Groom is being a 'mare!

Wow that's not making it very easy on you. I understand a bit - my OH said from the very beginning that he didn't want an 'evening do', no big party or first dance etc. I was upset to start with, but then I realised I was more worried about what other people would think about not being invited. So there is only going to be 24 of us to celebrate. My OH doesn't like being the centre of attention either.

The thing is though, there has to be give and take. He told me what he didn't really want so I listened and in return he's letting me have things he wouldn't be fussed about. I know he wouldn't want to do a speech either so I've just asked my Dad to say a few words.

I think your OH might be being a bit harsh though. Would he be happier if a family member or someone you knew took photographs? Or does he just want no photos at all?

Mmm I'm sort of to and fro here. H2B wants to wing it for our first dance, my Dad was a dance teacher so learning to dance means a lot to me. H2B also wanted a really nice venue, and I couldn't justify spending £4,000 for a venue and a bit of food and a live band..no disco!

Have you sat down properly and discussed how you both feel? I say this because when it's just said in passing it can be very sharp and you have time to stew on things in bedtween.Get out, go for a pub meal or a walk and talk! And not just lightly, really, really talk! why does he not want a reading? A reading can be something that personal to the both of you, literally! You don't need to make him like something from a wedding textbook.

As for photography, would he OK some family photos? Even some families and friends can turf out the best photos. As I recently learnt, your photographer just needs to be an assigned person. So it could be a family member or friend? That might make him more comfortable. I can understand he doesn't want to overdo it, I'm the same, but I o think he's being unfair on you. You should be able to have a small, not-too-flashy wedding if he doesn't want to go OTT.

MrsStobe13 xx

PS. Not the only one having groom issues. We were meant to practice our first dance tonight, H2B is fast asleep on the sofa! Too late now! lol

I can totally understand him being uncomfortable about certain aspects of a wedding- both me and my OH are exactly the same about being on show,but he will have to compromise in some way. Re;photography, he may be more comfortable with a photographer who has a reportage style rather than posed pictures...so you just get on with your day whilst he/she snaps away in the background. Re;speeches, perhaps do what we're doing- not planning any,but then after a few glasses of bubbly if someone gets up to say a few words, so be it.

Perhaps make a list of everything and go through it with him and discuss what aspects of certain things he doesn't like,and see if you can leave out some bits and meet in the middle on others? I do hope you manage to sort everything out ...and don't worry that just because you are on a budget that it won't be special, it's not all the trimmings that make it a good day to remember x

This is the part where you're going to learn about what being married is all about . . . lol

How much have you both talked about the issues you have? If it's just been a 'I want this, this and this', with a reply of 'i don't/no way/i won't be there if that happens', then you need to sit down & have a good chat about it & basically learn to both compromise. If you've had lengthy conversations over it, then it may be worth asking each other what you can both do in order to actually both have the wedding day that you both want. I know both parts probably sound like doing the same thing, but i think that you both need to really agree with the day before going any further with your plans, even if that means reconsidering your day.

I can't blame your partner for not wanting loads of fuss during the ceremony, we just had the basic ceremony wording & no readings, although we did carefully choose the music (which we prefered to choosing our own vows & having readings). But, i can see that it would be nice having readings & doing your own vows. My concern over the vows would be having loads of gushing/undying love declarations, etc going on. I'm not very lovey dovey, so i'm run a mile at the thought of standing there going over the top if front of people. I would also find it hard hearing the other person saying it. However, in our brochure from the registrar, there were variations on all the declarations, etc, so we chose what was most appropriate to us. Do you have this option? Can you involve him in the music for your entrance & for during signing the register/photo's? What is it that he doesn't like about readings? Can you compromise with just 1 reading? Or would you be willing to just consider the speeches later on in the day instead of the readings? Could deciding between speeches & readings be a compromise? Speeches needn't be lenghty, in fact, i'd prefer to just have a quick thank you from the groom/bride/father of the bride, instead of a long speech that isn't always appropriate or of interest to the guests. The last wedding we went to (at new year), the best man spoke for half an hour! (about their crazy ibiza holidays mainly!) Which got boring very quickly!

I had an issue with my parent's just before our wedding - my dad has a camcorder. I didn't think anything of it until 2 days before, when my mum casually announced that my dad was going to film the entire day! ? I immediately said 'you're joking, aren't you?!?!'. But she was deadly serious & said my dad had been practising for weeks!!! He'd had the camcorder at my sisters wedding, but didn't have time to use it & planned to make up for it on ours! I told my mum in no uncertain terms, that if he started filming, then i was off, i wouldn't be hanging around, so she better keep dad & his camcorder away form me!!! Anyway, as it turned out, the day flew past without any real opportunity of my dad filming anything, so it worked out ok in the end. But i did feel very uncomfortable on the run up to the day after my mum told me!

