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Beginner May 2017

How long should I wait?

HappyRedStationery700, 12 December, 2016 at 00:49 Posted on Planning 0 8

The person who was originally going to be my maid of honour (oldest friend but hardly see her due to her travelling a lot) moved abroad in July, and when I last saw her before the move, she said she wasn't totally sure if she'd even make the wedding now as it would depend if new job would let her. As I heard nothing on the subject for ages and had to get planning, it was decided to ask my other bridesmaid to take over the role and have original maid of honour as standard bridesmaid so that I wasn't risking being let down. She still hadn't asked work about the wedding, so we went ahead with bringing the wedding forwards by a couple of weeks due to downsizing and this new date suiting the venue better.

I confirmed the date change a week ago with bridesmaid and asked if she could find out asap whether she could come or not, as we really needed to know for guest list/numbers now due to having a very strict limit and having had to cut a lot of people out. She said she still wasn't sure it would be possible due to work, but she'd do her best to sort it so she could. A week later I still haven't heard anything, so messaged again to ask if she's managed to find out, as we want to finalise guest list and send invites asap. I can see the message has been read but still no reply, even to let me know whether she's mentioned it at work or not.

What would you do? How long would you wait before taking it as she's not coming and filling her two spaces on guest list? I really don't want to invite someone else and then her say she's organised it and have to tell her we can't accommodate her anymore, as I was bridesmaid at her wedding earlier this year, and as I say she is my oldest friend and we always said we'd be a part of each other's big day. But I also need to know in enough time to be able to ask someone else if she isn't coming... and at the moment I'm struggling to budget properly not knowing whether I have one bridesmaid or two, and need to start booking hair and makeup artists etc... Any advice?!?

8 replies

Latest activity by HappyRedStationery700, 19 December, 2016 at 09:58
  • 2BMrsC
    Beginner May 2017
    2BMrsC ·
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    Given that she has organised her own wedding recently she really has no excuse for not letting you know and not doing her best to sort out her time off- she must have had similar issues with numbers and timings- let's face it we all do!

    I have to say that my instinct is that she won't be there- either because she genuinely can't get the time off or because for some reason she doesn't want to be... but she is worried about telling you.

    If I was in your situation I would be inclined to pick the phone up and ask her if she's been able to get the tone off and if she will be there- if she still says she doesn't know then tell her you need to know by X date so that you can plan your numbers and guest list and ask her to let you know by then. If she STILL doesn't then I'd be messaging her to say 'as I haven't heard from you, I'm assuming you aren't able to come, I'm saddened that my wedding wasn't as important to you as yours was to me and that you haven't let me know what is going on, but under the circumstances we will now be inviting some other friends who do want to be a part of our day' or words to that effect!

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  • R
    Beginner June 2018
    RomanticBrownCakes683 ·
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    Certainly wouldnt bother with the guilt trip suggested by the person above - your wedding might be extremely important to her but unfortunatly its not to her employer and therefore if her employer is dragging its feet itll sadly have to come before your wedding no point being mean and putting the guilt on her.

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  • H
    Beginner May 2017
    HappyRedStationery700 ·
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    Weirdly enough she's now replied since I've written this, but still very non committal. Said her head of department has now gone away until January and for some reason she can't just go straight to the actual head directly to ask?! ? But head of department won't be back until January... no idea what date, just said January so she can't find out until then. Thinking about it though she's back in the UK for a couple of weeks in January herself visiting family, so it's certainly not going to be until late January when she lets us know, so about another 6 weeks at least! ?

    She said she can understand how frustrating it must be as they had people messing about during their wedding planning, but she's known about mine for SO long and never made any attempt to even ask work about it, even though they told her when she started that leave was allowed for weddings and funerals back home so there was plenty of opportunity. Now we've had to change the date she's saying it's unlikely she'll be there as it's now in the middle of exam time... but to be honest I am of the feeling that she wasn't going to get it sorted anyway. Then again they're supposed to be coming over in summer to see everyone again anyway and then going on to another country for a few weeks, so it's not like they can't afford it or anything, which is what stings even more that she hadn't attempted to organise anything earlier.
    She herself changed her wedding date by a couple of weeks without checking with anyone (at shorter notice than me), and changed it to a date that clashed with mine and fiance's other plans. I'd bought us tickets for his Christmas present last year to see a band he'd been going on and on about wanting to see since we first got together. Had never managed to get tickets before (tried every year) and got amazing ones! Had to tell him we couldn't go as she'd changed the date of her wedding and as I was bridesmaid and oldest friend etc we couldn't not be there. I felt terrible!
    We were also going through IVF at the time, yet still travelled to two different locations both over two hours away from home, for the hen do and wedding. Had to leave the hen do early to get my injections done, so travelled all that way just for cocktail making and a meal as I felt I couldn't not go at all, and then had to cart my medications and needles with me to the wedding and ask management for a private place to mix and inject etc at the reception so that we could still be there!
    So I have to say I'm so disappointed that after the effort we put into her wedding under the circumstances, and the sacrifices we made when she changed things way more last minute than us, she's had months without doing anything so far to try and make it to ours even though she promised she'd do everything she could ?
    Even though she's now replied, I'm still left in a predicament as I still don't have a definite answer and won't for weeks (even though it's likely to be no). Then we'll only have around 10 weeks until full payments etc have to be made to sort out someone else to be there. I know that's not totally last minute, but again budgeting wise and booking bridesmaid stuff I don't know where I stand (on a very tight budget, which she knows, so I can't afford to lose money but don't want to leave everything last minute and not be able to get what I want). Plus we wanted to let guests know plenty in advance as we're also expecting a baby in 3 weeks. As we've been through so much heartache to get him here, we've decided that he'll be Christened at the same time as our wedding to make it a celebration of our family we weren't sure we would ever have.
    So we want to make sure that we can have as many of our loved ones there as possible, and we could be inviting other family or friends who also mean a lot to us if they're not going to come. Worry that if we don't let people know a fair way in advance that the people we would most like to fill their place won't then be able to make it, but can't ask them and then turn round and say "oh actually our other friends have decided they are coming now so we can't fit you in - sorry!" ? Getting agitated about it now, as it's one person after another letting us down/messing us about over something, and it's all the people who are supposed to be supporting us the most! ? Sorry for the essay ??

