Fecking hating myself right now!

? Poor you you're not an idiot and I think that people who really don't care what other people think are few and far between.

Do you have a friend who could do something else with you on Staurday? Something new and fun?

don't spend time hating yourself - poor you, you're entitled to suffer.

i heard a radio programme once about different ways of coping with depression, which i listened to as i do have bad bouts now and then. i know this isn't the same but i liked the sound of one suggestion

they said stop feeling like you should be cheery and happy. settle in to be miserable for a bit, wallow in comfort. get yourself a film you like. i recommend V for Vendetta as an excellent film and not overly romantic. get something nice to eat and a cover and settle in to be miserable in comfort. i wouldn't spend time opening old wounds or criticising yourself for things you've said or done already, just acknowledge that now is the time to be sad, and you're allowed to do it.

i liked that idea, but it could be because of the haagen dazs i could see in my head...

With regards to friends, not really. They are all mega loved up at the mo, and dont wanna listen to whining old me.

I just totally convinced myself that it was meant to be, with me getting that specific day off, this comedian touring etc.

From now im really desperately gonna try the backing off approach and not contact him, but then in my head, im only doing that to try the "treat him mean keep him keen" thing.

Arrrgh, i wanna be with him so much. He seems to be spreading his wings and enjoying himself, and im sat here feeling sorry for myself.

I really really regret letting my good friendships go to waste, as i need friends so much now

You sound so down. You need to look at it as giving yourself some time to mend. Dont' focus onwhat he might or might not be doing - you need to focus solely on yourself.

Give your friends a whirl too, they may be loved up - but they are still your friends. Don't think of yourself as whingey either - think of it as a fun day out, just to be yourself.

If that really isn't going to happen, is there anything else you'd like to do? Could you go to a spa for a day? Take a good book, get a massage and really pamper yourself?

The backing off approach is a good one imo. Even if you're 'only' doing it to get his attention. The more you pretend you're ok the quicker you will be in my experience.

Stop beating yourself up - there's not many people that wouldn't find this difficult - and do talk to your mates. That's what they're there for. Even loved up people need buddies.

The focusing on myself thing, i should really do.

Ive joined weightwatchers, i wanna feel good about myself. Ive been having pampering nights in front of tv.

I just feel im forgotten about. It all what the ex wants. He doesnt want me anymore. He wants a break from speaking to me. He doesnt want to come out to a gig, cos he doesnt think it'll be a good idea. Its all about him, what about what I want or need? After 8 fecking years, can he not at least consider my feelings and not be so fucking selfish? He thinks it'll be better for me this way.

Well i know what best for me! Its not to be ignored, its to have my feeling considered. I know he doesnt love me anymore, but he could at least try to help me move on. Make me feel that although he doesnt love me enough to want to be with me, that he has my best interests at heart.

Grr sorry

Mate, mate, mate you are being so hard on yourself - you are allowed to feel all the ways that you are at the moment, what's more you're allowed to want things back the way they were and to make moves to make that happen. In fact you're allowed to feel/do/have whatever it takes to make you feel better right now.

It's grief. And it's so, so normal.

Believe me when I say I have been where you are - you're talking to the girl who sat through a comedy club night on her anniversary with her husband who had told her three hours previously that he had cheated on her.. in the pub where they had celebrated their engagement. I kept thinking "Well this is dreadful but we're here together so who knows... it could be ok". I look back at that and I want to that girl on the sofa in the eye and say "Erm totally not good enough for you - go out and get someone better!"

I know it's easier said than done and we've not had the same experience, but I am speaking from a place of having healed somewhat (it's not all ok, not even after 18 months but it's so much better and I know in time it will be even better than it was, I truly believe that).

I can totally see why it seemed like a sign - there were big green flags waving and saying "This can't be coincidence!" I understand, I really do.

I totally agree with the good advice on here and particularly with Loof who said you need to find a mate to go out with on the weekend and shake your hair a bit. I know what you said about mates but you know what, I bet you have some, I bet they're good mates (no matter about being loved up, there are times when your friends need you and they WILL be there for you - it's not moaning mate, it's needing them to step up and give you the support they need, you'd want them to feel they could do the same to you, so ask for help if you need it). Not only that, but there are loads more friends to be made out there too - some of my best friends now are ones that I made after I had broken up with my ex (they know who they are!!!) Always onwards and upwards my lovely.

I know sometimes it's good to wallow, but I've never really got the handle of those times too well, my sister has bi-polar so I'm a bit worried about heading down the path of destruction myself. Do you know what I do when I'm upset, other than talk to my mates? I put on LOADS of red lipstick, and some nice and cheesy music (Love to Hate You by Erasure ROCKS!) and sing my little heart out to my reflection. Even if you boo-hoo half way through, just carry on... smudged mascara just makes you look more 80's you know my gorgeous girl! It's so cathartic I swear!

And look, you really and truly will get over this, I promise you will be happy again - you may be cursing my name right now and why should you trust me huh?! But I know it and in time you'll know it too - but only by going through it.

I'm sitting here on my ex's birthday - no tears, no regrets, no bad feeling whatsoever (except stop facebooking me you twat!) In fact I am seeing my lovely, lovely boyfriend tomorrow, who despite my past relationship wobbles has stuck with me so far and if I actually let myself believe this for five minutes... we're actually going from strength to strength.

Thinking of you, I truly know how hard this is - before my ex I was in an eight year relationship that I ended through his workaholism. PM me anytime. ??

