HELP - what shall I do?!?!

Hi Future Mrs H

I guess firstly take a deep breath, you are not being unreasonable at all, your cousing made an assumption and didn't think to check it with you first, her mitsake, not yours. I can totally understand you being frustrated, it is very hard working out wedding numbers and it seems like she is trying a little emotional blackmail to get her way. Apart from her feelings about the matter, if you have the extra money for another person I am sure there are people you have met before you would want to invite!

I would definately stick to your guns re the whole, as you say, all your single firends & family will then wonder why they can't bring a +1. It is up to you if you want to open up the evening a little, but again be prepared that ohers may have people to bring? I suppose this only matters if you have maximum numbers or catering in the evening.

TBH if it was me I would call her bluff and put my foot down and if she chooses not to come, more champagne money! Having said that I can be a little feisty ? when people give me ultimatums, so you might not want to take that particular peice of advice!

Sorry if that doesn't help at all

Red

x

I can understand why you're upset but I do think you're being a little unreasonable.

Your cousin does apologise for her assumptions and gives a good reason why he should be there. I don't see why he can't come to the evening do as its not a formal evening meal so should be okay?

I know she's known about the wedding for a year but when you live apart it can be really hard to co-ordinate travel + meeting up and perhaps this was the only weekend he could do?

Regarding other people not having plus ones - its none of their business who you choose to invite or make allowances for .

Hope that's not sounding too harsh - your cousin sounds okay I don't think she's trying to emotionally blackmail you As you say you're not that close and she doesn't see her boyf. all that much.... so perhaps she would rather spend the time with him if push comes to shove?

Anyway I hope you're okay

SG

I'd agree.....Call her bluff and say its just not possible, and if she doesn't come, then fine! But again, if someone backs me into a corner, I'm too stubborn to back down!

There is logic that he may have booked the flight for that weekend as he thought he was coming. Without knowing anything about him, is there no-one else he could spend the weekend with?

Depending on your numbers, you could open up the evening to +1's, as from what you've said, he'd probably be there anyway.

Hmm this is quite hard. your cousin has been unreasonable and made loads of assumptions in him being invited, and arranging his trip to the UK over the same weekend so i can see why you are annoyed.

part of me says to compromise. i think the main issue with this is, if you DID invite him for the evening, how many others would you need to invite? if it's only a few, i would just bite the bullet and invite him (and the other +1's) for the evening. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't like it much. but if it's loads, and will be a massive additional cost, then i wouldn't. i wouldn't invite him for the whole day under any circumstance though.

but part of me wants to tell her to get stuffed. it's your wedding and you'll invite who the hell you want. if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to come.

i'm guessing by the way i'm on the fence that the above won't help much!

I am afraid i am one of those assuming types who thinks they can bring their partners so to be fair to your cousin shes prolly always assumed that she can bring him; he'll get to meet the family and they'll get a nice romantic weekend staying in a hotel. She had it all planned.

Had it not been the same hotel, I would have opted for the evening invitation but yea you're right, the day situation does look awkward now and you'll cousin will prolly spend most of the day upstairs or in the bar with her bloke, if shes not sulking during the proceedings of course...

however, extra guests mean extra pennies and others missing out on not having their partners there so tell her NO to the day and yes to the evening. Tbh, you're gonna be having such a lovely time and so busy I bet you wont notice either of them!

Gha! Families!!!

I sympathise. My OH doesn't want anyone we don't both know (as in properly 'know' rather than just met) at our wedding. I'm more easy going about it but it's his wedding day too. So, we have compromised and are having a very small ceremony (13 people) and then the rest of family and close friends to the breakfast. Then more folk for the evening. He has little family and is inviting friends to his 'side' of the ceremony. My Mum however is questioning why we want 'strangers' (e.g. our friends) there when I'm saying no to uncles, aunts etc. But they're not strangers to us, whereas my uncles ARE strangers to him! We cut the numbers down from 20, so my Mum doesn't have to field awkward questions from her brothers etc. And we've given each of those 13 a 'role'.

Anyway, enough prattling on about me.

Yours is a tricky situation. I would invite him to the evening only and not open that 'can of worms'. He won't cost much as an evening guest, and perhaps you can invite the other family's 'plus ones' to this too. If he doesn't live in the area he can always do a bit of sightseeing/tour bus during the day.

I reckon she assumed all along that he would be invited and that's why they have arranged his visit. I take it she hasn't been married and is in all probability completely unaware of the difficulty in deciding numbers and just how much things can spiral out of control. She probably thinks "one more person won't break the bank" but won't have thought about the domino effect that has when everyone else hears about it, and the family politics that will erupt.

How about you tell a little fib and say you have had similar requests from, say, eight other friends/family members and that to accomodate one means to accomodate all, which would cost you an extra £xxx out of an already tight budget? She probably honestly hasn't thought about this.

Try to see her as being 'thoughtless' in the true sense of the word rather than her being difficult and stroppy.

On the matter of whether you really want HER there, I read an interesting way of deciding your numbers;

If you would go to the person's funeral they get invited to the evening. If you would go to their funeral and cry they get invited to the whole day.

Good luck with it and let us know how you get on ?

I think I would stick to the original plans and not give in to inviting him for the day as I would feel exactly the same and feel guilty about the others without plus ones. I'm guessing that he arranged to visit that weekend because they assumed he'd be invited, but at the end of the day I think your cousin should have maybe checked with you before making the arrangements. I would perhaps consider inviting him to the evening although I do sympathise with the whole thing about what he'd be doing during the day.

It's a tough one. Let us know it goes x

Thats just emotional black mail to get her own way. If you say yes to her plus 1 what about everyone else who wants to bring there plus1 too ( sounds like a maths question!)

