Guest list woes...

Then don't invite the people in the family he doesn't know. It's far more important to have your friends there than great aunt vi who he hasn't seen in 20 years. If they get offended bugger them.

This is the approach we took with ours, your weddind day is too special to spend with people you don't like.

It may sound harsh, im not a bad person promise...but i'm afraid if i haven't met you, your not invited to my day or even probably my evening doo. I just refuse to buy into this family nonsense, family aren't family if they arent people you have clapped eyes on. Someone may have some distant bloodline connection, but a family is WAY more than genetics.

Have a cuppa tea, wait for H2b to get home, and explain the people who are important to you are those you surround yourself with, those are your nearest and dearest, these can be animal vegetable mineral....

(hugs)

x

There's no such things as people you 'must' invite. Other then you and your OH.

It's your wedding and I fully stick by the fact that you get to choose exactly who you want to go. It's your day so why should you have people there that you don't even know. It might be hard telling parents that certain people can't come, but maybe back it up with the fact that you have a limit on the amount of people you can invite. I think you and your OH should sit down and write a list of who you want and any left over spaces could be filled by your parents suggestions

I really feel for you it's so hard keeping everone happy. They should really understand how hard it is for you.

I couldn't agree more with Mini.

having gone thru this with my FMIL I think it's important you and your OH are comfortable with the guest list and the rest is almost irrelevant.

If it helps, my FMIL has gotten over our supposed snub of people she told us were a must too and has totally moved on.

I totally agree, i dont talk to my dad or any of that side of my family so i have members that im not even considering because i havent spoken to them in 20 years. he agrees with me in that we only wont close friends and family, but his dad is putting the pressure on us to invite these or we will offend the family etc! To be honest i dont give a monkey if i offend them i have met some of them once at his cousins wedding last year and not seen ever again!

BUT he feels like he got to invite them because if not the agg we will get off his family for not inviting will have us 'expelled' from the family!!

I said to his mum we need to go through the list and be proper brutal!

My mum has not had a say at all... her opinion is, its my day so i can do what ever i want and invite who i want etc... his lot on the other hand.... anyone would think its a national wedding that everyone has a say and opinion on !

Only my H2B and I are having any say on our list. I was um-ing and ah-ing over my cousins who I rarely see and mother started telling me that they'd have to be a plus one too, so they're off the list. H2B wanted to invite and old friend from his football days who we see once in a very blue moon but his wife has ignored me in the school playground every day for the past 3 years.... if you can't say hello you can't come to my wedding. There are family members who have never sent a Christmas card nor seen our nearly 4 year old child... well, they're not coming either.

See thats what I want to do! If i had my way then i could wittle the day list down to about 25 people! People who i actually want there, people i know not every tom, dick and harry coming out the wood work thinking they going to get a free meal! one of the ladies today (not sure of name of how related to OH) was commenting on how she going to reuse the dress that she wore at his cousins wedding when she comes to ours... i was like hang on a minute who even said u were invited!!!

I think we'll have a similar problem as we can only have 40 to the wedding breakfast.

Id say to his family that you can only have 50 people and to be fair you're splitting it 25 for you and 25 for OH. OH can then negotiate with his family about who comes, and you get to invite some friends. It might not work out exactly 25/25 but it'll be closer and is an explanation that his family can't argue with.

There are no 'musts'. You decide the guest list, your friends are more important than family members you don't even know. It irritates me that family think they have the right to do this.

We chose our guest list.

I will get stage fright if I have to say my vows in front of a large room of people, I probably won't even make it down the aisle lol. As people have mentioned above, we are only going with people we actually see/talk to/recognise, so it's close family, best friends, people we see regularly and feel comfortable around only. We said before we even wrote our guest list that we only want 30 or so people there for the ceremony and wedding breakfast, and when we listed who we would like to invite it actually came to 30. We umm'd and ahh'd a bit about even inviting plus ones that we don't really know, but to avoid insulting close friends they will be invited as there are only a handful and we have a year to get to know them better. FMIL did initially kicked up a fuss about friends and cousins of hers not being invited, but OH has said he personally doesn't want them there as he is not close to them, and FMIL has not mentioned it since we stood our ground.

