HELP i cant seem to please my mum

It's a shame your Mum is being like that but if you only ever go to her with finished ideas then maybe it isn't surprising that she doesn't feel properly involved.

Is there a specific task you can give her to do so that she feels like she has properly contributed?

I am sort of in the same postion my mum is always interferring and want to get involved and comment on everything especially things she does not agree with. i mentioned a candy table you should have seen her face, when i explained it is the modern thing still did not get it. i also got a nice comment about the colour and suit type my other half has picked.

Its not easy but maybe get her to look out for something for you or have a day looking for her outfit? have you got your dress, maybe go and show her it on.

I guess thats true and didnt think of it like that. We have already booked the service, reception, transport and honeymoon. Which she doesn't seem to like. I Really would love her approval.

What could i ask her to do???

Thanks feel abit better it is not just me lol! I was going to ask to come with me to pick my dress, and go with her for her outfit. I'm just really upset she not speaking with me at the minute.

I think a candy buffet idea is brilliant and i am having retro sweets in jam jars as our wedding favourites, so go for it x

To be honest, the things you have booked are things that you had to decide on your own anyway. You still have lots of things that you'll need help with! Why don't you go to a wedding fayre with her and look at all the various things there, maybe she can help you with your invitations, or maybe you'll want evening entertainment that she could be in charge of organising?

Sometimes mums can feel a little put out if they're not being consulted on everything. my MIL2B is a bit like this, she thinks we're keeping things from her because we weren't updating her on things, and we were waiting for her to ask how things were going. On the complete opposite of the scale, my mum is hard to get an opinion from. she's very much "Yeah, whatever you think yourself!" - so unhelpful at times.

Sometimes elder generations don't always get the modern thing to do at weddings. traditions are so different now to what they were 20 or 30 years ago. My grandma doesn't get why we're not inviting children and is disgusted with us about it but has now stuck to pursing her lips and looking disapproving which is an improvement on the telling off i got four months ago. She didn't get why my cousin didn't invite any of us cousins to the day, only the evening her response being 'but you're family. and anyway I and E have invited M and C over for dinners and had them in their home, they at least should be invited' She simply doesn't understand that just because someone has been to your house or are family, if you're not that close then you don't invite them.

Sometimes also mum's have their own ideas about how they want their child's wedding day to be, they just want it to be perfect and beautiful so maybe your ideas are either something she'd not used to or just not how she pictured your day.

Perhaps give her one thing you would like her input on, that she can help you pick out rather than sticking so rigidly to your guns on every detail.

My way of dealing with negative comments is to wait a while and come back and tell them ideas that would be even worse, so that when you do what you actually want, they like the sound of it more.

For example - ''Mum, we have changed our minds on our local wedding, and have decided to go to Vegas just the two of us and broadcast it over the net to friends and family to see''.

Now my mum loves any idea i come out with

PMSL! I did something similar, came up with a daft idea so she could 'win' an argument - let her have a little victory.

But to the OP - mum's seem to start getting ideas about thier daughter's wedding about the same time they buy your first training bra. Don't forget she's been dreaming of your big day for as long as you have. And if you go to her with a decision you have made maybe she's just a bit put out. Have you tried asking for her ideas rather than presenting her with yours?

Stop worrying about her its about you!!!!

Perhaps set her certain tasks with very specific boundaries like the cake etc...

Hope it improves xx

Thanks so much

feel a lot better now

Ha - we only told the parents we were getting married once we had booked the church and reception venue - we did it all in 6 weeks from deciding to go for it to doing the deed

my mum got the hump a bit but she came with me to get the cake - M&S and the flowers too. That was about it. In laws organised the DJ.

mind you we really weren't fussed about the details - the ceremony and being married was what was important to us so the rest was just trimmings iyswim

Perhaps once you have selected a dress (with her input), you could ask her to start researching the flowers and find things she thinks are suitable within your colour scheme etc, then she will feel she is contributing to something

Family can be tricky. Talking is definately the way forward. May be tell her how important to you it is that she is involved and ask for her suggestions even if you don't like them you might be able to incorporate one or two. Ask her how she feels. There's always so much to do so keeping her busy might help may be she could help find supplier, make a list of family members you could invite, do place names anything you can think off. Spending quality time together might help bridge the gap between you.

Stay calm and feel the love! Getting married can be stressful but it's about you and your H2Be. It was the best thing I ever did every day gets better and better! Good Luck I'm sure it will improve soon.

Tinkawink, I've been there and it's really not easy! You have my full sympathy. My mum said she wanted to know everything but actually what she meant was she wanted to DECIDE everything. Everytime I mentioned the wedding she told me "that's wrong," "no, no, i don't imagine it like that", "you don't want that" (as if she knows me better than i do) and my personal favourite "I hope you're not going to try and ruin this for me!" She couldn't see that decisions weren't down to her and I to make but to me and H2B.

We are now 2 months from the wedding and it has calmed down a lot but it's been a long year. I know people say it's your day and sod the rest it's difficult to have that attitude towards those we love the most.

Try and involve her in things that don't matter too much to you and be willing to give a little ground. I asked my mum to research hotels, taxis, etc in the area but this didn't work as this was the 'boring' stuff and it got passed to her PA instead at the same time she issued me a list of 3 songs to pick to walk down the aisle to!!!! In the end I gave her flowers as her own, I had the initial meeting and agreed my bouquet, everything else has been her doing and she is going to love telling everyone that! I also got her buying all the candles for the evening do and to source a local supplier for our favours, she wanted to choose finishing touches you see.

