Feeling down about guest list...

I get the feeling – I had a moment when I was worried about our guest list and how popular/ unpopular we are. All I can say is 65 guests isn’t a small number, we are only having about 40 in the day and few more at night. It shouldn’t be about the number of guests but the quality of guests so to speak. If you really thought about it I am sure you could invite loads more people, but are they people you really want at your wedding. Only have the people you care about there, especially in the day, it isn’t a popularity contest. We haven’t even invited any of my extended family to the wedding, I don’t really speak with them so I don’t see the point. Just close friends and family – it will make your day even more special and intimate J

I am sure plenty of people feel the same as you, as I know I have, but I think it’s totally normal, not many people have hoards of friends most only have a couple of very close friends and lots of acquaintances

x

I can empathise with this, as I'm in a similar situation. I had good friends at school and Uni, all of whom have moved away or stayed where I went to Uni whilst I moved home. When we do catch up, it's like we've never been apart and we have a great time! I don't really make friends at work; this is going to sound really bitchy, but they're all 'girly-girls' and gossipy women, who I have ABSOLUTELY nothing in common with. We get on fine in the office, but I'd rather keep to myself and the idea of meeting them socially to talk about their sex lives, illnesses and TOWIE leaves me absolutely COLD...! ?

But I know exactly what you mean. I'm impressed you've managed to get 65 guests; we struggled to make 50!! ? I had a similar situation with the hen do too- I invited 16 people originally but, after a host of excuses, it looks like it'll just be the 8 of us (including me, my mum and two sisters) and, do you know what? That's fine. My mum and my sisters are my best friends anyway!

You know what? Don't feel bad! It's quality, not quantity. It's best to have two or three 'proper' friends (even if you don't see them as often as you'd like) than a host of fairweather friends who pay you lip service, but you don't really have much in common with, and you have to work really hard to get on with them. You're right, it's too much hard work for very little reward!

Some people see weddings as an excuse to go 'Wa-hey! Look how POPULAR I am! Look how many FRIENDS I have!" I personally find that a little bit sad and insecure. As long as you and OH are good together, why do you need anyone else? You don't have to surround yourself with other people to be happy. Also, if you have loads of friends, it's easy to get caught up in their cr*p and drama when all you want is a quiet life!

In your situation I'd be tempted to scale back the guest list even further, to those friends / family you really do feel 'deserve' to be there, and spend the money you save by having lower numbers on showing them just how much it means to you that they are there. Don't invite people on an obligation; they won't appreciate it and you'll spend the day trying to keep them happy and worrying about playing hostess, rather than relaxing and enjoying yourself.

Can you invite any of your friends who have moved away? Are you still in touch?

If you're really unhappy about the situation, why don't you and your OH elope?! In all seriousness....why not? We were considering doing this (well, a registry office in the am with a couple of witnesses off the street, then hopping on a cruise ship) until my mum told me she'd kill me if we did!! ?

The guest list is a very sensitive part of the planning process.

But the other poster is entirely right, quality is much better than quantity.

I know that I only want your nearest and dearest with us when we say our vows. We are having 50, and 44, are family and then our closest friends and their children are the other 6. these friends are also our childrens God Parents, so pretty much count as family. x

I have two thoughts about this.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad about your wedding guest list but, as above, it really is about having who you want there, not filling the room with people just to feel or prove popular. One friend who makes a proper effort is worth far more than several who cancel/don't bother with you. When is your RSVP date - not everyone replies immediately (I know I don't) so perhaps you're being a little pessimistic about predicted declines?

The second thought is separate to the wedding. It seems that you feel a bit lonely. Moving away from friends is hard, especially when it feels like it's you doing all the running (although I would say that if all the friends are still in the same place, it IS logistically easier for you to go there than they all come to you?). Online friendships can grow, but they are unlikely to be a substitute for real-life, smiling, happy people to share a bottle of wine with! Are there people at work you would like to be more friendly with? Are there any local activities that you could go to and meet people?

I have found that through making an invite list for evening do they are all my OHs friends.

There is no one that I know exclusively that I can invite. Shows how unpopular I am I suppose.

But didn't have many friends at school/high school was picked on more than anything So I know how you feel hun x

Hi there,

I can also relate but with a small difference: the fact I am from Brazil and most of my guests would have to fly from there makes the wedding pretty much an affair for all OH's friends. I am pretty pleased with it, they are wonderful and have "adopted" me as their own, but still, the numbers we've got are mostly HIS friends and family. I have a few, but only if they fly from abroad, and honestly I can see most of them making excuses not to come.

I have also played with the idea of inviting more of my friends from here I hardly speak with, people who never check with me if I am still alive and who the initiative to meet up has always to come from me. At the end, I realized they are not that fussed with me, why should I spend money and effort being fussed with them? It all came down to the ££ I'd have to spend if they were part of the guestlist. We decided to go for close friends only, as we would make sure they would be people who really love us, and would never spoil the party or make unfriendly comments afterwards.

