not necessarily because she is a 'career woman' like you said. Perhaps she knew that marrying those other two men would not be right for other reason, you never know what goes on behind closed doors between a couple.

Maybe what you need to do it speak to your cousin rather than your uncle, and ask why she doesn't want him to give you away and explain why you do want him to give you away. Its only fair to get both sides of the story instead of making assumptions about why things have happened.

I dont really know what to say to help.. I can see why she mioght be a bit put out but surely she should feel like that all the time if you and your uncle are close? i think she should have known something like this was coming you both being so close?

Maybe if you could try to speak to her? easier said than done I know but I dont think you are being unreasonable asking him at all.

Hope it works out okay

x

Just noticed your ticker and you have over 2.5 years to go. I'm sure things will settle down by then and you dont' need to make the decision now.

You've asked him so he knows you want him to do it. Just leave it until nearer the time - a lot will change in the next couple of years so I wouldn't worry yourself now about it.

Thanks for your replies guys

DWC - I know it may come across that I am being a bit unreasonable for saying that but she has known i was engaged for 2 months and she only choses now to say something. I tried to reassure my uncle because like you say, he is her father but he is also my godfather and uncle and the next in line to give me away as my 'dad' is absent. xx

Karen1980 - You'd have thought she would understand but we have never got along and I think the fact that we are so close is what a lot of the problem is.

I tried suggesting I talk to her but mum said that wouldnt do any good seeing as she ignores all my messages, phone calls and called me whatever it is she has done! xx

Sorry think we cross posted there, yeah he said things might settle down but then again they may not - the reason why im worrying is because its having an effect on the family now - in the present. Ive had to postpone booking the wedding and mum said she doesnt even know if they will let him come to the wedding. I wanted my 2 little cousins to be BM and page boy (her niece and nephew) and OH and me wanted her brother an usher but i dont want the same thing to happen again because 'she wanted them first' ? xx

I have to say I completely agree with what deliciouswitchchild said. There is some good advice there and I can totally understand why your cousin is upset and I think you may need to be a bit more sensitive to her feelings, if approached in the right way I think she may come round to the idea. Just because she doesnt have plans at the moment to marry doesnt mean she doesnt want her dad to walk her down the aisle and to do it for her first, and I really dont thinks its fair to start asking people to make choices between family members, thats not going to help, i think you need to work together so everyone has a nice day planned.

Sorry i think we cross posted there. My uncle said he hoped things would calm down but the reason I am getting worried is because its effecting the family now in the present. Ive had to postpone booking the venue and mum said she doesnt even know if they will allow him to come! I wanted my 2 little cousins to be BM and pageboy (her niece and nephew) and OH and I wanted her brother as an usher but i dont want the same thing to happen 'because she wanted them first.' ? xx

Im not asking him to chose noone is and there is no point talking to her because we dont get on x

Im not being rude so please dont flame me for this but if you dont make the effort to talk to her and sort it you will ruin your special day and force you uncle to decide which one of you he has to upset nearer the time.

My OH parents barely speak to OH and a year can go past with out them talking to us and I see how much hurt this causes for OH and his brother and sister, its a horrible situation to be in and I wouldnt want it to get to that for you. But as GB says, you have got plenty of time so maybe try talking to her after christmas when she has had a chance to calm down.

I really hope you get it sorted out. x

Thank you i appreciate all your help and advice, Im sorry if i seem to be snappy i dont mean to be its just its really upset me but someone else's view (whos not biased to me or the family) has really helped so thankyou all ? XX

Exactly WGBS.

There's no point keep labouring the point if it's causing upset so leave it now and bring it up again nearer the point.

And if you want to book your venue then go ahead and book it.

I didn't say you were being unreasonable. I 100% agree with moya, that if you don't make the first move to talk to your cousin then IMHO you will only ruin things for yourself by allowing the situation to continue.

