Help!! Please!

Hey Jem, I can see where you are coming from.

Everyone keeps saying to at the end of the day it is your day and no one elses. Your mum is wrong in dictating to you who should come and you actually having to pay the extra for the people 'you' want to come. I think if my mum was being like that then I would kindly tell her that I would do it on my own. We are saving a lot of money ourselves and have my dad(not married anymore) to pay for some towards it. My mum hasnt really had much of a say in what we have done and this way she hasnt paid anything into it either.

I guess it is for you to decide who you want to come, do you want to be told who or would you like to choose yourself, there are ways to have a great wedding at an affordable cost. Just do as im doing and limit the number of guests and look for the ceapest way of doing something you like.

Hope you manage to sort it out though!

Hi Jem

What a horrible situation for you to be in. I don't have anyone to contribute to our wedding, h2b and I are paying for everything and we are really struggling (poor teachers!) but we decided that we would rather set the date later rather than sooner in order for us to save up. TO be honest, I know that getting married is something we want to happen (almost) immediately but sometimes it's worth the wait in order to save up and have what YOU and H2B want not what your mum wants. Your mum has had her wedding- you should have yours- tell her where to get off (nicely if needs be) and that if she wants to contribute she can't make the rules!

Good luck- let us know what happens x

I would sit your Mum down (or write her a letter if you think that would avoid a row) and explain how the situation is making you feel.

That said, it's probably worth looking at all the issues and deciding what is most important to you and which ones you could live with compromising on. Then maybe you can appease people by compromising in some areas. People will always have opinions on your wedding (especially the mother of the bride!), you just have to focus on what is most important to you and ignore them.

We have had some issues with family expressing opinions (eg my Dad thinking flowers are a waste of money, my OH Dad initially refusing to wear matching suit becasue he didn't think it was "that sort" of wedding ?! , parents forcing guests on us etc) but have taken the approach of listening to their advice and taking on their suggestions where we were ambivalent to head off too many demands. At the end of the day small details eg who your bridemaids are don't seem worth setting off a massive family feud to me.

Good luck?

Thanks for all your advice! I do want my mum to be involved but she's just being so difficult I think I'll have to just do it without her (how helpful is the comment "I don't like red flowers" when the colour scheme has been red and silver from the outset???!!!)

Now I just have to convince my OH that it will all be OK, he's so fed up of it and I kind of understand that but it doesn't help!!

Oh well, onwards and upwards!

Thanks everyone

Hi Jem

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this, weddings can bring out the best and the worst in people.

I have seen this on numerous occassions and this is why I've been brough in by the couple sometimes as no matter what they say, the parents disagree and generally bully the couples into doing things they don't want to do. When I am faced with this situation (I have a wedding just like this for August) I obviously have to speak to the parents near the beginning of me coming on board. Most parents at the beginning are against having a planner, but the couples have paid for me themselves so it doesn't effect the parents budget and they don't have a say. Basically, I listen to them and their ideas, I make very loud approving noises of the ideas I think can be incorporated as to make them feel like they have a valued opinion and then find ways of building them into the scheme in a way which the couple are happy with. If I feel and the couple agree that things being mentioned aren't to their liking, then I will say that they won't work with the scheme, or it's not really the right look/feel for the wedding etc and the couple can turn around and say 'well Ruth said it won't work' and 9/10 times it works and the situations are dealt with.

I think you do need to be strong and if you feel that strongly about it, which you would do naturally, then you do need to address it with your mum properly. You have to say, 'I really appreciate you wanting to contribute to the wedding but the way you are acting about it is making us sad and on the verge of not getting married at all and we're not enjoying what is supposed to be the happiest time together. I would like you to respect our choices and what WE want for OUR big day and if you can't do that, they'll we'll have to do it alone, which we really don't want to do.'

I know it's easier said than done. One option could be to find a local wedding planner. I offer hourly consultations where I sit down with the couples and more often than not, their families to go through their wedding planning so they start in the right direction and they know how their wedding is going to look and how they are going to achieve it with their budgets set for them. If you found a planner who did this near you, you could arrange a meeting with your mum being there. Give the planner a heads up about why you need them to be there, which is really to give a professional confirmation about YOUR ideas but they should also be able to listen to your mum and involve hers too. A lot of the time parents think they know best as you are too young/naive/inexperienced to possibly understand what is involved in planning your wedding, but once they've had confirmation from a professional who does know how to plan a wedding their views soon change.

It's something to think about and I hope you manage to sort things out before it's too late

Ruth

x