Its your day you have told her why you have said no, she knew about the wedding for 12 months so should have asked you before he booked tickets

x x

Thanks everyone

You have all helped.

That’s a good point MrsMcB2B about her being ‘thoughtless’. And I think you’re all right – she probably did assume that he’d be invited all along before they booked the tickets… She’s only 22 and not married so probably doesn’t really understand how it all works, and hasn’t ever been in the situation.

I think I might just call her bluff. I would invite him to the evening, but that would mean he’d be hanging around all day and as selfish as it sounds I really don’t want him to be, as it would be a reminder all day long that I’d been mean and not let him come. We’d also then have about 14 other people we’d have to do evening plus 1s for, which I really can’t afford.

I think I’d be more willing to invite him to the evening if she hadn’t said the bit about her having to make other plans for the day.

Thank you all for your advice, I’ll let you know how it all goes!

Wish me luck!

Blimey. I thought that was quite a polite letter and request from your cousin. God help you should someone bring a random to the reception in the evening.

Gah! this happened to us last week when we recieved a rsvp from a friend of h2bs with his girlfriends name on it too- who we didnt even know existed and definatly didnt invite. I was really upset and angry that he had presumed it would be ok to in effect invite his girlfirend without even asking! it turned out that h2b did actually know about her but had forgotton about her. and we have ended up having to add her on because we have invited partners of our other friends, but i have never met this girl and dont particularly want ther there, But i feel too guilty to say no which is ridiculous. But we couldnt justify saying no after that i would have felt too bad. i hope your braver than me. i wish we had said no, but i couldnt as i knew he must have already told her about it.

Nothing has stressed me out so far in relatin to the wedding but when i opened that i turned into bridezilla!!!

Anyway i would be angry and can understand why you are, and to me it definatly seems to be a guilt trip to make you give in. I think people cannot realise the expense for each person, i agree its unthoughtfulness though. and if you say yes to him, theres bound to be a load of others who say why can he come if my partner cant. And if shes only been seeing him 6 months whos to say its a serious relationship? they could split up or anything and then youd have a stranger in all your photos! i think its unreasonable for him to go to the wedding as you have never even met him! i can see her view too but i think it would be better for him to meet the family another time and not on your big day.

I hope you get it sorted anyway and do what is best for you

xxxx

Thanks!

That’s a nightmare about him writing his gf’s name on the rsvp Debi! I just think some people don’t understand how it all works. And maybe I didn’t either before I was planning one myself – I can’t remember!! I know what you mean though – this is my first Bridezilla moment too and I really don’t like it. I don’t need the extra stress, I’ve enough to think about! If I was having a big wedding (and had lots of cash) then I’d probably say more the merrier, but we made the decision to only have people who are family and close friends, and that’s what we want!

And yes - I would probably be hopping if someone brought a random to the evening – how rude!! I wouldn’t dream of doing that at someone else’s wedding! Although by that point I’m sure I’ll be having a wonderful time and probably won’t care!!

I also agree it was a politely written email.

I bet that, once she'd realised it was her mistaken assumption that her man was invited, she agonised over how to word her request to you. Bet she'll feel pretty daft to go back to him and say "oops! I've made a mistake!". If they've only been together 6 months she'll possibly be worried more about what he think of her than what you do.

Even so,stick to your guns on wahtever you decide.

im glad you think that too, i felt like i was being a right cow at the time for being so upset about it! and by then he had obviously told her so there was no way of saying no without upsetting somene! aagghh!

I know what you mean exactly, and why would you want someone at the wedding, ot the night do, who is a stranger!?! i certainly wouldnt. especialy when there were others we would have loved to invite to the day but had to exclude due to numbers. and now i have a grudge against the poor girl and its probably not her fault at all! ill have to getover it before i meet her!

i think you should definalty stick to your guns as its your big day and what you want. dont let anyone guilt you into doing something against what you decided

xxx

Thanks - it's good to hear other people's opinions on how emails are worded, as I think sometimes it just depends what frame of mind the reader's in! Now that I'm a bit calmer I've been reading it again and I have to say I still think it's a little like emotional blackmail.

I think I'm going to have to say no, mainly because of not having done plus 1s for her 3 siblings, my 2 siblings or H2B's 3 siblings or any of out single friends. Plus I really don't want him to be hanging around all day as it'll just make me feel guilty! Although now I guess if she decides to come, he could still be doing that!

I feel really bad about it, but I just don't think I can have one rule for one and a different rule for everyone else.

I think either way I'll feel bad, cos if I say yes I'll feel bad for all mine and H2B's siblings who didn't get plus 1s and our single friends and other cousins who didn't. But then if I say no, I'll feel bad for her.

Aaargh. People shouldn't do this to brides-to-be 4 weeks before their weddings!

I really do think that you are maybe overreacting a little re the email. Yes it is frustrating when people think they can invite people who aren't invited, but it does sound like an honest mistake and in no way intended to be malicious or emotional blackmail. She actually sounds very polite and not wanting to cause too much offence.

When you say that other siblings don't have plus ones, are they in relationships or single? I ask as its a little unclear from your posts. If they are single, then I don't see why this should be a problem as she is clearly not. Not having a plus one if you are single is to be expected but when you are in a relationship (for more than a few weeks!) it can easily be assumed that the other half is invited to at least the evening do.

As another poster has said it can be difficult to coordinate meeting when in a long distance relationship especially as it seems he has to fly over here. Could those guests who do have partners that are not invited to the day come to the evening if it is an informal day? That way everyone's happy and there are no stresses!