FRAGILE ADVICE NEEDED :( My big day is a week away-HAVING DRAMAS

As the forum official 'scary blunt' bird, can I just say that he sounds like a complete twat.

It's difficult because we obviously don't know anything about him or your relationship other than what you just said. And based on what you just said he doesn't look good.

You can only talk to him and maybe remind him in this week leading up to the ceremony why he asked you to marry him and why you've been together for so long Make sure you spend time just the two of you (difficult with a young child) and have a happy time rather than arguing or disagreeing

I know it's hard but try not to give him an ultimatum as pride may tell him not to bother turning up.

my fingers and toes are crossed for you though!

Good luck and I really hope you can enjoy this last week x

He is being an a$$ yes.. I agree there.. and your question is what everyone is asking me.. what do i see in him.. so apart from that he doesnt do drink , drugs, doesnt cheat, a hard worker, is usually nice to me,never hits me , or even swears at me in a row, hes usually loving, supportive and considerate in every other aspet.. plus the father to our wonderful son.. I dont know what I see in him. lol

We only complain about the bad. .. but this is a pretty big issue for me.. well for us.. for our lives and future together.. I am thinking he is a bit of a control freak and lashing out? this bears all the sam marks as what he was like during the pregnancy.. I couldnt even read a baby magazine or leave anythiing baby related out in sight or he would stomp around and kic off with me.
its the same, except this is only one day not shoving him into 18 years of responsbility again am I!!

Just putting this out there as the mother of an autistic child myself with an ex who I also suspect is on the spectrum, have you any suspicions he may have asd? Big changes seem to set your H2B on edge and cause meltdowns from what you've said. A wedding puts the majority of us out of our comfort zone but would be a million times worse if he has trouble processing his thoughts and feelings.

Yep u have made such a valid point.. I believe after some research that autism is genetic and years ag they wouldnt diagnose.. appartently he too would talk til 5-6 years old. and he is very unsociable when it comes to freinds, he likes to keep himself to himself.. I think you are right Icklefee cos My Mother said exactly the same thing only two nights ago!


and.. yes I did briefly move out with our baby beacuse of his attitude so he realised what he was about to llose.. but we were still seeig echother and together , we just lived apart til he figured out what he wanted I suppose.. it was a ood move at the time cos it did the trick.. and he got us to move back in- probably because he was sick of ordering takeaways lol. anyways I made him promise t be a father and put the effort in and he did and he turned into the ideal father I aways knew that was inside him.
now I wih he would just turn into the husband to be of my dreams lol.

I'm honestly not sure what else to suggest, I had no idea about my ex because we split when our asd son was only 18 months old and at the time had no suspicions about him. I think if I maybe knew what made him act up I would have been able to put the effort in, like I do with my son. It's very close to the wedding now but do you have methods you use to get around him when he's being like this? Or any calming techniques you try with your little one that you could attempt with your H2B. Be totally black and white with him. Tell him you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him and have no intention of running off with his money. I would say that drawing up a pre-nup just gives him grey areas to worry about. It's not too late for him to be assessed and perhaps after the wedding this is something you could discuss with him for his own sake and the sake of you and your son. Wishing you all the best for your wedding day and the future xx

This maybe Chinese whispers, but I don't think Pre Nup's are legally binding in the UK. However apparently the judge 'may' take them into account when deciding who get's what.

I don't know why you would need to show him you don't want to take him to the cleaners, didn't you say you have more assets than him? If anything I would get one for your own protection.

