have i made a massive mistake?

See my thread from the other day:

https://www.hitched.co.uk/Chat/forums/p/81291/885204.aspx#885204

you may want to think about what you are lacking from your marriage and try to work at that. From my last update, i have spoken to my friend and we have agreed to minimise contact for now, he's got the message and agrees its probably for the best. I have also made plans to go away for the weekend with my H, to try and have fun together. i think its all to easy to get stuck in a rut, get too involved with work and other things, and forget to work on your own relationship. I know how you feel, but im sure its worth working on.

Keep us updated inapickle. I agree it's sometimes easy to get stuck in a rut and think the grass is greener. I'm in no position to give advice really but perhaps Relate would be worth considering as I think you really need to try your best to salvage what you have before moving on.

Does your H know how you feel? I think you need to let him know you are unhappy and hopefully work through this together and reach a solution you are happy with.

Even if you end up leaving the marriage I think you will find it easier to look back on and be happy with the decision if you put the effort into saving it first iyswim.

Thanks, the other people aren't really factors though, i'm not asking should i have an affair or not, i don't want to. the guy at work was one kiss and that won't be happening again. i mentioned them only because for me, it took getting the attention from someone else to realise how far along the road i am from being detached from my husband. to be honest, i don't think weekends away, etc are going to help me as we've done that in the past and it ends up being him in hotel / room and me on the beach, shops, etc as he never wants to do anything. thanks for your reply though

Jaz is right , you have to talk to him about how you feel. Chances are he doesn't even realise there's anything wrong. Some time apart , or some counselling could do wonders for you and remind you why you decided to get married. ?

no jaz he has no idea. i don't know how he feels, it's a chore to get out of him what he wants for supper or how his day was so let alone something like this. i want to go to therapy for myself anyway as i think i really need help, not just with the above but loads of other stuff too but he would never ever agree to it. i would love to relight the fire, but i think we are too far gone from dinners weekends, etc. i think this is a situation which is headed for a one way street to be honest

I know what you mean but really I think you should at least let him know how serious it is and not assume when he realises that he won't buck his ideas up. If you tell him how you feel and he refuses to put the effort in with counselling then you will know for sure. Relate do individual couselling I think which you may find useful.

While you may think you're wasting your time in trying to make it work, I really think you need to give him a fair chance at helping resolve the issues.

I really feel for you because i was where you are almoat 3 years ago and i made the decission to leave my H without trying as hard as i could only to regret it a few months down the line when he eventually moved on. It took me to see him with someone else(or even to know about it) to realise i should have tried harder to find out why i was feeling stuck in a rutt with him. I don't think you should give up on your marriage untill you have tried to make it work and to do that you have to tell him how you are feeling.

good luck whatever you do xxx

Presumably you didn't find him dull as ditch water prior to getting married, otherwise you wouldn't have done it. So what's changed? Why has he changed? Or maybe he hasn't changed but you have ? Maybe your resentment over moving for him is manefesting itself in ways that make you think he's dull but actually it's your anger picking faults?

Only you can decide if you want to be with your husband or not. I would suggest talking to your husband - explaining to him what you've said to us and working out with him the best way forward for you both. If he can't/doesn't want to talk about it with you, then you have the option of Relate.

I also wonder how much else you do outside of work ? Would it make a difference to your self esteem if you got out and about a bit on your own ? ie, joining a gym, becoming a Scout/Guide leader, joining a local drama or singing group, a debating society, local charity or volunteer work etc. etc. I think if you did something for you, then it will boost your own confidence, which may make a difference to your marriage.

Also, how often do you praise and comment on your H paying attention to you ? It's a basic ploy - but praise the good things. "Oh darling, I really like it when you hug me - it makes me feel so special" etc.

From what youve said, I'd like to believe that there is still hope. Only you can decide the best way forward for you - and it really depends on what you want.

Re. your title- this is a question you will ask yourself time and time again over the years UNLESS you take the bull by the horns and confort the issues here. You need ot speak to your H- <amateur psych hat> I think you are resentul of him, of the move and how your life hasn't turned out like the peachy picture of married life that we are fed by media/film industry. (this latter point is not a criticim incidentally- I think it's a basic reality that dawns at some stage in the first few years of marriage, no matter how unidealistic you think you are).

Do you have friends and hobbies? Are you fulfilled in your work? A spouse cannot be 100% to you- you are the only one with the responsibility to make your life 'whole'. having said that, you are clearly unhappy and if he hasn't picked up on this, then he needs a bit of an awakening. If he has noticed and is head-in-sand burying, then that's an understandable reaction, but very unfair. Talk talk takl! And no more snogging babies until you sort this out!

Thank you everyone for the advice. i can't remember who said what exactly but i'll try my best. He wasn't always dull as dishwater no, this is something that has creeped in over time, he is very much an introvert and i am an extrovert. when we do go out to a party or something, he'll sit quietly and not say anything the whole night unless he knows someone there, i just talk to anyone, which never used to be a problem until he told me one night that he doesn't really do the "party-scene" and next time i should just go myself, which i do. i have a fab job, friends that i love and quite a busy social life, but try as i might, he just doesn't want to get involved in any of it. everytime i try to talk to him about anything related to our relationship he say but i love you, you know i love you and i just can't get through to him that it's not enough (god i sound like a spoilt cow)

LouM, i won't be snogging any more babies ?

