Feeling quite hurt

Be thankful that she isn't asking you to do a million things, I'm sure you'd soon get fed up of that! If she wants to organise it all herself let her.

As for the last bit, to be honest I think you are being a bit silly there. It'll only be for the ceremony and food, you don't need to be attached to your OH all day. I'm being a bridesmaid for someone in August and I won't be sat with my baby who will only be 6 months old, but you really should expect that when you are in the bridal party. If it's that hard to be torn away from your OH for a couple of hours maybe you should rethink actually being her maid of honour? I'm not meaning to be harsh, but you have said it is the worst part, which I think is OTT, sorry.

Have you tried speaking to her about it? Tell her you'd like to be involved in some way and would like to help with things, maybe she doesn't realise she's shutting you out. Doesn't sound like you have any problems in the friendship if you get on so well so maybe it's that or she just likes to organise things herself and be in control? I think you should nicely say you'd love to help her and maybe suggest going on a shopping trip together or something, or just explain how you feel..your relationship sounds strong enough to handle it.

The sitting with your fiancé thing is just one of those things everyone has to put up with, just the way things are done as i'm sure you know

Thanks, I guess that's your opinion, it just surprises me when I see people flashing their dresses on here yet as a MOH I cant see her dress, I don't get it. I just don't understand what it means to her to have a MOH since I'm not actually doing anything apart from sitting at a top table and regardless of your view on this I would have preferred to sit with my partner. And I wouldn't have got fed up of doing things for her as I love stuff like this so it wouldn't have been nice to have been included.

I know a few people who kept their dress a secret, some people are just like that. Personally I think it's a bit weird but hey ho, we're all different aren't we.

So are you saying if you were more involved in the WP you'd feel less peeved about sitting away from your partner? Still don't really get it.. Surely you must have expected from day 1 to be sat away from him? That's just what you have to do. I fully appreciate that you would prefer to, anyone would, I just don't get why it's the worst part.

Thanks mm3, sound advice. I have offered to go shopping with her numerous times. I guess the bridesmaid dress thing was tough as she picked a dress for me to wear without consulting me about how I felt about the dress, she handed it to me unexpectedly one evening at a meal my brother was hosting and that was over a 6 months ago, she has yet to ask me if I like it, if it fits and how I feel in it. Before someone jumps on me saying its not about me, I know its not, I'm a bride to be , I get it but still, I will include my bridesmaids (her being one of them) in decisions that impact on them such as what they are wearing, I want them to feel great and comfortable. x

With the dress thing I'm keeping mine a surprise; only my mum will see me in it before the day. This was partly because my FMIL asked to come dress shopping with me and this was one part of planning that I just wanted to keep to me and my mum. Then thought it would be nice to have it as a secret anyway, especially as nearly everyone knew that my H2B was going to propose so want the chance to surprise people on the wedding day!

With the seating arrangement; you'll only have to not be with your fiance for the meal, after that I'm sure no-one would find it odd if you went to join him!

And with everything else; as others have said just mention you'd like to help; I'm trying to be careful not to over-wedding with people because it's just one day and want a life aside from wedding planning, but as soon as other people bring it up I take that as a bit of a green light to go ahead and chat about it!

People flashing dresses on here is completely different as it's unlikely anyone seeing it will be at the wedding. I know quite a lot of people are keen to keep it a total secret and I'd try not to take offence at this as she probably just wants it to be a total surprise.

Everyone has a different idea of what a MOH/BM role is. I've found reading your post very interesting as, although I've involved my MOH/BMs in their dresses and shoes and talked to them about the venue, and shown them a picture of my dress, I've tried to avoid talking to them too much about the wedding because I'm worried it will bore them if I do or they'll dread talking to me because I've become a wedding bore.

For me, the main reason for picking my MOH and BMs is to have them with me on the day, so that they can be a big part of the day and know how important they are to me. I'm not expecting them to help out with much, not because I don't want them involved but because I assume they'd be too busy with other things and it would be a bit cheeky of me to ask. Maybe she feels the same? It doesn't mean she doesn't really value you being there with her on the day.