But I do understand what you mean, and don't worry is, only human nature. Hopefully you will get friends who actually love you and are happy to still be part of your life and you will appreciate that on the day. By the way, like people also said here, 65 is a good number!

And just to close and reinforce, I agree with

x

Thank you all so much for responding... you've all been so kind

I know I'm probably just being stupid. Thing is 65 sounds a lot, but the way things are going we only have 29 confirmed, and I'm concerned what with OH's family having arguments etc, not many more will come

Long story short... we were meant to get married last August, but I got ill. There was a split up involved, but thankfully things got sorted and we're much stronger and happier than ever. I would hate to elope especially after the amount of money we have shelled out.

I know its about quality not quantity, but it makes me sad we don't have any friends

FTLOMB - I am probably jumping the gun. Invites went out 2nd week of January, and RSVP is 1st June - so probably still early days i know

I do feel a bit lonely, but TBH my illness does takes its toll on me, and I do prefer to be home snuggled with OH in front of TV than going out. I do miss having a few girlfriends though. I've made a really good friend at work, who I've invited to evening do, with her husband, but they live some distance away so i doubt theyll come

With moving away... we got upset that we'd drive half hour each way to a pub we drank in with said friends (TBH it was mainly one other couple - so just 4 of us), and yet we'd invite them over to stay the night, dinner/breakfast on us, and they never wanted too... yet they get annoyed that we don't want to come pub every week. I feel sad because I really enjoy their company, but we feel we do all the running

Suppose its my sister that is making me feel this way... she had a big wedding, lots of friends, two hen parties etc, and always tells me I need friends etc - Just makes me feel rubbish.. and that I'm a horrible person

First thing to do is not get upset.

Think of it this way, would you rather 100 people come, 50% eat their food and go, 50% you don't know, or have a wedding with just you, your H2B and that's it? Because I know which i'd rather pick!

I too barely have any friends through lost contact, immaturity at younger ages and the fact I work with my mum and my cousin and that's it! It's a small business. I work all week, when I get home I flop on the sofa with my beloved dogs and chill out. The only friends I have is when I attend an event called the bulldog walk, it's a group of us bulldog lovers getting together and admiring our dogs - sad but true.

However, with our wedding our day is at 73 and our night 150+ but my partners family is HUGE. We couldn't invite them all to the day so we've invited some to the night, not to mention his golf friends and all of his work friends that "have to be there." In total i've invited 4 families as my "friends" to any of it and i'm happy that way because these are the people who I love.

A wedding is a make or break time I think, you suddenly realises who genuinely cares and people who put on a show for you. I'd rather have 2 people there who are GENUINELY happy for us than 100 who are there for the free food!!

Chin up, it'll all be ok on the day! Unfortunatelyy it's not something you can change. You can change your dress, shoes, venue etc. but you can't make people attend the wedding, what will be will be. Don't get down about it put a big fat smile back on your face and say IF THEY CARE THEY'LL COME, IF THEY DON'T STUFF THEM! They're not worth your time, effort and tears. That's something i've learned in the past month! xxxx

Ok, I see what you mean!

I believe you are now getting pre-occupied with things you dont't know how they are going to turn out. You know, amongst other things, I've learnt in counselling to accept things I don't have control over and manage the worrying about things which haven't been finished/closed yet.

So why you don't wait until June to know the RSVPs? Or you can always ask people if they plan to come or not if you see/speak to them before hand. That will help calm down the paranoia of "being sure" they won't come.

If they actually don't come, you can start working towards accepting you can't change that fact, really.

You should never think you are a horrible person because you don't have as much friends as your sister. Is your sister making you feel like that, or is it something you are imposing on yourself?

x

I'm quite pleasantly surprised (dare I say it) to find that so many of us are in the same boat! I'm not at all down or concerned about the small numbers of friends we have coming, as we have only invited those we truly care about and know that it's mutual. We have nothing to prove, and friends who may have expected to have been invited haven't been- if they haven't been part of our lives during the planning process then we are not important enough to eachother to warrant invitations.

We are pushing 40, did all our partying pretty young and are very happy being all 'pipes and slippers'. Of 80 or so guests, we have roughly a 50/50 split.... Half are my family, step siblings, cousins, offspring etc and just 3 sets of personal friends. The other half is my OHs parents, sisters and kids, his work colleagues and a few sets of friends. He didn't want to invite family he doesn't stay in touch with much, likewise I didn't want anyone other than my two dearest friends and their families, plus a vgf who will be my MUA.

A wedding is a declaration of love, so anyone who doesn't mean that much to you doesn't really need to be there. I've extra pals coming to the evening do, but I tell my girlies I love them and quite frankly I don't need fly by nights... And nor do you

Definitely quality not quantity every time. Just enjoy those who are dear to you....

Xxx

Lil_July - You have most of that spot on... My illness makes me very paranoid, emotional, sensitive and needy - I guess its just rearing up a lot over the smaller things in life. I have a counsellor too... I think I may bring this up with her, and see what she says

I think you're right, and I should just wait until June... be more patient, and hope things work out.

