Faux letter amnesty

Dear Chicken

That's only because you're too much of a wuss to come at me when I'm at full strength.

Yours fancifully

Jason P Fulford IV

Dear CherryGarcia

Sorry, it looks like I was singling you out but I absolutely was not. Hope all is OK with your friend.

Yours not wanting to offend

Iris

Dear my dog,

What is it? Is there a *** in heat? Do you want to leave home? Please stop running off everytime the front door opens. Nobody needs to see my wobbly, penguin-pyjama clad body running around the streets looking for you! If it persists, I may have to remove your legs.

x

Dear Living room,

You may think it's hilarious to slough your contents everytime my back is turned - I don't. Please control yourself.

x

Dear Self,

Put. The. Biscuits. Away.

x

Dear BGB

When you're waiting for the whistle at the start of the birmingham half, look out for me - I'm going to kick your arse.

Chicken x

Dear Chicken

I have no fear.

In loving memoriam,

Philip S Fleiglemeister

Dear Iris,

No offence taken, started scribbling as soon as I saw the thread, by the time I finished there were 2 pages of jokey posts, felt like a numpty.

Love,

Cherry Garcia

Dear knee/leg

Please stop hurting.

Thanks in advance

KJB

Dear Lee Beloved

Let's all raise a glass to The Baron who housed Chicken's badger babies in his arse.

Dear Doughnut,

What do you have against Corsa drivers? My shed on wheels can do a whole 35mph in a 50 zone which is a more than adequate speed to overtake. All you other cars are mean kleeky bullies who won't let us play in the fast lane. Corsa drivers hate being stuck behind Reliant Robins too you know.

AnonCorsaDriver

PS Good call on the Ford Kas

Dearest OH,

I currently think you are a prick of the highest order.

Love BR

Dear MIL,

You're son gets it from you. Please keep your long blackhead covered nose and it's mole complete with hairs out of my business.

Much appreciated.

Dear dog

I am sorry for laughing about the lampshade on your head and you getting stuck on corners. I am also sorry for laughing at your flourescent green bandage and matching collar, but you do look like a raver.

Please don't pee in my shoes to get me back for the laughing.

Dear baybehs,

Stop battering each other.

It's unnecesary and, frankly, I'm getting sick of the funny looks when people notice you're all scratched.

Also, please grow some more hair. Mr A is getting very annoyed with the number of people calling you "chaps" and I want to get you some of those cute clips that look like cupcakes.

Young master A, I've already explained what Tampax are. Stop asking me.

Your loving mother.

Dear Housing Market

Do buck your ideas up please - there is a lovely house for sale down here on the South Coast, and we need a buyer for it.

Thank you

Emelia W-S

Dear La P

What is a rainbow kiss?

Yours naively

EY

Dear Back (mine),

Why are you hurting? I don't understand it. Please stop forthwith.

Yours,

Me.

Dear La P

Google is no longer my friend ?

Yours (with vomit in mouth)

EY

dear BB

doesn't he say 'brad' in the film? hence the confusion over who in the name of arse brett is?

yours, kieren community

Dear New-Girl-at-Work,
The jokes about your lipstick prints after you left were pretty funny. Leaving a cold mug of coffee on the desk, covered in lipstick for two days in a row is pretty grim. Please don't do it tomorrow.

Dear Mr O,
Yes, I know it'll never happen (for all sorts of reasons), but you're funny, clever and good looking - and I'd drag you to bed at the drop of a hat. (Would settle for snogging your face off).

Dear lp

yuck. i wish i hadn't

and your daughter needs a chastity belt ?

your friend, kieren

ps, see you on msn

Dear Mario,

Please don't call your apron Homo Erectus. Especially not with faux-deadpan tone.

Yours,

[belm]

Dear body,

please find your get up and go and get it back to me. I need more energy and gumption to do stuff instead of faffing, watching tv and playing on the laptop....

Yours

Ashke

Dear mr community

i'm a little perturbed that you know what both a rainbow kiss and a fluffer is

yours, your wife

Dear NHS,

Please find me a job near Reading (preferably near Bracknell or Farnborough if we're being specific) that I can work 9-5 three days a week and pay me at least 30k pa. I would appreciate this very much and it would make a difficult decision much easier.

Yours,

Troubled of Helensburgh.

Dear LP,

?

That is all

Voldie

Dear Keef,

Sign in then, there's a dear

Voldie

dear ashke

i discovered tonight i'm a left handed archer. i didn't know anyone else who'd be the slightest bit interested so i thought i'd tell you.

yours, kieren

Dear cats,

Black cat, will you please NOT bring in a froggie tonight. As much as we love seeing you in the morning, we don't like the jumping from unknown places. Please also stop pawing them and leaving streaks of frog mucus all over the floor. Two nights out of three is already enough thanks.

Stripy cat, can you stop staring at me evilly please. I know you could eat and eat and eat, but you have had ENOUGH food for today. Now that you are a normal weight we don't want you turning into a turbo cat again.

Your owners.... (although the lady who likes you at the cattery may be your new owner soon if you dont watch out!!!!)

Dear KtC

I had to check my geekdoom, but it is indeed Brett.

BB

Dear La P

Why did I google? ?

BB

Dear ankle,

i'm sorry i hit you against that railing in Zara. Believe me when I say I feel your pain. But please get yourself together as you have Heels to address tomorrow.

thanks

Dear work,

why do i still love you when you hurt me like this? you say you want us to stay together, that our future's bright, but you don't pull your weight and i'm tired of your empty promises. tomorrow i'm going to meet another job. and another on monday. and though it hurts me more than you can know to go behind your back, sometimes i won't be there with you because i have to go out and make myself a new life with another job. we've been through some hard times together but you're dragging me down with you, and i can't let that happen.

being strong in the face of the end of our relationship, moomoo

Dear Husband,

I'm very impressed with your total buffness with all your hard work on wii fit, but i can't bring myself to admit to you that when it says your weight has gone up i feel happy. i think you are looking great and i look worse and worse. i could eat less and do more exercise but i need heavy food to stop all the worry-noise in my head. i don't even enjoy sweet food most of the time. you would get cross if i said it but i'm always afraid you'll meet someone well organised and reasonable with crazy hair and they will be better than me and still have the crazy hair you like so you'll realise and run off.

observing your yoga with admiration, moomoo xxx

Dear BB

you're incorrect

yours, kieren

Dear Computer

I know you have the processing power of a bontempi keyboard, but please don't fall over

luv KJX

Dear KtC

? I stand corrected! I was going off the character name here - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110912/quotes

Dear BB

when i googled the line it brought up loads of debates about brad and brett. but he definately says brad. unless i've gone deaf ?

yours, kieren