Green eyed monster…. it of a moan

What matters most to you - a 'proper' proposal or a long-lasting marriage to the man you love and who loves you? A proposal is great. When it's romantic, its lovely but I'm sure there are many brides to be and OMs here who never had a proper proposal. Marriage isn't about all the hearts and roses and fluffy stuff - it's about being with the person you love and making a life with them.

If he did take you somewhere romantic this weekend, get down on one knee and propose to you by candelight would you feel any better? I think you'd probably end up feeling that you'd forced him into that as well.

Is the real issue that you feel he doesn't want to marry you as much as you want to marry him? Are you perhaps feeling that as this is his 3rd marriage, that it doesn't mean as much? I think you need to think about what the real issue is and work it out from there x

If your H2B didn't want to marry you he wouldn't have bought a ring - just because he didn't pull out all the stops doesn't mean he loves you any less than this guy from work

What is a proper proposal anyway - what you see in the movies?? As that rarely happens in real life

I asked my partner to marry me, I don't feel robbed at all, I feel lucky he said yes - don't dwell on something you cant change

My H2B would have possibly never proposed without a little prompting...we were quite careful to not agree to marry as a result of an argument about when we were going to get engaged though! I believe his words were something along the lines of....well, I haven't got a ring....but....erm..... This was about as romanitc as I was going to get but I was over the moon. I did sometimes wish I had a more romantic proposal story to tell when people asked but it really doesn't matter.

What matters is that this is right for you and what you really want. If it is right, then worries about the past just shouldn't matter. Just focus on the planning and the future.

Aw sorry to hear you're feeling like this

I was in a similar position in that my OH really wanted to have a baby, but i always wanted to get married first. I told him that if he wanted a baby we had to get married first, he then poposed a couple of months later... so i suppose i could look at it that i wouldnt have had a proposal if i hadn't pushed for one... But, the fact we aready bought a house together and have a dog, and are talking of starting a family is enough for me to know i didn't 'force' him in to something he didn't want. it was just a case of setting priorities.

Did you get a 'proper' proposal with your previous two fiancees? If you did, i think it just goes to show you can do things the 'right' way and things don't work out!

I think it's normal to have a little bit of proposal envy, no matter how it happened for you. but that doesn't mean your OH doesn't want to marry you as much as the guy at work wants to marry his new gf...

Hi and thanks for the reply J

I know that if it happened now it wouldn’t make me feel any better and you’re totally right, I would feel like I’ve pushed him into it.

The 3rd marriage thing doesn’t bother me. This is my 3rd engagement and I have cancelled 2 weddings (at short notice) because it wasn’t right so I kind of know how he feels/how I feel about it.

Your right, the marriage comes when all the lovely stuff has been and gone. It’s what’s left afterwards J

I just feel like we could have done better than an agreement….

Why? The marriage itself is a contract, after all!

Remember, this guy has moved to the other end of the country to be with you, unhindered! That's a pretty big call. I know you have also given up stuff and moved around, and it is not easy, but it does show how much it means to be together. Take it and run with it, it is actually quite a romantic story in itself!

Yea I did and your right.

Im being an idiot arnt i?

Someone slap me please.....

One of our readings that H2B picked out sums it up perfectly....

Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.

Thanks for thr replies ladies, I really have been a prize idiot.....

I don't think you've been an idiot - you've been human. We all have our dreams of how things will be and in reality things are often much more down to earth. I remember being in Blackpool for a family weekend about three years ago. We were all in the pleasure beach and a small aeroplane flew over pulling a banner -the banner was a proposal....how amazing, romantic and wonderful. I would have died to have had something like that - many of us would - but it's very few that do.

What you do have is a man that loves you and wants to marry you and vice versa and that is all that matters - although an ounce of romance sometimes would be nice......... xx

I'd been harrassing my OH for YEARS to propose to me. I've sinced joked that I finally worn him down, but he said he was only going to do it when he wanted to anyway. The conversations in our house used to go like this:

"what do you want for your birthday?" "a ring"

"what do you want for christmas?" "a ring"

"what do you want for breakfast?"...you get the picture. Whether you prompted him or not, he still wants to spend the rest of his life with you, that's no small promise

Like others I don't think you've been an idiot, just that you need to think slightly longer term.

I and OH's mother effectively maneuvered OH into proposing by giving him a date for the engagement party, and I'd even drawn up the invitations before he "proposed"! We'd been talking about it for years though, so it wasn't like it was without his consent - our wedding day will be 6 years since we met.

When he did propose, he didn't really at all - it was by shoving a gift bag into my hands on the way out to dinner (and yes, that was it). So I do feel that there hasn't been a question asked at all, just a sort of fait accompli, and it was a slight anti-climax after what was 4.5 years together.

