Guest list etiquette

Hi

We having a small wedding too any have been pretty ruthless. I think the key to etiquette is consistency for example if you say no children do not make exceptions for certain people as it may upset others.

Yes and it;s a blinking nightmare! We've only just started and already have too many, people we dont want but 'have to have' (this will change!) and thinking we should have people because I either went to theirs, they have the family tag attached to them even though we dont see or like them....

I'm sure ours will change many times, weve already had several heated debates about it!

I agree that consistency is important, though I think certain exceptional exceptions are okay. These are just my thoughts:

CHILDREN: I think it's your choice whether you decide to have children. If you decide not to have children, you may still want to make an exception for A) any children in the wedding; B) nieces/nephews; C) children of guests who are traveling very far and would have to otherwise sort childcare for multiple days. Because my HTB didn't want to exclude B) and because a couple of our guests and one of my BMs fit into C), we decided to invite all children (all in all, still only came to maybe 8 or 9 -- and in the end only 4 will be there, ages 13 mos., 18 mos., 8 and 9. We discovered the rest of our guests with children would RATHER NOT bring their children!).

PLUS ONES: Again, it's your choice whether to include +1s. But, it's generally considered etiquette to invite both persons in a marriage/civil union/engagement/living together.

FAMIlY: I think you have to invite your immediate family. As for extended family -- aunties, uncles, cousins -- I don't know if there's a specific thing that most do. We only invited those that we are close to, though at least one auntie my HTB wouldn't have recognized on the street asked for an invite!

Depends on your family dynamics and how many close friends you have, really.

Just to add to the children rule. If you say no children and refuse to make exceptions, expect that any invited nursing mums won't come, possibly, depending on how far they have to travel, whether they're ok to leave their baby with someone, etc.

As for aunts/uncles, I say invite the ones you're close to. I have one uncle who is definitely not invited, because he's a complete ass.

When it comes to cousins, though, if you invite one from a family I think you need to invite them all. For my part it means that all the cousins on my mum's side are day guests, but on my dad's side they're evening guests.

We invited the whole of both sides of the family - it came to about 60 people (my family is tiny)

Then we invited mutual and close friends and added up the numbers.

Then worked it out from there.

We have room capacity for 110 seated 160 evening

We invited 105 seated and 130 evening

We're still waiting for half to reply but expect to attend 70-75 seated and 100 evening (we're on a Thur so a lot said they couldn't come straight away but still got an invite)

We are in the same boat, my family is huge so are having many problems whittling them down. we have decided that my cousins are invited but their children who are all over 16 wont be. we have space issues so have to restrict who we can and cant invite so i would say just remember it is your day and if people get upset or moan then they dont respect you.

We're the other way, so far our day list is at 49 but our minimum numbers for our venue are 60! We need to sit down together and have a think ?

Groom's family is huge. We've just done all cousins for evening and picked which aunts/uncles we're close with for daytime.

l think some will think they're day guests and be a bit miffed when evening invite comes, but we're hardly inviting any friends we actually like ️?️

The best advice I can give is be prepared to upset people.

When we were originaly looking at getting married in the UK we were having exactly the same problem as you (I was far more ruthless than my OH). Getting married abroad does get us off the hook quite well but I have only invited people I actually like/see. I'm not inviting my auties and uncles but we are inviting my OH's because we see them and like them. My motto on this is...........would you invite this person to you're house for some food/drink??..........answers yes then invite them.............answers no then don't invite them, cos why on earth would you pay for them to eat and have a good time out when you wouldn't entertain them in you're own home (unless it is going to cause major problems then just invite them for the ease of it)......Like I say far more ruthless with the guest list than my other half lol.

xxxx

TBH im not sure what people consider as a small wedding....

we started out having a small wedding but once we have invited all out families and a few close friends we are at 80....

and 80 to me isnt a small wedding, that is for both day and night..

We will be having children at ours i have nieces and my own children so just wouldnt feel right with out them x

I am ruthless, I could quite happily have invited my immediate family only to the day and I know that everybody else in my family would have been fine with that but h2b... jeez, he wanted everyone he had ever met there!

