Gifts: do you have expectations?

Not out of touch I think that is down right rude to ask for more! We had no expectations with gifts we did do a wedding list as we didn't know how to answer the question what would you like as a gift and the list made it easier but some people gave us cash and some got us cool stuff not on the list and some guests didn't give a gift.

I think it's horrendous attitude to expect a certain amount that should be received and you shouldn't budget a wedding on this. It should be budgeted on what people can afford - I also don't believe in taking out loans for weddings either!

Weddings are expensive for people to attend in our case we were very conscious of this so gave guests as many options as possible - e.g. we had camping on site for £5, there was no paying bar it was wine beer or cider or bring your own and we arranged car shares for people so they didn't have to pay for taxi's and if people wanted to get us a gift from the list then our cheapest item was £1 and the most expensive was £100 with most items being around the £5-10 mark.

I don't think you should ever expect a gift - we always give a gift when we go to weddings - usually £50 cash or £25 if evening guests I know this doesn't cover the cost of meals for the both of us but its what we can afford.

I think I know which website you're referring to! It's shocking that anyone would complain a gift wasn't enough, so rude. As is not saying thankyou.

Hi!

I'm definitely not expecting anything because we aren't going to be asking for anything.

We aren't having the traditional wedding set up and are having an early ceremony and then some lunch , because that is all we can afford on our budget. After that everyone will be going home.

Many of our guests will have travelled for quite a while and i know how expensive attending weddings can be. I would feel a bit rude expecting anything from anyone after they would have spent money on clothes and travel for just a few hours of the day.

I literally just choked on my pasta when I read about contacting them for more money! No way in a million years would I even consider that!! I personally haven't asked anyone for anything and I have no list of wanted items or anything, o have told people my gift from them is them coming to celebrate my wedding with me! I have had family buy me things for the wedding and I have been so grateful, but if I don't get any gifts at the wedding I would not mind one bit, I will just be happy to be married to the love of my life and have had everyone be there for us

We have budgeted for us to pay for everything and aren't booking anything on the expectation that we'll be recouping those costs.

We aren't asking for anything and are being as vague as possible when people ask us face to face as I feel uncomfortable saying "give me this".

Expectation wise, I don't have any as on my side we haven't really had a lot of weddings so I have no idea what they are used to giving. There are 2 friends of OH's parents who I have a rough idea because of what his parents gave their children at their weddings.

And for the last point - absolutely not. If we get nothing from anyone, there is no chance I will ever ask anybody for money, or complain about anything we do get.

I give what I consider to be a reasonable amount that is what I can afford. If someone is disappointed with that against their choice of expensive meal then that's their problem. If they contacted me to say they feel I should have given more that would be the end of that friendship as I consider it downright rude! A wedding present of cash is a gift not a debt and attending a wedding comes with expenses. Petrol, travel costs, accommodation, outfits, drinks etc.

For myself we eloped so didn't expect to receive any gifts and specified no gifts. We received an expensive gift from the two friends who came with us and from my mother in-law, a small but meaningful gift from my son and his family and a few gifts from friends but most people didn't buy us a gift but sent cards. Of course I have no bad feelings towards those who didn't buy, they weren't invited and I specified no gifts.

We popped a card in with invitations saying we don't want anything but if you do want to do something then surprise us.

It was already decided we would do this before joining the forum but since then have read many a thread saying that it's really rude and distasteful, so I didn't do anything for the evening invites.

However we are now in the extremely uncomfortable position of people attending the evening asking us what we want. It's lovely that people feel the need to want to give us something but we honestly don't NEED or want anything. I find it really awkward telling people this! Then the worst question comes: "Cash then?" PLEASE DON'T ASK ME THIS!! Yes, money would be lovely, but don't ask me if I want any!

Who on gods green earth calls people to ask for more?!!! Big no no!!!

I remember being on a baby forum when pregnant and this girl had a gift register for her baby shower and she was bitching that no one had purchased the big ticket items like the pram/cot/nursery furniture etc and was sending letters to all invited to complain about it!!!!

Who do these people think they are?!!!