As for my sister. She is a lot older than me, and acts like shes my mother, and that everything she does is the right way/only way (She annoys me a lot of the time) - suppose I just don't want her looking down on my day. Its different to hers in many ways... we're having a hog roast for sit down, pimms for welcome drinks, bouncy castle for evening etc... hers was very formal, and regimented... it was a lovely day, but Its not me, and I know she'll start picking faults with mine.

As for friends... she just says that I don't make the effort, and that I rely on OH too much, and that I need to "get a life" - well I do... I work till late, I don't like going out drinking and getting drunk like she does (I can't because of meds etc)... I enjoy watching films/going to restaurant with OH... a quiet life I suppose

Thank you everyone though for all your kind words/advice... I know I shouldn't worry about... I know I'm just being silly. Thank you again xx

You're not being silly- stop negating yourself Mrs!! Xx

... Just a point about the hen-

Organise a little get together yourself, something you actually WANT to do with people you want to share it with. No concerns about who to invite or who will be left organising something you really might not enjoy. I'll be sorting mine- sis, eldest daughter and 3 or 4 friends. Meal, jazz bar, end of. My night how I want it- no feather boas, no phallic lollipops, no strippers or fishbowl cocktails. Just chat, food, nibbles and a few g&ts. Cushty!!

Thank you hun... My mum suggested last year (before things went belly up) that a few of us... Mainly the women in my family as we're quite close... Would have a but of a do at my aunts pub. She said the women in the village would like to join, so she'd shut the pub and it be a women only party. Tbh I'm happy with this... I know we'd all have a great time and get drunk. I have a couple of friends who may come, but I don't think I'll be too fussed if they didn't... I know we'll have a good time regardless

*Hen do may as well be forgotten about :-( *

So you can scrap that comment then.... Sounds like a great idea for your hen!! :0D xx

As long as your hubby is there, that's all that counts!

We are having roughly 65-70 guests during the day and about 90 in the evening but the majority of the guests are family. It worried me at first as I thought our venue would look empty but actually 65 people is a lot!

You will have an amazing day x

Yeah, would defo go for that idea, when can you have a pub closed just for YOUR hen's do! ?

And if you already have counselling, make sure to bring these thoughts to your shrink! That's what they get paid for, and no one can give better advise than them when it comes to tricks our minds play on us, and sisters who don't know their places

Good luck hon,

x

I was worried about this, especially as some other weddings I've been to seem to have consisted of loads of friends and a smaller amount of family. It turns out our day guests will be mainly family with some friends with some more friends at night but not loads. Like someone else said it is more important to have people who really care about you. I think a wedding can bring out insecurities that you didn't even know you had, I'm worrying about things I hadn't even thought of before! On the day you won't be worrying about this, you'll be thinking how wonderful your husband is! x

You are having more people at your ceremony than we are at the whole thing!!

30 guests including 1 teen, 6 kids and a baby for the day stuff and then around 50 at the evening reception. I had my son when I was 21 (he's 2 this week) And NONE of my friends had children or were even thinking about children at that time so alot of them disappeared although we still live in the same area.

Personally I cannot justify paying £10 a head for acquaintances at an evening buffet who don't make the effort to say a quick hello or anything online and, if they were invited, probably wouldn't be polite enough to even buy us a card let alone a gift!

Our wedding is guna be all about the children. It'll make our day and make the small numbers easily managable! - Can't wait!

Invite us Hitchers. We do love a good wedding...

Thank you everyone... I feel a bit bad now, like I'm moaning over nothing... I know I am!!

I know our wedding will be amazing... I finally get to marry the love of my life... That's more important to me than anything xx

This thread is what I needed! I feel exactly the same way and I hate how it is/was effecting my feelings towards the wedding.

Our wedding is going to be held in the UK (we are in long distance relationship) and aside from my brother/sister in law, nephews and my mom, I dont think I have anyone else from my side. In total we are looking at about 80-90 (only IF everyone comes) and I was so disappointed because I want to party that night (well dance and have fun I mean) and I wasnt sure that it was enough people. Im so happy others have felt the same, and also for the advice of other Hitchers.

My "best friend" is hurting me so much right now, and with no other friends able to make the long flight, I was begining to feel like I was going to be alone on my wedding day if that makes sense. I have to remember my HTB is marrying me for me, not for my friends

Awwww mandunc14 :0( by the sounds of it you have great numbers for partying- if you were in a club would it even matter if you partied with total randomers? Usually not, so just because they are not 'your' friends and family won't matter on the day- I'm sure a great time will be had by all! And anyway, by that point they WILL be your family ;0) I understand it must be really difficult for you but try to remain positive and you're right- your OH is marrying you and only you.... If it were just the two of you on the day it wouldn't make it any less special, so enjoy the fact that you will have company, and your guests will simply be happy to celebrate with you.

As for your best friend? I don't know what's been going on, but it can't hurt to tell her how you feel.

Sending hugs xx