help, INLAWS!!!! advice please (update)

Can you maybe involve them in another way - give them a reading to do, ask them to help out with flowers, table decorations etc? Do they want to be involved or is it just MIL2B that thinks they should be ??

Surely your h2b knows how you feel about his sisters?, I'm not having h2b's daughter as any part of our bridal party, even though we get on, nor am I asking for his grand-daughters to be flowergirls, IMHO my BM's are from "my" side, who I choose, not him, he will be choosing (like yours) his best man, grooms man etc, if he chooses his son to play any part, that is up to him.

I think if you speak to him and explain how you feel he will understand, he probably knows already since the subject is only coming up now after you have already chosen the bridal party.

Did his mum only offer money under the circumstances that his sisters be involved?, has she said anything to you about involving them?

It's your day and his day, it should be the way you both want it without pressure from anyone.

You need to explain to him how you feel and how important it is to you that a> your BMs are your sister & best friend and b> he backs you up with his family. You are right in that the attendants are meant to support their own IYSWIM. It's kind of your MIL2B to offer to pay but perhaps you could suggest she helps you somewhere else e.g. flowers and gets involved in the choice?

I only had my sister as BM, didn't want or ask my SIL2B and my H had 3 best men, all very close friends.

Here's a thought - how many guests are you having? I remember reading somewhere that the ratio of bridesmaids:guests should be about 1:50. So unless you've got 200 people attending the wedding, you could always say that 4 bridesmaids is too many!

On a more serious note, I'd talk to your H and get him on side.

Well my opinion is going to go against the grain here. Sorry.

Unless they have done something directly nasty towards you or your H2B then I think you should ask them. Your MIL2B is offering to pay so it doesn't make any difference budget-wise. When you get married you don't just take on your H2B as your H you take on his family as your family. And unless there is a specific reason not to do so, I think asking them to be bridesmaids would be a nice and kind gesture and a way of uniting two families. Getting them involved with the wedding may also enable you to have a closer relationship with them.

However I also don't think a bridesmaid necessarily has any responsibilities other than to turn up, wear their dress and walk down the aisle. I don't think you are obliged to take your bridesmaids dress shopping with you and personally I would only take those closest to me whether they were a bridesmaid or not. Equally i don't think you should expect all your bridesmaids to organise your hen night. Surely your sister and best friend can organsie your hen night and your SIL2Bs can just come along if they like and not if they don't.

Also just a piece of advice about getting on with the ILs - learn which battles are important and which ones aren't. This is obviously important to your MIL2B who is being kind enough to offer some money. Given that all they have to do is turn up and wear a dress you choose, is having them as bridesmaids really such a big deal that it's worth rocking the boat over?

WlucyluS ?

I am firmly of the opinion of having the BM you want! I am having a close friend and H2B daughter - because I want her there, not because anyone told me I should, or offered me money and I felt obligated to do so. I agree with another post that different BM can have different roles, my BM have not done much tbh but that has been my choice. I wanted to include other friends in the plans so have asked them to organise the hen party, readings etc and they have loved that.

It's difficult because I'm sure you don't want to offend your OH family (if you weren't bothered then you wouldn't be concerned and posting this thread, after all!).... if you don't want them I really don't feel you should. Maybe say that 4 is just too many for you to be comfortable with/too many for the venue size.... or maybe that you've told other family members/friends that you're only having 2 BM and so if you have the twins they'd be offended.... or that you want your sister and best friend to stand out as those closest to you which would be 'taken away' from them if others were BM..... just some options!!

Hope you manage to sort it out without anyone being offended.

I am actually quite surprised at some of the responses on here. So because you are the bride you should be able to pick the bridesmaids and your H2B has no say in that? So if he has a sister and not a brother then she can't be involved if you don't want her to be and she can't be a groomsman because she's not a man?? WOW!

I had 2 bridesmaids and 1 flowergirl. The flower girl was my cousin and 1 bridesmaid was my sister and 1 was my H's sister. Even if i didn't get on with my H's sister, she would still have been my BM because she is my H sister and he would have wanted her to be a big part of it. Just because she was a girl doesn't mean I had the say to whether she could be a BM or not.