Coming at it from a slightly different angle - not all blokes are happy to go along with a wedding without causing a fuss. He might be feeling worried about standing up in front of everyone, the pressure of the day etc. Although he is being a bit extreme. I would let him calm down then calmly explain that it is his choice (giving him control back) but to think about this carefully as if he does decide to cancel the wedding that will be the end of the two of you and there will be no going back. Then if he still goes ahead as painful as that would be then at least you know x

I'm going to say the same as I would to anyone with serious doubts - don't do it. You're not having the doubts but he is and he couldn't be clearer. Marriage doesn't work unless you both want it 100% and he's hardly 100% committed if he wants a pre-nup - he's already looking for the exit. The waste of money argument is moot now, as it's too late to get most of it back by canceling, so really he just doesn't want to marry you. Why on earth would you want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you? You won't be saving your son from a broken home. You'll just be delaying the inevitable and making it messier when it happens. He's been cruel to propose (knowing it's not want he wanted) only to recind the proposal but, if you say he's an excellent father, then he'll be an excellent single father.

This suggests to me that your relationship has always been a bit on his terms where you're waiting for him or coaxing him to step up. He had the bad attitude, yet the ball was in his court? Sorry to say but from what you've posted, I feel the wedding is similar, where you're essentially coaxing him into stuff, and although I can understand why you feel it's too late to step back with all the planning, do you honestly want to tie yourself to someone who you feel doesn't want to marry you? Marriage should be entered into happily, you won't feel happy on the day having all these thoughts and arguments floating around. Instead of worrying about the suits and stuff, I think you both need to sit down and have that hard conversation about how he's feeling about it.

Either that or he just is the type that gets panicked about big serious life things, which in that case he just needs a slap. I agree with others though, I would've stepped out.

Oh my goodness. I wish I could give you a hug; that's a lot of stress a week before the wedding!

I don't have any advice, really, but I didn't want to read and not say something. He sounds like an absolute tool, and I hope you guys can sort it out.

Are all his issues regarding the wedding itself. Have you asked him if you don't get married does he still want to be with you? I ask because if what Icklefee suggests is right (and it sounds plausible) then it really may be the wedding, rather than your relationship perse, whcih needs to change.

There is no point going forward with so much uncertainty. If you both believe that the relationship is for ever then being married gives you both and your son a firmer legal standing but otherwise nothing between you needs to change. But you can't do anything unless you can get him to tell you what the problem really is.

The options:

He is having doubts about the relationship: in which case getting married would be a mistake for both of you.

He is having doubts about the wedding: in which case you can either make him go through with it for you, knowing that it is only one day and henceforth things will be as they were, or (a possibly preferable solution) you defer the wedding and have a smaller, more personal ceremony if that is what he wants.

I thnk that you know that carrying on with the wedding as things are isn't an available option. I am so sorry that this has all come to a head now, with so little time for you to get him to talk properly (without an argument) about this.

I would say there are three options:

Either he's having cold feet about the relationship in which case you need to find out, you can't get married

He's scared about having a big wedding and would prefer something quiet, and feels like he's been railroaded into something he doesn't want

He's a twat

You need to find out what the issue is. I don't see how you can continue as things stand.

He sounds like an absolute twunk and is behaving like a child by hiding invitations and not addressing the issue front on with you.

You need to sit down with him and discuss the situation. Ask him what exactly is worrying him, if it's the money then I'm guessing it has already been spent as the wedding is in a week so cancelling won't help. Also mention that you technically have more assets than him.

If it's commitment then refer back to his 'piece of paper' jibe and say that it'll be a piece of paper to him but mean a lot more to you.

He might be freaking out about how many people will be there (even if it's not a big wedding), as you've mentioned he isn't the most sociable person you know.

Frankly, if he is still behaving like this after a chat I wouldn't want to marry him. I'd be living in constant fear of his next freak out.

Hope it all works out for the best for you.

Hiya,

You say "I cannot cancel. I will look like a right idiot."

Guess what? 11yrs ago, I married my first husband for exactly this reason. We had a major row a month before the wedding, when lots of things came to a head, he walked out, and said he didn't want to get married, that he didn't want the same future as me etc. I was devastated, BUT looking back, my underlying thoughts were not "how will I spend my life without him?", they were "ooh sh*t, not now, everything's planned, this will be really embarrassing, I can't let this happen".