The photo's - i have to say that i think his reaction to that one is poor! If you're on a budget, then fine, it's an easy one to scrap & ask family to do the photo's. We didn't have a photographer (due to costs) & asked my sister in law to do the photo's & to do us a photo album as our wedding present. We also have some pics on cd's from my sister & my parents. We have a lovely album, my mum did us a pic in a frame & then we bought a frame with an insert for putting several smaller pics in & have used photo's from sister in law, my sister & my parents in it.

Is the probably no 1st dance, still a probably? Can this be moved to a yes, or if not, into a 'would the guests please join the bride & groom for the 1st dance', get family members on board beforehand so that it's then not left on the evening that no one gets up?

It is hard when you don't like being the centre of attention, it really is. But i do think that you both need to sit & discuss what exactly it is that you both do & don't want from your big day. It will mean some agreements, some meeting in the middle & some disappointments, but the day is about the 2 of you working together!

Thanks everyone and sorry for late reply, my family have been visiting so not had much chance to come on here! We have spoken and basically the readings are to be left out but more meaningful vows can be included. Still no to a photographer, though I imagine at this late stage we'd not get one booked anyway, but he has said that he accepts that he'll not be able to stop the guests taking photos. I probably did come across a whiny bridezilla but I think it's because I don't feel like I've had a lot of say in the wedding, my lovely OH did point out that I had full control over my dress which I'm guessing makes me lucky! ?

Ceremony - I guess it's about compromise. I think he'll regret not making it as special as he can, but that's something you need to work out yourself.

No photographer - you will regret this. Fact.

Bridezilla - not at all.

Control over dress - a given. That's not something you should feel 'lucky' to have and it shouldn't be used as an item 'you are getting your way over, therefore I need to choose something'. Unless you meant to add a winkie face, not a smiley, after your post....

Are we marrying the same person? I have posted on here numerous times with frustrations about my OH that are so similar to yours. We actually postponed the wedding because communication had totally broken down between us. There are threads about this which I can't seem to locate.

It took a lot of talking to finally reach an understanding of what we both wanted from the day. For me, I realised that as long as we got married, nothing else mattered. When I said this to him he started to pull down his barriers. You say that your OH doesn't like being the centre of attention; to me it sounds like there is more than that. My OH has very specific reasons for his aversion to all wedding related things.

We aren't having a photographer despite it being the only thing I stuck my heels in about after our 'breakthrough' understanding. I have just had to accept that OH can't bear the idea. 2-4 guests who are known for being keen about taking photos have been asked to help out which is really the best I'm going to get. No point making it worse for myself by regretting it already.

My OH has started to feel safe with the wedding and now is going to record a song for a first dance. We aren't having a cake, formal meal or speeches. We aren't having a band or DJ, just an ipod. The most important thing is that my OH is getting excited about the day, is interested in seeing and discussing my ideas for decorations and wants to take on tasks himself.I would much rather we had a day to share than one where he was just going through the motions I had decided on.

Talk to your OH about exactly how he sees the day. Try to find out a bit more about his aversion to these things. Finally, don't get carried away with thinking about it and don't make your own decisions without any of his input. These was the most damaging thing that I did. You will have to let go of your ideas and present your OH with a blank canvas so he feels he has some control.

I apologise if this isn't the best advice for you, I can only share my own experience and hope there is something there to help you.

What FTLOMB said.

Get a photographer, you will regret not having pictures.

Of course you should have full control over your dress! How is that a compromise? Do you really think that's being generous? I take it he has control over his suits too or does it just work one way.

I felt uncomfortable when I read your post. I think your OH is making you think he is being generous giving you control over your dress as if it's a compromise for him trying to control every other aspect of your wedding.

I think your OH is being a bit strange about it, although it sounds like he basically just doesn't want a lot of attention on the day. Is he perhaps the shy kind? Perhaps he doesn't want to be standing up there with everyone watching him and cameras in his face, which is the only common factor I can see between his requests. If so then that's understandable, but it's also understandable if you're hurt by him saying he wouldn't be interested in personal vows.

I can sympathise to a degree as my groom also started from the position that he didn't want a photographer (although we are having a big, formal, traditional wedding) as he hates having his picture taken. We discussed it rationally and eventually, he agreed that even if not for himself we owed it to our children, childrens children etc to have a photographic record of such an important day. We are having two reportage style photographers and the absolute minimum of posed shots.