But mrs, presumably you knew all this before you married him? Sometimes the fact that you are very different in personaltiy works really well to your advantage, but that doesn't sound like the case here. You can't change people, but you can help them change their behaviour to a pretty large degree- only with some significant profesional help though, I'd hazard.

Hope it all works out for you- keep us updated! ?

I think its very easy to fall into a very dull routine when you live with someone. first of all its great, you do stuff together both on your own and with friends etc, then over time, work takes over, youre both knackered, you get home, watch tv, go to bed, get up, go to work etc and you can end up on a treadmill of dullness which can ultimately lead to questions over are you with the right person etc.

i think you should examine the reasons you got together in the first place, and see if those things are still present or not. if not, you should talk to him and tell him (this may be you are well remember). if you ve just got bored of him/gone off him, then decide one way or the other and if true, tell him that as well.

ive learnt over time that (cliche alert) you absolutely do have to work at things, making effort when you cant really be arsed, keeping the other person on their toes, that they still like to be with you, and you them. i also am firmly of the view that when you settle into a life, any life, that that life gets boring over time, no matter how rock n roll it may be, and that you have to change things. i hear (and read on here) regularly (usually from women) that theyre bored, and some guy at work is giving them attention, and they love it etc and its making them question their relationship. the thing is, what most dont seem to realise is that the other guy does not give a flying fuck t hat youre married, and will happily give you a good boning given the opportunity. its unlikely that he wants a relationship with you, but he s being all charming and flirty because he knows it ll push your buttons. you cannot get the same attention from your H because you know him too well. the new guy is fun, you dont know him, its dangerous, exciting, sexy. when it comes down to it, when you do get to know him, he s probably the same as the one you ve got at home.

Very well put Mr J and I'm liking that this is from a guy's point of view. Hope it helps her

You are right Evy, very well put, everyone has given me fantastic advice here today which I really am grateful for. I will attempt to broach the subject tomorrow when he's back (he's away tonight for a work launch early in the morning) and we can hopefully start repairing what is left of this marriage, or, depending on what he says as well, seeing where we both stand at least. Thank you again everyone, for reading, replying and not judging me, it is very appreciated.

Just to add to the already great advice, I am an extrovert married to an introvert, and it works out great for us. When we go to parties, if it wasn't for me, he would be quite shy and only talk when spoken to, but I find that if I spend 10 mins dragging him around with me at the beginning, he gets into it and is totally happy chatting to total strangers the rest of the night. Yes, its more work for me at the beginning but it pays off because he is happy. IMO, introverts and extroverts can have a great relationship, but it takes a little work on both sides. Yes, you should expect the same from him, but you also have to give it. My introvert H would far rather go to the movies where he can relax wihtout talking to anyone, whereas I would rather socialise with friends. I get to socialise for the most part when I want (and sometimes I do go out without him), but I have also seen a lot of movies that I had very little interest in! It does take work from both sides.

Note that this was the pre-kids scenario. Now we are lucky if we get out at all :-(

WEES, some great advice, especially from NickJ.

Just wanted to add my perspective if i may though. I was in a relationship where my partner and i were two very different people. i wouldnt call myself an extrovert or him and introvert, but he hated going out and i felt bad whenever i wanted him to come with me. I ended up resenting and eventually really really hating him. Sometimes i can't help but wonder what would have happened if we'd just worked that little bit harder at our relationship though.

I really think you need to talk to your husband like you said you would do. When he hears how you're feeling he may want to actually go with you to therapy. If he loves you that much surely he will want to do all he can to save your relationship. And i also wouldn't say you're necessarily past the weekends together, going for dinner, to try to kick start things stage. I think thats possible at almost any stage unless you really are headed for an irreconcilable divorce. Maybe once suggest you would like it if he participated more and make it clear you're willing to cooperate with what he wants to do some nights if he cooperates with what you do some nights. There must have been a reason why you're together, so it may help you remember that reason and start having fun.

I am totally with Nick on this and I think you've had some really great advice.

My H and i are opposites. I love going out and H would be happy to never leave the house again. He likes having friends over and he has a couple of guy friends that he sees but other than that he's happy to walk the dogs, hang out at home and geek around on his computer. To begin with I used to try and force him to fit into what I wanted from him but I soon realised that actually it's ok to have a social life without your other half. So I get to do the things that I enjoy and so does he, the fact that we don't always do these together isn't an issues for us and it's all about balance.

For things like weddings, birthdays, family occasions we have a veto system, so each year we are each allowed to veto 7 events, no questions asked we just say veto and the subject is closed. This works for me as I never have to see my MIL and it works for H as he never has to attend a wedding ?

It's all about trying to create a balance that works for both of you and keeps you both happy but unless you give him the chance how's he to know how you are feeling. I'd say, speak to him and if you still feel the same after giving it go then explore your options.

thats an excellent point. i think its really important to have seperate social lives to a degree. there is nothing worse than having to do things as couples all the time, and it can be boring, and lead to so much gossip and all that crap. the odd dinner with mates and their wives is fine, but its rare thankfully, and whilst we have a good time when we do it, i wouldnt want to be on a hamster wheel of social coupledom. youre mates are youre mates for a reason, because there is something attractive about them which you like, and they like about you, you dont have to jeopordise that by dragging your wife or your husband to events with people who they may not like, and may not like them. as pooch said as well, its a balance, and it takes a lot of effort.