Cheeky moo! Never heard of the shower one before. Maybe she would like people to pay for nursery fees or childmindng costs, school trips, uni fees, kids first car?

Oh, I remember the baby shower one (on another well know pregnancy website) and yeah... the whole shower concept is self indulgent to begin with, I mean who throws a party where they demand you bring a gift anyway?

Our wedding and honeymoon were both paid in full in advance, using money we have saved so no finance. We also had a good amount saved for honeymoon spends.

We didn't have any gift expectations. We knew what a couple of people bought us in advance because they told us, but otherwise we had no expectations and we were genuinely bowled over at the generosity of our loved ones. We had a Wesding List so received gifts, gift vouchers and cash. We have recently ordered an expensive new dining table and chairs with the money and vouchers, which is what we said in our thank notes we would do.

It is never okay to make any suggestion to a guest that their gift or lack of has been inadequate. I was a bit put out by one of my BMs - she didn't give us anything on the day but I saw her a few days later and she gave us a card. I opened it and she said "there should be some cash in there" but she looked over and there wasn't, so she said "oh dear, I'll get that to you" and she never has. Whilst I'm a bit put out that she bought us nothing after being friends for 18 years and us paying for everything for the BMs (and they've been allowed to keep everything), I'm more put out that she played this little game of pretending there was money in the card knowing there wasn't. I am also a little annoyed at my cousins (aged 28 and 34), whose travel here and spends were paid by their Dad, and we didn't get so much as a card from them.

However, I will never mention these things as it is rude.

I think most people give presents around the £30 mark, but I'd be really upset if someone asked me to give me more after the event!!

Sandy x

We'll be asking for money towards our honeymoon however, we can afford to pay for this ourselves so any cash that we are given is a bonus.

I would never demand more money from people. That is so rude. Who even does that? You never know a person's financial situation and that may be all that they can afford to give you.

That said however, my OH told me that he went to a wedding where about 10 of his friends got one card between them and stuck odd change in there when they were all day guests. This would really annoy me as I think that it shows a lack of thought and manners and is just plain rude! So I would be annoyed if they did this for our wedding. If you can't afford much then at least have the courtesy to get the couple a nice card per person/couple.

Baby showers, I'm not keen on. There is the blatant expectation to bring a gift plus you have to buy another gift when the baby arrives. I won't be having one when I have a baby. Plus any party with no booze is not my idea of fun :-)

x

I'd like to know who these crazy people are who are paying for their weddings with credit? I think they are absolutely nuts! We're spending just over 20K on ours but have saved during an extended engagement to afford it - no way would we ever have put it on a credit card or paid for it with a loan!

I have no expectations for gifts at our wedding- bu I'm not going to sit here and say that I won't be happy if people feel the need to give us something.

We haven't specified any gifts at all- no notes in our invitation, no wedding list etc - but when people have gone out of their way to ask us what we want, we've asked for cash. This is for two reasons: 1) we haven't got any space in our flat to store gifts that can be used when we get a house 2) we'll be going away on honeymoon and it would be nice to have some spending money but we have spending money put away and we're not relying on people to pay for us.

I honestly wouldn't mind if people didn't bring a gift though- or if they gave £5 instead of someone giving £50.

The one thing I hate though is people who don't give cards- you can get cards for 20p nowadays.. ?

Ohhh that's so rude!

I would NEVER ask for more! Actually, we'd rather people didn't get us anything if we're honest haha we're not getting married to get presents, and my parents are paying so they wouldn't get any of our cash gifts anyway?

Very silly idea!

I'm dreading this bit! We aren't putting anything on the invitations about gifts but we are doing a small gift list. If anyone asks then they will be pointed in that direction. If they don't then they can use their imagination!

I was going to say no gifts but we are inviting the people we love the most and I know they will want to give us something. They know us pretty well so I'm expecting gifts rather than cash (we don't really give money) but we are a "gift giving" type of family. Honestly - any good news, doesn't matter what it is, we have a card & gift ready for it haha!

We didn't have any expectations of gifts. We didn't mention gifts in our invitations, and we mostly received cash.

It is never OK to contact a guest to ask them for more.

