Help...argh...I know what I should do, but putting it into practice is a whole other ball game

Sounds like an impossible situation but I think if he really does care for you as much as he says he does when you make the decision to finish it he may change his mind. I can't offer any similar stories but want to wish you luck.

I agree with sunset. If he really cares for you he will step up and if he doesn't then you have your answer, as hard as it is to take. As for dealing with it there is only time.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ This is a good site I think.

In my previous relationship before I met my H, with D, I knew it wasn't going anywhere - the whole thing was on his terms too. Initally that was fine as I was fed up of dating/seeing guys who wanted to get engaged/move in way before I was ready. However, after a while (several years!), I wanted more from our relationship. I told him I wasn't happy and didn't know how long I could carry on with things how they were. I didn't expect (or even want) things to change immediately, I just wanted to talk about some kind of future for us. Things didn't change though. He "didn't know what he wanted". We stayed together but, mentally, I moved on. I couldn't put any sort of priority on our relationship knowing that he wasn't all that interested. It took another year after our initial chat but it ended. I'd been prepared to sell my house and change job to move to where he lived (about 70 miles away) but, when it was obvious that the relationship wasn't going any further, I planned major renovations to my house. The split was easy as neither of us were really all that bothered by that point.

So, what I did was to choose to see my friends over him. I generally saw him every other weekend but if that conflicted with something else, I didn't see him. I wasn't comfortable in his house so I stopped going there and he came to see me. I decided that if I was going to stay in my house then there were changes I wanted to make, so I planned to do them. He had a nasty habit of phoning me while doing something else (driving, walking, eating ?) and then didn't talk. I used to chat to fill in the silence but I stopped doing that so we had pretty much silent phone calls. I'm sure he cared for me but struggled to talk about it/show it.

I met my H while stay seeing D (although we were just friends until I split with D). We are now married. D phones me occassionally. The last time he said that he would like to meet someone - I just thought that he had that and threw it away.

I hope it all works out, one way or another.

Have you ever heard of the saying "Let them go and if they come back they are truly yours"?. Sometimes it works in your favour, sometimes it doesn't. I guess the only way to know it is to let him go.

It seems like you put up with a lot of rubbish from your partner and don't get what you want. 6 years is a long time not to get any affection, and now you are in a very similar situation where your needs aren't being met.

If someone says they don't want to be in a 'proper relationship' but don't want you to see anyone else they are being unfair to you imo.

I'm assuming you want a long term, loving, affectionate, stable relationship. If that is what you want then you have to say that and not settle for a very poor second which is what you have. (Some woman are happy with an on/off casual arrangement and that's fine, but if that's not what you want then it will gradually just wear you down, destroy your vitality and confidence and make it even more unlikely that you will get what you want).

You have to tell him what you want. You are not putting any pressure on him to be that person. If he doesn't want a 'proper relationship' then he isn't the man for you. Let him feel the pain of losing you a little. You're sorry he has baggage from his previous marriage and it is up to him to deal with that himself, not carry his problems with his ex into his relationship with you.

You can have a 'proper relationship' and still see each other a couple of times a week (it's called dating!). You don't have to move intogether, get married straight away just because you are in an exclusive relationship. However it is something that you both consider that could happen some time in the future. You agree at some point the dating will end and it will become more serious when you are both ready. Perhaps that's what he is afraid of. He thinks a 'proper relationship' has to be all consuming, whereas all it means is that you are dating exclusively and are working towards the same goals.

It's risky. You might lose him. You might not. He might disappear off, never to be seen again, he might disappear off and a month later realise what a mistake he made.

All the time you are with him in the current arrangement you aren't allowing space for what you want to appear.

I have to say it is hard. But find that thing inside you that says 'I'm not going to allow myself to be treated like this. I deserve more for myself.' And you will find it inside you. It's there. It might not be him that fulfills what you want, it might be someone else. But at least you will know where you stand.

(btw - saying 'I love you' only when drunk doesn't count - sorry. I'm sure it feels fantastic as you were so starved of affection for so long. But if he doesn't say it when sober, it's not enough).