Has anyone else been asked to sign a pre-nup?

Hmm, I think the point might be that you simply cannot predict what's going to happen. Someone who may be level-headed now can change for any number of reasons.

I do agree that things can get very nasty when people spilt up. I lost everything when I split from my ex and would never have thought he was capable of it when we were together.

That being said I would never sign a pre-nup as I am not going into my marriage thinking about the possiblity of spilting up. My OH's father is extremely well off so he will inherit a load of money one day but I don't think he would ever dream of trying to protect it from me.

Rach xx

I think it was bad timing but i dont really think its that bad being asked to sign one, i guess it is only sensible to protect family assets, as long as it doesnt meant you end up with nothing because as you said you contribute financially, and if you have any children it should as you say be null and void. I guess money and pre-nups and the like are a sticky subject, OH earns double my wage, but then again my family have a decent amount of money which i will get inheritence.

Me and OH have had similar discussions when it comes to buying a house, as my grandparents are willing to give me some inheritance to use a deposit for buying a house and OH will then use his wages to match this... with mortgage payments and bills being split for us. We were discussing wills and life insurance as he has a daughter and he wanted the house to be left her, i said he could leave half the house to her but i would want a stipulation for my half to go between my brother and sister, Sounds mean but as much as i love OH's daughter she isnt my child and i would prefer my grandparents money and the money i have put into my house to benefit my brother and sister as we wont be having any children of our own. OH was alittle put out by this but u figured best get it in the open now,...

xx xx

I used to live in the US where a prenup is a simple part of the marriage process so it's not unusual to me but it's not something I agree with. I'm a Christian so genuinely believe I'm only going to get married once in my life, I will honestly not even entertain the concept of divorce, that's how big of a commitment marriage is to me. I'm marrying someone who I know has the same values. Had you not ever talked about your money and assets etc before?

My OH and I are very different wealth-wise. I own a flat in London with no mortgage and he has no assets whatsoever! But I know that half of my flat will now be his and that just excites me. To me the issue of a prenup is not to do with the money, it's the fact that you're admitting that this commitment may not be for life. Maybe I'm just too traditional in thinking that it really IS!

And for everyone saying how bad his timing was....he's a bloke! Men's brains don't work the same way as us! He wouldn't have even been aware of the timing of it, it would have just been in his mind and he spoke it. At least from my experience of men they very rarely think "hmm this isn't the best time I'll mention this later" they just say what they're thinking whenever they're thinking it!

I'm not sure anyone's imagining whimsically falling out of love and upping sticks with half of their husband's wealth safely tucked in their bank account. Or him half of yours. Nobody is thinking (I hope) that their marriage is a temporary commitment.

However, the stark reality is that some marriages ARE temporary commitments. They're not entered into as such but they can change into it. People don't always just fall out of love, but they can be drunk out of love, beaten out of love or neglected out of love.

I think it's a fairly cynical aspersion to cast, that those who can see the merits of these things are somehow less committed to the institute of marriage.

I wouldn't be happy at all and it'd actually make me question the relationship, what a thing to bring up and 5 years after being together - odd.

But how many people enter into a marriage expecting divorce? A much lower percentage than those that actually get divorced I can guarantee.

Obviously no one wants to think their marriage will fail but the divorce rate shows that a large proportion do. A person would have to be very naive to assume that their marriage has no chance of failure. If that were to happen is it fair that a family inheritance is split?

Really? Really? You think that I, or anyone here who is trying to weigh up whether this is a good thing, a bad thing or sometimes appropriate thing, are not as invested in the institute of marriage as those who would never consider such a thing. Despite me very explicitly saying, and you quoting, that my feelings on a pre-nup are definitely not linked to any aspect of commitment to the marriage.

My Dad has a business worth millions. One day, it will be my business, one my Dad has worked hard for, to provide me with a secure future. Do you think that my husband, who I simply cannot imagine being without, should own 50% of this business, simply by dint of being married to me?

