Guest list issues

Is it an option to refuse their cash donation?

No unfortunately not.

Put a stop to it before it gets out of hand. My mum wanted all her family invited (Irish Catholic, so rather large!) and we said no. They are also contributing financially, but at 33 members of my mum's family we said that was their limit as we only have 100 spaces, 50 for me, 50 for OH. That left me with 17 to split between my friends and my dad's family.

Just because they are contributing financially does not give them the right to rule your day. I would give them a number of spaces (that you are willing to give to the in-laws) and let them fill them how they wish. Otherwise it becomes their day, not yours. If it comes to it, you need to think about what is more important - their financial input and potentially having a day you don't want or saying thanks but no thanks to the money, having possibly a smaller wedding or one with less frills and actually having the day you want with the people you want. It's a hard conversation to have and I do sympathise - my mum didn't speak to me for two weeks when we said no - but there was no way I was going to bow down to her demands. The other reason for nipping it in the bud now, is that if they think they can rule this you may find that they start wanting to choose flowers, favours etc. They have to realise it is your day!

I would speak to them, I don't believe money allows say over the guest list - you don't want to have to not invite friends for people you don't know. I would speak to them and say you have final decision on all factors, if they have a issue with this then they need to raise it now so its all in the open.

Some parents will have very different views on this...my parents and OH's parents are paying half each for the wedding and they have been really great with letting us have 'our day' but i do know one of my mum and dad's close friends who paid for his daughters wedding and openly declared that 'if i'm paying, i expect to have a say in everything' ...in my opinion this attitude is ridiculous and it sounds like your in laws could go that way...i would draw up a guestlist that you and OH want and give it to them to look at and say this is who we are going to invite. if they still insist on people you don't want then explain that you would rather have people who you see all the time and know etc...i would say to them that if they want to dictate it then you would rather save yourselves (this may scare them into backing down)

or give them a list of people that your parents want to invite (made up people maybe) and then say look it's too many so lets cut down both sides and cut your mum and dads 'friends' and the ones you want to off their side, that way they don't feel like they are the only ones having to compromise!!

Good Luck!! x

We had a similar issue, but we said from very early on that it was our day and we should call the shots on who gets invited. We didnt ask for their donation so if they werent happy with it then that was their problem. Theres lots to organise and this is stress you dont need so I would get your views across from the beginning xx

You always have the choice to not accept someone's money. Although it might mean having to alter your plans to fit a smaller budget, you shouldn't have to bow to their demands just because they're giving you a donation towards the wedding. Perhaps you tell them that while you would be happy to accept their money as a no-strings attached gift for your wedding day, if they want to plan a party for themselves and their family perhaps they should put their money towards that instead. It might snap them out of it and make them realize just what they're doing.

Hopefully they'll be reasonable people, but if they aren't, I would advise you to refuse their money and change your plans. If you're already put down the deposit on the venue, you could save elsewhere if needs be, and just think of the money you'd save not inviting all the family they expect you to!

I agree with the others you need to put your foot down. Since it seems that this decision will have an impact on your venue and therefore your whole day. It's not fair that you have been put in this position. Your wedding is such an important day and you'll remember it for the rest of you life. make sure you get what you want!

Trust me put your foot down! my mother did this to me during my first wedding and i gave in, yes i wanted a large wedding then, but not certain people that she insisted on, " because she was paying some towards it and therefore she had a say who went!" were her words!!! So, Now its my 2nd wedding, she hasnt really learned to back off and not control me, this, by the way, is 14 years later! (I got married young!)

I would tell them, you really appreciate what they are doing, but this is your decision, as its your day, they can have so many there, but not all, they could possably choose who ( could the others go the evening? if not don't mention it!) if they still refuse, then its down to you whether you want to back down and have everyone there or say well thank you for the money offer, but all the same, we will pay for it ourselves and have the day we plan to. I suspect they will strop, but either say ok, you pay for it or back down after a bit and come round and see sense!!

I would say no thank you to the money, it would feel like blackmail from them. If they are trying to control the situation now, you don't want them controlling the rest of your life either.

I agree with others. If refusing the money means you cant have the venue of your dreams, ask THEM to compromise on THEIR numbers. Give them a figure of say 4, 8, 10 guests etc from a defined list that YOU agree on. Then they choose who from that list who they are inviting.

What does you OH think? Is he close to these distant relatives? Have another round table. Explain that this is the venue you want, the room/sizing you want & therefore THEY need to budge. Don't back down becuase it is YOUR wedding, not theirs, even if they are contributing. Tell them you have given the same figure to your parents to choose distant relatives from (even if you havent) so its fair.

We had exactly the same problem. We found our perfect venue but it couldn't even fit his immediate family and mine in so we eventually found an equally gorgeous place that was bigger. However in the middle of these two discovers it was guest list hell!!!! In the end we showed them the venue and they said they loved it and just wanted us to book it because it was perfect. Once we had booked as was her wish we then showed her the guest list which had immediate family, aunts, cousins and best friends on and she had no come back - there was literally no space!

We are also not able to refuse the financial contribution and it is so tricky because whatever contribution you get it is so fantastic but it shouldn't come with provisions. I have had to compromise on some things with my day for both my mother and his but the venues were one of them I was not willing to compromise on.

You may just have to be blunt and say unfortunately there just isn't the capacity for them

I seem to have quite the opposite problem to this as my mum doesn't want half of her family there as she doesn't quite see eye o eye with a few of them but IMO it isn't my disaggrement so being my wedding and not hers i have no choice but to invite them as i can't invite selected ones as i will then be the rude one. So i have had to make it a lil uncomfortable and invite them all to make it fair on everyone.

I have said regarding the money my parents are contributing that it is being used on my dress, the cars and other things like that, that way they can't take over my guest list. Maybe you could do the same and say you are paying that half so it is your and OH's money.

I would take quite a 'silently patronisng' approach and put the entire guest list as it is so far, and just say to the in-laws "we've looked at the list over and over again, we cannot justify removing anybody from this list. can you have a look through it and see what you think..." they will probably not know everyone on that list which will make them say "who's john doe?" for each person they don't know. You will then be in a position to explain how close they are to you, how long you've known them for, etc. So hopefully the outcome would be that they realise there's other people who are more important to you. Dramatic option but i'm sure it will end the arguments!

I'd just tell them no. If they have a strop and don't give you the money then they'll look very childish and spiteful. Chances are they'll just have a sulk and a *** for a few weeks then get over it. If they don't give you the money then I'm sure you'll survive. Just compromise. I would not give in. You don't want to walk down the aisle and see a sea of faces you don't even know! You'll regret it if you don't stop it now. Next she'll be choosing your dress, transport, honeymoon...

*I meant just compromise on things you want, working with the budget you've got etc. Not on them!