Is there someone who can speak to her for you and give her your POV? I had tried to explain to both my Dad and my brother throughout that she was doing my head in. My brother's helpful response was that she only wanted the best for me so why didn't I let her get on with it for us(you've probably guessed that he's not the marrying type)! It all came to a head when she rang up when i was in the car with my dad (on speakerphone) and 6 months before the wedding told me off (I'm 27) for eating 1 portion of chips because "you'll be a spotty bride and I don't want that". I was so mad i could have burst into tears (she used to get on at me constantly about having a handful of spots as a teenager when I didn't really care so it was a final straw). I explained to my Dad that she was ruining wedding planning for me and I was actually thinking about calling it off and running away to do it, she had stopped seeing me as a daughter but just as a bride in the wedding she didn't feel she had. Once he got home he had a word and for the first few weeks she was a nightmare (phrases like bridezilla, turned into a spoilt brat, deliberately excluding her, etc) in return i actually did exclude her while she was behaving like that. It wasn't great but now when she is involved she appreciates it so much more when she gets to be involved.

So, to summarise my super long post:

1) give her responsibilities for things that aren't a priority to you

2) Get a close relative to speak to her if you can't do it yourself.

3) Talk to your partner, they really are the best person to listen to you and help you when things get tough - mine desrvves a medal for putting up with my ranting.

Hi Tinkawink

Have it out with her, give it both barrels if neccessary and explain that you are trying to create a day which is special for you and your OH and all you guests and trying to make it memorable and special and at the moment she is ruining what should be a special time for both of you. Tell her exactly how you feel, that it is important to you for her to be engaged in your arrangements and that her approval matters to you, however at 30 this does not mean that you will do it her way.

I am 31 and also in a very long term relationship, I had to do this 4 months ago when we started planning (we have only had 6 months) because I was having exactly the same problem. The discussion was awful, a full 3 hours of shouting, tears and all sorts of stuff coming out of the woodwork but 3 hours later and ever since our relationship has been better than it has been in years! I actually found out that what I was taking as my mothers disinterest and disapproval wasn't that at all, turns out she hadn't been feeling well...

Tell her how you are feeling, I learned my lesson you can't second guess what others are feeling / thinking and they are not mind readers! She is your mum, she loves you and it will all turn out well once you have cleared the airx

I can sympathise here - my mum is just like this. Everything is negative, yet unlike other's that some people have mentioned - mine won't come out with what she thinks should happen. I try to get her input so she won't be negative, but she won't even give that. I think she's very worried about her role and what she's going to wear, as she doesn't really go out much, but all my attempts to reassure her don't work!

It feels horrible as although we've always had a bit of a funny relationship, I feel like I just need her support (and approval!). The best way I've found to manage it is to not speak about the wedding when she's been negative about it - and then in her own time she ends up mentioning little bits, and we can talk a bit about it then. I think she's just very worried about the whole thing and the way she's dealing with it is a sort of denial. At the end of the day though, as much as I love my mum and desperately want her to get involved, if she won't accept my ideas and is still in denial about it all, then that is up to her.

I would suggest that you should still mention your ideas to her and try and talk to her about it, but as soon as she gets negative, just leave it. Hopefully in her own time she'll realise that she doesn't want to miss out on the planning with you and that she is being too negative. Hope it works out for you, I know it's a horrible situation x

It is up to you and your partner to decide on your day and what it contains, nobody else can dictate that to you regardless of any financial contribution they may or may not be making to the day.

I agree.

Oh my gosh, I could have written that exact OP Tinkawink!

I know exactly how you feel, and I do not find it as easy as just saying our day our way. We are making all the decisions for ourselves and will not be dictated to, but it doesn't make it any easier that my Mum puts negative comments in at any given opportunity. I'm afraid I have no pearls of wisdom as I am going through it.

I find my Mum wants me to do things her way, in all walks of my life. I have found rather than arguing my point with her, is to ask her to justify her point. This usually shuts her up, and it seems like i can find myself also defending myself.

Tinkawink you are def not alone!

Mu mum has been great, a little non-commital at times which can be frustrating but my MIL2B has been an absolute nightmare. It has recently escalated into a huge argument between h2b and his mum where she stated she wasn't coming to the wedding if we didn't invite children (we are having a children free day due to budget and the size of the venue - it seats 40 and we have 38 adults coming so inviting 10 children isn't feasible!). We made it clear from the start of all the planning that we weren't having children - that was 2 years ago - and she has chipped away at us over the years to the point where like I say she basically isnt coming.

Now I'm 'piggy in the middle' as she called me cos h2b wont speak to her but she keeps calling the house and I answer! I'm not piggy in the middle because I am totally supportive of h2b and how he feels and neither of us will be backed into a corner with her ultimatums. However mil2b has put it all down to a 'teenage strop' by h2b (he's 30 10 days after the wedding!) and she cant understand why he is 'sulking'! I have told her that I wont get involved, I have very calmly spoken to her as to why we feel the way we do and she needs to accept that. And to top it off just as h2b was coming round to the idea of calling in to see her and smooth things over she left him a really cr*ppy voicemail....ARGH!!!!

Sorry I vented but I just wanted to you to know that regardless of what you do, how you do it, who pays etc you will have a few hiccups along the way but do not forget one little, important detail...ITS YOUR DAY. Get people involved as much as possible...throw ideas at them, even if you have actually already decided on a specific detail and ask them to do little jobs for you. My mum is making our cake, h2b's mum has point blank refused to do anything because she disagrees with not having children but we have still discussed things with her over the years and got her opinion (often its hasn't been nice to hear but she cant say we haven't kept her in the loop).

I really hope you can sort it out with your mum soon. I would hate to think that she would regret being so horrible towards her daughter on her special day.

Good luck xxx