How involved are your bridesmaids?

Hi Smokesignal!

When are you planning to get married? Have you thought about sending a card asking them to be your bridesmaid? It's a cute touch if you live far away and more formal than a phone call.

My bridesmaids are not massively involved at this stage, but then one is in the middle of her A Levels and the other is about to give birth! It's mainly been just me and my fiancé doing a lot of the planning and research, apart from when we all went to the National Wedding Show in Birmingham. I suppose my bridesmaids won't be involved until closer to the big day itself. I'm letting them sort the hen do because hopefully they know me well enough to plan something I like! I wouldn't worry about them feeling that another bridesmaid has been helping with things. It should be about making your day special and not about who did what - if they are a true friend they won't even worry about it.

Hope that helps,

Sara

x

Oh epic fail on my part. I've just noticed your ticker! 1 year away is plenty of time to tell your bridesmaids yet. Don't worry x

I'm only having one and she's 11 (will be 12 by the time of the wedding) so not involved at all! She'll have a say in her dress and how she has her hair but we haven't done anything about that yet.

I'm having two! One of them is my best friend and the other is a very close friend. I have asked my best friend, but my other friend hasn't been asked yet. My best friend is naturally involved as I discuss most things with her and we went dress shopping at the weekend, my other friend knows all the details but lives too far away so I havent asked her yet - I plan to do so when we next go for lucnh together. I dont think she will be annoyed that i asked my best friend first, I think that she will just be delighted to be part of the bridal party!

Nearer the time I shall probably call upon them loads to help out with making invitations and sorting little bits and pieces. But at the moment I think my fiancé and I have most things in hand! xxx

Mine weren't involved at all really. MOH helped me to find the dresses so all they had to do was try them and the shoes on.

They only started to show an interest in helping in the last couple of months, by which point everything was done!

Mine have not done anything! I can't even get them to give me their measurements so I can order the dresses. One lives 200 miles away so fair enough but the other I work with! But to be fair I don't really have a lot I can delegate at the moment.

I have 4, one's my sister so she's involved whether she wants to be or not. My cousin said she was looking at dresses but didn't want to send them to me because she didn't feel it was her place - I put that right! My bestie I told over the phone because I planned to see her in person but she had a migraine and cancelled and I didn't want to keep her waiting - to be honest, I think she really appreciated that, we talk about it most days. The other is OH's cousin who lives a few hours away and in the middle of doing GCSEs, so her involvement has been minimal so far, but am getting all the girls together once her exams are done as they haven't all met!

They can help from afar, definitely, and it gets the excitement up. Like I said, I asked 2 of mine over the phone and haven't been able to see them since, so definitely for the best!

x

They did bridesmaid dress shopping and a fruitless trip to try and find shoes to match. While we were shopping, we discussed hairstyles etc, and they settled on an idea they liked.

My mother and sister (MOH) are booking hotel for our trip to Bristol to see Sister Act in November, but the trip was my idea and I booked the theatre tickets. One of my other BMs has a family holiday home in Spain that we're hoping to use for a break in October, but that depends on availability of 3rd and final bridesmaid who's yet to hear about time off.

That's about it though. I occasionally send them pretty pictures of things I like, but I've had since last July so have just been ticking things off the list steadily.

I imagine they'll massively help on the day though, herding guests around etc etc

Im having my 4 year old niece as flowergirl (not involved at all) and my 11 year old daughter as bridesmaid. She will be 5 days shy of 12 at the wedding.

She has been involved in everything. From picking flowers and making invitations to helping me chose my dress and veil. She has also been involved with decision making regarding catering and the cake to what music the dj plays. She has been involved more than the OH lol (who isnt her dad btw). As a single parent, I would not have it any other way. Its been great having this experience and every aspect of it shared with my only child x

I have 3 and we have regular chats in our little wedding group message, I will send pics of things I like/have bought etc but they arent really involved. The things I will task them with, will be getting an overnight bag to our hotel and decorating the room, checking the venue looks ok on the day etc... but my Mum is my helper really

I have 4 bridesmaids & a flower girl

Only 1 has had any involvement - my friend & chief bridesmaid - she arranged my Ibiza hen. The others are my future neices & range from 4-18. I doubt whether any of them (apart from my chief bridesmaid) will be included in my hen do's (I am having 2 or maybe 3!) In addition, I did give them some options for bridesmaid dresses but the ultimate decision went to what me & OH liked.

Hi Libby,

I might be at an extreme end of the spectrum, but my idea of a bridesmaids role is to help the ride on the wedding ittself - not the entire planning process, thet's the role of the fiance. I'm having three bridesmaids, each of which I have chosen because they are special and I want them with me the morning of the wedding. I can't really see what they would need to be involved in during the run up, exceot for what they are wearing and my Hen Do. Everything else has been a joint decision between myself and my OH. Of course, I keep them involved in all wedding-y things when they ask, but i would never assume that they want to be involved in every single detail.

