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Beginner August 2012

How to sort this problem, and not offend FMIL?

Barefoot, 3 May, 2012 at 15:22 Posted on Planning 0 18

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OK, so my FMIL is a lovely lovely person. She and FFIL have 3 sons, no daughters. My future sisters in law and I are treated as if we were FMIL's daughters. We don't see them very often - maybe 3-4 times a year, since they live a long way away, OH only has weekends off, and I often have to work weekends. They are totally supportive of our forthcoming marriage, and gave us some money to help out, that we could use as we wished. No interference, just interest and support, even though we're eloping and they won't be at the wedding. So, I decided it may be nice, given that she hasn't done, and won't ever do, the whole "mother of the bride" thing, to ask her to lend me my "something borrowed". I was expecting a family piece of jewellery, maybe a hair clip or ribbon, and I was happy to incorporate whatever she sent into my outfit. What I was NOT expecting was to be lent FMIL's grandmother's lace handkerchief. What on earth do I do with it?! It's pristine white cotton - the type that will pick up any stains, and not really decorative enough to have on show. I'm marrying on the beach (she knows this), I won't have a bouquet or a handbag to pop it in. Someone suggested I tuck it in my knickers, but a) I don't like the idea of that at all, and b) it may be a bit of a passion killer for OH to see his late great grandma's hanky fall out of my drawers! My mother of course couldn't help herself, and when asked for a solution, said "don't worry, *I* will lend you something appropriate". Aaargh. That's not the point. She's had enough input into the wedding (asked for or not) and this is sthg I wanted to do to involve FMIL. OH says he can speak to her and tell her that a hanky isn't really appropriate, but I worry that would offend her, and be seen as rejecting something that obviously has important family history to her. Help! WWYD?

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18 replies

Latest activity by Barefoot, 4 May, 2012 at 14:31

Beginner March 2012
kharv · 3 May, 2012 at 15:28
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A handkerchief is actually a very traditional thing to borrow on a wedding day. It's also often something that is passed down from mother to daughter.

I'm just not entirely sure where you put it?! You could ask your OH to keep it for you? That way it's still with you during the ceremony?
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Beginner June 2012
Country Flower · 3 May, 2012 at 15:34
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If it is something that FMIl sees as significant enough either due to tradition or sentiment to lend you then I think you should just accept it with grace, even if it is not the ideal item, just put it somewhere discreet - maybe in the top of your dress - you never know you might need it if the tears come at the ceremony!
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Beginner April 2012
Vee Tee · 3 May, 2012 at 15:38
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What CF said, I know you're not being ungrateful, you're trying to be practical but it is a lovely lovely thought and would be lovely just tucked in the top of your dress, think of it as 'over your heart' rather than 'in your undies'!!
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Beginner May 2012
dlees81 · 3 May, 2012 at 15:41
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I guess you're not having a long dress with a train but could you sew it into the inside of the dress somewhere?
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Beginner March 2013
cford09 · 3 May, 2012 at 15:42
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Could it be sewn under your skirt or part of it ued to make the garter? Or has it got to go back to it's rightful owner afterwards?
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Beginner
MAG2FMC · 3 May, 2012 at 15:43
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Don't know if you have layers on your wedding dress, but some brides pin it to one of their underlayers.
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Beginner May 2012
bethbailey2b · 3 May, 2012 at 15:48
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What everyone else said! either pin/sew it to one of your layers, or pop it down your dress (thats what cleavage is for dont you know you might need it!
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Beginner October 2012
Ali_G · 3 May, 2012 at 16:05
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If you're wearing a garter, tuck it/sew it into that.
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Beginner August 2012
Barefoot · 3 May, 2012 at 16:19
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Thanks everyone. I know it's a lovely gesture and I suppose I was wanting ideas what to do with it more than anything - I think OH's suggesting of asking for sthg else would be very rude and ungracious. I can't really sew it into the skirts of my dress since they are chiffon and likely to pull, and it's only borrowed, so I can't turn it into a garter, or cut/sew it any other way. I had thought about putting it down my top, but I'm worried it will ruin the line of the dress. Maybe if I fold it very carefully so there are no lumpy bits? If I had a bouquet I would wrap it round the bottom of that, but I'll only have a handpicked posy of flowers if anything. If it comes to it, I'll just have to do as someone else suggested and ask OH to keep it for me.

Kharv - that's interesting about it being a common heirloom/keepsake. I didn't know that, and it explains why FMIL has it. I was wondering why she had an ancient cotton hanky lying around!
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Beginner May 2012
Jokaty82 · 3 May, 2012 at 17:19
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I would just accept it with grace, if thats what she wants to give you then let that be the 'thing'. Can you not just buy a bag to keep your essentials in? Surely if you are eloping then you might have a few bits you want with you anyway - least that way will keep it nice and everything together!?! xx
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Beginner July 2014
stephanieeff · 3 May, 2012 at 17:55
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You could place the rings on it and have your photographer/anyone with a camera take a fancy shot of it?
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Beginner November 2012
Tallulaha · 3 May, 2012 at 20:14
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View quoted message

Perfect! Brilliant idea!
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Beginner August 2012
psycho_jo · 3 May, 2012 at 20:26
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Some lovely ideas. Think you should definitely accept it with good grace. Incidentally, when clearing out my Grandma's house, I found a handkerchief my Grandma was given the day she married my Grandad. Think her mum or Gran gave it her. It is delicate lace. My mum is going to sew it into my underskirts as she is making my dress. That way she'll be with me as I walk down the aisle.
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Beginner June 2013
2b_MrsB · 4 May, 2012 at 10:18
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It is a traditional something borrowed as you now know, My advice is not to worry about it, you'll find somewhere to put it on the day no doubt and you've had lots of advice here to think about.
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Beginner August 2012
BatsGirl · 4 May, 2012 at 11:18
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If you fold it would it fit in your shoe? Or could you tack it to the inside of the dress?
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Beginner October 2012
MissCtoMrsD · 4 May, 2012 at 13:27
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Maybe you could tuck it into a bracelet (if you're planning on wearing one) - that way it would still be close to hand if you want to use it to dab away any tears :-)
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Beginner August 2012
Barefoot · 4 May, 2012 at 14:31
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I love the idea of having a ring shot on it - that's really nice and something I will ask for. I think OH will have to carry it though - I'm not having a BM at the ceremony, or wearing shoes!

Great idea for the photo though, and will be one to get a copy of for FMIL
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