*above situation entirely hypothetical*

To be honest if a person has alot of money then a pre-nup would be a wise thing to do, because as someone said earlier people can split up and people can change and take you for everything,!!... I dont think your H2B is thinking your marriage is going to fail, i think he is just thinking on a more business side of things, if it does fail - which has also been said quite a big number of marriage's do, then his families money is protected, not even saying he would leave you with nothing, because i highly doubt that would be the case. I dont think it means he is doubting or questioning you, or that he doesnt love you. I dont know what your OH does for a living but if he is a businees professional it might just be his business mind thinking over things logically.

If i was loaded i would like my OH to sign a pre-nup!. Look at all those rich people out there who dont get one and then their OH takes them for everything afterwards!!...

I can understand you would feel upset and put out by it, after 5 years, but maybe the topic just never came up while you werent engaged. I guess having an engagement party makes it more real, although maybe he should of waited till afterwards!!.. Men ay!!..

I dont see why it would be a deal breaker or make you question anything, i really dont think its the end of the world! xx xx

And you expect your father to display the same level of faith in your chosen one?

Hard one. I can see both sides of the coin really.

I think if you are married your marital home should belong to both of you equally but I think some things not so much.

My friend's parent's divorced this year after 30 years and she has been very spiteful and taken half of some money that he was saving for his mum who has Alzheimer's as well as sentimental things belonging to his late father from the war. It's nice to think everyone plays fair in divorce but people do funny things.

My biggest fear is the worst happening to us and him taking half my pension!

Can I just ask has he actually said what he wants in the pre nup?

*Disclaimer- the following is just to play devil's advocate and does not necessarily reflect my views ?

So "simply by dint of being married to me" is less important than "simply because I'm his daughter." Why should a daughter automatically inherit something but a husband not?

Do pre-nups depend on the outcome of a divorce? If the person who wants the pre-nup is the guilty party (or if the split is amicable) does it still stand?

Even if I was a multi-millionaire I would think that my husband was entitled to half if we divorced because that's what I signed up for when we got married. (Granted my views might change if he went on a massive killing spree or something.)

You poor thing, it probably wasn't what you wanted to hear on your way to your engagement party! I would talk to your OH about his thoughts and reasons and come to a decision together that you are happy with- to me, a marriage isn't about agreeing on everything but working together to find a solution. I honestly don't think there's a right or wrong answer, it's just about what's best for you.

For what it's worth, my FMIL told my OH to get a pre-nup to protect himself from me, and he told her to get lost. I would have signed it if he wanted me to but he doesn't want one.

I'm really sorry but it is kind of the other way round in my arrangement with my H2B. I would never ever ask him to sign anything like that. I wouldn't be marrying him if i didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him! I always think that the whole prenup thing has serious trust issues surrounding it if im honest

Oh and how you didn't b*tch slap him for saying that on the way to your engagement party - you are a better woman than me!!!

Agreed to some extent. Anything I have I gladly share, but that's easy to say when I didn't really have anything of value to bring to the marriage. However, I can't be sure that if I didn't already own a house outright, or stood to inherit a millionaire's business, that I would view these as "joint assets" as an automatic right.

It's a no-win situation then. I say it's not about trust, you reject that. And so it goes....

I think you've got a point here. We could spend all day arguing/debating whether pre-nups are right or wrong but unless we or our OH's actually have the sort of assets that might merit one then I don't think anyone can say in all certainty what they'd do. I personally like to think I'd never want one/fall in love with a man who'd want one, but who knows.

Sorry OP I know that doesn't help you. I think you should just talk to your OH and try and find out his reasons and how serious he is and then really think about how you feel about it.

My thoughts exactly mrsyard2b Was there a reason why this is only coming up now and wasn't discussed with your OH before getting engaged? I think you need to speak to your OH about this in greater detail. I am against pre-nups - why go into a marriage with the thought in the back of your mind "what if we break up?" does he think it's likely to happen? I would be incredibly hurt if my OH wanted a pre-nup. To me, that means he doesn't trust me and thinks that God forbid if we break up he would think I would want a large chunk of his money (he could choke on it!). Alarm bells would be ringing....

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I think its natural for family money or buisnesses to be passed down to the children, because alot of of parents work towards security for their children. If my dad had a multi million pound business which was being passed to me i would think more than likely he would like there to be a pre nup or some sort of agreement so if me and OH did divorce his business wouldnt be affected, because after all what right doesn OH have to money or business earnt or built up by my dad. If i stood to inherit say 100,000 from a will which wwas say my grandad's or dads money which they worked for, i deem that as family money, even though OH would be then become family he could just as easily become not family and then alot of my my families money would be lost. Protecting assests is a wise thing to do, doesnt mean your a bad person or you dont trust your partner.

