Honest opinions please - re relationships

Depends whether that hypothetical person has honestly tried to address their partner's perceived inconsiderate behaviour to their best ability. If that is true, then staying with them is definitely the worst option in the long run. Your own misery will transfer onto those around you in the end.

Hmm. I think that if the atmosphere would be better if you split, then a split is the way forward. Money, cars, holidays etc - not as important as mental health and wellbeing, for you or children. I went from an ok relationship into a blank future on my own - because for me it was crunch time. 'Better the devil you know' is rubbish IMO.

I suppose it would entirely depend on what you consider quality of life. If I was living with someone I couldn't stand purely for practical reasons then I wouldn't really think that as having a good quality of life.

FWIW when my parents split up when I was 10 we had to move to a smaller house in a "bad" area, we had no foreign holidays for a good few year and sometimes we struggled to make ends meet, but it was still 100 times better than living with parents who couldn't stand each other. IMO we had a better quality of life then than we did before.

Leaving just seems so complicated though - money, housing, families, childcare, the problem of having joint friends etc etc etc.

I wouldn't care about the rights or wrongs.

But <cliche> Life's too short</cliche>.

You'll be surprised at just how much hardship and inconvenience you can put up with when your life's your own.... Even really shtty situations (and it may well be shtty) can be looked on with fondness when you realise you're your own mistress. NEVER put up with less than you deserve, you're cheating yourself, your children and anyone else involved.

Bite the bullet.

I think ultimately it depends on how much you value your own happiness.

As difficult as it seems to have to start your life again (I mean home, money, work mainly) it can be done and in the end it will be better. The heartache caused to the children will surely be worse in the long run if they are brought up in an unhappy home?

My mum stayed in a very unhappy marriage for many years and although I was too young to remember her misery, knowing now how sad she was back then, makes me feel so desperately sad for her. She stayed because she was worried about the effect on us children but I would have much preferred her to have split long before she became bitter towards my father. She is happy now but to think she spent most of her adult life so unhappy is truely awful.

Thing is it's not horrendously awful all the time and certainly not abusive. Just dissatisfying and frustrating and generally not what I envisaged life being really. There is frequent bickering and a general lack of respect - on both sides I think. It's not a new thing either, things have been this way for quiet some time. Various things that happened over Christmas and today are just bringing it all to a head.

I felt like this with my Ex, luckily there were no children but there was the money, family, home and friends thing to consider. I'd been unhapy for about 2 years when I left, I'd spoken to him on many occasions about the things that were wrong with our relationship and what we needed to work on. Each time he said things would change but the didn't.

It got to the point where I was resenting having to be in the same room as him, he annoyed me and I didn't love him, I was truly unhappy and used to opt to go to bed as soon as I could so I didn't have to spend time with him (sometimes by 7:30). I won't lie it was hard leaving, I thought he loved me ( I think I was wrong) and I felt so guilty over ending our marriage but I knew I needed to do it for my own sanity. I still get upset if I think about the night I told him it was over it was horrible, I felt I'd distroyed his life (I now know differently).

Things got really rough for a long time, mainly with my family being twunts about it and 4 years on there is still fall out from it now, but ultimatly I know that if I'd not have ended it I'd have lost my sanity as I couldn't go on living my life feeling like that and that I know I did the right thing even though it was and continues to be a thorn in my side.

If you fancy a chat about things email me through my bowski profile. ?

Thanks Bowski. I might do that sometime, think I'm gonna go reheat some pizza in a minute and maybe have a glass of wine.

My H is currently snoring on the sofa, where he has been since 6:45pm after drinking several pints in the pub all afternoon. This is one of the major source of annoyance and something which caused me embarrassment and upset over xmas and H does not seem to understand why I might be annoyed - he just thinks that I am the 'Fun Police'. I am just fed up of feeling like I have 3 children, not 2 tbh. I am ready to start having a more grown up life, but H doesn't seem to want to move on and will not put me, the kids or anyone else for that matter before himself!?

Ah well, I am going out with a friend tomorrow who is also having relationship problems, of a different sort, so we will have a good old girlie chin wag over some wine!!!

Does your OH know how you feel? I mean really know. Does he have any idea that you feel like you could call it a day? Do you think some sort of couples counselling could help?

Its a tough one but just because things aren't abusive etc, doesn't mean you don't deserve more. You deserve to be happy, not just be plodding along ?

That is a very good point. At the moment I think what my son is learning from his Dad is how to binge drink, act like an MCP and lose your temper every 5 mins! He has had some behavioural issues, which have improved of late but no thanks to H IMO - it's me constantly trying to make peace between them and make H stop and think sometimes. He just doesn't seem to see what a bad example he is setting.

Slightly different situation as I don't have kids, but years ago I was engaged to a guy and living together and I was deeply, deeply unhappy. There was no violence or anything like that, but he was very selfish and moody and extremely controlling. It was his way or no way. I'd discussed it with him over and over, but nothing improved.