We put as much as we could through our credit cards for frequent flyer points, but we pay off our credit cards every month. I personally wouldn't go into debt for a wedding, but I am sure there are heaps of people who do.

I don't really care what guests give us for a gift. I didn't want to put anything mentioning gifts on the invitation but then people kept scaring me by saying I'd end up with 30 pairs of champagne flutes and 10 toasters! We live together and we have a lot of stuff already in the house and there's literally nothing I need! I tend to buy anything I fancy - impulsive lol!

I tried doing a gift list but came up with all of 4 things - I've since bought one and two of the other's I'm getting for my birthday in less than a month!

I did a HoneyFund in the end and spent a lot of time getting photos for each 'gift' on it, personalising it to our trip, looking up what we could do and buy on our honeymoon etc. (We've got 2 weeks in Sri Lanka if you're interested). So far feedback from guests has been great and they all think its a fab idea!

As for if anyone ever contacted me asking for more money after a wedding, I'd send them more money and then send them a bill for the cost of my dress, shoes, taxi fares, drinks etc. and ask them to pay for my expenses if I'm paying for theirs!!

We have budgeted our wedding and honeymoon assuming that we don't receive any gifts, and we're not putting anything in our invitations about gifts. I will set up a Honeyfund account or similar, but I'll only tell people about it if we're asked what we want.

I know people who have done this but I wouldn't be comfortable (thats why I dont have credit cards) I like savings and not being in debt too much

but then I dont know anyone who has had a £20k wedding... thats pretty much unheard of here, starter houses can be bought for that so thats morgage level not credit card level - I would say £1000 - £5000 is average among people I know with the odd bigger and fancier weddings going up to £12000

Ok, I get that money is relative, but to say it is "sickening" is rather verging on offensive. We're spending £15k on the wedding not including honeymoon without getting into debt, and we'll still have a healthy savings account afterwards. We own our own home, and no-one is contributing to the wedding except us. I don't see how it's anyone's business how much someone else spends on their wedding. You wouldn't say "I know people who spend £80 every week on nights out and it sickens me" - why is it any different if someone decides to save their money and spend it all in one go instead?

I'm kind of offended by "sickens me". My wedding budget is £15K. It was a gift from my parents. We already have a house so we didn't need it for a deposit. We have savings and we would rather spend the money on the wedding. We have splashed out on the venue and are really looking forward to treating our closest family and friends to a fantastic day.

You're sick of people telling you that you having to save is because of poor life choices. No one here said that or judged you. So please don't do it back ?

Maybe I shouldn't have risen to the bait but to be fair you're coming across as a little hostile so maybe we are both just reading this wrong - and not the way it's been intended.

But then the "bank of mum & dad" jibe and "step outside your counting houses" is a bit much. I'm glad you live within your means - so do we. And we know we are incredibly lucky that my parents are able to give us what they have. I'm not judging your budget at all. You will be rightly proud on your wedding day to say that you saved for this and paid it yourself. We can't do that but luckily my parents already had the money sitting to offer us. Different situations.

The wedding budget discussion is always a sensitive one it's different horses for different courses what one person would spend another one would be shocked at! I remember one thread of a poster getting slated for her budget of 40K.

If you can afford it and you want to spend it then go for it - our wedding cost 8.5K my bridesmaid's wedding was 30K+ their choice and their day :-)

Personally it wouldn't be my choice but it's up to the individual not for anyone to ever comment on money or how people spend or save it - unfortunately money discussions always end up a bit ugly!

It's definitely never okay to contact a guest after the wedding to ask for more (or to ask for a gift at all).

We don't have a gift list, haven't put anything in the invitations, and aren't asking for anything. We've saved for years so that our wedding will be paid for in advance, our honeymoon will be all inclusive and we will have spending money for it already. But if people give us money then we will certainly appreciate it and put it to good use. It would be nice if people gave us a nice card with a handwritten message as that feels like something personal that we might keep.