She probably thinks you'd be really pleased about sitting on the top table, i'd be honoured to be asked to sit at the top table at someone's wedding as it shows how much they think of me, and you'll get to see your partner the rest of the day.

Edit - forgot I've actually sat at a top table and been split from my partner and I was pleased (not as a bm, it was my dad's wedding but I was very pleased he asked us)

I'm not peeved at not sitting with my partner at all, I would say I'm more disappointed as we would have liked to sit together. It wouldn't seem so bad if I felt like a MOH but at this point I feel like no more than a guest.

I am having a sweetheart table as I don't want to split any couples up on my day, if my guests are happy then I'm happy x

This is an example of how people see roles differently, I've got to admit it never occurred to me that the people on my top table would rather sit with their partners. I didn't experience this when I was placed on a top table so I assume people would be pleased to be there, like I was. To flip it on its side, you could say an MOH or best man might be upset with a sweetheart table that they're not seen to be as important on the day but have just had to be involved in the run up. Do you see what I mean? I'm not saying either is right or wrong, just that people view roles in weddings differently and maybe some of this is why you're feeling unimportant but your SIL might not realise?

I understand you being upset about not being consulted at all on the dress though. Why don't you suggest having a night of wedding chat, invite her round specifically and say your interested to hear how she's getting on and wondered if there's anything you can do to help and see what she says?

Thanks ladies, I feel better. I'm a sensitive person and just looking into it too much I guess. I am so privileged to have been asked, I just took it quite personally, the lack of involvement. Its nice to hear other peoples feedback to gain a different perspective on things! I will offer my help and accept that she may want to just do it on her own but be there to support her when needed. I don't mind sitting away from my partner for a few hours but we kinda are joined at the hip... what can I say we're smitten,even after 8yrs! lol x

I dont understand the problem... its HER wedding not yours, she probably knows what she wants and doesn't want input (another word for unwanted opinions)

my bridesmaids get no say in the dress of accessories, they have been picked for years and are exactly what I want (made a slight except with one wearing flat shoes due to an inability to walk in heels)

as for the dress, mine will be made and no one will see it before the day either because its a surprise and I dont want people talking about it before hand (which they will because its pretty unique)

your obviously close so its not personal - maybe ask if you can organize a hen do or pamper night or something to feel more involved

I dont understand the problem... its HER wedding not yours, she probably knows what she wants and doesn't want input (another word for unwanted opinions)

my bridesmaids get no say in the dress of accessories, they have been picked for years and are exactly what I want (made a slight except with one wearing flat shoes due to an inability to walk in heels)

as for the dress, mine will be made and no one will see it before the day either because its a surprise and I dont want people talking about it before hand (which they will because its pretty unique)

your obviously close so its not personal - maybe ask if you can organize a hen do or pamper night or something to feel more involved

You're right, you don't understand and that's ok. I don't expect that everyone would but thanks for your input none the less!

Hmmm I don't know I personally involved my bridesmaids In choosing their dresses, it's them wearing it not me and I want them to be comfortable! They are accessorising and getting their shoes themselves I want no say so longs they are happy I'm happy!

I personally think it's unfair that she ordered dresses and accessories without at least showing you and other bridesmaid first considering its you that be wearing it!

in regards to my dress no one has seen it apart from my mum up till now... I'm still deciding if I should bring my bridesmaids along to the fitting when my dress arrives! At least one of them needs to learn how to do the bustle and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by only taking one along! (I don't have a chief bridesmaid)

regarding seating I'm sitting my bridesmaids with their significant others and family! I go to a wedding in August where my OH is a groomsman and I would hope they'll be doing the same won't be a big deal if they don't because I'll have his friend who is also groomsman, wife for company! I guess I would feel differently if I didn't know anyone else there!

