Guest List

I have had a very similar decision to make. I have six cousins on my dad's side. If I were to invite them all, plus respective partners, plus children we would have been looking at 14 extra bods. Our entire wedding guest list is 50 people! OH only has 2 cousins so I didn't think it was fair. Plus, I have only ever been really close with the two older cousins (same age as me) as the others are a lot younger. So I only invited the 2 older cousins and my Auntie / Uncle. I didn't invite their partners- for the same reason you've stated- plus, it means that their OHs can stay at home and babysit. They are more than welcome for the evening!

BUT I did talk this through to make sure that they were all OK with it before sending out the invitations, etc. I would suggest you explain it to them as you have above. I'm sure they'll be fine with whatever compromise you come to. But you should discuss it to avoid putting anyone's noses out of joint.

Unfortunately i found that the guest list was the worst part of the planning. We were both very ruthless, we went with close friends over family that we haven’t seen in ages / are not close to.

I have felt the odd prang of guilt from time to time but then i think ... when did i see that person last? Over a year ago.

Some family are invited to the day, some not.

But i am having who i want to the day and who i would like there to witness one of the most important things in my life, not who i feel should be there to keep everyone happy.

Obviously our invites haven’t gone out yet so we haven’t had any bad experiences with our choice, i know there will be some backs up but then everyone is invited to the evening.

Your day, your way.

I have 48 first cousins, most older than me, and most married with children.

There was NO WAY I was inviting all of them. I invited those I am close to (9 of them, plus partners where I knew them, no children at all). This meant for one sibling group, I invited two sisters out of three, and I didn't give a sh*t. If the third had wanted to come to my wedding, she could have taken the time to invest in our family by, for example, attending our nanny's funeral, or just, you know, said hello to me in the past 15 years.

I don't think you necessarily 'have' to invite cousins partners and children. We are only inviting our immediate cousins, it is a family wedding so it won't be like if their partner isn't there they won't know anyone. We have explained to them all that due to number restrictions we cannot invite any plus ones.

We also have a strict number limit - the restaurant only seats 40 people, including us!

I've decided that we will invite - parents, siblings (with their partners and children), aunts & uncles, 1 cousin that I am close to (her brother is not invited), and my three best friends. The best friends will be coming alone - partners and children welcome in the evening but not in the day. I hope they will understand and I will be understanding if they decide not to come also. It was either that or not have them there at all.

We have invited Cousins but we haven;t invited their other halves unless they live with them (they can come to the evening do instead) and we haven't invited nay guests under the age of 11 as we would have had an extra 15 bodies to pay for which we cannot afford.

We have put an apology in the invitations and explained the decision and have basically said you know we love your other halves and kids but the ceremony and breakfast is the most important bit to us and we hope you respect our wishes. They are invited to one hell of a party at the evening do instead.

I've been ruthless with my side, although I do only have 2 cousins who I dithered about asking. One of them explained that due to the amount of travel and the fact that she is saving for her own wedding on a very tight budget that she wasn't sure if her and her partner (who I've never met) can afford to attend. We came to a very mutual decision that she doesn't come to my wedding and I don't expect an invite to hers. We love each other dearly but live over 600 miles apart. I'll send a card and gift and am fairly certain she'll do the same but everyone, other than my poor old grandad who wants to spend several months worth of pension to ensure each of us can attend the other's wedding, think this is the mature and sensible arrangment.

H2B on the other hand wants to invite everyone he's ever met, regardless of the fact that none of them even bothered to post so much as a congratulations message on facebook when our son was born or when we got engaged. I think out of 80 people attending our wedding I've met about 45 of them.

We're inviting mine - although not so close anymore I was v close growing up. We're not inviting OH's - at his Mum's insistence, it was unnecessary - I haven't even met all of them and they're not very close.

I think you can invite whoever you like to the ceremony as you only have room for 40 people. Anyone who doesn't make the cut can go to the evening reception!

We will have a maximum of 40 guests for the ceremony and breakfast (its a tiny venue) and it was actually quite easy narrowing down our 40 day guests as it turned out to be very close family and friends only. OH is only inviting half of his cousins and I'm not inviting any as I'm not close with any of them... and I'm only inviting 1/9th of my Aunts and Uncles!

However.... we're planning to have about 100-120 for the evening reception and this is where I'm having a guest list dilemna...

Where it gets really complicated is thinking about which family members to invite on my side. My Dad has 7 brothers and sisters and I have so many cousins I've lost count and I haven't actually met some of them. I grew up abroad so I never had much to do with Dad's side of the family apart from a few trips when we were younger. Even now I'm in the country I only really see that side of the family once a year at best and some not even for years... On my mother's side I have an Uncle who lives in the States who I haven't seen in over 5 years who has since re-married. I am quite close to my Mum's sister and she will be getting an invite to the ceremony (although I haven't decided whether I should invite her 3 teenage kids).

