How would you feel?

Wait... what?

so your friend has both a wedding and a family birthday but is making time to come to your casual BBQ but cant stay all day and her OH (whose attitude is not hers to control) didn't want to come and sit around with complete strangers on such a busy day so your thinking of not inviting her to the wedding and possibly dropping her as a friend?

god that sounds spoiled bratty... I would be honored she is taken the time to attend considering everything she has going on

or do you genuinely honestly think you BBQ is more important than a wedding or her own family member (yes, inlaws are family) birthday?

I agree. You do come across as a bit of a spoilt brat in the post but I'm not sure that it's meant like that.

From what you're saying it's just a casual event so it's obviously no big deal to you either. Also, to say it's an engagement party so long after the actual event doesn't even make sense to me and again suggest to me that it's not that important to you who turns up or not. You wouldn't have a birthday party months after the event. So maybe that's all other people see it as - a casual get-together at your mother's house. I could understand your frustration if you'd hired a venue and caterers, entertainment, the works. The girl you are so unhappy with has a perfectly valid reason to only be there a few hours (and that's quite long enough anyway - it is just a casual barbecue after all. How long do you expect people to stay?) but she doesn't even need to have a reason. She doesn't have to attend.

I think it's easy to forget that what may be a huge thing to us is not so huge to others. Also the whole thing sounds very childish and playground-like. "If you don't come to my party you're not coming to my wedding."

Deleted

Damn phone wont let me add to the above post. For me its not just a casual event. We couldnt have a party earlier due to work commitments from both my side & parents and so we had to wait a while to have it. Some of our friends also did the same thingvand had their party months after the engagement. We have spent a good amount of time and effort getting stuff for it. Its not a simple case of brimg some meat n drink or we will provide a burger and maybe some beer. She knows that its been planned as she knew i was buying stuff back in march, we are spending the same if not more than hirimg a place. My parents have even redone the garden (not that i asked them to or expected to).

Sorry but I agree with the others

I expect he wants to be there from the start for the brothers party as it's a surprise

I think with such a busy day you are lucky she is making the time to come it yours at all

For YOU it's not just a casual event. But it's a year after you got engaged, so everyone will already have done the whole excited congratulations thing, and having a party now might feel a bit odd. I get that you've had work commitments etc at the time (but tying you up for an entire year?!) but if I was invited to a party for a couple who I knew had already been engaged for ages, I might think "Why are they bothering now, is it just another excuse for presents/attention?" Plus whatever you have done in your planning, it is just a BBQ in someone's house, and you've said you expect people to be arriving/leaving at various times, both of which make it appear fairly casual.

She's still committed to three different events, including yours, in one day, no matter how important you judge the others to be. She is still coming to yours. Don't get too princessy over a summer BBQ and threaten to cancel invitations because people aren't dropping everything for your party. Maybe you won't get on in 3 years when you do get married (if you carry on like this, I think the chances are quite high!) but there's no need to make decisions like that now.

Here is how I see it.

Your friend and her OH have been invited to three separate events on the same day.

They have gone to great length to ensure they can attend all three.

One is a family event so their attendence is vital, not just any family member - a sibling.

The brother's party is a surprise event, so they have to be there for the surprise.

Can you seriously not see that none of this is a personal attack on you? They are just trying to do their best to keep everyone happy.

Unfortunately, I am afraid you need to suck it up and be a little more understanding.

Your party is not the event of the year you know!!

I think you should be grateful she's coming at all. If I was invited to three events in one day, one a religious blessing, one a family member's birthday and one a barbecue for a girl I have (in your words) a "rocky friendship" with who got engaged a year ago, I know which one would be lowest on my priorities and which one I'd be most likely to give a miss. I'd put something of religious value and family before any other event. Why are you even inviting her if the friendship is "rocky"? And if the rockiness happened after you invited her surely you're relieved she's not going to be there the whole day. Could be awkward otherwise.

Maybe she has been buying stuff since March for her family event too and wishes you could see how important this is to her. Maybe they've redone the garden too.

You asked how we would feel and we have given our reactions. When you ask a bunch of strangers of different ages and backgrounds for their thoughts on a matter, be prepared that their opinions are probably going to be different from yours. That doesn't mean they are wrong.

Yes. You are taking it to heart too much.

