FBIL house guest annoyance!

Ok I think rather than having a casual agreement you need to sit down and agree what he is going to pay for and what you are going to do for him. Clearly 'just chipping in' isn't working and he probably doesn't know what is expected of him. Even if it's just things like, we'll get the electric this week, would you mind getting it next week? And things like, normally me and OH split the washing up between us but would you mind doing it on Tuesday and Wednesdays. I don't think there is any reason for you to be doing his washing, let him do it. Also, if he is still paying for his old house or maintenance or trying to save up a deposit for somewhere else he might not have much spare cash. I can't believe if he is out at work all day he is actually costing you much more than usual. One more dinner wouldn't make a great deal of difference.

The tea thing you need to let go, all sounds a bit petty if I'm honest. If your child wants a cup of tea then you or your OH should make it in my opinion. Why didn't you get shirty with your OH for not doing it?

Again, with his daughter being there I think it's just common sense to ask if she wants something to eat, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich without asking my H if he wanted one too, if that makes sense?

I realise I sound like I'm making excuses for him but think of it from his side, his relationship has broken down after an abusive end, he's had to move in with his brother and family, he's got his child to think about. It sounds tough for him. Also please do not underestimate how difficult it is to live in someone else's home on top of all of the other things. I've done it and it's horrible!

Final one, please don't make him feel guilty about you buying his child a present for her birthday, it's not her fault or his fault that it's fallen at this time.

Don't her me wrong I don't intend to make h feel buying his daughter a gift is the reason we have no money, I just want to point out to him with us paying for him to be fed and whatever it's left us skint.

he starts work at 5 and is done by 12 most days, so he is home quite a bit to eat.

He has nothing to pay at his old flat because it wasn't his. It was hers. She's kindly said for him not to pay child maintenance until he's on his feet.

from the age of 14-16 I lives withy nan so I know how hard it can be being in someone else's home, and trust me she didn't mKe it easy.

All in all he's cost us around £20 in a week, I'm having to put more Leccy on then normal a his air bed ( the really deep ones) needs refilling every night and his phones constantly on charge. When I don't have the money toe it's lot. Wouldn't even mind a fiver.

we did go through a list of things he can pay towards but clearly that's not happening.

And the tea thing, it wasn't only my daughter who wanted tea , I should of put this on the OP they had both mentioned wantin a brew before hand.

I would of made his daughter breakfast anyway but as she wa going out to her man and grandads I wasn't sure if they were stopping of out for something to eat. But it upset me little he wasn't going to make her or aske to get her something.

I think it is stressful on everyone in this house.

Forgot to add I don't moan at my OH for not making a brew because he'd also been busy all day in the house so wasn't like he'd done nothing whereas FBIL got his daughter dressed dropped her off went to get 'his' food then sat around on the sofas doing nothing.

I agree with holey. If you want help from him you need to specify what you want him to help with & step it up from a casual arrangement. The whole sounds quite pretty. If you want tea you make it regardless of who your putting up. If you don't want to make tea for everyone don't offer.

I can see what your both saying and yes it is quite petty but to me it's causing myself and OH stress.

At All OH's siblings and mums place if your there and your asked to stick the kettle on you just so it because their all so used to helping eachother out. And the simple fact is been running round after him he could of at least done a simple thing like that.

Was just on the phone to FMIL and even she says he needs to act his age and help out as it's us doing him a favour. ( a favour I really am happy to do as long as things change)

I don't see how much more we can go into detail about who does what who pays for what as we went through it with FMIL and FFIL the Sunday before he moved in and it was all agreed in detail. But it's a Verbal agreement, so maybe he's listened to what he wanted to

Yes the tea thing might be seen as a small insignificance but that's the sort of thing that would get my goat too. I understand when people haven't a penny to rub together but it's a bit of gratitude a hearty thanks or just telling you to take the weight off and he will cook that type of thing that doesn't need to cost necessarily bit it shows gratitude and that he's noticing how much you and your other half are putting yourselves out at a time when I'm sure you don't want ur child there..All the time! Do see it from his point of view though In a way as well

I think this sounds like a good idea as he seems quite oblivious at the moment, l guess he is still adjusting to the big changes in his life. He does seem to be quite blinkered about you doing him a favour and what he should be doing. I like my personal space so l appreciate it must be tricky for you.

I don't think the tea thing sounds petty at all. From the sounds of it he's getting you to weight on him hand and foot, cooking his meals and washing his clothes and he can't even be bothered to make your daughter a cup of tea! I live with my mother in law so I know how difficult it can be living in someone else's house but I wouldn't dream of making her do everything for me. I think you need to all sit down and make it clear what you expect of him.

What Holey said! Sit him down and explain what you expect him to do around the house and what you expect him to pay and when.

It sounds like you are different people and do things differently. Maybe he and his ex never made tea for each other and he thinks it's a bit much?

Set out your expectations and also ask him what his are.

On another note there is really no need for you to wash an adult guest's clothes. I think it's a bit odd to be honest...He is perfectly capable of doing that himself and might think you're patronising him by doing it for him.