I'd say make a list of everyone you want to invite and they want to invite, prioritise them into groups; must have, maybe, could care less and see how many of their guests you can fit into the numbers as a compromise once you have the people you really want there. Maybe they will understand when you show them what you are working with?

We have no limits on guest numbers at all but still aren't bothering inviting half the family! I do see my aunts and cousins on my mums side so they are coming as I feel very much we are a family, however those on my dads side i never have dealings with so why bother? As for my OH, he is closer to his mates than anyone other than his immediate family so his numerous cousins etc are also off the list. In our opinion, if someone doesn't play an active role in your life, why do you need them on your wedding day?

Family is just a word.....

Nearest and dearest only all the way for us, blood or not.

I agree with Mousie on saying a set number each, that's what we've done. I think a few people will be surprised that they haven't been invited, but we are space limited so it's tough.Put the decision back on his parents, just say 'you've got 20 spaces, pick who's most important'. The last thing you want is to spend the day surrounded by people you don't know and not be able to have the people you really want there.

Sorry if this sounds a bit grumpy - I've been putting my foot down about this all over the place recently, with both sides of the family!

My mum started off telling me I HAD to invite relations from my (late) dad's side. I said I hadn't seen one of them for 17 years, the other for about 20 years and I honestly wouldn't know them if they walked past me in the street. We have no contact with them except a Christmas card, so if they are offended then so what!? The wost that could happen is we don't see them for 20 years.... oh wait a minute!

After that we cut them from the list!

My only thought would be, are they paying a large sum towards the wedding? I do think, this then means family can have a bit of a say. If not, then I think you need to get your oh to put his foot down! I couldn't imagine getting married with a room full of people I barely know and my close friends not being there! Well, it wouldn't happen as I wouldn't allow it...

Sorry, this is going to sound rude and I'll say this with my person hat on rather than my supplier hat, but his family sound ridonk and the idea of being expelled from the family for not giving an invite tells me it's better to be expelled from this kind of family. You and OH can use the excuse that the venue and numbers are set in a kind of "oh we would have invited them but we're under restrictions from the venue" etc. If they'd given you the list BEFORE booking you might've had less of a leg to stand on, but definitely abuse the 50 limit to your advantage! (Especially because it's a real limitation and you can't chop people in half to fit them in)

Well hes parents are not paying anything! Im paying for our wedding and oh is paying off the kitchen we just had fitted. Im going to taken the whole limited numbers and design a list with 25 on each side and then say he limited to his 25 etc!

Theyhave really pissed me of!! I mean its my wedding and im bloody paying for it!!!

I really feel for you, we are the opposite way round, my family is large and OH's is small and my mum insisted on certain family member being invited and she would get really uptight when I tried to discuss it with her, she is one of 10 and I wanted to invite 6 of her brothers and sisters who I see regularly and have a relationship with but I wasn't inviting the other 3 who I haven't seen since i was a kid and have no relationship with...the last time we discussed it she went all tight lipped and mental looking so i just said its our wedding, we are paying for it and we will not take special friends off our list for someone OH has not met and i barely know.

I've sent my invites out now without telling her who is getting one or not so she can't say anything now anyway.

we have compromised so much on our wedding and are now beginning to resent it so please be strong and ignore them, if you upset people you don't know or see then it doesn't really matter, if you or OH are upset on your big day as there are people there you don't want and you wish someone else is in their place then that does matter. Your inlaws have had their day, this is yours.

Hmm, if they're not paying for it I don't see why they should have any say. If you want 50, have 50 people you really want otherwise you'd end up having to find a bigger venue/pay for a bigger package! Last thing you want is a wedding with strangers

If the venue has the option to cater for more than 50 for an additional fee per head, then I'd make up your list between the two of you then go back to your FIL2B with the option to pay for the rest if he wants to? (Remembering to add in any extras like chair covers etc that would add up on a per person basis). Some people really don't realise how much venues cost, and he may try harder to cut down the list if he has more idea of context, thereby avoiding any need to have a showdown with him.

Though I do second the others above in that you should not feel obliged to fill your guest list with people that you don't know.