We were buying a house and on the eve of exchange of contracts something in me snapped and I packed a bag and left. I walked away with what I had on my back and in my bag and nothing else (the money to buy the house was his and he destroyed my stuff when I left). I'd moved 100 miles away from home to be with him, I had only 3 friends in the area, barely any money and just a part time job.

I was homeless for a few days (slept in the car) then found a room in a shared house. I lived literally hand to mouth for about 4 months until I managed to get myself more work and get straight.

I never once regretted it - it was totally liberating and I was much happier, even with nothing. I was absolutely sure the relationship was dead and if you are too, and that there is no going back, then you know what you have to do. Kids bounce back, you'll get sorted out eventually and you'll all be happier.

I have told H in no uncertain terms how close I am to leaving him. He has said 'please don't' in his pleading little boy way! Then told me that all I need to do is tell him what to do and he'll do it. So I've said he should do his own ironing, cook dinner once in a while and do his fair share of housework, plus stop the afternoon drinking!

We have been here beforw so I shall see how it goes, but I am so close to the edge that if he doesn't prove himself I think I will go - or make him go. Is it possible to live on 24k though, with 2 kids & a cat, plus whatever maintenance he'd give me?

24k is more than we live on and we are together with a child (and stepson) and two cats and a mortgage and a car, so I would say it was extremely possible.

I stayed with my ex for the same reasons, I couln't cope on own, my children would suffer, financially I would struggle etc.. but I left. And it was the best thing I ever did. Yes it was hard for all the reasons I mentioned but I was happy. I gave myself my life back and I never regretted it for a second.

As someone who is currently in the position of having a spouse leaving me, I would say are you sure you've done everything that you can do to save the marriage, e.g Relate. Don't make any rash decisions, think everything through carefully.

I spent a year knowing things weren't great and wondering if I loved him enough. It was only when he told me he was leaving I realised how much I did love him and saw how the problems had built up over time. I also saw how those problems could have been addressed before we got to the splitting up stage.

What I'm trying to say is my perspective of it all changed when the split became real. You may find you don't really want to leave him, that it's more just fantasy than something you want to happen when it comes to it. Alternatively you may be absolutely sure and it could be what's right for you. In which case the practical stuff will sort itself out, although I can't really comment on the children slant as that's my biggest worry at the moment.

But the thing I've found hardest to deal with is not being given a chance to make it work, so at least you've talked about it to your H and told him how bad it's got. Mine didn't do that and I've kept focussing on that.

My mum stayed in a crappy relationship with my Dad because of the kids and money and it was horrible growing up in an atmosphere of low grade unhappiness. I found out after I left home that he'd had a string of affairs, mostly abroad and with prostitutes throughout my childhood and I have no respect for him at all. They are still together and bicker and snipe at each other all the time, it is very uncomfortable spending time with them so I mostly don't. I just feel really sorry for my mum that she couldn't make the break years ago.

This is no doubt going to get me flamed but.....

I think if you have made a commitment to someone, and especially if you have children involved, then you are under a certain responsibility not to leave just because you are unhappy but instead to first exhaust every possibility of making the relationship work. In particular I would say that in that situation the person at least has a responsibility to either go to counselling as a couple before deciding to leave or going to counselling on their own (if their partner won't go too) before deciding to leave.

My partner left last year and I can honestly say that while everything everyone else has said is true (ie that you will survive practically speaking and that you can be happy on your own) it is also true that breaking up a child's family has a huge effect on them. Yes it is better than the child living in an atmosphere of constant arguing and fighting. But it's nowhere near as good as the child living with both parents together where they have struggled through their differences and worked out a way of being togeter without arguing. Personally (and here I will get flamed again) I believe that unless there has been an incident that makes the relationship truly irrevocable then the parents have a duty to their children to try to sort their differences out. I'm not saying couples should stay together no matter what but when children are involved, then I truly believe hey should make every effort not to put the children through the trauma of them splitting up.

I would also ask how long you have felt like this? all relationships go through peaks and troughs so unless it's been really thoroughly miserable for a long and sustained period then I would definitely be trying to sort things out.

From my highly biased and skewed perspective, I couldn't agree more.

Me too.

You asked for honest opions, CB - have you not recently posted about wanting to leave your husband for an ex? Forgive me if I've mixed you up with someone else, but I think this would be a rather large factor in your your relationship.

No that wasn't me!

There is nobody else involved, in fact I am completely off men and find it hard to have any sexual feelings for H at all at the moment and am not even sure if I could even ever fancy anyone else!

The reasons people have stated above for staying together is why we are still married. Both of us come from 2 parent homes where our parents have been married only once, to each other, and are still married. I never thought I would ever get divorced - to me marriage was always a lifelong commitment.