If you really wanted your brother to be an Usher how would you feel about your H saying NO because HE was choosing the men?

It's not all about the bride!

Is this really an issue so huge, so crucial, so life-affecting that you need to enforce a whip and make it so that the bride is on one side, the groom's mother on the other side and the groom stuck in the middle but under orders that he MUST be on the bride's side? Is it really so important it's worth creating divisions and sides? Surely a wedding is supposed to be about bringing people together rather than dividing them up and chalking down which side they are on? I know people say "your day, your way" but not at the expense of everyone else's feelings surely?

We are a bit like you here, H2B is choosing his ushers, best man etc and i am choosing my bridesmaids, works best that way for us as. Me and H2b sister are not close and never call each other or anything only see each other at H2B mum and dads thats it, to be honest (i wont bore you with all the history of storys) but i would not trust her on he day, sounds a horrible thing to say but she has a habit of making stories up if she isnt getting the attention.

Like people have said i understand that H2b wants her involved though so she is doing a reading and think h2b wants her to be a witness, could she do something like this for you then she is still involved but you may both be happy that way xxx

And that's all that should matter.

Spring is absolutely right that it's not just the bride's day.... but who is most important on a wedding day.... surely the bride and groom. Not siblings or parents, but the couple themselves. If your OH wants his sisters and it's for the right reasons (i.e. not just because his mum's offered to help financially) then you really need to talk it out between you and reach some kind of compromise. Personally I could not imagine having 2 BM who I hated... but you haven't really mentioned what your relationships are like and if it's actually that extreme or if you simply don't want them. On the same note, I couldn't imaging saying "no" over something my OH passionately wanted.... which is why we're having a magician ?

On a seious note I hope you can reach some conclusion you're both happy with. A friend of mine had a similar predicament (I've only just remembered!) and she ended up having OH 2 sisters as BM - the compromise was they didn't sit on the top table, they sat with other family members and everyone was happy with that.

We asked h's sister to be our bm , i had already picked 4 , one of them my sister.

Like you , i didn't know much about her , or her me , didn't have each others numbers despite me & H being together for 10 years , i liked her just didn't see her all that often.

Despite saying all the above she proved to be invaluble on the day , she was always on her feet making sure our day went as well as possible , i never asked her to do anything , she always offered & i'm really glad we asked her as i feel like i know her a little better too.

Had same problem with my MIL / H2B...

MIL offered to pay for bridesmaid dress for his sister, which I wasn't best pleased with as I first felt she had "bought" her daughter a place on the day. However, H2B wanted her to be part of it, and realistically there was no extra cost, but I just made sure that budget / style was decided by me as I didn't want her taking over and dictating to me.

However, now we've changed our plans and having no Bridesmaids! Happy days!

It never even crossed my mind to have H2B sister as a BM. I guess if I'd of been hers last year when she got married I would of asked her. I did want to involve her in the day though so she's doing a reading for us.

I guess now it's been brought up you have to seriously think about it, if I'd of been asked to have H2B's sister as BM I wouldn't of minded although I think 3 is too many personally, especially as we've only got 40 day guests. Only you and H2B can decide, there's bound to be opinions on either side, you just have to decide if it's something you feel strongly enough about to fight (personally I HATE being told what to do!!).

It is a toughie but it is your H2Bs wedding too.

I'm having his sis as well as my sis, my best friend and his niece. It didn't occur to me not to ask her as OH has no bros and I felt like she should be involved.

So far she hasn't helped pick the dresses, I took friend and sis for that and they arranged my hen do and she just turned up but she's happy to go along with what I'm asking and we seem to be getting on well, which is a bonus as we're going to be family.

If it's really too late for them to be BM, I would do as others have suggested and ask them to do readings or be the witnesses but I would maybe consider it... they may not be as bad as you think :-)

Hey,

I am in a sort of simillar position to you - my H2B has 3 sisters - and I haven't picked any of them to be BMs. This is because I am having my sister and my best mate - and so 5 BMs would look silly at a wedding of 70 peeps!