I don't think its unreasonable to want your uncle to walk you down the aisle. But i do think you could think about your cousin's feelings more. I hate to say it but you run the risk of becoming a complete bridezilla if you carry on with that attitude.

How am i meant to speak to her when

*she doesnt answer my calls

*doesnt answer my texts

*wont talk to me on fb (general chat)

*doesnt come round

*is determind she isnt coming at christmas

I want to talk to her and find out why she has such a big major issue (i understand she is upset but to not talk to her dad for 2 weeks is going a bit far!!!) but my mum said there is no way that will happen or will help!

That feels a little unfair considering I havent done anything wrong in my opinion and even my uncle and his friends said he didnt see why it had caused a problem. She hasnt even said congratulations about me being engaged, instead has just found the first thing she can have a go about, Im not being funny but we have never got on so no amount of talking will resolve this situation and considering I was worried in the first place suggests i DID take her feelings into consideration but at the same time as I am trying to be understanding of how she is feeling as i have said and have told my uncle, she needs to try and understand what its like not having a father.

Ok then. So don't try to contact her again its Your life. You don't have to listen to what i say.

I will say this though. Perhaps she wishes you had asked her first.

I am listening to what you say but it is difficult to try and talk to her when she wont answer any form of communication I attempt so im stuck.

Then you'll just have to do what your mum asks and leave it all alone. Your mum is probably wanting a nice peaceful christmas. Go ahead and book the venue if you want to, but don't bring up anyone giving you away. Its a long way away and it can be left till later.

Sorry to jump in at last minute but I think... being one of 3 girls I know my dads going to walk 3 girls down the aisle, personally would feel miffed if he walked someone else down too. If my dad wasnt around I would (hands down) ask my mum. However, as you said its something you wanted i can see that you are upset but how important is it really in the grand scheme of things if it will upset so many people, and as others said, you got ages yet.

Sounds like an awkward situation, and I can see both sides.

I think your mum is right, that you should let things lie for a while and let everyone calm down. If she refuses to talk to you then there isn't a lot you can do right now, unless you do something like send her a card/letter/flowers apologising for upsetting her (you have plenty of time afterwards to talk properly, but right now what she probably wants is an apology).

But at the end of the day it's a sensitive situation, you knew that she might get upset, and some battles just aren't worth fighting even if you believe you're right.

Have you been round to speak to her? have you written a letter to her? it sounds like you don't want to do either as you know you should have spoken to her first so that it didn't come second or third hand from someone else. if my cousin had done that to me, i would have been hurt, whether i was married/engaged/rejected two marriage proposals as i was a career woman.

did you tell your mum you were going to ask your uncle to give you away? what was her advice? do you not think she was possibly hurt by you not asking for her advice, or for even asking HER to give you away (like a number of people suggested on your previous thread)? do you not think that's maybe why she's not agreeing with you? you've said that she has offered to give you away - there's your evidence that she might have wanted to do it herself. your uncle might be your uncle and godfather etc, but your mum is your mum.

i know you are saying that you have a difficult relationship with your cousin, but you are using that as an excuse. you've also been given some good advice on this thread but you are being incredibly defensive and ignoring it. sorry, but i think DWC is right about you possibly turning bridezilla about this, especially given that your wedding is over two and a half years away. she's not being unfair.

So beautifully put Bluewater, are you going for bluntest award ?

?

I think dwc's first post is very rational - it might help you understand why your cousin feels the way she does. I also understand your frustration and upset.

I'd book the venue - you know you'll be getting married anyway, and as geordiebarbie said, things will settle down in two years.

re the Uncle, the most important thing is that he's there, and that a family feud doesn't develop in the interim. You also don't want him to feel torn between you and his daughter.

As others have said, it's best to make contact with the cousin. If she won't talk to you, write her a letter. You need to tread very carefully here. Say the last thing you want to do is upset her, explain why you'd love her uncle to give you away, but say ultimately you respect her decision, whatever it turns out to be. I think you're much more likely to get a positive outcome than if you try and force her into it.