We have been married for 11 years, had a difficult start as we were young and I was pregnant. I'm honestly not sure if we'd be married at all now if I hadn't been pregnant. I have felt like this on and off for at least the last 5 or 6 yrs. We've come to this point before then H has made promises and we've stayed together.

Thing is, although I'm not sure that I am still 'in love' with H, there is affection there. I do care about him, when he's not being a twunt and I think he does love me. It's a bit like that episode of the Simpsons though where Marge kicks Homer out and he comes begging saying he can offer her total, utter dependency. I feel more like his Mum or his big sister much of the time, rather than his wife!

He is trying to suck up to me this morning though. He has gone to pick up my new car for me and keeps telling me he loves me. Ugh I really don't know what to do. Thing is, although I spend a lot of my time thinking that I'd prefer to be on my own, I then also wonder whether the grass would really be greener on the other side!

Have you tried/would you/would he try Relate or similar counselling. It sounds like he needs to understand that you are serious, and you need to explore whether you still love him, just not his behaviour. People can change, however they have to want to do so.

Ultimately I don't think that unhappy households make for happy children, so it does depend on how much you argue/snipe. As a family my mum, sister and I were much happier after mum and dad split up (I was about 7). We were poor as anything, but the house was a happier place to be.

L
xx

Just to clarify, I was not suggesting the reasons above as "reasons to stay married". I was suggesting them as reasons to get some proper help with your relationship. Have you thought about some relationship counselling? Again I may also have got the wrong person (forgive me if I have) but was it you that a few of us suggested family therapy to before and you realy didn't like the idea?

Tbh, I'm really not sure that H would agree to any sort of counselling and if he did I doubt it would be much use because he is virtually incapable of talking about his feelings. I have tried to get him to talk before and he really does find it completely impossible. I'm not sure if it's that he can't identify his feelings or if he doesn't have the emotional language to put them into words, but all you can ever get out of him is 1 words answers!

Have you asked him if he'd try some form of counselling/therapy? Counselling can help even the most emotionally stunted of people, so I don't really think you can say it would be no good for him. You may not physically see it, but it doesn't mean to say it doesn't work.

I think, for your own peace of mind if nothing else, you need to have tried every avenue available to you before you leave, and at the moment you haven't done that.

Good luck.

Just looked at Relate website and there is one near us. Do you have to pay for their services and if so, how much? Do they do evening/weekend appts do you know?

I don't know, I have a feeling there's a voluntary contribution thing going on, but I could be wrong. They definitely do evening appointments, give them a ring and ask what their hours/rates are.

Also, you may not get an appointment straight away, don't let that stop or deter you though. Even if you do ultimately decide to leave, Relate will help with making it as amicable as possible.

I agree with everything lucylu said but on the other hand i have divorced parents myself and recently my mum and stepdad split up too. In both marriages my mum has been emotionally abused.

My own father cheated and lied constantly and my stepdad is an alcoholic so from the perspective of a child with a stepdad who drank a ridiculous amount and who had a terrible temper on him i know that there does come a point when for your own sake you have to say enough is enough. Kids get through it, my sisters are coping fine and infact are a lot happier without the awful atmosphere in the house and i enjoy being at home with my mum now that i know my step dad isn't going to be around all the time making things awkward. And also tsisters started to treat my mum the way my step dad did and although they still have mouths on them they arent nearly as bad anymore.

I was also in an awful relationship for three and a half years where my ex made my life hell. his way or no way and i barely saw friends or went out or did anyhing unless he let me. So again it was a case of my own sanity or staying with him.

Whilst i agree that you should do everything you can to save your relationship, i think if you find that it is starting to harm your own wellbeing then you know it is time to leave. As for the money aspect i would imagine you could probably get by if you needed too.

I might see if I can get him to give it a go.

You see this morning he is making an effort and being nice to me, letting our daughter watch her TV programmes instead of just turning over and ignoring her protests like he usually would. He can be considerate when he tries, it's just that he often doesn't think about the impact of his behaviour on others - esoecially when he's had a few pint!

I've been to Relate recently. Their 'standard' rate is £40 a session. We were told that the minimum to pay was £15 and managed to negotiate them down to £20 for our second assessment session. We didn't go after that as the counsellor couldn't counsel my OH as he turned up drunk and slurring (the reason we are now apart is he is an alcoholic). She offered me individual counselling which I am unable to pursue due to lack of funds but will be speaking to my GP (on the counsellors) advise to see if I can get some individual counselling on the NHS.

My OH also doesn't think he 'needs' counselling which doesn't help my situation, but if your OH agrees to go I definately think it's worth pursuing. The counsellor we saw was lovely and if my OH had been more open to it I think she could have helped us, whether it be to stay together or seperate more amicably.

(and FWIW, my children are happier without him in the family home).

Steph

God there's no way he'd go for it at £40 per session, he won't even let me shell out £18 pw for a cleaner even though he knows how much I am struggling to keep on top of things!

I might give them a ring and find out where we'd stand with fees etc.