my friend (who I will be a BM for and who will also be my bridesmaid) bought her bm dresses with out even knowing peoples sizes let alone weather we 'like' it and who care if we like it or not its not our day and im just happy to be there with them... If you're any friend you dont object to what the bride asks unless its for genuine practical reasons - it might of been nice to be shown in advance but like mentioned she probably didn't want unwelcome opinions

nothing I hate more than the self entitle bridesmaids that moan that the dont like the color scheme or that the dont usually wear A-line or they wanted something shorter etc... suck it up for one day if your truly a friend as its not about you

p.s sorry that last bit seemed a little rant-y and is not directed at any one here (but lets face it you see it a lot on here and on wedding shows, I have 8 BMs and found the dress but 1 BM doesn't like it because...*insert stupid reason*)

What about self entitled brides? The same can also be said for them if they were real friends they would value the opinions of those who they've chosen to support them on the day no?

by all means I'm not suggesting to throwing away their entire vision of the day, but at least hearing their friends out and finding out what they are comfortable with wouldn't go amiss.

if they just wanted someone/thing to dress for the day may has well just use life size dolls...

Exactly Pink Butterfly! x

Oh no thats not good, I can not understand why she wouldnt show you her dress, my bridesmaids will see mine.. I bet you feel bad with not being involved, if she didnt want u involved them why give you a role. Also I hate when I go to weddings and u can see straight away if the bride gave her bm's a say in there dresses.. how any 1 would buy a dress b4 asking some1 size is well... rude, iv seen a bm at a wedding sit there all day as it was to small 4 her she kept saying she felt horrible and uncomfortable poor girl evey1 noticed, I have asked my bm's what they dont like in dresses so I can put there hates together and find something they will all b comfortable in as 1 dont like her arms on show so im not gunna make her show them just so I have a good day lol it makes no difference to me.. I want them happy, 1 wants flats and the other wants a long dress to hide her legs so thats what il get, when brides dont care it makes the day miserable I cant see why some r like that, I thought my sil would invole me and want help but she wouldn't let me do a thing and her day went from bad to awful.. times were out, not enough food unhappy bm's/guests.. moh actually brought her own dress after seeing what she wanted her 2 wear lol brides dress was way to big her suite order went wrong [her fault] crap pics why she wouldn't let people help I dont know.. oh well she does still moan 4 years down the line so she learned a hard lesson I guess. If I was u I would say to ur sil that u really wanted to at least do something with her and ask her why u r moh if she isnt involving u in anything and tell her how it makes u feel, Dont worry bout seating the day will fly byxxx

My MOH is my best friend in the whole wide world - however I bought her dress and accessories with no input and showed her when they arrived ( she loves it ) and as for my dress you will see no flashes on here ! My mum and gran have seen it and that's it ... Each bride is different - I doubt she's trying to shut you out ! Be grateful she's taking the stress off. If it's that much of a problem I would speak to her about it x

I'm guessing she just wants minimal fuss, including people and asking for their opinions opens a can of worms because everyone will offer something different and the whole process takes a lot of extra time. My friend who hates wedding planning has been mega swift and efficient about it and decided everything without saying anything to anyone! And yeah, it's not because she doesn't love or trust us she just wants the planning over and done with.

She might just be a private person, or wants to keep her wedding planning private? If she's not one to usually make a fuss her behaviour doesn't surprise me tbh, the fact that you speak on the phone most days shows it's nothing personal to do with you and you're clearly good friends. I would just relax and go with the flow.

re choosing BM dresses, I have 4, one lives in Bristol and another in London (I'm in Cardiff) so it wasn't feasible to get all of us together to go shopping. I did go with my MOH once but couldn't find anything, and I ended up ordering them all online so the BM's only saw them via link before trying them on. People are so busy nowadays and so much shopping is done online, it doesn't really surprise me that's the way she's done it. As long as you're happy with how the dress fits, and can have alterations if needs be.

Im the same as wifeytobe88 , my bridesmaids are living all over the place and I did go looking for bridesmaid dresses with my moh but there was nothing there so I ordered them online instead. my 2 bridesmaids love them everybody who has seen them has loved them except my moh who wont try it on!