I think if he did go out with you on Saturday you'd still think there was a chance. A lack of contact might be a good thing. It may make him miss you but, if it doesn't, you've started to move on anyway. That can only be a good thing, right?

You need to start focussing on you - don't rely on someone else to do it. What is the one thing you've always wanted to do? Learn to surf/play tennis/visit a certain city/whatever. Start planning how you're going to do that.

Oh petal, I know it feels like that - but I don't think seeing him and going to the gig would help you, I honestly think it would just make you feel worse. I think it would hurt terribly if you had a good night and got your hopes up again and then the next day he wasn't there again and it was back to no contact.

I know it's rotten and must be so painful, but some distance will be good for you and help you start recovering.

i'd like to add my vote to the 'put on loads of makeup, really loud music and boogie in the bathroom' pile

thank you

Thanks SLD.

In a way, he wish he had cheated or something, cos then there would be a reason, but as such there isnt.

Only a lame "my hearts not in it anymore" and "i feel smothered, i want space".

We had been getting on fine, went out for a nice walk night before. Talked about a potential holiday in the future. Why? Why would he talk about things in the future if he had no plans of being there?

He seems to want to spread his wings and live the young life a bit, but he could do that with me.

I have so many whys? And he has no answers for them.

I dont want things to get messy between us, so for now I will tie my hands behind my back if thats whats needed to stop me contacting him.

This must be so terribly hard for you. I am sure though that if you can stick to your guns, focus on yourself and put some distance there - this will be the worst that you feel. Things will get better, as Chook said, the worst that can happen is that you start getting your feet back on the ground ?

Funny you say that sweetie as there is a similarity believe it or not - there was no apparent reason for the cheating. We were happy as Larry, were renovating our home, had just got back from a great holiday and nothing was lacking.

And then he did what he did.

When I questioned why - he said that things were 'too perfect' and that his previous girlfriend had controlled him so much that in comparison to me he felt that something was going to go wrong because it was too good - great reason huh?!

He'd also bought a motorbike and jetski recently and I honestly think looking back on it now that he was having a mid-life crisis (he turned 30 three months previously). The way I look at it now (given at the time I was totally lost as I hadn't actually done anything to bring the situation about - as you're feeling now I suspect) is that he reached a personal point in his life when he decided that was what he had to do. Now since then he has dated two different girls and cheated on the first and... I suspect the second too. If he's not careful he'll be doing it until he's 40 and a 40-year old philander is much less attractive than a 30-year old one... the dew definitely goes off the rose.

I felt the same as you - firstly why did it happen as nothing had changed and secondly I was incredulous at the disrespect he showed me afterwards. It was almost as if I wasn't allowed to be upset - he didn't help me at all with my feelings or the confusion. I thought the least he owed me was that - his reasoning, whether he really thought it was right or was just being cowardly I don't know - was that if he was kind to me it would make things worse for me.

The upshot is - I can now see his behaviour as the actions of a small, selfish man and I truly am best rid of him. If I hadn't gone through that crap I wouldn't have met some fabulous friends, I wouldn't have my lovely flat (fought tooth and nail for it!) and I wouldn't have met the gorgeous sailor boy, who despite my residual insecurity is already ten times better than my ex. He's not perfect of course, but neither am I! But he is a million miles away from how things were at the end of my marriage - not only that but should things head down that path ever again I will have the strength and conviction to end things when I want on my own terms. This breakup will give you power my lovely, even if the only power you have at the moment is to sing your heart out - better to use those lungs for warbling than wailing.

Much love. ?

Hi Loopy,

fromthe other side of the fence here, just a little insight into maybe why it looked like he was trying prior to telling you he wanted to split?

Maybe because he was trying to make it right for him. I did this. Before i left him i told him i wanted to start afresh, we went on a weekend break, i encouraged him to do a lot of overtime to pay for our holiday, then i left him and never went on that holiday.

It was not malicious, i just think i was trying to salvage something.

I am not condoning this behaviour, i think i was very selfish and it sucks ass to read about someone else bearing the brunt of this kind of behaviour.

Backing off is good, as others have said, and believe me i know how hard it is not to text when something reminds you of times together, or when you remember a little in joke, etc. But, backing off does give the other person time to take stock of what it is they want, and ultimately you should get closure.

What i did when i wanted to talk to my husband ( i left but then wanted to go home, i am complicated ? was talk to my mates. I have some very very good and patient mates some of whom are here on this thread, and they listened, and listened, and listened...... and kept me going. Try your mates, and if they are not giving you time, come back and talk to us.

?

hey there, don't be so hard on yourself. You've had a total shock and i would have done exactly the same thing in your shoes. Infact did when my fiance dumped me just before our wedding.

It's his loss not yours and he is probably trying to do the right thing by not going on saturday.

Take your time and you will be ok. There is a new exciting future out there. It's not the one you thought but it will be better xx

Only just seen this but hope you are feeling better this morning ?

I think the advice about taking a step back is good... either your absence will make him realise what he's missing, or it won't, but if you keep pushing him and then he decides he doesn't want to come back, you will only feel like you have done something wrong. Let him know you're there if he wants to talk and then leave him to it. Get back in touch with your mates, I'm sure they won't begrudge you a girly night out to feel better... or alternatively wine and karaoke at home might be just the trick! Whatever it takes to get you feeling better.

xxx

Thanks everyone.

Im seriously gonna try the backing off thing, and not pester him with messages.

He wants to be friends, he says it all feels too raw just now, but when it feels a bit better he'd like to be good friends.

Dont know if that'll work, but gotta give it a try. I'll wait for him to text me next