Feeling a bit miffed!

Aww, I can totally see why you would be miffed. It's nice of your mums friend to try to be helpful, but if that goes against your wishes maybe you need to put your foot down quick. Your top table sounds lovely as its all your closest family members, I see no reason to worry too much about this. Have you spoken to your mum about how you feel about the idea?

I feel for you,

My younger brother is Autistic, non verbal and is mentally 18 months old.

We decided, because I was not having the "normal" top table because of my divorced parents that we would invite his carers and they would sit with my family on the family table (my top table is going to be close friends/bridal party but family will have their own tables) and this has worked out quite well because my mother is in no fit state to chase him around if he gets distressed.

It's always good to have backup. As you know autism can be very random.

Good luck and no matter what you decide it will work out

No, I didn't really say anything when she mentioned it. It was afterwards that I thought about it and went "hang on a minute..." I think Mum's friend may have made her feel guilty for always giving my brother more attention than me. But of course growing up with it I completely understand, and so I don't mind at all. I'd much rather have my brother sat on the top table and my parents have to focus on him, than have him sat on a different table with his respite carers but my parents focussing on me. I think Mum's "friend" is basing her opinion on her own experience with her own son (he has Autism and Cerebral Palsy), but he is a lot more unpredictable than my brother. My brother is able to sit at a table for an hour or so and eat his dinner. If he did start to get uneasy then I always have a couple of back-up plans to keep him occupied.

I think I'll speak to my Mum tomorrow, and explain that I want my brother to be involved during the day, and that we can cope with having him with us on the top table. Hopefully she'll tell her "friend" where to stick her opinions! I've never liked her anyway!

sounds like a plan! And you know your brother far better than your mums friend, so, like you say, she should have realised you'd have back up plans should you need them. Perhaps your mums friend might need to consider how you would feel if your brother wasn't a central part of your day! Surely then she'd realise that would be far worse!

I can understand you being miffed, but your mum's friend is probably only trying to be helpful, and your mum is probably only trying to do what she thinks is the right thing by you. Just be honest and tell her what you want.

Couldn't you invite your brother's respite family but still have your brother at the top table and involve him in your day just as you plan anyway?

Not so that your brother can be "palmed off " on someone else, but so that your mum will have peace of mind that there is someone there your brother is comfortable with so she can focus on you when she wants to and enjoy your day with you.

I'm not assuming anything about your brother's behaviour, but it would be a shame for your mum to miss parts of your wedding day if your brother has difficulty coping on the day and her attention understandably would then need to be centred on him when there is another possibility. Maybe this is why your mum wants the respite family there?

I'm sure when you discuss it with your mum everything will be fine x

WSS. Also, as another poster wrote, I'd imagine your mum's friend is just trying to be helpful She probably doesn't understand the dynamic you have with your brother, and might assume that you, yourself, are disappointed at having to make "compromises" on your day. Of course, I completely understand that you don't see this as a compromise at all; and it's completely understandable that you'd want your brother involved as much as possible. However, I'd also consider what 2b_MrsB has written about how your mum might want to enjoy this moment on your behalf herself.

Agreed. I would suggest your Mum thinks it a good idea , not so she can palm your brother off at all but more so she can focus on you all day. Maybe if you told her you wanted your brother to be involved as it was in the first place, she'll understand exactly what you mean. And tell busybodying Mum's friend the exact same thing but don't hold back!!

WSS.

I actually agree with your mum's friend on this one.

You're their daughter and they'll want to spend all day focusing on you which they might not be able to do, if they're looking after your brother. It doesn't mean he'll be any less a part of your day, but means your parents get to relax and enjoy the day a bit more.

It's not the same, but my great aunt, who I am very close to (as my nan, her sister, passed away when I was 7) has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She has good days and bad days, but as my nan won't be there, I want my aunt to be able come and see me marry. I have already decided to invite her carer from the care home she is in so that my mum or other members of my family have to look after her.

I think you should respect what your mum really wants to do as she'll only get to see her daughter marry once and if she is happy for the respite family to be there on the day, then you should be too.

I can see where your mums friends suggestion comes from and how you may of agreed with them. The fact you don't you should just tell your mum you have decided against.

My sister tried to guilt my Mum that she should be with us the morning of the wedding, though we had discussed it and them being closer to the venue makes it easier for my dad who has problems with his legs and would mean that he can last longer at the actual wedding. I had to reassure my mum I was fine with this.

Maybe consider the respite family even if they are at another table in the meal, could be someone to help if your brother/parents need it - but as already said you know your brother so decide what is best and ignore everyone else.