how do you conquer irrational jealousy?

Hi

i know how you feel in a way. Just one question, have you ever been unfaithful either to current partner or in the past. In my case it is pure guilt as i was 'bad' in a previous relationship a long long time ago but the feeling of insecurity remains. Does this make sense? if not just ignore me. i think counselling provided correctly could help you though. xx

You rise above it and focus on the positive and wonderful things that you give your H, and that you share together. And maybe have a voodoo doll on the side ?

I know how you feel, it's horrid isn't it. I would say just point out to your H enough times that he does need to be alert and mind his Ps & Qs so that nothing that could possibly ever be misconstrued is said - for all sides involved.

mer-wah x

ps yes, conquer ?

No, no i've never been unfaithful to anyone and neither has he, its totally irrational.

i think he's got the idea now Flump, i've told him he can do work stuff and group stuff but he can't spend time with her on his own unnecesarily. I have to let him know when i feel better about the situation. Its just that when i thought he had the idea he still told me that next field trip they've decided that they are going by motorbike rather than 27 hours on a coach. It wasn't long after I said "er, i can tell you, you're not" that i went to pieces again, he's totally dim, because there is nothing going on he seems not to think about how things may look to a loopy wife ?

Ugh, how awful! I had similar things with my ex, but I was right so that isn't much help. Could you get to know her better? ?

What is making you feel jealous? Have you felt like this before about her/ another woman he knows/ in previous relationships?

Sounds horrible for you ?

If I knew the answer to that, my ex might not be my ex. If you see what I mean.

But I think part of the problem is that you say "he seems not to think about how things may look to a loopy wife", but how often do you think what it's like being hit repeatedly with false accusations? More to the point, how often do you think about what message these are sending?

I still vividly remember the quicksand-like feeling of being falsely accused of infidelity, because not only was I being asked to prove a negative, but my girlfriend had effectively told me point blank that she didn't trust me, that she seriously believed I would cheat on her - despite no track record or conceivable motive. In other words, when faced with two possibilities, she plumped unerringly for the one that showed me in the worst possible light, and it was often the one that was the least logistically plausible as well.

And that's what ultimately destroyed our relationship - it kept going for a year after the first accusation, but she just wouldn't drop the subject, until I finally I decided I'd had enough and walked away. Because I just couldn't win: she wasn't offering me any room to manoeuvre.

By contrast, things are brilliant with JK - I genuinely can't imagine her cheating on me, and I'd hope she feels the same way (she certainly hasn't hinted otherwise). But I like to think we're both completely rational about this - neither of us has any conceivable motive for cheating on the other, so as far as we're concerned it's not going to happen, and only rock-solid evidence to the contrary is going to persuade us otherwise.

Just coming back to this, as I have a similar sitch going on at the mo - an ex-fling has been sending chatty texts to Mr G recently, so he thought it would be a good time to apologise if he ever hurt her in the past, which led to her getting the wrong end of the stick and throwing herself at him again (argh!). I have learned (with the passage of time and by reminding myself that I'm fab?) to get completely wound up by this kind of sitch, because I know what an utter clueless numpty he is, and also how completely faithful he is (partly because he's not clever enough not to be, bless!).

How long will he be tutoring this student? Have there been any specific incidents to give you cause to worry, i.e. you think she might fancy him? That's the kind of situation where I would start to quietly seethe, I know. It's grim but def try to remain cool comme une concombre! The most important thing is you've made your point to H, and as you say, it's irrational jealousy. Student schmudent! ?

I am actually having therapy for this at the moment and what I'm learning is that most of the time it's not irrational. It may not be a perfectly logical conclusion, but it's not irrational either. My boundaries are tighter at the moment for a variety of reasons and I can't just change that, so I have to make compromises with my boyfriend that I don't want to have to make. It's proper fear, I tried to not let it get to me but I spent a week waking up every day feeling sick because I was so anxious about it all.

The more I relax about the fact that this is just how it is right now, the easier it gets. The more I tell myself I shouldn't be feeling like this, the more I do! And tbh, I just tell myself that if my boyfriend leaves me because of this then he's not the right guy for me. Harsh but probably true considering all the effort I'm putting in to not feel like this!!!

Thanks all.

I do trust him and i know 100% there is nothing going on, i really do and he knows i do BUT when he mentions her i feel bad. I know her and i really like her but the problem is that she is everything i used to be (clever, interested in her job, interesting, thin) and i'm none of those things anymore. A lot of it is self esteem on my part.She'll be around for at least 3 years so i have to get used to it. I've never felt like this before and I know these feelings are ridiculous i just wish they would stop.

ah well, that's set me up nicely for another day being shouted at in a call centre ?

thanks for the advice i do appreciate it, thank you Mr JK for your replies.

?

I felt a bit like this about my husband's trainee a couple of years ago- beautiful, talented, sharing his office and working with him 10h a day, doing the job I want to do...sob. For me, what helped were the following:

- being extra nice and welcoming to her, inviting her round etc, so that my relationship to her wasn't just "boss's wife", she seemed more like an actual person (with flaws) because I knew her better and I also got the additional reassurance that nothing was going on as surely they would both have avoided us all getting together if something was going on

- reminding myself that it's quite insulting to my husband not to trust him and how I felt when I went out with a boy who didn't trust me- just awful (bit like Mr JK's scenario)

- trying to separate out my jealousy re my husband and my envy for her. the jealousy was a v small part of it and was based only on the fact they worked so closely together. Having identified the envy aspect- that she's younger, really beautiful, at the start of her career, not tied down and exhausted by children- I tried to use my feelings about that to identify the things I wasn't happy with about myself (overweight, SAHM) and do something about them (lose weight, take steps towards returning to work).

Obviously it's more easily said than done. ?- jealousy is really horrible, esp when you know you're being irrational and therefore feel guilty as well.