Gift poem on invitations

Tacky and rude.

This question always attracts polarised views and many people really dislike the poem approach - view it as dressing something up when you should really just say more from the heart.

Personally I don't like asking for money at all and we feel our guests are already carrying a significant cost in coming to our wedding anyway - two nights in a hotel, travel, clothes etc etc. Plus it's not the first time either of us has been married, we live together etc, etc, etc. So what I'm putting on our invitations is:

Presents - you're being with us is enough and we will be so delighted if you can just share our day.

If people come and ask you if you'd like a gift or money then it's fine, but I'm not a fan of asking for money up front.

You could say something like -

Presents/Gifts - You're sharing our day is enough and we are lucky to have everything we need. If you really do want to give something, then contributions to our honeymoon fund would be lovely but please do not feel obliged in anway.

Perfectly acceptable x

I don't like poems either - too tacky. I prefer to give vouchers rather than cash personally such as Travel vouchers for a honeymoon, Ikea, B & Q, M & S vouchers. I don't know why (maybe it's just me) but I feel giving cash makes me feel that I've paid for attending.

I think they are rubbish and agree with older members of your family. I certainly don't think they are 'the done thing' either.

If you search this site you'll find LOADS of threads about this topic.

Also, to dispel the myth you will NOT end up with 5 toasters. We hadn't set up home together when we got married and we got no toasters. In fact we mentioned nothing on our invites and got mostly money anyway

I am not putting anything in my invitations regarding gifts and it looks like the vast amount of people are giving us money, their choice. If you don't say anything, that seems to be what happens.

No you don't. You'd like the money so that you can afford to go on honeymoon, (nothing wrong with that) but let's be honest, a honeymoon is not a necessity is it?

Opinions regarding asking for money tend to be divided on hitched, some say it's rude, other say it's ok. But I think most hitchers are unanimous that if you are going to ask for money, then an honest and sincere request from you to your guests is a far better way to go than a twee and chiched ditty.

For me it depends on the couple. One wedding I went to the couple asked for money, I knew they were starting out on their own and really needed the money to get them going, they were both fresh out of uni, moving in together for the first time and had literally nothing to start a home with. I happily contributed. Another couple I know also asked for money, but they had spent ages bragging about how many thousands they had spent on the wedding (and it was a LOT). Had there been no mention of gifts at all I probably would have given them a cash gift, but I was irked by them being brazen enough to ask for money (using a money poem, incidentally) while bragging about how much they had spent on the wedding. In that case I donated to charity in their name instead.

Seriously, this again?!

I always thought that I wouldn't like to receive a money poem. We have recently received a wedding invite from a close friend with a poem in it, and to be honest, I really didn't think much of it. At the end of the day, if that's what they would like for a gift then I personally would like to give them something that they would like to receive.

If I bought them a photo frame instead, for instance, then the style might be of my taste and not necessarily theirs.

For instance, for our wedding, my OH doesn't drink (at all) so if we don't ask for anything, which discussions are ongoing as my OH doesn't think there is anything wrong with sending out poems/polite notes etc and if we got bottles of champagne then its only me who is going to get the enjoyment out of it.

Im sorry 'Knees' I thought this was an open forum for people to post and request opinions etc. I dont have time to come on this forum everyday to see every post that comes up to realise this question was asked frequently. But thank you for your useful feedback on the subject! ?

Thanks to everyone for your feedback. Out of the 6 weddings I have been to in the last 2 years, 5 have had the poems so I assumed they were the norm now. I will have a re-think on the subject.

Here's a link to the thread on this from a few days ago - might be helpful to read

https://www.hitched.co.uk/chat/forums/t/436639.aspx

Thank you ?

Why have a re-think? If its what you are happy with and you know your family/friends will be ok with it then do it, its your wedding and you know your guests better than anyone. This forum is great for differing opinions and when people ask for suggestions/opinions then be prepared to get them lol... and they can really can help make decisions that you're struggling with, however, they're just other peoples opinions and don't matter a jot as they wont be at your wedding..

Lol! ? Very true, but I really dont want to offend any of our guests. I personally dont mind it at all when people mention cash as a gift, but its does seem to be a younger generation 'thing'. Its just so hard trying to please everyone, like you say though - its our day and we have to do what we want at the end of the day

These things cluster. I've have attended tens of weddings and never received a poem gift/money request. I have only ever received one gift list card in an invitation. All the rest have been blissfully polite ?

In fact, I received an invitation two weeks ago, from a very good friend. The first thing I did was to frantically scan the invitation/info with baited breath and thumping heart bit dramatic, hoping against hope that there was no mention of gifts. There wasn't and I actually felt dreadful for doubting her.