I made sure our venue had a low number restriction (80) as that was the only thing that stopped him. In the end the criteria was: that they had sent cards etc. on the birth of both our children. This narrowed the list down a lot!!! He added a few on at the end that didn't bother though (inc. best man and wife-another rant!)

He did end up leaving about 8 guys and partners from his group that we rarely saw or never got invited to any of their doos. You would not believe the amount of trouble this has caused! I don't know why people think that they have the God given right to attend anything that is going! Seriously, you didn't send a 50p card to congratulate us when we had a baby? I am not paying £100 for you and your wife to come to my wedding. Absolutely cannot believe the cheek of some people!

In the end, I also added my aunts and uncles and 1 friend (who had a girls get together last night and didn't invite me!) Oh well!

So yeah, after my vent (I needed that!) prepare to be ruthless and prepare for people to fall out and be pathetic IF they are anything like my h2b's lot! We have ended up with 63 people in the day about 20 are immediate family and us. 10 more anre my family and the rest are his 'friends'

Oh, and if I could do it again, I would include rsvp cards and insist on them being returned as most people didn't bother to so much as even text us, we are just assuming that they are coming as I have seen on facebook that their wives are 'lukkin 4wrd 2 gttin messy nxt fri'' etc.

Arrrggghhhh, wish we had eloped!

I agree, a small wedding to me would be under 30 day and under 50 odd in the night. We've 80 in the day and can't bare to work out evening numbers yet, that seems too much to me, but simply can't cut it anywhere (he's one of ten).

Ha I think we have got the same style of guest list shortening...............so I'm guessing our main advice on this thread is make up some criteria and judge everyone one on that whether it be congratulations cards or entertaining them at youre house. That way no one can say you're being unfair as everyone has been assessed to the same criteria to make the cut lol

xx

Initially we were not inviting our cousins or any children due to numbers however we decided to invite cousins but stuck to rule of no one under 18 and only people who have plus 1s live together! Only 1 person has moaned about this and I knew who it would be before I was even told but he moans about everything and I don't even want his 3 children there never mind their partners which none of them have anyways he was just moaning incase they do!

I don't care though as I will not have other people dictate to us who we should have at our wedding. I don't want a load of random people on my wedding photos!

His mother went on and on about wanting a great aunt to attend and oh half cousin and her husband in the end I agreed I keep the peace and as it turns out they not coming anyways! We have been quite lucky in that the amount of people who have decided not to attend has resulted in us getting the numbers we originally wanted without offending people. Although I did annoy oh cousin by saying they couldn't bring their baby even though they were told last year it was no children and his partner is so rude and doesn't even speak to us so when they said they were not coming I was pleased!

God I sound horrible lol! I just think if you don't want children make it clear and also if you need to be ruthless do it. It's your day and you want to share it with people who care about uh and want to share your special day with you!

I'm struggling with the children thing! My OH has a 5 year old so he's a page boy, I have two wonderful neices who are bridesmaids so there coming. My matron of honour has a 3 year old and hoping to get pregant now meaning it'll be 4 months ish....

My best friends x5 all have 1/2 kids, OH's cousins have 2 kids so in total were have 12 potential kids on the list. Couple of sensible friends said "were coming on our own for a weekend away!!" but Matron on Honour is offended ( i love her little girl and an colse to her) but did say we may not be having kids....selfishly as my chief bridesmaid i want er with me all day and night and not fafing after her 3 year old (who is a handful) and can she stay up late with me etc etc...

So we have to decided if were just having bridal party kids or all 12.....?

In retrospect, even though there will only be 4 children at the wedding (none in the wedding party), I wish I would've stuck to my guns and said no kids. The main impediment to that was that one of my BMs is traveling from the US, and has a 18 month old. She asked me whether it was okay to bring him, and if I had said no kids, I think she would've left him with her parents or in-laws . . . but I can't really ask someone who's traveling several days and thousands of miles and spending thousands of dollars to be here not to bring her son! And if we allowed 1, I felt like we had to allow all.

mel&mike - if your chief BM has other childcare options available, I don't think you'd be unreasonable by stipulating no kids other than those in the wedding party. Hopefully your BM will understand that you want this to be a grownup affair and for a couple day do without being with her kid.