I convinced him that it was pre wedding nerves (although I think deep down I knew it was way more than that) and persuaded him to go through with it. Of course I knew deep down that a wedding shouldn't be something to be gone through as a chore, but we married, the huge glamorous stately home wedding with horse and carriage, thousands of pounds of flowers, free flowing champagne, all went ahead as planned. The £20k+ paid out for the wedding wasn't wasted after all. Or was it.....?

14 months later he walked out again, for good. We were divorced before our second anniversary.

Please, please don't go through with it if there are any doubts. You will look more of an idiot standing at the church doors being told he hasn't turned up. It's easier to explain to people now, by phone calls and emails, than when you're standing there in a white dress and they are in their guest's finery, having paid for travel, accommodation and gifts.

Seriously I would not be putting up with this. He proposed so obviously he does want to get married. For whatever reason he is behaving like a child rather than speaking to you about it. All I would say is do not let this drag on because from what you say it is highly likely he will jilt you at the altar and who wwil look like the idiot then?

I hope you get this sorted x

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but what you've described there don't sound like reasons for marrying someone. Those are just reasons you might get on with a friend or a flatmate. I'm not sure what the difference is, but I think you're trying to justify marrying him for the sake of your son, which isn't the thing to do. Of course we are only seeing one side here, but I think you need to put the wedding on one side for the moment, and look at your relationship. Could you postpone for a little while and look into relationship counselling or something? Best of luck whatever you decide.

I've got to say, I also thought this.

He shouldn't do things like cheat, drugs, hit you etc... that's a given. But to use this as reasons why you should marry him despite his behaviour seems a bit like clutching at straws.

If it were me and that were my relationship I would be cancelling for many reasons. You shouldn't have to hide everything wedding to avoid a row and walk on egg shells to appease somebody else. Nor should you force someone to marry you because you don't want to loose face. Tbh it sounds like your OH has been resisting this wedding for the majority of the planning process and I'm suprised you have got to a week away before alarm bells have started ringing. You can't get married to someone who doesn't want to marry you. Even if it is a deal breaker and it ends the relationship. From the outside this does not sound like healthy or 'normal' behaviour a week before a wedding. You need to talk to him and he needs to communicate to you what his deal is. But you have to be prepared for him to say he made a mistake proposing and that he doesn't want to get married. And if that is his answer and his feelings then you need to accept it, cancel or postpone the wedding. The focus on what this means for your relationship. Also please remember there are lots of terrible husbands out there who are great fathers and this is not reason alone to marry someone.

Hey MrsPullen2b,

I had read you post when you put it up and thought of you the last few days, wondering if you are ok and if all went ok with your wedding in the end.. Hope it all worked out for you.. ?

Exactly my initial thoughts too xx

I had just read this all - then noticed the dates !

I hope it all worked out for you xxx

I want to give you a massive hug.

The run up to my wedding was awful. None of H's family were coming, H was in a massive depression about it, sometimes I felt I was walking on eggshells if I had to ask him something related to the wedding. Sometimes he lashed out and said some awful things, like that it was "my" wedding and not his.

But at the end of the day, I knew no matter what, he wanted to be my husband more than anything and I wanted to be his wife. If you cannot say the same then you really need to sit him down and lay your cards on the table. You have been walking on eggshells for far too long, and like Barefoot said, if you bury your head in the sand and go through with it just because you feel like it's too late to back out it will just be prolonging the agony.

Edit: Just seen that the big day has passed already, I wonder what happened.

I felt so sad reading your post. My other half is the complete opposite, he is so excited about the big day and wants to be involved in everything (which can actually be annoying sometimes and want him to butt out so I can get my own way lol.) But he has visited all the venues and helped fill out all the forms, even pretends to listen to me talk about centrepieces. This is out big day not mine and he is just as excited as me.

I really hope your other half realised how important this day to you was and sucked it up for you!

xxx