Guest list problems - part 2

What are your plans between speeches and the evening do, will they actually get anything out of coming earlier?

I don't think you're bring a bridezilla at all, whats the point in them coming early if you don't mind me asking?
Do they want evening guests to think they've been there the whole day when they arrive? Or just want in on the action earlier,

I don't see the point really i'd rather keep things simple..day guests and evening guests, no in between unless theres special circumstances or a particular reason.
I'd just stick to them coming to the evening if I were you

That's a very good point.

Im stubborn too! Know how you feel!

PIddling myself about your OK being "Dead Casual" - thats how mine was when he hit me with the one about his dad wanting to make a speech!

I know you would LIKE to bring your other friends a bit earlier but does it make that much difference? The time difference can only be an hour or two at the most. I am not sure what your friends are like, but I know mine wouldn't give a cr@p that some family members arrived before them.

I know they are 'step' family but like you say, your OH does see them as family.

After the speeches you usually have the cutting of the cake, teas and coffees for 45 mins, then first dance at about 7 which is probably when all your evening guests will arrive, in time to see your first dance.

So is it really a big deal to ask them to come for the cake cutting tea and coffee bit? It might actually be really nice for them. And you know what, you may not really want to in your heart, but making a little concession here won;t be any skin of your nose or anyone elses, and allows you to look gracious and nice, and they will probably appreciate it more than you'll resent it, if you see what I mean!

I don;t think its a big deal (it maybe to you, so forgive me) but its an easy thing to give in on I think as it won;t affect you really. Then you can stand your ground on something that really matters to you? Its only an hour earlier I reckon, max.

xxx

You're not being bridezilla because you're realised yourself that it probably doesn't matter in the long run. Of course, if they are aunties and uncles, it won't be a drama if they turn up early. If you're doing speeches after dinner, I'd even see if they can sneak in to hear them. Trust me, on the day, you won't care.

I think it's very easy to go down the stubborn "it's our day" "we decided these rules so we're sticking to them" route, and maybe regret it later. An example: for my first marriage 11 yrs ago now, I didn't invite my cousins' partners. Actually, since I never see those cousins, I didn't even know they had partners. Uncle called and sulked saying it was rude not to consider boy/girlfriends. He threatened that he and my aunt also wouldn't come if my cousins' partners weren't invited. I was stubborn and refused to budge, saying "well I'm sorry you feel that way, it's a shame you won't be there". On the day, I didn't care. In hindsight, I look back and think it was a real shame that my uncle (also my godfather) and my aunt didn't come because both of us were so stubborn. Everyone was invited this time round, but sadly couldn't come due to other commitments.

Once again, my advice here is the same: "does it matter?". And this goes for SO many aspects of the planning process. OH and I actually wrote a list of all items/factors to be considered, and allocated a letter A B or C. A meant "no compromise, money no object, we're not budging" and included things like the style and location of the wedding, our rings, the photographer etc. B was "would like to have it, but willing to compromise" and C was "nice to have, but depends if I have any money or mental energy left to think about it. C items were guest list for UK reception, favours (we didn't have them) cake (we got a cheap one), general décor, etc. It really helped put things into perspective, and if I started stressing, I decided if it was an A item or not. It if it wasn't, then it wasnt worth stressing over.

I'd let them come earlier, give them a cuppa and a slice of cake. I think i many ways the FIL is suggesting this so they do feel a little more than evening guests. Our evening reception is 7.30pm but since our speeches are being done before the meal at 5pm and we expect to be finished eating by 6.30pm we'll be telling everyone just to turn up any time from then onwards. We're having a barbecue so if they're lucky there might be a few burgers left if anyone fancies them. They just won't get a seat!

In terms of plans between speeches and eve reception - nothing other than the usual milling round with drinks etc. The band will set up I imagine so guests are likely to go to the venue's main bar for half hour or so. So in terms of what they'll get out of it - I've interpreted it as they just want in on the action earlier (when I say 'they' I mainly mean my h2b's dad - I feel he's offering it to them to come earlier as a sort of consolation prize for not coming to the day). My bad feeling in this situ is really towards h2bs dad rather than step aunties and uncles - he has 4 biological siblings who are invited to the whole day along with their partners, I feel like wanting 6 more is a bit greedy! But I don't want this bad feeling to be reflected on to h2b. He's agreed that its fine to just find out the earliest time evening guests can arrive - hopefully this will be soon after the speeches etc are done anyway so there won't be an issue.

Re me wanting friends to come earlier if the aunties uncles do, it's only really applicable to my uni friends who will be travelling a good couple of hours, and incur overnight stay costs, just for an evening do.

are your friends staying at your venue? Could you tell them to pop down any time from XXXpm when the meal should be finished?

Personally I'd let them come early, why does it matter really?

I don't have my venue booked yet and people are asking me about guest lists. I think that when it comes down to it, it really is up to you.

As far as them arriving early....will they not feel awkward turning up after the meal before the rest of the evening guests? I can't really see an issue with having an evening invite. It isn't as if you haven't invited them. However, i'm pretty new to weddings so maybe i'm just a baby bridezilla in the making haha. ?

Thanks everyone for your replies, good to see so many different views.

It's all sorted now - the venue have recommended that none of the evening guests arrive before 7pm, as from when the speeches finish at 6pm until 7pm, they rearrange the room for the evening party, and the band set up etc. So all of the day guests will be in a bar that they keep for us - the organiser said they don't recommend evening guests are invited until the room is set up, so the bar doesn't risk being too crowded. We have 80 day guests so this makes sense to me.

H2b and I have slept on it and we've both agreed that the step-aunties and uncles should just be invited to come at 7pm, the same time as other evening guests.

My view is still the same tbh - why should they get preferential treatment? They are just as important to us as all the other evening guests, no one is 'more important' than anyone else.