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  • DreamsComeTrue2015
    Beginner July 2017
    DreamsComeTrue2015 ·
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    When is your wedding? Is another 6 weeks going to make that much of a difference?

    It's lovely you had made such an effort for her wedding and hen but unfortunatley not everyone does the same for you - as you're sadly finding out by the sounds of it.

    I'd send the invites out. There will be a couple on the evening list you will be able to bump up if she cancels and hopefully you will know that quite quickly.

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  • H
    Beginner May 2017
    HappyRedStationery700 ·
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    Wedding is second week in May, but as we can only have a maximum of 40 people now, we've had to cut quite a few people off the list who we would otherwise have loved to have invited, and we know would have been so happy to be asked to attend.

    My main concern is that she told us back in June that she'd find out and let us know asap, and then has always had some reason why she hasn't yet. So if it's taken 6 months so far, even if she does ask after the 6 weeks or so more, I don't feel that she's going to get a quick response, which could drag out me getting an answer for a few weeks past that as request has to be passed through more than one department...
    That's easily going to take us into February and as well as it messing with guest list I obviously also need to arrange dresses, flowers, hair and makeup etc. I'm on a really tight budget so need to know what kind of money I can allocate to things depending on whether I have one or two bridesmaids, and I don't want to leave booking/ordering things until a couple of months before and end up having to settle for crap due to everything I wanted being out of stock or pre booked etc.
    We've been messed about so much already that it just sucks we're expected to sit and wait for more than likely a couple more months to know what we can do, or risk upsetting her even though it doesn't seem like any effort/consideration has been taken so far on her part... And I was so excited to have them come over and be a part of our day like we were for theirs, and they promised they would do everything in their power to be there for ours ?

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  • T
    Beginner May 2016
    Tidal Wave ·
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    I am going to be a bit bitchy here, and say absolutely allocate the money for her, that way you're not overspending if she doesn't come. State to everyone, florist, make up artist, hair etc, there should be two, but due to work commitments there may be 1 bridesmaid, that way they know that at the last minute this may change, and make sure they understand this may change. If she isn't a bridesmaid then you have extra money, if she is, you've allocated for it.

    For the dresses, I used them and as long as your 1 permanent bridesmaid and your oldest friend are honest about sizing, look up Ever Pretty on amazon, 3 dresses cost me £89, they are nice quality and cheap, so if you can afford to lose £30 I'd recommend it.

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  • H
    Beginner May 2017
    HappyRedStationery700 ·
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    I ended up asking if oldest friend would be offended if I went ahead with plans just with one bridesmaid. I explained the situation and said there were some aspects I would end up losing money on, or have to settle for things we didn't really want if rushing after waiting a couple more months for a definite answer etc. I made it clear I wasn't intending to be harsh or funny about it in any way at all, but just really felt we couldn't wait that much longer on the bridesmaid aspect to have everything the way we want it.

    She was absolutely fine and ended up saying even if she'd been in the UK she would have struggled to make the wedding (so not sure why she didn't tell me that back in June instead of leaving us hanging on!), but she's still going to ask if she can get the time off to attend as a standard guest. We'll send invites out for day guests and just say to another couple that we'd like to bump them up to the ceremony too if she does say she definitely can't come. Feel disappointed to not have her as bridesmaid (it's a promise we've had with each other since primary school!), but decided we just have too much on to mess about as though she's coming for another couple of months, and make more work for ourselves, only to most likely be let down (which she's admitted herself). It's a shame but it is what it is, and we'll still have an amazing day celebrating our new little family ❤️

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  • Chapples
    Beginner June 2017
    Chapples ·
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    Glad you got it sorted in the end - it's a shame she can't be a big part of the day but I think FWIW you've done the right thing.

    We've had a similar thing with one of my best friends, who we asked to be an usher, but he's unsure whether he can make it due to work commitments (& we're not entirely sure when he will know one way or the other!). We had an open conversation about it a few weeks ago & agreed that he'll come if he can but just as a 'normal' guest, I think we were all relieved in the end we'd had the chat!

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  • H
    Beginner May 2017
    HappyRedStationery700 ·
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    Thanks! I'm really relieved to have just bitten the bullet to be honest. With so much going on at once for us it was kinda pushing stress levels a bit too much being kept waiting around for so long, with no definite date for an answer to keep in mind/let others know. I'll be so pleased if she can make it as a guest, but as a bridesmaid it just wasn't going to work anymore sadly. I'm sure it's as much of a relief for her too, as keeping me stringing along for so long she was clearly nervous about approaching the subject first with all the effort we put into her day, and the promises that were made years and years ago. It isn't going to work out like that now and it is what it is. If I'm not used to the best laid plans changing by now then I never will be! ?

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