How long should I wait?

Given that she has organised her own wedding recently she really has no excuse for not letting you know and not doing her best to sort out her time off- she must have had similar issues with numbers and timings- let's face it we all do!

I have to say that my instinct is that she won't be there- either because she genuinely can't get the time off or because for some reason she doesn't want to be... but she is worried about telling you.

If I was in your situation I would be inclined to pick the phone up and ask her if she's been able to get the tone off and if she will be there- if she still says she doesn't know then tell her you need to know by X date so that you can plan your numbers and guest list and ask her to let you know by then. If she STILL doesn't then I'd be messaging her to say 'as I haven't heard from you, I'm assuming you aren't able to come, I'm saddened that my wedding wasn't as important to you as yours was to me and that you haven't let me know what is going on, but under the circumstances we will now be inviting some other friends who do want to be a part of our day' or words to that effect!

Certainly wouldnt bother with the guilt trip suggested by the person above - your wedding might be extremely important to her but unfortunatly its not to her employer and therefore if her employer is dragging its feet itll sadly have to come before your wedding no point being mean and putting the guilt on her.

Weirdly enough she's now replied since I've written this, but still very non committal. Said her head of department has now gone away until January and for some reason she can't just go straight to the actual head directly to ask?! ? But head of department won't be back until January... no idea what date, just said January so she can't find out until then. Thinking about it though she's back in the UK for a couple of weeks in January herself visiting family, so it's certainly not going to be until late January when she lets us know, so about another 6 weeks at least! ?

When is your wedding? Is another 6 weeks going to make that much of a difference?

It's lovely you had made such an effort for her wedding and hen but unfortunatley not everyone does the same for you - as you're sadly finding out by the sounds of it.

I'd send the invites out. There will be a couple on the evening list you will be able to bump up if she cancels and hopefully you will know that quite quickly.

Wedding is second week in May, but as we can only have a maximum of 40 people now, we've had to cut quite a few people off the list who we would otherwise have loved to have invited, and we know would have been so happy to be asked to attend.

I am going to be a bit bitchy here, and say absolutely allocate the money for her, that way you're not overspending if she doesn't come. State to everyone, florist, make up artist, hair etc, there should be two, but due to work commitments there may be 1 bridesmaid, that way they know that at the last minute this may change, and make sure they understand this may change. If she isn't a bridesmaid then you have extra money, if she is, you've allocated for it.

For the dresses, I used them and as long as your 1 permanent bridesmaid and your oldest friend are honest about sizing, look up Ever Pretty on amazon, 3 dresses cost me £89, they are nice quality and cheap, so if you can afford to lose £30 I'd recommend it.

I ended up asking if oldest friend would be offended if I went ahead with plans just with one bridesmaid. I explained the situation and said there were some aspects I would end up losing money on, or have to settle for things we didn't really want if rushing after waiting a couple more months for a definite answer etc. I made it clear I wasn't intending to be harsh or funny about it in any way at all, but just really felt we couldn't wait that much longer on the bridesmaid aspect to have everything the way we want it.

She was absolutely fine and ended up saying even if she'd been in the UK she would have struggled to make the wedding (so not sure why she didn't tell me that back in June instead of leaving us hanging on!), but she's still going to ask if she can get the time off to attend as a standard guest. We'll send invites out for day guests and just say to another couple that we'd like to bump them up to the ceremony too if she does say she definitely can't come. Feel disappointed to not have her as bridesmaid (it's a promise we've had with each other since primary school!), but decided we just have too much on to mess about as though she's coming for another couple of months, and make more work for ourselves, only to most likely be let down (which she's admitted herself). It's a shame but it is what it is, and we'll still have an amazing day celebrating our new little family ❤️

Glad you got it sorted in the end - it's a shame she can't be a big part of the day but I think FWIW you've done the right thing.

We've had a similar thing with one of my best friends, who we asked to be an usher, but he's unsure whether he can make it due to work commitments (& we're not entirely sure when he will know one way or the other!). We had an open conversation about it a few weeks ago & agreed that he'll come if he can but just as a 'normal' guest, I think we were all relieved in the end we'd had the chat!

Thanks! I'm really relieved to have just bitten the bullet to be honest. With so much going on at once for us it was kinda pushing stress levels a bit too much being kept waiting around for so long, with no definite date for an answer to keep in mind/let others know. I'll be so pleased if she can make it as a guest, but as a bridesmaid it just wasn't going to work anymore sadly. I'm sure it's as much of a relief for her too, as keeping me stringing along for so long she was clearly nervous about approaching the subject first with all the effort we put into her day, and the promises that were made years and years ago. It isn't going to work out like that now and it is what it is. If I'm not used to the best laid plans changing by now then I never will be! ?