For OMs who kept their maiden names - and brides who are planning to...

All the posts in WP about it are driving me up the wall. People - and mainly younger brides - saying things like it's "not natural" and "there's no point in getting married" if the woman doesn't take the man's name make me weep for the future of feminism. I completely support every woman's choice to use whatever name she likes, it's the lack of understanding of the issue that is making me crazy.

Anyway. I'm much less likely to have the problem of people accidentally addressing me by my H2B's name, cos he's taking mine. I guess some people who know him might assume that I am, but they'll soon see him using my surname on facebook and the like, and very few people who know me through work or whatever will associate the surname Dean with me. If anyone does do it, I think I'll correct them. I've had a few people ask what my new name will be and I've corrected them straightaway!

I think part of this also stems from the fact that I changed my surname by deed poll about 15 yrs ago. My surname is pretty much unique and changing it was a huge deal for me, it was like I took on a whole new identity. I'm very attached to it, which makes me super proud that my H2B is taking it too. Perhaps if my current name was my dad's surname I would be less bothered. Not that my dad and I don't have a good relationship or anything, I just don't think of his name as my name anymore.

Well said ID. Someone finally making sense on the topic

To YK if someone gets your name wrong I would gently correct them. If they don't' get the message and still called me by what is actually someone else's name I might say something more specific. There is still a presumption but I don't think people do it maliciously. There might be those who express surprise but that says more about them than it does about your choice. This is 2014 for pete's sake! (btw I am taking OH surname but mainly because I hate being associated with my biological father and want rid of my current name. I should have changed it by deed poll years ago)

I changed my name because I wanted to and I wanted our children together to have the same name as me.

Its personal preference though, if you want to, then do, if you don't, then don't. I don't know why its such a big deal.

I have the same name as my children and my ex husband. I kept it for my children and because I am known professionally by it. When I retire and my daughters have left home I will probably change to my husbands name...not to lose my identity per se, but because it's my ex's name and he's a 'completely unreasonable nasty tyrant'.

That's exactly why my H2B is so happy to take mine - he hasn't seen his dad since he was five, he has no emotional attachment to his surname.

I have told a few people that he's taking mine and they have been a bit surprised, but not derisory. Nobody in my real life has implied that what we're doing is weird or somehow compromises his masculinity - it's only on here that I have heard (read) such nonsense. Perhaps I'm living in some sort of progressive feminist bubble? I dunno. It's very similar to the diet issue - IRL, only my mother has mentioned to me that I might want to lose weight for my wedding. When I see people on here saying their colleagues have been admonishing them when they pick up a biscuit, I'm horrified.

That WP discussion is super odd particularly the comment about not being properly married if you don't share a surname! never heard such a thing in my life!!

I don't think the issue is solely relevant for those who keep their maiden name. Most of my friends (including my mum) expected me to keep mine. I made an 'unusual' choice amongst my friends and was met with quite a lot of resistance, which I thought was quite sad. One friend said 'your husband must have forced you. I'm ashamed that you caved in.' Err... he wouldn't dare to tell me what to do and it's my choice!

Surely the whole discussion boils down to the woman's choice no matter what her OH, friends or family think about what she should be doing.

I don't think I would have felt empowered or free from societies' expectations if I had to keep my maiden name just so that I keep my feminist credentials and make my friends happy.

I had actually thought myself about starting a thread on this in OT, cos I knew we could have a rational discussion about it here! People in WP seem to get very emotive about it. The girl who had said that the woman taking the man's name "was the natural thing to do" went massively off on one at me when I challenged that. It's exasperating.

I think I need to see this thread over on WP!!

Definitely this, i think those people who have called me Mrs W have done it in a celebratory sort of way as we are newly-weds. Thats kind of why i let it slide. If anyone asks i have been clear that i am keeping my own name, but i don't feel the need to constantly correct people.....I'm not overly bothered what people assume, or how they refer to me socially. I just figure that in time they'll work it out when my email/facebook/signature doesn't change. But it has struck me since it seems to be such a hot issue for so many, maybe i should be making a point of emphasising my name.

I agree that the issue of choice is relevant to all. I was just curious whether those who had kept their name felt the need to correct people who assumed otherwise or whether they just let it go. I was quite surprised to find i didn't really mind but as i said, it was in a congratulatory context and it's early days yet!

Sorry if that sounded like i was having a go at you Yorkshirekiwi. It wasn't meant like that!

I just thought i'd make the point and get off my chest ?

I haven't corrected people who still call me by my maiden name. I guess they've either not clocked it or have forgotten my new name although I do have a suspicion that one of the people is making a 'point'. ?

No need to apologise, we're all grown-ups over here in OT ?

(Actually, i might have misunderstood your first post, but either way, i didn't take offence! Best head off to bed before i completely lose the ability to think straight. Night all)

I have chosen not take my husbands name on anything official, and the only place I am known by my married name is on my facebook account.

For one it is a right ballache to change your name at my place of work and often totally messes up IT access and as I work in the type of industry where every one knows everyone I wanted to keep that identity professionally. I also have to travel for work so having my name different inside and outside of work would not have really worked for me for visas, tickets etc.

