Feeling like its not my wedding......**UPDATED**

Poor you. I have the opposite, a distinct lack of interest from our families, particularly OH's family - if we didnt invite them im sure they wouldnt notice! Anyway, that was off the point, sorry.

It sounds like OH sister is just icing on cake, and put you on a downer. You should deal with the situation when your calm yet focused. It seems though there is no easy way to tell this woman, its YOUR wedding not hers, but I think it will have to be spelt it out in big letters, and keep putting your foot down. Im sure OH sister wont steal your thunder at all, and wouldnt want too, and imgine she will arrive before the wedding so they can all catch up. xx

Thanks Charlied, no he wont know she is home until the wedding service which will set him off before I even get there. I know I shouldnt know about but my mum knows how much I am stressing over the numbers now. I dont want odd tables and so far I have 60 and this will give me an odd table. Something so small but big for me.

Im sure she wont steel my thunder but I dont want to have to be stressing about it with 10 months to go! lol x

I think it's a bit unfair for OH to have such a big surprise sprung on him at the actual wedding tbh - could you suggest a family meal the night before so the sister can make her grand entrance then? ? it'll all be

Well this is my bi thing, she is away travelling at the moment. OH supposed to be either going from his mums or his other sisters. Where is sister who is coming back is going to stay and how they are going to keep it a secret for so long I have no idea. Id rather not have the surprise and work on numbers instead. Just worked out so far I have 24 including me off my side and 36 off his side for the reception!

Oh sarah I really don't envy you, I can see how easily things can span out of control with some mothers and am quite lucky in away not to have much contact with OH's stepmum and mum as they are both that kind of person. I would definitely try to suggest that the sister surprise is not kept for the actual wedding day - I don't think she will steal your thunder but they will want to catch up etc and it would be overwhelming enough without added pressure (on your OH and on yourself).

regarding guest list - have you got back RSVPs from everyone? if not it may not be as many as that - its one thing inviting people and another whether they show up or not.

Hi tango, thanks for that. Im going to get my mum to suggest that its not a surprise as OH is very emotional and I will be really annoyed if he is upset before I even get there. Its all starting to really irriate me. I wish I had just said no in the first place.

We havent sent any invitations out yet, I know all my 2 are coming and all of Oh guests have said yes as they are his mothers friends and his family. I have 24 coming to the day so am claiming 40 evening guests too, haha he doesnt know that yet but its only fair!

I agree that sister can NOT arrive on THE wedding day, thats just not the done thing and your hubby will freak and get tongue tied and blah!

I agree that your sis in law 2 b will not steal your thunder, she can work one half of the room whilst you do the other, lololol....

Dont worry about seating and pennies where shes concerned. Someone will decline and it will all work out in the end

and its common for speeches to be before the meal, its nuthin to do with nerves its about the venue getting their turn around done quickly lolol......that or making sure filled up/drunk guests dont fall asleep or heckle the groom

I really don't know what to add to what's already been said, but I didn't want to R&R. I agree that she really needs to make her entrance before the wedding, she can't just turn up on the day, it's not fair to your or your OH. Hope you manage to sort everything ok

Hi Sarah, I agree with everyone here. Ask your mum to request that the sister has her big welcoming party before the wedding. I've got various friends who are out travelling (one of them is an usher) & all except for one have said they'd like to do something a few days before the wedding rather than taking any limelight off me (apart from their glowing tans! Grr :p).

I totally agrre with this! Im not sure what you can do but something needs to be done! Really hope you get it sorted! x

Thanks girls, forgot about this post as I have tried to think of other happy things.

I have spoken to mum and asked that she call MIL and explain to her that after thinking about it my mother knows I would be very upset to see my OH emotional before I had even got there and if there is a possibility of maybe a meal on the Thursday or Friday before the wedding as they will have a lot to catch up as she left on bad terms with him, as I did. We are all fine now but obviously he will be very happy to see her.

Also the fact that when we were talking to his mum he did say that he didnt want it sprung on him if she was coming as we werre going to be short of space for the meal anyways so im going to be upset if he is too.

I hope it does get resolved though! xxx

Updated above!

I agree with jules, tell her u know about the surprise otherwise its gonna eat away at you and upset you. This is supposed to be the most enjoyable time of your life so don't let anyone spoil it.

Tell MIL you will keep it from OH so its still a surprise for him and at least you will feel you still have control of your own wedding.

Hope this gets sorted out - its rubbish feeling rubbish x

I think you should ask your mum to ring her back to say she's made discreet enquiries with you without giving the game away, and final confirmation of numbers must be in 6 weeks before. Therefore you are going to need to be told in advance and she can vouch for you that you'll be able to keep the secret. Try not to let it worry you,everything will work out x

I think you're being a little bit tetchy tbh, its 9mths before your wedding - not like its just been sprung on you the day before, I would say you're being unreasonable. It is your OH sister after all, and would be a fab surprise. Just because your numbers are up now, I take it they are are only listed numbers and not confirms for the day so far ahead. So much will change in the next 9 months that I wouldn't let 1 extra person worry you.