But, as others have said, what we have done is formed a partnership and melded our families together, so that the whole process has been collaborative and inclusive. We've had a tricky 18 months since, but I really do feel like we're becoming a team, as the marriage courses say you should, and in a way that started because we agreed together to get married.

What matters, really, is what you feel when you consider a future together - that's the only important thing.

We agreed to get married without a big proposal too. Similar to other posts, i constantly went on about getting married and it seemed that every birthday and Christmas both me and everyone else was holding their breath waiting to see if this was the year he would propose. I actually thought that was a bit unfair and put pressure on him, so one day i just said that we should talk about it properly, agree that its what we both want and put some sort of timescale on it. So we agreed that we would do it before the end of 2015, and we would buy a ring later this year. Romantic or what?!! As it turned out we got the ring about 2 weeks later when we were shopping in manchester. It went from lets have a look, to lets pick one we like, to lets go in the shop for a closer look, to lets try this one on, to lets buy it and oh look we're properly engaged! He never has actually said the words 'will you marry me' but i couldn't care less.....getting the ring when we did was all his idea and in its own way really sweet and romantic, and i cant wait to marry him

Then tell him you want a proper proposal I did with mine and he was more than happy to oblige. He's now proposed to me abut 6 times in various different ways bless. men don't think about it the way we do, they don't tend to get all emotional and gooey over it so quite often they don't understand how important the little things are. Just tell him and I'm sure he'll be more than happy to do it properly for you xx

OH and I had discussed marriage "sometime in the future" loads. We even went shopping together to buy the engagement ring. He had it for months before proposing, and I kept hinting (heavily!) about a proposal, pointing out romantic things we were doing, "ideal times" etc. Eventually we were in bed watching tv and I was teasing him about it again, and he said "What if I just propose to you now?". Admittedly, he did then get down on one knee, but it was hardly the spontaneous ultra-romantic proposal you see in the movies. (Especially as my dream has always been for a proposal on the top of Mount Fuji at sunrise - slightly scuppered by lack of funds & the fact that OH suffers badly from altitude sickness lol)

I do sometimes wonder a little bit if I'd pushed OH into it, but when I speak to him about it there's no question he wants this just as much as I do. You're bound to get these feelings from time to time - I think it's just part of the fact that we girls are sold such grand, romantic ideas about how weddings and proposals should be whereas for a lot of men it's still almost something that magically happens and they turn up to.

My H2B proposed while taking out the bins hahaha.

We had talked about it for ages and he told all my friends that he was going to do it before I turned 30. it didn't happen and eventually people stopped nagging him about it (not me I hasten to add - but friends and family. Once I had hit 30 I decided that I just wanted to be with him and if it meant waiting longer for ring then i was prepared to wait!).

One day about 6 months later he went out and bought a ring out of the blue without me knowing and asked me the very same night! We were going out somewhere posh to celebrate a promotion I got and he had the ring with him the whole evening - but the 'moment' wasn't right between the rowdy crowd in the restaurant and our friends all being in the pub we went to after so it was at 1am after we had got home that he eventually did it!

Wasn't romantic in the usual sense but I wouldn't change it for the world - and we share a little smile every time he takes the bins out now haha. We even had little bin bag shaped cakes at our engagement do tee hee.

The most important thing is sharing your life with him - not how he asked you to be his wife. Try and stop dwelling on it and enjoy planning your big day.

My oh and I were getting nagged left right and centre about getting engaged to the point I'd had enough and even nagged him myself. I shook myself and snapped out of it and realised there is more to life than a proposal. Then his best friend kept appearing at our house and every time I was at work/finishing my oh was with his best friend and I started to get really ratty and even snapped at my staff "oh great I'm ridiculously busy but hey it's ok cause they have come in to rub in they have the day off and yet again il go home to find people round when all I want is a god damn pj night!" Turns out they were shopping for my ring *hangs head in shame and embarrassment* I even thought he was about to insult me when he proposed as we were getting ready to go out and I asked if I looked ok to which he replied I think something's missing. I was ready to get on the defensive after months of his best mate practically living with us and then saying my new dress wasn't up to scratch bug then he got on one knee haha. I think every girls dreams of getting whisked away to a sandy beach with a romantic moon lit walk and cocktails but in reality most of us don't get that. You can have the fanciest proposal I the world it's not going to make a marriage last and that's what's important. You may have not got the proposal but if you can get the 60 year marriage then you will forget the proposal x

That sounds kinda like mine - in front of the TV, watching Match Of The Day but it wasn't planned and I didn't know he had the ring. He has since said that he wishes it had been a more grand proposal - but I don't care!