And if she decides no - well unfortunately, you're going to have to lump it, and hope that in the next 2.8 years she changes her mind - after all, she might end up getting married before you, and therefore not mind!

WBWs.

You've got ages yet, it seems there are a lot of people in your family getting very worked up over this, I'd let it die down before making any decisions.

Also not sure I get the reason behind delaying the booking of the venue... or I may be missing something?

I did ask my mums advice and she said she thought it would be a lovely idea - also i asked my mum and she said she didnt want to besides she is takinfg loads on at the moment.

Thankyou for your suggestion of a letter and maybe some flowers, but may I ask what it is ive got to apologise for?? I was simply asking a family member to be part of my day - i dont understand how i am being seen as the bad guy here?

as I have said in my reply on here the only reason i am worrying is because it is HER who has made this into a big mammoth row over two and a half years away NOT me

I think the point people are trying to make is that you've clearly upset her, and you didn't ask her first - okay, he's a family member, but he's her dad and if she's an only daughter she could have had a reasonable expectation that he'd be walking her down the aisle alone.

Anyway...to go for that bluntest award, it doesn't seem like you're reading/care about people's advice - it seems like you just wanted to post so everyone could tell you how awful your cousin is and cosset you. I think people have given you some good advice, and sending a letter and/or flowers would be the best way forward. However, as Miss dwc said it's your life and your choice.

The fact you didnt speak to her first about it. Like previously said, try slipping into her shoes. I would be miffed if my dad came home and someone had asked him to give her away and not mentioned it to me, it woul dhave been polite to say 'would you mind'. Also sounds like you mum would love to do it (who wouldnt) but is making up excuses 'got a lot on' etc.

precisely. she might have a lot on now, but she might not in two and a half years time.

I do care and as I have said previously, thankyou all for your suggestions and comments. I wanted to post on here and get peoples opinions of who didnt know me and werent biased towards myself or my cousin but it feels as though people on here are automatically assuming ive done wrong. I have said previously, I have tried to step into her shoes and have told my uncle that i understand how it would upset her but Im just unsure if a letter and flowers would do any good when we havent spoken for a year? I would have asked her and i thought about it but again I didnt know how to approach it. I do get very sensitive and defensive that is one of my flaws again I am sorry. I am grateful for all your advice, it is really good advice but i just feel now that I dont have the right to have him or something. I am adopted which has always made me feel out of the family and i guess this is making me feel worse and couldnt see the rational side of things. I love my cousin and wish we could get on and work things out but i dont think we will be able to and my mum was adamant nothing would work. Do you really think the flowers ect would work? Any further suggestions on when to write the letter and what to put?

☹️ I guess i was blinded by my own upset

Lots of good advice given Emj85; I think the letter is a good idea - but not apologising. Just explaining to your cousin why you have asked your uncle to walk you down the aisle same as you have explained to us. Doesn't have to be anything flashy, just something inside a Christmas card. Then at least you have managed to explain yourself and you can leave it until nearer the time.

Just one question though...

How does your mum having a lot on at the moment mean she can't walk you down the aisle in two and a half years time? She needs to get down there herself to get to her seat surely?! ?

I think your just being silly now. LEAVE IT for a while and there is no point writing a letter until YOU can see what needs to be said, theres no point us telling you.

Sorry i think ive misinterpreted everyone here, I mean she has a lot on at the moment yeah cuz my grandma died a year ago boxing day but up to and on my wedding day she is making the cake, my dress, BM's dresses, invitations and when i asked her she said she wouldnt want to and would be busy playing hostess but it makes sense and i will take your advice xx

I wasnt being silly i dont mean dictate every word im not stupid! I just wanted to acknowledge your advice and ask any further suggestions, how is that silly?

So far im a bridezilla and silly - i may be sensitive but i think that is a little ott.