Help (please) - Jewish Funerals - advice / link to guidance gratefully received

Sorry to hear this, can't be of much help but wanted to bounce it for you.

My nephew's funeral (in Canada) was within a week, but he was stillborn so not sure if that is why. The one tradition that was different is that the men attending (family) all took it in turns to fill the grave.

Sorry I can't be of more help.

It does depend on what type of funeral it is. If it is reform or liberal then it is not much different from a standard funeral in the UK - secular or christian. However if it is orthodox in any way then there will be certain equitette - most of it is easy enough to take / follow the lead of others and they shouldn't want you to feel out of place.

Make sure you are wearing reasonably long sleeves and have a cardigan with you - no low tops etc. Trousers for women are acceptable but probably best to wear a skirt below the knee if you can. There should be a small hat for the males to put on by the door of the funeral place if you dont have one yourself. There will first be service and then the body will be taken out to be buried. If it is orthodox the coffin will be in the middle and the males will file and stand / sit around one side of the coffin and the females will beon the other. Stand up and sit down (if there are seats when others do). The close males in the family will undertake the mourners prayer - your son may be asked to stand with them - may not - generally it's children/parents and siblings - but sometimes it goes further down as well. Ask the father to look after son and guide him should he need to do anything. There will also be the normal piece about what type of man he was etc. At the end you all file out passed the family or possibly after the burial. You should wish the closest moruners who will probably be sitting on low seats - a long life - just say 'we wish you a long life'. You can say other stuff - but if you're not close or dont know them well then dont worry - if you want to make contact then do this.

Then those that want to can go out to the burial plot - if it is in one of the london cemeteries bear in mind it could be a long walk - as the burial places are few - but huge - other funerals will probably be going on in other halls while your one is. After another short ceremony the body will be laid to rest - the family then throw some of the soil on the coffin - your son may be expected to do this also - again follow the lead from cousins etc.

There is normally a reception back at home. The fmaily may chose to undertake 7 days of mourning which will be each night for a week (excluding the sabbath). Your son may be expected to attend one or more of those. Again check with the dad what he is doing and I certainly dont think he should be expected to attend if he is not going. These are short prayers and again wish the principle moruners a long life. It's both showing respect for the dead and also helping the mourners through their grief.

There is other stuff around comitting yourself to be buried only in a white shroud about when the messiah comes (when there are enough people in the world doing good). when all will rise up (from graves) and by going to death in the white shroud you will all be equals - my dad had to fight for grandma to be buried with her wedding ring!! Not stuff you need to know for the funeral. Same stuff about being buried quickly and as whole as possible.

Boy should be dressed in a shirt and trousers minimum.

The key is to follow others lead - if the men and women split up do the same - get up when everybody does and sit down when everybody does - which I guess is the same as in a church. If you need more give me a shout

Thank you!

Here's a link to some short info which will give you some background on reform funerals from the reform website.

If you can tell me where the funeral is going to be held if it's in london I can probably tell you what kind of funeral it will be

Oh and forgot to say - sorry for your son's loss.

Sorry to hear the sad news. What Gabster said is all spot on really; there's not much i can add to that. Unless there needs to be a post mortem the funeral will probably be v soon - a matter of days max. If you're going back to the main mourner's house, it's called the Shiva (pronounced shivver) The family "sit shiva" which is the low seats that Gabster mentioned - you may be asked to go to the shiva which will be very much like any other wake - with nibbles and drinks, only the mirrors will probably all be covered with white cloths (don't be fixing your lippy in front of people) and the chief mourners have to stay seated throughout so they won't be mingling around the room.

At some point during the shiva (people come and go so you may miss this bit) the minister may come (probably at dusk i think..) to say prayers for the dead. These will last about 15 mins and if that happens while you're there just listen and stay put, perhaps chipping in the occasional Amen when others do if you feel so minded. head coverings for boys and men during prayers at the home will also be required. If you can get hold of a yamulke for your son, perfect, but i imagine there will be some made available - a hand on his head if required is better than nothing... in fact i've even seen people use a napkin!! (don't fret about this bit though- chances are no one will be all that worried if they aren't an authodox crowd.)

HTH. Do a goodle on Sit Shiva as well as this may be helpful.

x

In addition to what everyone else has said, generally sending flowers is not the done thing. More so for Orthodox, but just thought I'd mention it.

Sorry for your loss.

Can't offer any advice, but when my H went to the funeral of our best man's brother, he got there late and the best man had all the kippurs in his pocket. As my H didn't want to be disrespectful, he borrowed a leopard print headscarf from a female friend he was with and sat at the back of the synagogue like that. Would've been fine except the best man turned around at one point and got a fit of the giggles of his best mate wearing a lady's headscarf on his head.