I think this is about more than the photographer though? You need to sit down and discuss this properly, as someone else said it's a good lesson in marriage. It sounds as though it's all about him at the moment (he sounds rather selfish) and it is your wedding too. Don't compromise on things you will later regret, and I'm sure not having photographs of the day would be a massive regret.

^^^^

THIS

I have to say I'm too a little concerned.

I have to say, I was the complete opposite, didnt want a TOG, no big affair. in. out. job done. My OH was the Groomzilla that wanted a wedding to rival his sisters. I had to put my foot down there when i undercovered that was the issue with his 'thifty' ways.

Marriage or any serious relationship is about compromise, a 50/50 agreement when both are (somewhat) happy with the outcome. Making you feel like you own rights are privileges is ... not healthy. I'm probably reading more into this than what actually going on, if I am ignore me

Disagree with your definition of compromise. Research shows that we are happier to have our own way 50% of the time and give way 50% of the time, rather than being only 50% happy all of the time.

Either way, it appears as if the OP is the one doing all the compromise, which is never healthy,

Thank you, that was what i trying to say ;P me wording not so good.

Bit late to this but could't read and run. I really feel for you after reading your post. Firstly to say 'am I suppose to stand there and look interested?' well YES it is YOUR wedding! In terms of the photographer you will regret it! My fiance hates having his photo taken, even if you try and catch him he turns away. (no need as hes gorgeous hehe)Even after suffering a broken back in December, which has led to him putting on more than 2 stone (which he is incredibally self conscious about) due to being immobile, he has never once and I know would never 'try' to ban me from having a TOG, it just wouldn't happen as he understands how important it is.Also, to let you have controll of your dress..... I wont go there. Maybe he would have prefered to go away or have just a simple ceremony with close family. I understand not all weddings are 'traditional' , however if your having standard ceremony, no photos, no first dance, no speeches etc then maybe it would have been the best option.I wish you all the best with your planning and hope you get the wedding you BOTH want

Yes he was being serious when he said I'd had full control over the dress, though to be fair he did hint at what he doesn't like-short styles, lacy styles and dresses that are sticky out, his face will be a picture when I rock up in my JA 8465!!

I think I've probably made him sound like a control freak, I would say that he isn't controlling as such but gets annoyed easily when he's not in control of a situation(is that a contradiction?!) I've always just let him get his own way cos not much is important to me however on this occasion I do want my own way a bit but he's not used to it which is probably where the resitance is coming from. In all honesty it will end up being the day he wants cos I can't see how we can move forward without one of us compromising and I can bet my life it'll not be him.

I'm already regretting not having a photographer, I can't look at reports on here now cos I simply don't want to see lovely photos that I'll never have ☹️

Thank you for being on 'my side' makes me feel a little better that I'm not being unreasonable!

Have you tried to tell him how sad it is making you not being able to have at least some things you want?

He does sound very controlling, although I know this is only a snapshot of him as a person. I think this is something that it would probably be a good idea to work on before you get married otherwise you may end up in many situations like this where you have to give in on things that matter to you and over the years the resentment will build. I know that sounds awful and like I'm saying your marriage is doomed which I'm absolutely not!! Just that this is a time when he could learn a bit more about compromising and you could learn about standing up to him when it's something you really want.

See if you can have a really honest conversation not focussing on whether or not to have a photographer but more on how you feel and how much some things matter to you. It would help to be able to highlight things where you've compromised because it's something he really wants to kind of show him how it's done! and so he can see that it's a balance of some things he wants and some you want.

I'm not sure why you would want to marry a man who is already making you sad by refusing to compromise on something which is clearly very important to you? You really need to speak about this now, surely this will cause lasting resentment on your part otherwise?

See, I think a point will be made when he sees your dress, since it's everything he doesn't want you to wear. Good. It's what you want and that's all that matters in a wedding dress. Equally, if he wants to turn up in a lime green suit, that's up to him.

Regarding the ceremony, photos etc, it does have to be a compromise. I actually agree that you can compromise by not having readings etc, as long as the vows are the ones you want to make to each other. After all, years down the line you won't have any great attachment to what readings were at your wedding. In contrast, you will quite possibly ALWAYS regret not having decent photos to look at and show any future family. I think a deal is in order - he has a simple ceremony if you have a few photos. Doesn't have to be lots, the photographer can just do the ceremony and a couple of shots afterwards. They don't even have to be overly posed, just a few as you walk together or are standing chatting. You can even agree for no photos of family or guests, and for the photographer to leave before the reception, but you do need to make a stand. Tell him how important it is for you. Half an hour that irritates him for a lifetime of memories? He needs to learn to compromise, and now is a good time to start.