I will repost my opinion from the thread linked above:

We asked for nothing, we got cash. I don't understand the panic that sets in at the idea of receiving....shock....an actual gift, that people feel the need to be directive. And when you're being directive about people gifting you money, it's always rude. And if you're having a big budget wedding and spunking money on Jimmy Choos yet not offering your guests a bit of a free bar and STILL asking for cash gifts, my head starts to turn Exorcist style.

You could use one of those truly dreadful and would stop being friends with you poems - I gather this automatically renders the request perfectly acceptable....*

I once pondered a survey of OMs to see who asked for what, by which method, and what they received regarding cash gifts. I could work out average gifts per guest etc. i think this would thoroughly and comprehensively destroy this pervasive notion that you need to ask for cash in invitations in order to receive cash gifts.

*This statement is, of course, not true. It is still as rude as ever - a poem just shows how keenly you feel that.

We used one - I was a bit worried it was naff but haven't had any negative feedback about it - well not to our faces

Can I ask what the views are on gift lists then?? For me cash really is a bit of a lazy gift and I would feel very uncomfortable giving or recieving cash from my friends. I have however always hoped that when I get married we would start this phase of our lives with some traditional special gifts I.e crockery set, pans, knives that we would always think of as "our wedding xxx" it's a large part of the reason we have never spent huge money teplacing ikea/argos things from our uni days

so we either say nothing and then get the uncomfortable cash, set up gift list and not tell anyone (seems a bit counterproductive) or gift list with details in the invite. OH sees no issues with the final approach, to be honest I didn't think I did until I started reading all these topics on hitched! No doubting myself!!

We didn't mention gifts on our invitations at all. Lots of people asked our parents what to get us so we told them cash or vouchers so that's what we got.

Personally I don't like the poems at all.

I was discussing this with my step-daughter to be the other day - she gets wed on 17th May. The problem with some store gift lists is they list each item seperately - eg 7" saucepan, 9" saucepan etc all at full price rather than the heavily discounted sets that clearly provide much better value for money. Similarly, a lot of gift lists don't allow you to mark something off if you haven't bought it from that list holder, thus forcing either the gifter to pay more or for the couple to end up with 5 toasters.

Personally, I don't like "store" gift lists. In the olden days - you'd get a small notepad and on each page write what you'd like allowing people to take out the age/pages they wanted so they could shop around and you did only get one toaster - well actually I never got any toasters. I did get a wok that I hadn't asked for though and it was fab lol. Element of surprise can be good ;(

It is more accepted these days to ask for money instead of gifts. We struggled to find a poem, as you say a lot of them are quite rude and use teh word money or cash in it. We used this one and no-one said anything negative at all about it...

We know it’s traditional to write a list
But in this case there is a slight twist
Our home is complete with the usual stuff
And the things that we have are good enough
Our dream is to honeymoon in a foreign land
And walk along the beach hand in hand
We hope you don’t think of us as being rude
And that our request is not misconstrued
But a contribution to our honeymoon pot
Would be appreciated such a lot
But the most important thing to say
Is that you are there to celebrate our day!

I was brought up to believe it is rude to ask for money, no matter how you dress up the request. I find money poems obnoxious and tacky. If you must ask for cash, be honest about it. Personally, I'd be inclined to give you a gift anyway but thats me.

I think it really depends on your guests, and you're the only one that knows what they'll best respond to. I know that mine are a pretty chilled out group, and not very easily offended. Having said that, we are coming at this fresh, with basically no appliances/utensils of our own, so we probably will have a gift list, and just stick a web address in the invite. But if all we wanted was money, I don't think I'd have an issue with just saying it. I think badly-worded and rhymed poems are not so much rude, but just a bit naff really :L

I don't think there's anything wrong with mentioning gifts, because it's a wedding after all, and everyone knows that giving gifts is normal at a wedding.

Personally, I can't stand wedding poems. I find them incredibly rude. They always say rubbish like "we've got our pots and pans, and blah, blah blah, so what we want is your cash". Really rude. I also find the notion of asking for cash gifts really rude, and would be mortified if any of my friends or family gave me cash.

Traditionally, gifts were given to the bride and groom to start their new home and new life together, because they woulnd't have lived together first. Obviously, that's not the case nowadays, and couples do live together, so have lots of things. So I kind of feel that when that's the case there should be no gifts requested at all. If someone really wants to get you something then they can buy you something they want to, that they feel is appropraite. Chances are the guests all know you or your groom pretty well to have been invited to your day, so they will choose something you will like or find useful.

And if it's a hideous gift, you could always sell it on eBay, or donate it to charity once you've sent out a thank you card.

I'm with the majority on this one... I find them tasteless and rude.. We didn't put anything on our invites, nor on our website. We couldn't ask people for gifts even if we wanted to, we are marrying in antigua, they've shelled out enough money to cone all that way for us!