Then tell her that its both your day and you make the decisions TOGETHER. Afterall, you start as you mean to go on. This womans got no right to do this.

Tell her that the hotel need all final things 6 weeks before - if the sister is def coming then thats fine and so what if you know about it......... what can she do about it if she finds out on the day of the wedding that you have known all along??? she might realise she has misjudged you and eat some humble pie.

Dont get upset about it. Keep up with your planning and inform the hotel its a surprise. Put a false name on your table plan, pretend its a friend from long ago......make an anagram of the sisters name..lolol...

however i must say your brother shouldnt even be told the DAY before..... hes gonna be busy enough. Either with you or his bestman.

Can you contact his sister?????? let her know whats going on?

Firstly, I think it's going to be a wonderful surprise for your OH, so remember that - that's a good thing.

However, your FMIL is going about it all in entirely the wrong way IMO.

It's important when you speak to her that you stay calm and unemotional and just deploy the facts.

I think first of all you need to focus on the things you agree on - you both want your OH to be happy, and you're delighted his sister is going to be able to attend. A bit of flattery is not going to hurt here (if you think you can do it without gritted teeth and come across genuine!) so you could even say what a good idea it is. This I think should set you up well for the difficult bit of the convo.

However, understandably you want to know who's coming and who's not and you want to feel in control of your day - you can bring in the 6 week thing here. Explain that you wouldn't dream of spoiling your OH's surprise but it would be really useful to know in a good chunk of time in advance whether the sister will be attending. You could also say here that as your numbers are very limited, each guest counts, so if sister can't attend then you need to know in enough time to invite someone else. Say that you're really looking forward to seeing the sister and it would be fun for you and FMIL to have a secret that you share - and make it easier in terms of organisation.

If this fails....get your hotel to say they're unwilling to speak to anyone but you on arrangements.

And - is there any way of speaking to the sister direct?

Good luck, remember, if you feel yourself about to call her an interfering bag just BREATHE and stay calm - logical dispassionate arguments will have far more effect! Let us know how you get on. x

I agree!!

It will be an amazing surprise for you OH. I think you should plan as if she's going to be there. Surely if she's coming a long way her flights will be booked now - what can stop her coming at the last minute?? If she isn't then i'ts 1 person down - not such a big deal?

Talk to you FMIL and tell her you know - plan the surprise with her not working against her.

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Jules – Thanks, the thing is with telling her that I know about the sister is at my mum is going to be seen as the grass and that she couldn’t keep a secret from me. I just don’t want the day to become a big joke as there are enough surprises on the day already. I am extremely happy that his sister is able to come as she left on bad terms with us both and we all have a lot of catching up to do. Just not a few days before. He has already said he will have far too much to do a couple of days before.

Borokate – At the moment I just don’t feel like doing anything for the wedding. I have been so organised and happy with the plans, everything coming together and it being perfect. It may seem really picky but I don’t want odd tables and this is what is happening. I can’t actually believe that she doesn’t think I can keep a secret for 9 months. I mean come on.....

Wendy – That’s a good idea about the 6 weeks. I don’t know if my mum actually wants to get involved anymore as she is in the middle now. Wants me to be happy but doesn’t want to offend his mum. His mum ended the call abruptly last night and made my mum feel bad. Ill have to have a chat with her.

Hay – I appreciate your opinion but I do not think I am being tetchy, it is my day. 9 Months before the wedding is a long way off but when I have been so organised and have everything how I want it then you would be a little annoyed. I’m not arguing the fact that it is his sister. He and I want his sister there as much as anyone else. I just don’t see the need for it to be a surprise; he is going to be over the moon anyways when he finds out, if it was today or 9 months away!!! No everyone that is on our numbers knows they are invited and have said they will be attending.

Teehee – I agree that is shouldn’t be the day before as he has got a lot to do and I don’t want his stressing and upsetting me and himself. I’m guessing she is definitely coming home. I might speak with his other sister that lives away and see what she says because at the moment im on such a low I can’t even be bothered to think about it.

Brideseekingblush – It is going to be a fab surprise for him yeah, he misses her like mad and only gets to talk to her on Skype so he is going to be overwhelmed that she will be there but when I spoke last week about “what if” he said he would expect his mum to drop one of her numbers for her to have a seat. This is not what she is intending. I have spoken to the hotel and they have said they are unwilling to speak to anyone other than the bride or the groom about adding numbers.

Geordie – It is going to be amazing but I haven’t been able to add half the people I wanted there as we had no space of extra money. I have 24 off my side and 35 off his. Originally it was 24 off both. I have kept my numbers and didn’t want to have to add more for the sake of another table.

Thanks x