Have you ever been told to do it "The traditional way"?

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it

Would it be worth showing her some magazines or blogs like Rock'n'Roll Bride - or here - to show her that weddings have changed? You should do things the way YOU want them; it's not her time to walk down the aisle, it's yours

I hope you get it sorted x

My bridesmaids will walk first as the attention should be on the bride... therefor people shouldn't distract by walking down afterwards holding everything up

I remember being a kid and telling my mam my wedding plans and she said 'that's the stupid American way, it looks wrong and tacky' but I dont care, honestly I think my mams wedding was cringe worthly tacky and cheep so anything she doesn't like is probably a step the right way lol

I just honestly cant see the logic behind bridesmaid walking behind, stick to what you want and good luck

My parents are part financially contributing so we have allowed some opinions towards our day, also I think my mum has been to a million weddings and does know best on somethings. I've come to realise just because it's not what I want doesn't mean it's not wrong. For example I wanted to cut out canapés due to cost, when my mum pointed out how long between ceremony and meal plus travelling etc

we had the fruit cake issue..... So we've bought our huge chocolate cake then fruit cake bars.

our invites had written 'together with their parents......invite you to our wedding'.

Other stuff i just say, I think about it, then tell her I read a better idea on a forum :-)

Thank you for your replies

I will stick to our plan, times have changed and every bride has different ideas. I am having my gran as my witness which is not traditional as now it is whoever you want but traditionally is was the bridesmaid so a bit of a contradiction.

I was the same about showing my mum my ideas and mood boards she didn't like any of it which obviously made me feel deflated. My OH told me to stop sharing as much with my mum but I wanted to feel close to my mum and I was hoping the wedding would bring us together but is hasn't. I guess you just need to accept the way things are.

My mum didn't entertain the idea about together with families on the invites. Myself and my OH wanted this if we were to have something like it but my mum said it is all about the bride and her family. I am making my mum out to be a monster I feel bad but the only thing stressing me out is her attitude and nasty comments.

Fruit cake bars sound good. Last year my mum didn't want to talk about our wedding but now she is motherzilla I guess I can't have it both ways.

I've been to tons of weddings and in not one if them did the bridesmaid enter behind the bride!!!

i didn't even know that it was the 'wrong' way till I came on this forum lol

do it the way you want and don't make too many changes to suit everyone else, it's your day not theirs.

This doesn't help for this situation but maybe will going forward. We talked about the wedding to family members that were interested but we soon learnt that with some people this gave them a chance to critisise what we were doing. Instead we discussed things that we were more flexible with and asked for their input. We then had a few supportive people we discussed things with. It seemed to work well.

HTH

Wow that's awful :-(

We went on a train and boat for our wedding - which meant I met my husband at the train station before we got married. People were shocked and made comments like 'you can't see each other before you get married!'. Plus comments on how I needed something old, new, blue etc and fancy underwear for 'afterwards'. I ignored them all - we had what we wanted, we had a fantastic day and everyone commented on how lovely and relaxing it was, plus unike any wedding they'd been to before. I even had black bridesmaids dresses - much to peoples disgust (no I was not in mourning and no that isn't really morbid)

I said all the way along that I wouldn't do things just because it's traditional (really the word just means 'because everyone does it' and that isn't me). The thing is that people only made comments to me - some hurt a bit but they were ignorable. No-one treated me like your Mum and your Gran have. I'd say ignore them and do what you want, but I know how much I love my family and would rather do what they want then what I want, even if it made me unhappy.

It's a real dilemma - I hope you can sort it. Maybe in the future just keep your ideas as surprises, then there's no way they can throw 'traditions' in your face

My goodness, I don't know how you can respect a woman who behaves like that? Sounds like she's the baby not you!

You have to remember it's YOUR day!

I understand how hard it is, my dad is very 'stuck in his ways' and can't get his head round non traditional things. We've had a few rows about my wedding and he continually compares my wedding to my sister's wedding (which was a little more traditional than mine will be) He wants us to have the same chapel, same venue, same cake, same photographer, same cars...blahblahblahblah.... For the record, my parents are contributing financially but only a small percentage and I have made it clear (in the nicest possible way) that the wedding is OURS not THEIRS, and if they don't agree with some of our decisions they shouldn't feel obliged to contribute financially.

I'm quite quirky and my wedding will be for myself and my H2B. No one else. My dad is slowly getting his head round this now although I tend not to share too much info about the wedding with him to save any more rows! Ignorance is bliss!

Good luck

x

Hey FutureBright, I just noticed we are getting married on the same day and are date twins!

Sorry to hear that your family are not being supportive to say the least, what's important is that it's your and OH's day and you do things the way that you want to do them and what makes you most comfortable and happy.

Tell your Mum that you are having a "modern traditional" wedding, so traditional but with a few modern tweeks and things change over the years so the way that they did things when she got married are very different to how people get married now.

However you do things on the day she will be fine and think that it is all amazing and will be enjoying the attention of playing the role of Mother of the Bride.

Do what makes you and OH happy and what you want to do.