People who have alot of money always take measures to protect it and why shouldnt they, they worked hard for it in most cases. xx

So, I can get down with this issue of trust. I wouldn't necessarily view the desire for a pre-nup as lack of trust in the marriage going the course, but I think I would view it as a slight on my character, that I'd try and lever every penny out of him on the way out of the door.

I can't imagine for one minute making a claim on anything I view as his. We joke that I own the bookshelves and he owns the TV. I'd never claim half the value of the car - he bought it, it's his. And so on.

However, in the case of the hypothetical million-pound business that stands to be inherited, I can see why others might try to insure their investment against a potentially bitter ex-wife running off with half.

WOW!! I got stuck in meetings all day and have only just had a chance to log on again! Thank you so much everyone for responding. I have been thinking about this all day and reading all your comments has made me come to a few conclusions. I have asked all of the questions you guys have; does he not trust me?, marriage should be for life, it's a marriage not a business partnership, why is he thinking of the possible separation before we are even married? (this point upsets me the most tbh), did his parents put him up to it?

I've spent the last two days mulling this over, trying to take a measured view on how I really feel about it. Taking all of these questions into consideration, I've decided that I really am not very happy at all about being asked to sign one. We have discussed finances in the past (bank accounts, ISA's etc) but not to the point of setting up a pre-nup!

I've decided to just not mention it and see if he brings it up again. If he does, it will be a straightforward no!

Thank you everyone once again for your invaluable advice - this is such a great, honest, sounding board - where would I be without hitched??!

C

x x x

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Hi there, I think every single point that has been made is valid. Yes, I would initially be upset but I would probably look at the practical side- this agreement would also protect you as well !

I was in a situation where I moved in with someone and when I found him to be having an affair at work and I decided to leave him, I had to start all over again from scratch as the flat belonged to him and so did most of the things in it-although I had contributed to some of it, he was on a much higher wage than me blah blah.. but anyway I never thought we were going to split up, I thought we had a future together but I was left with nothing at all.

Nobody wants to think of the worst happening,but lack of communication in what is seen as sensitive matters can leave you in a bad situation. I would personally agree to signing a prenup and would also make sure that if anything did go wrong, that I was not left destitute. His parents obviously think enough of you to put your name on the deeds,so I honestly think that he is just being sensible but is a bit of a clod at being sensitive. I would also tell him that if he has anything on his mind in future to come out with it a bit sooner and use his loaf a bit more about his timing. Perhaps this is a good thing,and is a chance for a real honest chat about everything and air anything that may be on your minds before the wedding. x

If you say No, and he walks away from your relationship, what then?

Will you sign and have him back or think you had a lucky escape?

Surely there is a compromise regarding a pre-nup, i.e. you have 100% no right to claim any of the family's assets.

I hope the outcome is one you're happy with.

Hi Claire, I live right in the centre of town. Very handy for shopping and staggering home after a few too many...

Thanks Selena - all very good points. I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you - what a total b******!

Chickster, what a horrible situation to be in! Do you think it's a deal breaker if you say no? You're at a stage where you will be planning your wedding, I personally would want to get things out in the open and come to a final conclusion with OH as soon as possible before I book anymore suppliers or continue planning the wedding.

If this happened and I had to walk away from the relationship I wouldn't think I'd had a lucky escape, I'd be pretty heart broken, but I would have enough pride and self respect to stick to my values and not compromise by signing it just to stay in a relationship.

This. I would want to talk through the reasons behind it but I don't think it would bother me.

On the topic of investment in the marriage and commitment, I am 100% committed to my upcoming marriage and making it work. However, I was in love with a man in the past and we fell out of love...for no particular reason. Now as much as I hope and don't want this to happen with my current OH, how can I guarantee that it won't? I can't, I can't predict the future and therefore I am only being realistic. There are also things outside my control. If my OH decided to leave me for whatever reason, this does not mean I was not invested or committed to the marriage.