Equally though, it was very hard saying this to them - as I am quite close to one of them. But I do feel that it is the bride's choice who gets to be her BM - although you should take on board other people's opinions here. I am going to ask one of them to do a reading instead.

I agree with what someone else said - about your In Laws becoming your family when you get married - and to pick your battles carefully. If you are not that fussed, and don't actively dislike your SILs, and your MIL will pay for the dresses, then yes why not I say. If, alternatively you would really just rather have 2 BMs, I would give the SIL visible responsibilities on the day - like doing readings or making speeches.

TBH it does seem a little bit of a control issue here - you don't want them because you don't want them. But is it really worth falling out with your MIL over. You do have to have a little give and take - although believe me I totally understand the instinctive response to say "But its MY wedding!!!"

Please let us know what you decide. hope all goes okay

SG45 xx

What would I do.....I would let them be BM,s

They might surprise you and it would bring the family closer together.

I would also be VERY firm in picking the dresses and bits and make sure your H2B explained this to your MIL......I'm sure your sis will support you the most and she will be the one standing beside you at the important bit....the vows.

Appoint your sis Best Maid.....its the best maids job to arrange the hen night and she is the boss.

I'm surprised at some of the hitchers opinions that think they should be bridesmaids just because they are the grooms sisters!

That is ridiculous.

Bridesmaids are there to support the bride and help with things in the run up to the wedding. not all of them can do that but you should choose wisely who you have.

I have chosen my sister and my best friend. I stupidly also asked h2b's neice as i felt the pressure to pick her. Its been nothing but hassle ever since. She is 10yrs old and wants to wear heels, wanted an adult style dress, wants her hair done like the adults etc etc etc and i'm stuck in the "bad person" role by having to say no to the suggestions.

it is traditional that the bride chooses the females in her bridal party and the groom chooses the male attendants.

my sister in law didnt have my sister or me when she got married and we wouldnt have expected it for one minute.

I'm sure they'll get the oppertunity in the future to be each others bridesmaids or a bridesmaid for friends.

Dont have them because mil thinks you should. How dare she offer to pay for their dresses to pressure you. It is your decision and you should make it and stick with it.

I'm really surprised still at the opinions thinking otherwise. It is you and your h2b day, yes it is also special for the families etc but it is your wedding day and you are already sharing it with family without having them follow you up the aisle.

It is also traditional in many families and many areas that unless there is an exceptional reason not to, that the bride and groom's sisters would automatically be asked to be bridesmaids. For many families it would be considered a snub to not ask them.

Lucylu, i've never seen it said anywhere that it is traditional to have the grooms family as bridesmaids.

It is solely the brides choice as to whom she has support her on her wedding day. Families that expect it are in my opinion very rude. I would hate for h2b's family expect me to have sisters etc just because they want it!

I feel that the op is being pressured into having these two girls and her mil knows exactly what she is doing by offering to pay for the dresses. It isnt about the dresses or who is paying, its about the op having who she chooses as the bridesmaids.

Do you expect to be a bridesmaid when someone in your family gets married? would you feel snubbed if you werent?

I would like to see the replies if there was a post here saying "my brother is gettting married and his selfish fiance wont have me as a bridesmaid!"

I think it would quickly be pointed out that the decision was the brides and not the decision of the family

Agreed totally.

My h2b has a sister who is not being my bm. I am only having one as that is all I wanted. My h2b doesn't have ANY issue whatsoever about me not having his sister and in fact when I said at the start of the planning process 'should I have your sister' his reply was 'stop being so concerned about what we should and shouldn't do, there isn't a rule book and we will do what we want to instead of what others or tradition expects'. Another reason not to have his sister is that she has shown no interest at all in the wedding and whilst I totally agree that our day isn't as exciting for other people it's her brother FFS and to remember the date at least would be nice. We told her the date a year ago and a year on she still doesn't remember and his mum hasn't even asked the date! I get on with his sister but not close to her to want to share some parts of the wedding. If h2b had made a request that he would like his sister to be my bm then I would have taken his feelings into consideration and we would have discussed it but ultimately I still feel it would be my decision as I wouldn't tell him who to have as his bestman.