Good luck!

xx

Thank you all for your advice. My self and my OH are going to sit own with both of them and explain that is is our day and we don't want to follow the rules (nicely)

I think emotions always get the better of people. My OH family have been amazing as well as my dad so it has never always been stressful.

Mrs W-to-be It has flew in, we got engaged two year ago and can't believe it is nearly three weeks to go. Hope you are all sorted and you can relax up to the day.

I think that's the best plan, sit down with them and explain that this is the way that you and OH what to do things on your special day, I'm sure things will all work out and emotions do start coming out as the day gets closer.

I'd been so chilled out for the last 6 months that my Dad was beginning to worry that there was something wrong with me, my attitude was as long as we both get to say our vows and everyone we care about s there then that's all that matters (when everyone else was stressing over font size on order of services etc) the last couple of weeks it's changed - I've been stressing over all sorts of silly things, which shade of lipstick to wear, which handbag to choose and don't even mention canapes! Funny how things change as the day gets closer.

It definitely has come around quickly for us - we only got engaged on Valentines day this year on a beach in Thailand and we said that we would wait a year or two before getting married but then decided that we didn't want to wait around - how plans change hey!

Good luck with the sit down chat with your family, I'm sure things will work out perfectly and you will have an amazing day.

xx

Have you ever been told to do it "The traditional way"?

Yes. But I didn't listen

I got married in a restaurant, the bridesmaids walked in front of me, I didn't change my name, we had speeches before dinner, etc. Tradition is overrated. Everyone knows it, otherwise we'd all be here discussing how many babies we're going to have, what time we have dinner waiting for our husbands and when we might get the right to vote.

You say you love your Mum and respect her. I don't know how you can respect someone who calls you stupid, a baby and too immature for marriage (assuming you're not 16), and who calls your stepsister a whore. Appalled.

I'd stop telling her anything. period

This. Or feeding her duff information. ?

I'd also consider giving her the money for dress etc. back and telling her to poke it up her a**e.

The important thing is not to disappoint yourself. If your do your wedding for other people, you may always look back with regret....

Peter

Hiya,

Sorry your having these problems. Sounds like they're completely trying to take over! Just don't allow it at all, they seem very old fashioned in their thinking but they have to realise things move on and with weddings especially. I get the odd comments with my gran but I just let it go over my head as I expect it from her, a lot of old people are stuck in their ways but I love and respect her so much I just let her ramble on and humour her haha. Certainly won't be changing anything for their benefit though and having our day exactly as we want it.

My mum so far the only thing we had bother with is her telling me to either have my tattoos covered with make up or wear something to completely cover them..yes ideal for someone with a summer wedding lol ? But I think she's finally accepted i'll be wearing what I want and doing things how we want and I don't care about people judging if theyre as narrow minded as her haha.

They'll be the only ones at your wedding day thinking anything of it, all your other guests will have moved on with the times i'm sure haha!
You can't care about disappointing people though, it's nice that you care so much and I do about what my mum & gran thinks also but they've had their wedding days and planned their own so it's time to step back and let your & your OH have your day how you want it

You poor thing. I sympathise, I've had no end of 'people will think it's odd!' or 'that's not the proper way of doing things!' from my mum. There was rather a wonderful moment when she'd gone on and on about how we had to have a recieving line because it 'everyone will think it's odd' but then said we shouldn't do favours because 'she didn't see why we should go along with something just because everyone else does it'. ?

I have no useful advice because I'm at the end of my tether with it; as other people have said I think the answer is just to tell her as little as possible, and do what you think is right for you.

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I will see what the next three weeks hold ?

Yes...good luck and best wishes...at the end of the day you have the guy of your dreams for the rest of your life......

Peter

Hiya, I really feel for you as my mum was also a nightmare....you think that your parents should be as happy as you are for your big day and the choices that you make but they aren't. You really need to put your foot down with your mum and gran, yes they are helping you to pay but it is your big day and you should have things the way you want them as I am sure they had their own wedding once and planned it the way they wanted. Getting money from them should not come with terms and conditions. The only way to get past this is to say you will pay for it all yourself if you could afford to or do what I have done, booked to get married abroad. I was all for a nice Scottish wedding until my parents started questioning the venue etc.......guest list......I thought I don't need this hassle and I am much more relaxed and stress free that I decided to do it this way. Good luck whatever you decide to do xxx

Hi,

Sorry you're having a tough time.

We had similar issues but in the end I had to put my foot down. It was so stressful! But it gets better!

We found that relatives paying for things made them control it, we offered them the money back if they felt that strong.

Good luck hun, hope it gets better.

x

It's your wedding, and nobody else has the right to decide on any decisions for YOUR big day. Let them fight amongst themselves. I'm sorry you are having to deal with these issues around what is supposed to be the best day of your life

Lucky for our kids this 'tradition' will probably die out soon...

its pretty recent thing for people to plan their own weddings, originally it would of been fully planned by the brides mother and paid for by the brides father and the bride and groom got little or no say, think some people are having trouble letting that go

Stephen Fry said something pretty awesome the other night along the lines of:

"Tradition? Disease, death, malnutrition, ignorance. Those are traditions by this argument. What really has been a tradition is progress"

So yeah. Up yours to tradition, I say!