So I'm in a bit of a pickle as I really don't want to be causing any family rifts...

Firstly- the fact that I'm planning to invite one of my Aunts (and her husband) to the ceremony and none of the other Aunts and Uncles may seem unfair (although I think I can justify why).

Secondly- I was also hoping to invite said Aunts teenage children to the evening reception only- as that will save me 3 spaces for the ceremony (I don't think the kids would be that bothered TBH but is it weird to 'split up' a family like that?).

Thirdly- and this is where I keep changing my mind- if I invite all of my Dad's brothers and sisters to the evening reception and my Mum's brother am I really obliged to give them plus 1s? I've been reading tonnes of forum threads which say that it is really bad form not to invite people's husbands and wives and I do understand the logic... however in this instance they would obviously know my parents and grandparents (and each other) so its not like they won't have anyone to talk to all night! I'm really not close to any of them and if I'm honest I don't really care if they come at all. I'm only inviting them for my Mum and Dad and Grandparents really- as I think it would be nice for them to have their whole family around. The problem with inviting their plus 1s as well is that I end up with 16 people that I don't particularly know that well. I mean I love my Mum and Dad, but its not like they're contributing to the wedding (not that I would expect them to!).

I've spoken to my Mum and Dad about it and they say that I should do whatever I like (bless them) but I have a sneaky suspicion they would be disappointed and I'm almost certain my Mum's Mum will get in a flap about it. Is it worth just inviting them all to keep the peace (and pray they don't all come)- or do I hold my ground and expect some backlash? Has anyone had much grief with this sort of thing? Is it really that bad not to offer a plus 1 for people I hardly know already?

I'll be following this thread with interest to see if anyone else has had to deal with ths in the past!!

We agreed right at the beginning that we won't invite anyone that the both of us don't know (because OH knows he wont be able to get me to walk into a big room of random people, hehe) so that excludes random plus ones, estranged family members that we haven't seen for donkeys years, random work colleagues that people feel obliged to invite. We've basically whittled it down to 30 people for the day; parents, siblings and their OHs, nieces and nephews, best friends, grandparent, 2 cousins of OH that he is very close to. We haven't invited friends OHs unless they are also friends of ours. So far the people we have talked about it to (with the exception of FMIL) have been very understanding and tbh I don't think my friends expected their OHs to be invited. We are going to invite people's OHs, a few friends and work colleagues to join us in the evening which I'm sure most people will be happiest with.

Thanks for all your replies they were very interesting and I am also thinking that the guest list is the hardest part of planning a wedding! I think I may just invite all my cousins to the evening do its probably the fairest and if im totally honest the easiest way to do it as to be fair ,even my closest of cousins I only ever see once a year! To everyone who posted I think your doing the best for your situation and as long as your happy with everything then that's the main thing. Good luck with the wedding planning and the dreaded guest lists.

I've invited my cousins but we are close one will be travelling from the states with her mum to attend...

I have also been ruthless with planning and have had to split families up, I've invited a cousin with her young daughter however her teenage daughter only as a evening invite! I originally wasn't going to invite either child but my mum won that argument!

I've not done plus ones for the couples I know personally, if I haven't met you then your not coming! My friend got married a few week back, a random, spare of the moment thing after only a few weeks knowing the guy! Unfortunately although I will have met him by time I get wed I have no space to add him to guest list so won't be... I will pop him on the reserve list just in case space becomes available but again there are others also on reserves list who I'd see to first!

My dad has two other children, my brothers I love them dearly but over the years they've become very distant draw and I've felt I'm the only one who make an effort with our r'ship not spoken to either in a few years and I have tried to call... Neither of them are invited! This is something my OH feels very strongly about also, he's seen my tears and frustration over my r'ship with my brothers! When they should have been there for me they weren't.

I have a very large extended family but I've invited friends over family! My wedding is not an opportunity for a family reunion I've not see half of them in years, much less spoken to them so it was easy for me to say no really!

Nice to know we're not the only ones!

I think the plan is to suck it up and be ruthless with it. As long as we talk to the people involved I'm sure they'll understand (I hope). There is something satisfying about making decisions around what you actually want vs. trying to please others :-)

I have slacked a couple of cousins for the daytime but did consult with my mum first before I create any b*tching. One is three weeks younger than me and she sticks her nose up at everything I do anyway. The other is 4 years younger and didn't bother telling my mum he wasn't come to her wedding after she had paid for him and everything so I won't bother with him for mine for mine. Both their parents are invited but I would create word war 3 if I didn't. The way I see it is that my wedding is 80miles/2 hours away from where they all live so if they don't come it's their problem not mine. ? As it is I haven't invited any of my dads side to the wedding daytime so my mums side should be privileged that they are even invited at all...