I do understand people saying that by marrying someone you are accepting his family but still think we are all adults and can choose who we do and don't want involved in our day and we are marrying one person and actually don't need to accept his family.

I think your mil2b is being very sly in offering to pay as then you can't use that as an excuse (although you don't need an excuse as you don't want them simple as that). You shouldn't feel pressurised by your mil2b however if your h2b really does want them then you should consider that and make a decision taking his feelings into consideration.

I hope you get it sorted one way or another.

We had this problem - when we got engaged I had met his sister 3 times and when I said that my sister was to be my only bridesmaid (as I had always wanted from the day she was born) I had all sorts of accusations chucked at me by my PIL. I was told I was immature, childish, disrespectful, selfish and I was told that no one has just one bridesmaid that they knew of so this was really untraditional and I must be a bit of a sad loner! The fact that when his sister got married she only had one bridesmaid is neither here nor there but that was of course her choice....

Yes they are your H2B's sisters but I am a strong advocate of knowing your attendants quite well so that you can trust them to do the little jobs and be there for you. When we were having this problem my Mum put it quite nicely - a bridesmaid is a bride's attendant and they should come from her family and friends because until you are married you are not officially part of your h2b's family. I know you and they might feel that you are part of the family (hopefully) but it is quite a good way to draw a line if you feel you need to - in your mind at least. If you get on with his sisters and want them as your bridesmaids then all well and good but if you are having bridesmaids because you have to (even if the money is being offered to pay for them) then I think it a) rather spoils the experience for you and b) usually causes alot more grief. And if you give in on this one you have to ask what else you will have to give in to when your inlaws decide upon it.

Not an easy one but just don't feel pressured to go against what you originally agreed.

This is obviously a post that divides people so I thought I'd put my two pennies worth in!

I choose to have my sister, best friend and H2B's teenage niece as BMs. I choose H2B's niece because I wanted to make her feel part of the wedding day and bring the two families together. I didn't do it simply to please H2B OR because we are receiving financial support from H2Bs family. It was a decision that came naturally and one the me and H2B agreed on.

I think there are two important things to remember: 1) It's not just the brides wedding, it's easy to forget that when we're the ones doing most of the planning, but it's your H2Bs big day too and he should have 50% of the say! 2) The union of you and your H2B is also (in my mind) the joining of two families and although I would never do anything on my big day 'just to please them' I think it's important to involve everyone important in the day, whether this is being BM or Usher or simply doing a reading or being a witness.

That's me done...I hope whatever you decide it's something that both you and H2B agree on and are happy with. x

Need to add a little to my response, not that I am trying to justify my opinion.

I haven't asked h2bs daughter or grand-daughters to be part of my bridal party because they don't know we are getting married yet.

H2b is putting through for a divorce (he and his ex were separated before I came along, thought I would make that bit clear ? ), he is just finding it a bit hard to tell them and doesn't think they need to know yet as the paperwork for the divorce hasn't been drawn up yet. Touchy subject on my part though, there is no reason for him to be dragging his feet!

The reason why I haven't waited to ask any of his family is:

1. I want to be organised, I have eczema and when I get stressed my skin breaks out, really badly ☹️, the more I get sorted and organised now the less stressed I will be about the whole thing.

2. After being with her father for 9 years, I didn't get an invite to her wedding (childish I know but didn't even get invited to her evening do)

and 3. We get on but don't talk that often.

This sort of question will divide a lot of people but at the end of the day it's whatever makes you and your h2b happy.

And there's the difference. The OP said her h2b wants his sisters to be bridesmaids. What she needs to find out before she makes the final decision is whether he genuinely wants them to be bridesmaids or whether he's only saying that because of pressure from his family.