My dress was a secret but I flashed it on here- mainly as I knew no one who I knew would see it. I took my bm's dress shopping but ended up buying my dress and thier dresses on a whim and on my own!

I think the key here us not to get too caught up in what's 'normal'. You are close to your sil so just try to be happy with how things are not unhappy because they arnt how you exoected them to be.

I guess if she was the kind of person you described it would be easier for me to accept but she isn't x

She goes on about it all the time though, this is what is so hurtful. We have set dates to go shopping some time ago and ended up just calling me up saying she had already been since we arranged it, I mean it just seems like she tells me she is struggling but doesn't want the help? Its ok, I will be here regardless for her but I guess I'd be lying if when I asked was to be a MOH I had expectations of what it would be like and its....nothing. But that's MY issue, I guess I've watched too many films lol

I guess the bottom line is, I wanted to make it special for HER, soak it up. I have even offered to take her to a spa to de-stress, my treat, Bride to be and MOH and chat all things wedding x

Yeah, I do wondered why she had given me the role of MOH and then not involved me, that's why I said in previous posts the worst thing was the seating, as I feel like I'm now sitting away from my partner for 5 hours for nothing and might I add, next to my father whom when I haven't spoken to for 6 years, since his now wife give him a choice between her and I as she has major issues! x

5 hours?! Why is the wedding breakfast that long?!

Because that's what she wants I guess, She is having entertainment to which we are to remain in our allocated seats, she doesn't actually want people to get up and mingle until the disco at night which starts at 8pm, wedding breakfast starts at 1pm. Not how I will have my day, but as everyone keeps saying, its her day.

I must admit that as a bride, I have organised most things myself. I bought my dress with my mum and didn't do the usual taking-the-BMs-along-a-la-don't-tell-the-bride style. My BMs are my two best friends and were excited to see pics online of the dress but not actually part of the choosing of it. They have made comments about "ahh you've already organised everything!" But they are having complete say in their dresses which will go shopping for and they can choose what they like. I am also letting them organise the hen and help with the centrepieces in the run up (filling jars with flowers). I've also let one of them make things for the reception (photos of us and our friends). I really think you need to speak to your SIL. Like I said, my BMs have made comments about the amount I'm organising so I have deliberately made sure they feel included and have things to do. I haven't deliberately not included them in things, it's just I found it easier to sort out things myself. Perhaps this is the issue with your SIL? Why not just make a joke about it with her like my BMs did with me? I do think you should raise the issue as you will start resenting being a MOH (and you are already a little miffed about the seating issue). TALK TO HER!

I can understand why you feel she is keeping you out of it but you are planning a wedding too and perhaps she wants to be sure that she's making her own choices in case either of you start feeling that one may have influenced the other?

As MOH are you planning her hen do? That's a big responsibility and there seem to be lots of logistical issues/opportunities for misunderstandings with that job. Maybe she thinks that's enough to ask of you?

What is she going to do? Tie people in thier chairs so they can't move? Presumably trips to the bar and loo will be allowed?

she's being totally unreasonable IMO.

Are you sure the breakfast is 5 hours...does this not include the drinks reception after the ceremony? For wedding breakfast to be at 1pm she'd have to be getting married mighty early! We got married at 11am and our wedding breakfast wasn't until 3pm....and even that was a rush!!!

I don't think it's totally unreasonable to want to sit next to your partner, and for people to say its to be expected that you won't is complete rubbish...sweetheart tables or couples who change seats at each course don't have a 'top table'. However I don't think it is something that can be bargained on, you sit where she wants you to.

I find it odd that she hasn't let you see the dress but on the flip side, your also getting married and are a rival bride. 2 of my friends were getting married before me but also whilst I had started planning mine and I didn't get any information at all. Yes I wasn't asked to be MOH but there definitely is a protection instinct that kicks in with wedding planning.

If your relationship is as close as it sounds then maybe you could just have a quiet word with her and say you feel there is a lot more you could do to help her, and you don't mind what it is. Maybe she thinks you won't want to help as your busy with your own?