How much planning does your H2B help you with?

OK, I'll give my opinion - and I may come across as a bit blunt in places - I dont mean to be, its just my opinion!

For starters, I think its actually fantastic that you have different viewpoints and like different things. Personally, my first relationship didnt work because I think we were perhaps too similar in things we liked doing, but not emotionally compatible if that makes sense. Opposites attract and all that...

As far as how much I as a bloke have been involved in the wedding planning, I guess its obvious me posting on here that Im pretty involved and am loving the planning. However, and its a big however, most blokes really arent very involved at all, if I look at my friends as an example. You need to remember that most women (HUUGE generalisation coming up!) think from a very young age about getting married and are often half planning it year before they meet their husband to be. Blokes just really do not think this way. Its just a fundamental difference between the sexes. And I am certain a lot of guys actively try not to get too involved as they are worried about ruining what they see as your dreams for what you want for the day. Ît really doesnt mean they dont want to be married to you - at the end of the day, its the wanting to be married to you that is important and the picture pefect wedding just really just a cool party (ducks head ready to be flamed!) and of course a public way of demonstrating your love for each other. Saying all that, I would hope if you gave him specific tasks to do, he would do them!

As far as the animals goes - youve said yourself theyre your thing, not his. It doesnt sound like he neglets them while youre away (clean a rabbit out 3 times a day?! REALLY!!! ? ) but doesnt share your enthusiasm for them. Sorry if its sounds harsh, but thery are your responsibility and although he should be willing to look after them as part of his commitment to you, it does actually sound like he is doing that, just not to your standards (which you only adhere to because you love your animals so much, not because they actually NEED to be cleaned 3 times a day). Note this is from someone who has had a million animals in their time!

I hope that gives a slightly different view - I really dont mean to sound harsh! Its just us blokes see things a bit differently sometimes!

Thanks not taken it harshly.

I guess it’s a couple of things recently like a stag do he's going to this weekend for a guy he's not even good friends with. He thought as the rest of his mates were going and he was invited he'd go - sounds right yes.. But to say several times if he did get a last minute invite to the evening he wouldn’t go screams something wrong to me..

Also we're on hols and my parents are house sitting the bunnies etc.. And we get invites to go away as soon as we come back. WE decide its not fair on my parents to say do it again so soon so we decline.

Only for me to come home form work last night and him announce he's going to go to V festival that very weekend!! Emaning im tied to staying indoors as its not fair on my parents and WE agreed that.

You may have a good point about different interests being good but im starting to think that if you are in a relationship with someone that thinks like you then your pretty much always perfectly aligned and surely that’s better?

P.s. its not harsh and nice to see if from a mans point of view!

Hmmmm - in which case, it sounds like he's being very inconsiderate and needs a kick up the backside!

I guess with the different interests, I think you need to be aligned with you big picture goals, e.g. both really want to live abroad, not just 1 of you or both want kids, not just 1 of you. What you do for hobbies and interests I think is different and can be better if you are a bit more diverse. I guess from what I understand of your examples, I would say the fact youre into animals and he's in to, say music isnt a bad thing. Where I may worry would be you say youre a country girl and he's a town guy so if your goal was to move to a tiny village in the future and he was adament that croydon was the smallest town he'd consider, that perhaps a healthy balance might be a problem - does that make sense? Not sure Ive explained myself!

Regardless, it sounds like you have concerns, so you need to sit down and work out what you want in life and what the real issues in the relationship are (at least you have this weekend). And then discuss them with him and ensure he understand the issues (dont blame everything on him, guys HATE this! Find a way of expressing it so its not all about him, but so he sees there needs to be change).

HTH!

With regards to the actually wedding planning I wouldn't worry too much. Groomwithaview is a one in a million, I wish my H2B would take over the planning sometimes but in truth he's just not interested. He wants to get married to me but he isn't interested in the details he just wants to turn up on the day. I have mentioned this too him and he just keep saying that he trusts me. He does listen to me when I talk about (which is all the time at the moment) but he doesn't really want to be that involved. I have realised that I am fine with is and lets face it I can have the day exactly as I want it. So it's a win/win situation.