Think about how she has prioritised these events (despite her making all 3 in one day, she is putting in ALOT of effort):

A friends wedding - very important, unmissable.

A brothers birthday - again, very important, unmissable, I for one wouldnt miss out on my brothers' birthday.

Your engagement party, who have been engaged for a year and is old news - important but missable.

Your wedding - very important, unmissable.

Just think about it from their point of view, they have 3 events on in one day, if it was just yours they would be with you all day, but they cant!

This is ONE couple, you have everyone else to look forward in turning up. An engagement party to other people is not as important as to the couple in question, a lot of people just see it as another excuse for a party. I didnt have an engagement party, didnt feel it was necessary. A night in the pub with our mates was fab enough!

As for the dude not coming due to his cousin coming from abroad - C'MON!!!!! Think about it.... Hang out with my cousin who I havent seen in ages because he lives abroad, or go to some engagement party where I dont really know the couple - I know what I would choose.

You said so yourself that family/friends can come and go in the day/evening, and that is exactly what they are doing.

Dont not invite her to the wedding because of this, that is childish. SHE IS COMING TO YOUR ENGAGEMENT PARTY!! Despite having a day chocka full of other commitments.

Sorry for the tough love, but this made me a little cross. It's not like it is your wedding day, that would be a different kettle of fish.

I wouldn't be offended that her OH didn't want to come - to be honest a big party isn't the best way to get to know you guys. Why not suggest going for a dinner as a 4? You'll need to spend some one on one time together rather than where there's a massive party. At our engagement party I tried to speak to everyone a bit but hardly had a conversation with anyone!

I don't really understand what your problem is you've said people can come and go and as they please and that is what she's doing. The wedding and brothers birthday are more important than a engagement party, you're lucky she is being a good friend and making the effort to come at all.

You expect her to turn up late to a surprise birthday party? If this was your wedding I would understand but it's not. My moh couldn't attend my engagement drinks but I did not complain. Your friend is tide up to three events on one day all of which she will probably have to get changed in between etc so you should be greatful she's showing up at all. Sounds to me like your comparing the importance of events rather than thinking she's taking the time to come and celebrate with you on a day that sounds pretty hectic for her. I would do the same as her and if I was in your shoes I would be very grateful she could attend at all

I think she's been a really good friend fitting you in at all. The blessing to an Asian wedding is just as important as the wedding. The brothers BBQ well Iff my brother or sister didn't turn up to my party because they went to a friends I would go mental at them.

I think you're just feeling hurt by your friend not being able to attend for longer and your grabbing at straws to put the blame on her for a rocky friendship. I'm sure the day of your party you won't miss the fact that she didn't stay long. But the poor girl must be run off her feet that day going form A to B to C. Once you have thought about it I'm sure you'll see she's trying her best.

It's an engagement party, which I would say ranks as less important than part of a wedding ceremony and a family member's surprise birthday. If I was your friend I would do exactly what she is doing and if i was you I would be happy that she's coming to celebrate for a few hours.

Unless there is some background story you are unable to share in detail, I think you should enjoy your day with the friends and family that will be attending and stop thinking about uninviting people because they cant do what you want them to do.

Agree with everyone else. You sound really high maintenance and your mum's comment about her being 'not worth it' is actually pretty horrid. You got engaged A YEAR AGO - most people would be having the actual wedding about now, not stressing over an engagement party. ?

And the bloke not wanting to come is entirely reasonable too - I wouldn't want to go to a party at someone I barely know's parent's house to make small talk with strangers all afternoon either, particularly if my sibling was having a big surprise party the same day.

I'm sorry but people do have their own lives to lead.

If she's going to the Asian wedding she's proberly required to go to all it, or maybe just simply wants to go to it all!

And I don't think she can really help going to the birthday party in the evening. You say her OH is 'just a guest' to the birthday party... Well I'm sorry but isn't everyone just a guest? It's not like you have grooms men at a birthday party!

I think maybe you need to understand that your wedding is ne'er going to be as important to anyone else as it is to you and your OH. Of course people will care but it's not ther wedding!

You don speak very kindly of someone you were considering to have as bridesmaid either... Maybe pick someone you can say a nice word about.

I think it's a good thing to think twice if you are being completely unreasonable. The OP hasn't just said she is disappointed, she has said this girl is 'not worth it' and that she is considering uninviting her/her boyfriend to the wedding. which is ludicrous.