If he genuinely wants them in the bridal party and there isn't a good reason for the bride to object (and "I'm the bride, I'm choosing" doesn't count as a good reason!) then I think she should agree. Marriage is about give and take. If a b2b and her h2b can't compromise to ensure they're both happy before the wedding, what hope have they got afterwards?

I think the main point with the OP was that they, as a couple, had already decided on who would be in the bridal party.

It's only since mil2b made her view known that the OP's h2b has changed his mind.

So - the main question seems to be, what does the h2b want? To go with what what originally agreed or make a concession to take into account what his mother wants?

But different things are traditional in different families and different cultures. In some instances traditions are written down and explicit and in other instances traditions are just known by the people it applies to Just because you have never heard of it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I have never been to a wedding where either the bride's sisters or the grooms sisters have not been asked to be bridesmaids unless there was a very specific reason. The one wedding I've been to where the groom's sister had declined to be a bridesmaid (felt she was too old) there were a lot of hushed questions by the guests about had she and the bride fallen out and that was why she hadn't been asked.

In answer to your question about whether I would expect to be a bridesmaid. I don't currently have any relationship at all with my sister but if I had even a basic relationship where we spoke to each other then yes I would expect to be asked to be a bridesmaid because in my family it would be considered very rude not to ask sisters to be bridesmaids. When I got married my now ex's family had exactly the same tradition (as did all our friends) and although I had nothing in common with the groom's sister it would have been seen as very rude to her not to ask her. At that time me and my sister were just still on speaking terms (though we did not get on at all) and yes it was expected that I asked her. I don't have a brother, but if I did then yes I would expect to be asked to be a bridesmaid because as I've said in our family and my friends' families sisters are ALWAYS asked to be a bridesmaid except under extreme circumstances. If my (hypothetical) brother's fiancee didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid then I know my parents would have a quiet word with my (hypothetical!) brother about how rude that is amongst our family and friends. If I still wasn't asked then yes I would feel snubbed, but no I wouldn't post on here saying the bride was selfish. All of my friends/cousins etc who have brothers when their brothers have got married they have been asked to be bridesmaids even if they barely know the bride.

All families have different expectations. The fact that some people's expectations are different to yours does not make them wrong. Many parents would expect that if they paid for the wedding they got to be invited to it for example. Equally many parents would be happy to pay for a wedding where the couple eloped and didn't invite parents. Each couple ngetting married needs to take into account what is expected in their families. Personally I think if you want to have a good ongoing relationship with your in-laws then you often need to make compromises and you need to be sensitive to what be considered rude or inappropriate in their family.

Lucylu I am so surprised that you would feel snubbed if you didn't get asked to be a bm even if you had no relationship whatsoever with the bride. Obviously just my opinion and I'm not saying your wrong, just that I am extremely surprised.

I will listen out for all the hushed voices from my guests for not having h2b's sister.

I don't see the point in having people to be bm's just for the sake of it because that is the done thing. When my brother announced his engagement my first thought (apart from you stupid fool) was *** will I need to be a bm. I did not like his girlfriend and wouldn't have wanted to be getting ready with her on the morning of the wedding acting like best buddies! The situation never arose though as the stupid cow caused a huge family arguement and we haven't spoken to them since last May and I found out through the internet they got married in November!

It is interesting to read everyones views though even if I don't agree with them.

I didn't have OH's sister as BM as she has a habit of becoming ill if she isn't the centre of attention.She did this at eldest childs christening as she wasnt the important one.Makes me sound like a bitchy person but if she knows all eyes wont be on her and people asking how she is because she is 'poorly' she will not bother to take her drugs that she needs so she stays stable.Then again her husband sat in the MIL's car all during the service and then went and parked himself in the PILs room as they had a sattelite TV there and he might have missed something.He sat in the car with a 'migrane' but surely if he had had a migrane he wouldnt have been able to watch his portable dvd player.Between them they put a dampner on the day for OH.

Thats a fab idea, i dont want to completly exclude them form my wedding but just dont want them to be my bridesmaids

Thank you for your comments. did you only have the one bm or did you cave?