X

After seeing so many of these threads I thought I'd just say I don't mind them, I mean personally I can't stand poems, for me they're pretty cringeworthy, (future FIL showed me a 'good one' to which I just mumbled about cus didn't have the heart to tell him I'm not a fan) but it's never mortally offended me on seeing one in an invitation, And I certainly don't mind the fact that it's a request for money. I genuinely never even realised it was a potential issue til joining hitched, (where they generally seem to be considered evil! :-D ) it has to be a family/friends thing I think, I've never been to a wedding where a gift list or money poem or equivalent wasn't included with the invite, n I have no objection to them what so ever, and when the time comes we will more than likely pop a gift list card thing in with ours, nothing else, no mention of it or poem. If people want to use it great, if they don't great, doesn't matter but for me and for our group of friends and family it's just the done/expected thing. Obviously it's more a minefield if you know that your guests might take offence to it, but you should know them we'll enough to know if they'd mind!

As an aside we were recently invited to a wedding which we unfortunately couldn't go to, where the gift list was mainly things like a £350 ice bucket, £120 per piece plates, a £400 soup tureen (a ruddy soup tureen!!) , a kitchen aid and oodles more!!! ( there were a few bits and bobs for the £20-30 mark) Admittedly that was a bit of an eye opener, but it still didn't offend me, nor make me think any less of them, if we'd have gone we'd have just picked one of the smaller items on there!!

We did this too.

No mention of gifts in our invites.

Most have 'taken the hint' and a small handful of people have asked and we've told them our next adventure after the wedding is to buy a house, so money to save towards our deposit, or if prefer not to give cash, home shops (b&q, homebase, next at home) vouchers or a gift for our new home when we eventually get there. I think our parents have been passing on the same message too.

i imagine most will just go for money.

I really don't mind money poems at all. In general, I find it much easier if someone does include a gift list or money request so that I can get them something they actually want. I'd never dream of turning up to a wedding empty handed, so may as well not spend hours trying to find the perfect gift and get the happy couple something they need/want, whether it's money towards a honeymoon or the cute salt and pepper shakers that my friend wanted!

Saying this, we aren't including a gift list or poem in our invites

I have received gift lists and money poems and I do not mind if that's what they want to do but I do think some poems do come across very rude so I understand why most people dislike them. Personally i always ask the bride/groom if there is something in particular they would like for a gift if they haven't said. We won't be using gift lists or money request poems for ours but we will be saying something along the lines of your attendance means more to us than any gift as there is a gift list part on our passport invites or we may just scrap that section all together. We will probably sit down and discuss what we could say if people do ask what we would like but that's it.

I just sent an invite requesting their attendance. For us them being there is all we wanted and like others have said if you don't put anything money or vouchers is normally given.

We're not putting anything in our invites as I don't like the idea of asking for money. We have a wishing well so if people want to put money in then it's up to them. We are not telling guests but my uncle has recently been diagnosed with a very rare illness and has a lot of care from a charity that have been a rock to our family so we have decided to donate any wedding money to the charity and send out with the thank you cards where the money went.

A friend of ours gets married in June and we got a wedding gift list from b&q, I was very confused thinking what do they want nails? But when I logged on it was a gift donation for a new kitchen for there house, I thought it was a really good idea as it was something towards their house!

i suppose it's each to their own, I wouldn't be offended if I received an invite with a poem for money as it is the norm nowadays.

Xx

I don't think it's rude to ask for money; in many cultures it's considered the norm. I'd much rather know what the couple wanted whether that be cash or specified gifts from a list. We have been upfront and told people that we are saving for a honeymoon and have left it there. My understanding of the etiquette is that as a day guest you take along a gift that is sufficient to cover the cost of your meal. The format of that gift to me is irrelevant.

In terms of poems we didn't use one because we preferred to get straight to the point, although my cousin has used one in her invitations. I think that stems from the belief that asking for money is rude and so people feel that they need to 'hide' the request in some way.

Ultimately as others have said it's your wedding, so do it your way. If you are worried about certain family members thinking asking for money is rude, maybe consider putting the poem on a separate piece of paper and not including it in their invitations. That's quite a faff though and they'll probably still find out about it! I've learned to live with the judgement and shrug it off. For example I love both of my nans dearly and I know they would prefer it if I was getting married in a church, but that's not right for me so I'm bit doing it. They may not agree with my choice but they'll still be there on the day and they'll be happy for me. Someone will always disagree with some aspect of your plans no matter what you do!

So pleased I came across this thread ,

We was just taking about these poems last night and I do think they are rude and tacky , I think I will do what most say and not mention gifts