Getting things wrong... funny

My daughter has recently learnt about sex at school and her friend was talking about a cliche. They meant a clitoris....

My nan came out with a whopper just before my wedding, she said "Im going to buy myself one of those facifiers" she meant fascinators!

Chatting on the phone to my Mum one day I was telling her I had bad backache to which she replied:

" That's because you are sat on that cucumber" She meant computer but cucumber had come out for some unknown reason!

After I had screamed at finding a spider under my chair at work, one of the HR girls asked my manager what was up. 'Ah nothing, kharv's just got bad necrophilia.

One of my besties is the funniest person I know, she's so blonde.

I was messing about with hair extensions and one friend said I looked like a gazelle. Barbie piped up "Like them things in the garden?" cue us two looking confused as to why she has a gazelle in the garden.. Turns out she meant gazebo!

Other Barbie-isms :

Another time, she asked what the water in the candle was - It was melted wax, d'oh!

Last week she thought she had some kind of amazing new fact, she excitedly told me that spiders eat flies. Yes and? She was really proud she'd learnt something new.

Then there's the time she thought hair grew from the tips, rather than from the roots. She's a fully qualified stylist in the top salon in town. Hilarious! She defended herself by saying she was never taught it at college.

I've said for years I should write everything down and write a book about her.

H called me "Mom" last night.... Should I laugh or cry?

Depends in what context he called it you ?

I got called "Miss Wilson" yesterday by the little dude.. He forgot he wasn't at school.

When I was about 8 or 9 my parents invited some of the neighbours over for a small party. The old lady who lived next door was saying something about how she went to a different church to the rest of our (mostly Catholic) neighbourhood. To which I piped up "is that because you're a prostitute?". I meant protestant ?

?

The only thing almost as funny is the fact that my late Gran used to call bad drivers "silly dildos"... i.e. "Oooh, he's a stupid ***". I was about 13 at the time, and I had to tell her it was a rude word. I wouldn't tell her what it meant. She said "oooh, it can't be that rude if you know what it means."... she looked it up later on and was rather shocked.

Bless.

When my sister was little she was in a dulux paint ad with the fluffy dog, something reminded me of it and i said to my mum 'oh do you remember when j was in that durex advert?' she was like 'er, no....'

my sister asked my nan (who is 90) what she got from the chinese the other day and swears she said she had 'chicken b0ll0cks! '

not quite the same but my 3 yr old daughter has been shouting 'ooh its chilly willies out here today!!'

I overheard a colleague from our publicity department a few years ago asking about dates for the calendar we produce.

First she asked what date Easter was next year (as, we all know, it changes each year). She then, in all seriousness, asked when Christmas was.

She looks just like Alice from the Vicar of Dibley. I'm guessing there is a reason for it...

My nan's best friend used to talk very woefully about someone she knew with senile emulsion. She meant 'senile dementia', I have no idea how she got that mixed up with emulsion!

My nan had a thing for mispronouncing stuff. Trying to get her to say anemone properly was hilarious! To this day, my mum and I still say it "ayn-moan" instead!

My sister thought maccaroni was a type of cheese, i embarrasingly asked where the place Mowameadow was, i was like 'you know from the song one man went to mowameadow' it wasnt when i was a child either! dont think h will ever get bored of telling everyone that one!

It was the same as the Miss Wilson thing, he said it by accident!

H's Mum asked for semen toast at the chinese!!!

My 7 year old calls me "Nanny" after he's been to stay with my Mum for the night.

Someone one asked my two brothers (both in their twenties) how long they had been brothers...

My mum asked me if I wanted "basmati vingear" with my olives...

she of course meant "balsamic"

My cousin's gf was looking through some old photos and said about me and my cousin "you look so alike, you could be related"

Me - "well, we are..." lol.

Before I tell you this, I'd just like to point out that I am actually quite intelligent... I finished school with good grades and now work in Finance. However, it would appear that I don't (or didn't) have much common sense...

When I was 16, I was dating this guy who was quite a few years older than me and had his own flat. He invited me round for dinner one midsummer evening to meet his parents and we were all sat on the sofa watching an episode of Friends. It was a Christmas episode and his mum sighed and said "I hate it when they show Christmas episodes in the middle of June." to which I, innocently and enthusiastically, piped up "Maybe it's Christmas in America!"

Needless to say, we weren't together very long.

Wahhhhahahaha!!!??

My Gran was always getting things wrong.

A few years ago my aunt went on holiday and my parents and I were talking to my Gran about my Aunts holiday and where she was staying. My Gran, who I might add was very prim and proper, very proudly announced that my aunt was staying for two weeks in a gigolo.

My Gran meant a gites.

Maybe this isnt the best introduction of myself on OT and I can assure you I'm not normally this dim but .........

One evening OH and I were getting a bus from outside his house into town for a few drinks and when I got on I asked for a return, "to where" asked the bus driver, "well to here obviously" I replied!!!! I've never lived it down!!!!

When talking about music, my friend was asked if she likes Motown, she replied, "who is in motown, are they any good?" !!!

After my trip to South Africa, my sister was telling me should been reading up on the history whilst we were away. It culminated with her telling me how pleased she was that Nigel Mansell had been released from the prison on Robben Island.

We still refer to Nelson Mandela as Nigel now.

When we went out for the London Meet I thought the filling in the fajita was cumming, CB & Spangles kindly explained it was pronouced cumin.

Another of my classics, we were at work when someone said "Mother Teresa's death was over shadowed by Princess Diana's" to which I reponsed "Mother Teresa's dead?"

Im not dumb really ?

My friends Dad last week announced that he couldn't see the point in going to the doctors with his cough as they would only give him that 'simple simon medicine'.

He meant simple linctus , ,