Also, don't feel bad if one is more involved than another - logistically, unless you all live along the same street, you are going to be seeing some more than others. That's just the way it goes.

Personally, I would wait until you can see each one in person to ask them to be your bridesmaid - it is so lovely to see their reaction! They should understand why you wanted to wait to do it face to face.

Happy planning x

I originally had 3, but one is emigrating so I'm down to 2; one MOH and one BM. My MOH has been brilliant at getting involved with the planning - we wouldn't have got our venue without her. She researched BM dresses without any prompting from me and is keeping an eye out for my shoes. My BM isn't quite as involved but I know that I only need ask.

The BM's role will be slightly different for everybody depending on their relationship to the bride, their age, where they live etc. I don't see why they can't have any role in the planning and disagree that only the bride and groom do that. They can be as involved as you want.

I think what's important is to be honest with yourself about what you expect from the outset and pick people who you know can match that or at least you can communicate with. Don't worry about what someone else's idea of a BM's role is. That way you will (hopefully) stay on good terms throughout the process.

I don't see anything wrong with asking them by phone either. I can't even remember how I asked mine!

I've just read Blueypye and Shamys comments, and been mulling it over....

I think I'm veering towards agreeing with Bluey there, as the wedding should be planned by you and your OH, not by you and your bridesmaids. I can see Shamys point of view though, as for example, some men will be less into planning the fine detail of a wedding and less into the Blue Peter sticky back plastic stuff that you might be able to rope bridesmaids into helping you with instead.

So, whilst I'm with Blueypye on that one, I would have LIKED my bridesmaids to have shown more interest at some point. I could honestly count on one hand all the questions that I remember being asked about the wedding by any of my 5 bridesmaids. I knew everything about my friend's recent wedding from the exact meal dishes to the dress, to the shoes, to the hair and make up, to the sequence of events, because I was interested and asked such questions. She is now my bridesmaid, and I can't remember her asking me one such frickin question. I guess I really regret deciding to have bridesmaids. I should have just stuck with my two sisters, as I have felt really disappointed with their lack of interest in the last few months.

BUT, lack of interest aside, I have decided to do something that Blueypye spoke about, and ask them to be helpers on the day. All that stuff that I know has to be done at various points... well....I've written a list, and allocated a batch of jobs to each bridesmaid. None of them are exactly taxing, and none will add up to more than 20 minutes effort for each over the course of the day, but I feel vindicated now for ever being so stupid as to gather so many bridesmaids, now that they can each do something a little useful.

To be honest, I don't remember actually asking anyone to be my bridesmaid. I'm thinking that it might have happened when I was drunk.

Now that is just perfect ❤️

Feeling your pain there. As did my OH with his groomsmen. Honestly, there was a fortnight when we were thinking of sacking off the whole idea and eloping.

I suspect this might have happened to me too

I'm just bitter because I wish my bridesmaids would care, just a tincy bit, LOL. You're lucky Shamy

I figure that my problem has been that I don't have a best girlfriend, so I don't have someone who cares enough to get involved with planning my wedding.

But on the other had, that meant that many moons ago when I met my OH, he became my best friend instantly, as there was no one else to edge out who was already in that role. I love that he is my best friend, and love that he also brings me wine when I want to *** about my crappy bridesmaids, and that he will feign interest when I show him ten different pairs of pearl earrings and make him pick his favourite, LOL. Bless him ❤️

Last time around, none of my bridesmaids were very involved - I even organised my own hen do! But my sister was at Uni, my best friend was working away, and the others didn't drive, so it would have been hard to get them all doing things anyway. This time, OH's sister lives abroad, so the only person likely to be involved is my sister. She's already eager to come dress shopping with me and help plan, so I think this time around she will be very involved.

I've got just less than 3 years til our wedding so my reply probably isn't so relevant haha. But my MOH will be quite involved closer to the time because I'm making all the decorations, invitations and flowers etc myself and she's very creative. My BM will be our daughter who will be 4.5yrs old so probably not involved. I will be asking MOH for her opinions on things but the venue etc will be me and FB2B.

We're all different in our planning so just see how it goes

Me too. I really wanted to elope, as I am not close to my family, they aren't interested, and neither are the bridesmaids or best man. OH wasn't having any of it unfortunately!

Hi Libby,

I would say - let them know as soon as possible! I was unable to see one of my bridesmaids for a few months, but she had seen on FB my other bridesmaids had been told. She assumed that she wasn't going to be my bridesmaid. I felt terrible when I found out.

As to the question, how involved are your bridesmaids. I am so lucky to have very supportive and willing bridesmaids, I just don't know what tasks to delegate! I've tried to think of what qualities I admire in them each, and given them a task, no matter how small, that means something. And that I know they will enjoy and be good at.

It would be really interesting to hear what tasks or duties other B2B have given their bridesmaids.

xx