Even if you are expecting money (which I can understand, especially as guests will often tell you in advance that they are giving you money), the amount someone gives as a present shouldn't be compared to the cost per guest. It's a gift for the future, they're not paying you back for the meal. If people do give us money, I hope that they stay within their means and are happy with the amount they give. I wouldn't want a friend to feel stressed out about providing money for a gift on top of buying a new outfit, paying for taxis, drinks, maybe even taking annual leave from work or paying for a babysitter, etc. I feel most comfortable not asking for any gifts and leaving my guests to make their own judgement call about what they feel they should do.

Miffy1980 that's a good point but my parents saved this specifically for our wedding or house deposit. They've done the same for my sister. They're not ridiculously well off but they're good at saving. They also go on like 5 holidays a year so it's also not like they stay at home and don't have a life to do this for us.

It's one thing if they were getting in debt to do this or it was putting a strain on their household finances - then of course we wouldn't even dream of it. But they've saved for this for years (and talked about it for years haha!) so we always knew they would do this. It's what they want - I think they see it as a tradition. You know, the brides family pay, and they want to do that. They've been really good about it as well. The guest list is all people we want - even the friends they asked if they could invite were already on the list. So it's not like they are controlling with it either. We are incredibly lucky to have them!

Maybe if we were in a position to do it ourselves I would feel different but because we have just bought our first house we just can't do a wedding as well. Not without a few years to save anyway.

'Sickening'? That is a bit rude. Why is it sickening? My partner and I have saved up this money by ourselves to have the day we want as it will be our only wedding in our lives. We have already saved up and bought our home. Why does it 'sicken' you what other people choose to spend on THEIR wedding day. It might be just one day but for us it is the only day that will ever be just about us and we wished to have the best day we possibly could at our favourite hotel.

Wow OK I'll graduate a bit rude to very rude. Well your comment on the cost of weddings was clearly in response to my message about spending just over 20K which explains my response . I really don't care what you think about my wedding but if you comment on something in that harsh way you must expect people to respond with their own feelings and opinions.

As was mentioned earlier, money is relative, as is what is valued in a wedding. Wedding costs can wary widely depending on how long a day you are having (for example, we are having a whole day due to doing two ceremonies and then reception), how many guests etc. Each wedding is unique and therefore the costs will be different! As long as each couple is comfortable with what they spend, it really is up to them to manage their own finances and chose what they want to focus on for their big day.

In terms of parents contributing, I agree with DreamsComeTrue. I am not expecting my parents contribute, nor do I require them to, but they have explicitly stated a wish to do so. I think for many, especially where couples already own a house, many parents see contributing to the wedding day as their 'last chance' to help their children and so it is something they are keen to do.

Honestly I think you're just enjoying the fight now.

I'm afraid I'm another who has taken offence to your comments pinkx. I understand completely where you are coming from that you personally wouldn't spend that amount on a wedding. But the part that it's quite clear most people have an issue with is you calling it 'sickening'. You are of course entitled to your own opinion and you are free to do whatever you want with your own wedding, but don't bash others for doing the same thing.

Personally for me and my OH, our wedding day was very important to us for a number of reasons I don't need to justify. Because of those reasons, we never considered doing it on a budget. But I wouldn't dream of saying it sickens me that other people do so. Do you see where I'm coming from?
Judging people who spend a lot seems more acceptable than judging people who aren't spending much, and yet it is the couple's choice and if they aren't harming others, it isn't anyone's place to comment.

Our wedding is costing around 20k not including honeymoon - I earn less than this per year. No high flying career here.

We own a home already - but just the one, doesn't take long to count!

And none of our wedding is paid for by the bank of mum and dad.

I'm not going to feel bad for the wedding I'm having, but I'm also not going to look down on people who aren't spending what we are, regardless of their reasons.

Again I will repeat myself as the message doesn't seem to get through.

Have your opinion, that's totally fine. The problem is the way you word it. Comments like 'go back to counting your houses', suggesting that everything we are all having must be from the 'bank of mum and dad', saying that our choices 'sicken you' are simply not necessary, you can voice your opinion just as well without making comments like that.

All I'm saying is think about your wording. The last part of your post 'I couldn't part with that much of my money for one day' is all you needed to say, and there are many other people in this thread who have said the same thing and nobody has taken offence to it. Instead you decided to attack what you assumed our lifestyles to be.