I would definately use this weekend to work out in your head what you really want. I agree with Groomwithaview that it is nice to be different, if you were both the same it would be boring but if you having these doubts now they will only eat away at you as the wedding approaches. I think when you have got your head straight then you need to sit down and discuss your fears with him and hope that things can be resolved. You never know he might have his own concerns, he might surprise you and may be able to get things sorted out so that you are both happy.

I really hope everything works out x

Groomwithaview got it in a nutshell in his first post. I very rarely find the groom involved in the planning.....and i often come up against a lot of frustrated brides because of it. It certainly isn't because they are any less interested or enamoured with being married as on the day its often them that are beaming and gushing most. I do think its a difference in gender perspectives. My partner is in the same business as me and we occasionally do weddings together. I comment on the small details and notice colour schemes and themes.....these details totally go way over his head. Its definitely a man thing!

I also think its very easy to get lazy or complacent in a relationship....so kick up the bum might be in order. Communication is the key. Unless told, people don't always realise the effect their actions are having on you...........its because we all see things from a different perspective. Explaining your perspective to your partner could help.

PS....just realised how many times I used the word perspective in that statement!

I think I'm really lucky in that my OH really involves himself in the planning.

While he doesn't actively look online, he does come up with some great ideas (so now we're having non-coordinating bridesmaids ? ) he will sit with me for hours while we look at invitations, favours etc. He pretends he doesn't but I often catch him reading Hitched over my shoulder ? But, that said, I know that I'm really lucky in this respect. All his mates think he's soft! If they were in the same position they wouldn't be doing much to help.

xxx

My OH doesn't want to get involved with planning but I have told him he needs to get involved next year because I can't do my job (teacher )AND organise a wedding all by myself. He hasn't actually answered me yet about it (!?) but I will insist- but it doens't mean to say he doesn't want to get married- he has said he wnts to stay out of it so that I can have the day of my dreams.

x

First of all, take wedding planning out of it. if you weren't planning a wedding, would you be having the same doubts about your relationship? if so, then you need to address them sharpish. tell him exactly how you feel and see if you can resolve those issues.

if you manage to resolve those issues then great. don't get so het up about h2b not being so involved - my h2b has never really been into the finer details of planning (saying that, neither have i really... ?) but he has never been interested in the slightest in what flowers we have, whether the ribbon round the flowers matches that on the invites, colour scheme, etcetc. plus he probably thinks (and as it happens, i do too....) that you have ages to discuss most of these points, so why does he need to worry now?

I think it is nice that you have different views, as long as you can meet in the middle sometimes thats all good in my book - my OH is a computer addict and would happily spend all day online gaming, used to drive me nuts but then realised I can spend all day at the stables if I want without having to worry about him ha ha

With regards to planning, we are getting married in a church because that is something he really wanted, we decided on the reception venue together, though I actually went to look at other venues with my mum and sister before he even thought about looking, he wanted me to narrow them down cos he thought he was going to get dragged round loads.

Other than that, he has not done much to be honest, though recently he has tried to get involved but rather annoyingly it is for things which have already been organised or chosen (and shown to him etc, he just forgets!)

Thanks everyone.

We had a chat last night and we discussed things.

We discussed how we saw our life progressing as a couple and what we wanted in terms of house location, children or no children etc…

I think a lot of it is the scary bit.

We also discussed things like before we lived together we seemed to make more time for eachother - now it seems there is always something that needs to be done on the house or animals etc that we don’t make time for each other as its easy not to.

We don’t have internet at home so I generally organise everything for holidays, house insurance and a whole host of things which makes me feel like im doing all the work.

Sounds silly as well but im a real control freak so although im complaining that he doesn’t do enough for 'us' I still don’t like giving up the tasks in case they are done wrong.

Anyway I guess time will tell.