I agree with most other people that you're taking it to heart far too much. But definitely don't ask her to be a bridesmaid if this perceived slight bothers you so much!

I sort of agree with this, I get that at first you felt really disappointed & upset about the whole thing. It's important to you & OH to celebrate your engagement & you want your nearest & dearest to be there to celebrate with you. You're excited about this, understandably so, you've probably wanted to do this from the minute you got engaged & there's been alot of planning & preparation involved so you all have a good time & enjoy the celebrations. This is important TO YOU. So let me be the first one in this thread to put my arm around you (not meaning to sound creepy lol) & calm you down. I understand. You're upset, disappointed & questioning your friendship & maybe feeling a little confused as to what your friendship means to her. This is something you need to think about & evaluate, & talk through with her and see where you've both gone wrong. Be open & honest & accept that maybe you may also be at fault. It's a very difficult thing to do, to accept the responsibility, appologize & admit you're wrong. But you will feel so much better for it & it will enable you to move on, whether you remain friends or not.

I do agree that your friend seems to be trying her best to make everybody happy, I think you're being a little harsh on her she is making the effort to spend some time with you and you did say it was going to be a casual day. I think you said this because other friends & family have a way to travel, maybe your friend lives locally so therefore felt she could/should stay longer? Try looking at it from her point of view, What would you do? How would you feel? How would you prioritise your day? I think you would probably do the same in all fairness, and the actual wedding is way more important than the engagement party so she'll probably be thinking about & planning for that.

We never had an engagement party. Actually we only received 3 cards to congratulate us & that was it! One from my Dad, one from my Sister & one from my friend. I think it's lovely that your family are celebrating with you, focus on that & try to be happy. As my OH keeps reminding me, worse things happen at sea you know!!! Chin up ?

^^^This. Says everything I wanted to say.

Definitely an overly emotional reaction hun.

I'd guess that now you've read the replies you will have had a bit of a cry, and perhaps started to agree that you were being a bit irrational? Your friend is doing her best on a busy day, and maybe by the time of your party you'll appreciate that and give her a big squeezy hug and a genuine heart-felt 'thank you for coming'.

Sometimes it's a good thing to post about what's bothering us as you have done, and to then have a few people tell us that we're being a knob. Take it for what it is, as it's actually helpful. It makes us see the other viewpoint when we're too het up to see it ourselves.

Considering you are debating your friendship, I'd leave off deciding on my bridesmaids until 6 months before the wedding if I were you. No need to do it earlier, or you might regret it. Also, when it comes to wedding invitations, if you're inviting a female friend, her OH should get an invitation too, even if you haven't met them, don't like them, or if they just blew you out for a party.

x

(edit: didn't mean to quote and elongate that unnecessarily)

You are not unreasonable to be disappointed: you have spent a long time planning this and it is your engagement party after all!

However, you would be unreasonable if you took it as a personal insult that she is also attending a wedding and her BIL's surpsise party on the same day. As the others said, by virtue of faith and familial responsibility those have to come first, so her making it to the engagement party is brillianrt and above and beyond of her.

Why not take on board that her OH doesn't nfeel that he knows you both and arrange a couple night out anothert time so you can actually get to know each other? It does sound as if you keep your girly nights separate from couple time and the partners generally don't know you well.

This is the balanced response I would have written if someone hadn't beaten me to it!

I would also add, echoing some earlier posts, that it's totally not wrong that you're very excited and emotionally invested in this BBQ - it's wonderful that your family are celebrating with you in this way, and great that you can open it to friends too, and will be a little milestone on the way to the wedding for you. ?

I've read the whole post.

You are being unreasonable. Your friend is doing as much as she can to accommodate three people she cares about very much in one day. You probably realise that now (I hope) the joy of posting on hitched is that when you are being a knob (love that choice of words Claireb) you get told as such, hopefully before you have actually had the conversation with the actual person. See hitched as a safe 'trial run'for any tricky conversations you may want to have. You will get a range of responses but at least it's just a bunch of strangers you don't know you are venting at and not one of your nearest and dearest where there would be actual consequences.

If you just told you that you were perfectly reasonable and to crack on hun then it wouldn't be much use would it? You ask for an opinion and you've got it. Otherwise you would have told us your intentions and asked you to just agree with you.