I also had the point that unfortunately my father is no longer with me and I wanted to still have that connection to him in my name.

I don't correct anyone who makes the mistake, it doesn't bother me at all, I don't have any aversion to my married name or the tradition of taking the husbands name, I just chose not to for my own reasons.

Rod - To be fair to YK she specifically said she didn't want to have a debate on changing your surname should you/shouldn't you - I think we can all agree it's been done to death over on WP. Some of it by people who exist over there purely to ignite response. I agree - I have no idea why it is such a big deal. It's completely individual choice.

YP was asking OMs and other's what attitudes they have faced and whether OM's have asserted their identities or let it slide where people make assumptions over them taking their OH's name. Or not in Halloweeny's case. Which is an interesting angle. I have to say if I wasn't changing my name I probably would have faced a raised eyebrow amongst the older generations of both families but no-one would have said anything directly to me.

I'm interested to see what reaction I will get at work for changing my name. In my previous firm (big international practice) it was rare for women in senior management and above to change their name. It was never said directly but there was a sense of you being seen as maybe a bit weak if you did (maybe becoming a 'little woman' and hanging up your career). It was never discussed, it was more of an observation. I think people in my new firm aren't as bothered.

I didn't change my name. I think the only time I have ever been formally addressed as Mrs His-name was on wedding cards, from people who, to be blunt, didn't think it might actually be an option to keep a maiden name (i.e. some of the "oldies" and the "traditional religious types" in the family). Most of our friends are academic and would never make any assumptions about it (because it's perfectly normal in our circles to keep your name). I have, in fact, just realised that I attended the wedding of two very close friends a few weeks ago, and I have no idea what her intentions are regarding her surname. I should probably ask but would opt for her maiden name if I needed to make a call on it without being able to check (not sure what scenario that might entail, but never mind). The non-academic friends would know me well enough to know I was always going to keep my name!

I think socially, if a new acquaintance were to refer to me as Mrs His-name, I would correct, and continue to do so until they got the message.

The only confounder I will add is that I don't use Miss or Mrs titles, so it makes it less hassle to worry about which one I would have to be. When having to choose one e.g. internet drop-down boxes etc, I go for Miss.

I double barrelled my name, it kept me happy and my husband. My name is unusual so I wanted to keep it, a few people have commented on me being "posh" because of doing this, it's not, it's what we decided to do and ultimately nobody's business. Everybody has a right to have whatever name they want x

I use my maiden name at work and married name at home. The odd person at work has commented. My boss jokingly asked me if l didn't love my husband enough to change me name -he is a bit of a joker and didn't mean anything by it.

For some reason it has wound my brother up. Not sure why as he is Mr Modern Man about most things and is an academic so you would think he was used to it? My Mum doesn't give a monkeys and even suggested l didn't change my name.

I have kept my maiden name for a few reasons. One because I like it, it's a pretty surname, not very common and I feel as though it's a part of me. The main reason though is because here it's just not done, it's virtually unheard of and to do it would be strange. I think it is actually quite difficult to change your surname here so even if I'd wanted to I probably would have had my new surname on my passport and all things British, but on my Italian identity card would have had to keep my maiden name only or put both surnames.

It's interesting people have such different opinions about it, especially that there's "no point in being married" if you don't change it. There are many countries where women don't change their names when married like here, or like Spain I think (correct me if I'm wrong!) where they effectively always double barrel. Is it just in anglo-saxon countries that we do it? I wonder where the tradition comes from originally.. any ideas?

This may interest you

http://womenshistorynetwork.org/blog/?p=307

I was going to post it in the wp one, but thought the otters might find it interesting rather than something to argue about ?

It was unbelievably important to me to change my name. I've said it a few times but I felt totally different even from my wedding day. I felt I was getting a new identity and I have been so much happier. I love sharing a name with H.

That said, it doesn't really bother me what anyone else does. It certainly wouldn't make anyone less married, it's ridiculous! Whether it's one taking the other or double barreling it's only part of a marriage. It's not anyone's place to judge another couple of what they decide to do anyway. It's a personal decision.

I would usually write mr and mrs mans surname on a wedding card and assume unless I know otherwise. Ie Hs auntie and girlfriend got married so I just wrote their first names as I wasn't sure what they were doing.

Although im a fine one to talk, I've still to change my name on lots of things!!

Ahh thank you for that link! Of course it comes from the way that it was seen as ownership.. stupid me! Very interesting read.

That was an interesting read. Thanks for that Bekkijane

This. I couldn't care less if someone wants to change their name or if someone doesn't. It is personal preference.

I've decided to keep my surname
I changed it before when I was 16 as I wanted to have my step-dad's surname, as he's always been my dad in my eyes.
My OH and I were talking about changing surnames shortly after he proposed and he asked me if he could change his name to mine which to me was so unbelievably sweet.
He hasn't had any contact with his dad since he was 15 and doesn't really want to be associated with him any longer.

Neither my family or his have any problem with him taking my family's name, I feel it's all down to personal choice

x