Guest List

Personally i think its YOUR day and although your parents get a say as they are paying, id be pretty annoyed if mine TOLD me who was being invited!!

Firstly, I dont think 160 is extravagant at all unless youre wanting to invite them all to a sit-down wedding breakfast!

Secondly, its your day, therefore you should decide who comes. If the 'rents would like a few folks invited fine, but I wouldn't say its their decision at all.

If you want the 'correct' answer in terms of etiquette, it is thus:

It is customary for the bride's parents to invite the bridegroom and his parents to submit half of the names. Th guest list...generally consists of members of the two families, parents' friends, and friends of the bride and groom in equal proportions. However small the wedding, the guest list is always divided between the two families.

Personally I'd feel very uncomfortable suggesting that only he ought to make cutbacks because his family aren't contributing. It's about the joining of two families not 'my parents paid so they get first dibs'.

Irrespective of who is paying, I would expect both bride and groom to have roughly equal numbers at the wedding - it can't be one sided just because the bride's family is paying!

If your parents aren't happy with this, then you need to be clear with them your expectations.

We avoided this discussion entirely by paying for the wedding ourselves (my parents were wary of paying for a boozy party for 100+ of our friends) and they said they would put money towards a house deposit instead.

Were having a 5 course set down meal....so 160 would be quite extravagant I personally think....I

m not saying he must cut back, we are cutting back from both sides....but what I am asking is do the grooms mum & dad get to call shots in this kind of scenario or should it be left to brides parents discretion?

I dont want any fall outs etc but I do think its unreasonable to say all their friends must be there when my parents are scaling back - it needs to be done on both sides...

I agree completely with Cricket Bride and think the guest list should be split equally between bride and groom regardless of who is paying/contributing. By telling him he needs to cut his list down it is like saying he isn't as important as you in the day. It is his wedding too, not just yours. Your parents should recognise that.

I think the fairest thing to do and what I have known other people to do is to divide the number you can have into 3, your parents should choose 1 third of the guest list, the grooms parents 1 third, and then the last third is for you and your H2B to invite friends or your own.

I think that's the fairest solution, everyone will have to cut down in someway but then is completely fair. Even though it's tradition for the brides parents to pay its should still have an equal representation of both families at the celebrations.

@ Claireyfairy2 - thats sound fair & reasonable, no one noses should be put out of joint that way.....

We are paying for all else for the wedding, but as said its my family tradition to pay for the reception of which we are very grateful..its not easy when paying a mortgage etc

I'd say equal numbers from both sides, the parents can have input as to whether their quota is made up of their family or their friends but each side sticks to their quota regardless of who is paying. My parents footed the bill for the whole wedding, H's parents are divorced so they had to have 2 separate tables. We ended up with top table, FIL family/friends table, MIL family friends table, my parents family table, my parents friends table then 2 tables of our friends. So guest list was essentially split 3 ways, 1/3 PIL, 1/3 my parents and 1/3 our friends. I really don't think it's fair if your parents say that the grooms family can't have so many guests because they are not paying.

Thats a toughie!

I would say that no they don't get a say, but then i'd say the same about both sets of parents regardless of who is paying. It is your wedding afterall and you have to be comfortable with who is sharing your special day with you.

I also agree - overall you'd be looking to have equal Bride / groom guests - although not necessarily the grooms parents friends, perhaps more of the grooms friends if he has a small family.

@ Kayl - thanks! - I think thats my niggle - its should more our friends than either of our parents friends...and my parents are not having very many of their own friends - just 2 couples....and we both have big families so thats who is important and then our own friends of course...its hard but I think the right way to go is 1/3 and then its up to OH parents if they would rather have their friends as opposed to cousins etc....

I never said his side should be smaller than my side but neither do I think it should be bigger...

I do feel your pain as I'm sure you don't want to cause an argument.

I'd get a round idea of number - say 70 each. Write who you (bride and groom) want there and take this from your 70 each and then let Mom and Dads from both sides pick who fills the spaces - as you said they'd be choosing between long distant relatives and friends - it's strict but flexable (sp) too.

I really wouldn't be happy with two thirds of our guests being people my parents or OH's parents had picked! It's your wedding not theirs! A think they should be ok with inviting a couple of friends each and the rest be down to you.

Our guest list is split pretty equally between us and is a mix of family and friends. My in laws have invited one of their friends all day which is fine by me as they see him as family (though MIL did invite him before running it past us which could have been awkward!) and we're inviting a couple of my parent's friends to the evening do. My mum asked me to invite my Auntie and Uncle which is fine but other than that and immediate family the rest are our mates.

If it is your family tradition for them to pay for the reception then brilliant, but if i am honest if my parents took that as carte blanche to invite whoever they wanted i would go mental. The same way that if OH family told me who was coming to MY wedding. I am very lucky in that my parents are paying for everything for us yet they still submitted a list to us and we decided who came. We are only having around 55 people and so they knew they could not go over the top. We have ended up with roughly a 1/3 of the guest list each but that is due to the fact that that is because they are the people OH and myself want there on the day as opposed to us dividing the lists equally.